lavenderdreams205

[lavenderdreams205]

It’s not just the fact that Billie goes after Dean’s heart in 15x18 directly before Cas confesses to him, or even that Cas fell in love with Dean because of his heart, that he loved the whole world because of Dean’s heart. It’s also that it’s always Dean’s heart, Dean’s heart that a gay man died giving him in 1x12. And it’s the invocation of a barely concealed gay-slur-adjacent vampire slur as established in 2x03. It’s Dean literally dying via acting out on his attraction to men, it’s Dean literally dying by choking himself because of his queerness. It’s that every possibility that Billie lists, every possible way we’re told Dean could die is related to him being a queer man. It’s that when he does die, it is via vampire, vampires who rip people's tongues out, the suggestion of this death nestled snuggly in here between dying via his heart or his dick, two arrows and an f-slur, here via berens and dabb at the very first rumblings of dabb era, a warning sign and a bookend.

[scripts]

[lavenderdreams205]

In various stories, Zeus later put Ganymede in the sky as the constellation Aquarius (the "water-carrier" or "cup-carrier")

Wikipedia, Ganymede (mythology)

Dean Winchester as Ganymede (the cup-bearer)

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the way this show wrote dean as “he will make sexist and homophobic jokes but beat the shit out of homophobes and sexists” and not realize that they just wrote the epitomal archetype of a closeted queer character

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[lavenderdreams205]

It baffles me how Sam gets let off the hook by most of spn fandom for everything he does during his soulless era even though that was all 100% him; he wasn't being influenced by some nefarious 3rd party, he just had his give-a-fuck switch out of commission. But Dean gets treated like the MoC arc is proof that he's abusive and bad even though he was very explicitly being influenced by something so dark it literally corrupted an archangel into the devil.

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I’m sitting in a laundromat, reading about myself sitting in a laundromat reading about myself. My head hurts.

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Y'all seen this?

Dean's boyfriends calling each other his boyfriends (a deleted scene from s10)

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Party city girls buy cheap wigs also

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The thing is, I could also make a gifset comparing Cas to abusers and making Dean look like a poor little innocent woobie and it wouldn't even be taken completely out of context to make it look like something it's not.

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they could've put the initials of anyone else on that robe's pocket yet they chose a bisexual man

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dean has no business calling people av club literally name a sport dean. name one right now. for a dollar. for a hundred. he can't do it.

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Me shaking the absolute shit out of the show runners and writers; Why the fuck do you give us this shit and yet never address the issues they developed from their years of abuse and neglect! 

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What if i said this was adhdean stimming?

Dean and a grilled cheese “A Love Story”        ↳ SUPERNATURAL S15E14 ▸ “LAST HOLIDAY”

[lavenderdreams205]

1.18 something wicked

say your desk is covered with a pile of paperclips. something wicked is the magnet you drop in the middle and then they all stick to it; they're all connected.

it's all here. the parentification, the neglect, the way john treats dean which sam doesn't witness, the extreme likelihood that john was using his kids as bait, and the intentional, specific, glorious, lovely ways dean has specifically chosen not to be like his dad.

in the flashbacks, we see dean is in charge of feeding and looking after sam for (at least) three days in some random motel room with the shades drawn. he's not even supposed to go outside. he doesn't have a number for john, just the instruction that if john's not back by a certain time, he's supposed to call pastor jim.

we see john giving dean instructions and responsibility (and criticisms) which he's not giving to sam.

dean is at most 11 years old (ep takes place in 2006. dean says the case from when he was a kid was 16-17 years ago (1989/1990). john's journal places it in 1988; dean was 9)

crucially, even as an adult, dean barely talks to sam about what he remembers of the case when he was a kid. he lets go of little bits at a time and absolutely necessary to the case. but he does not want to process what happened. even when he's so torn up that he breaks down and explains what happened, he doesn't want to talk about it. in part, of course, because he's ashamed of failing to kill the shtriga. but also because dean keeps john's secrets (9.07). and even when he doesn't, sam is not who he tends to process with.

but it's deeply impactful to have an episode where we get to see how dean was treated as a child versus how he treats the kids he meets.

dean is so kind to children throughout season 1, from lucas in 1.03 to lily and charlie in 1.05 to michael here. there is something so great about the way he is both clear that the bad things aren't these kid's fault, while also understanding kids have agency and insight.

i know dean is torn up about using michael as bait for the shtriga but feels he doesn't have much of a choice in order to stop the thing. but the conversation he has with michael is so thorough it really gets me.

DEAN: This camera has night vision on it so we'll be able to see clear as day.... Are we good? SAM: A hair to the right... There, there. MICHAEL: What do I do? DEAN: Just stay under the covers. MICHAEL: And if it shows up? DEAN: We'll be right in the next room. We're gonna come in with guns. So, as soon as we do you roll off this bed and you crawl under it. MICHAEL: What if you shoot me? DEAN: We won't shoot you. We're good shots. We're not going to fire until you're clear ok? Have you heard a gunshot before? MICHAEL: Like in the movies? DEAN: It's gonna be a lot louder than in the movies. So I want you to stay under the bed, cover your ears, do not come out until we say so. You understand? DEAN: Michael, you sure you wanna do this? DEAN: You don't have to, it's ok, I won't be mad. MICHAEL: No I'm ok. Just don't shoot me. DEAN: We're not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.

what a specific contrast that is with

DEAN hesitates, terrified. As he does JOHN bursts through the front door, gun raised. JOHN: (Shouting) Get out of the way! DEAN ducks and JOHN shoots the shtriga multiple times with his hand gun.

something wicked is up there with monster at the end of the book for episode titles that'll make you crazy if you think about it too much.

some other thoughts are just, the first time i watched this scene i thought i was going to explode with love:

DEAN: Yeah well, first of all, I'm not going to open fire in a freakin' pediatrics ward.... Second, wouldn't have done any good, because the bastard's bullet proof unless he's chowing down on something. And third, I wasn't packing, which is probably a really good thing cause I probably would have just burned a clip in him on principle alone.

moral compass boy i would die for you a thousand times and get up and gladly do it again.

and nothing - i mean nothing - hits like dean's voice cracking over the "if it means anything sometimes i do too." like i could actually go insane.

also watching supernatural is how you fill up a computer disc with pictures of dean looking ever so beautiful. like. look at him!! ethereal!!

also also ilu microaggression michael. they should have brought you back in the finale, king.

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hey could you maybe calm down

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the lightness that just radiates from him when he isn't being weighed down by decades of pain and terror and loss. he's so cute. it's unbearable.