lavadrop05

[lavadrop05]

While my sister has all these shows at her feet I can't even get a water hose. Wtf is wrong with me? Every time I talk to a guy it always ends badly because all they want is to “let off some steam”. No one actually wants me. I'm definitely looking in the wrong places. Guys at school never look at me and the ones online want to see too much. At work, we're definitely not looking at each other and even if they were I wouldn't be looked at. I want a relationship. I fantasize about being picked up by my boyfriend from work and us doing to cuddle. I fantasize about having a sleepover with him even if it's all cute and nothing spicy. I fantasize about him helping me fix my driving skills. I fantasize about cooking and baking for him and making paintings for him, and buying him small gifts, and showering him with kisses, even buying him flowers no matter how “taboo” it is. I wish I was a black girl's beauty standard. Everyone would want me. I would be desired and needed. Being me is filled with having PCOS, being pre-diabetic, and being lonely. I wish to be loved and to love them back. I wish to at least start a potential connection. While everyone else rinds in many relationships that never leave the talking stage no one talks to me. I want to have a conversation. Where do I find this? I want this. Why can't I have it? What is wrong with me? It has to be something wrong with? Am I not worthy of this type of affection?

[lavadrop05]

What really sucks is having a dream about meeting someone and instantly falling in love with them and then waking up still having this feeling if being and love and missing them as if they were a real person and everything in your dream happened.

I had a dream that my mom had a bunch if guys my age come over and have me do speed dates with them to find one of them I really liked. I talked to all of them but in the end this guy Daniel and I really had a connection. At the end when we're wrapping everything up fangirl and eye were sitting next to each other holding hands and laying on each others shoulders. When everyone left we exchange emails ( idk why it was emails) and talked some more. When my mom wasn't looking we started kissing each other and telling each other how much we really fell for one another. Then he left for the day. I was left hally and missing hum and then I woke up. The emotions I had in the dream came with me when j woke up and I felt like it was all so real. I'm ngl I miss him. The worst part of I don't really know what he looked like but I remember seeing him and being on love. Now I'm going to go through a secret depression period of missing someone and a relationship that never existed. I talk a lot about wanting a relationship and finish a connection. When I find that connection it was literally in a dream. Reality sucks😭🥲😔

[lavadrop05]

I think another reason why hate the way I look his because of things my family would say to other people. We would see some women walking in the street. I would think she is o pretty I wish I had her shake and could dress like her. But then my family would call dirty nasty ugly. I would then apply these hateful words to my self. In my head I thought we’ll if I think she’s more beautiful than me and my family thinks she’s ugly than that makes me even worse than her. My feelings would then be hurt. I would try to justify this woman actions as if I was her. But my family would call me a trader or ask why I’m standing up for some random person. They still do this to others and it hurts my feelings and kills my self love.

[lavadrop05]

I wish I could look in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I saw. I wish that I was pretty even if I was still plus sized. I wish I had a better shaped plus body or to be one a regular thick size. I want to stop looking like I’m apart of shrieks family. I might have gotten the brains out (and I probably would have that if my brother didn’t have so mental and emotional differences) of my siblings but the attractive factor skipped over me. As I’m scrolling through plus size videos I realized that I would never have a chance. Those w women were so beautiful and healthy even if they were plus size. I am absolutely ugly. I will forever hide my face under filters and a mask. I talk about how I want to be romantically loved but how dare I. I don’t know why I thought that I would be worth of another humans love. How dare I curse everyone just by existing. I could never be anyone’s love interest. Just look at me. I am the definition of a Duff. Everyone around me talks about their relationships and I realize that I can’t relate. And sometimes I don’t understand. My friends are meeting people and are in talking stages. They give me vague details but trust our other friends more. I understand that it’s probably my lack that of building emotional connections that make me hard to talk to about these things. I just wish I could be love. I don’t want to romanticize break ups but at least if I had a bad break up then I knew somebody took time out of their life to be with me. That’s how desperate I am. Getting a job, finding a college, and graduating is so much easier than finding some to share your life with and creating romantic connections. I’m so unlovable that I can’t even tell if I’m gay or not. I’ll probably just become asexual because it’s the safer option. At least my family doesn’t t have to worry about bad break ups in college because I’d be lucky if their was even a rumor that someone showed any interest in me. I feel like such a loser. I hope that when I die I could live a life where I can build an romantic emotional connection with someone even if at then end of my life I end up alone at least I knew that it was possible. I’m so so ashamed that this is how I feel. There is something wrong with me and I wish I could fix it.

[lavadrop05]

Convincing Yourself that your incapable of love is horrible. That’s exactly what I do. I sit at the table with my friend group and hear about all of their potential relationships. As I listen all I can think is how can they do that. How are they doing that. I have to be looking in all the wrong places because no one has ever genuinely showed interest in me. All the apps I’ve been on were just filled with people full of lust or boredom. But honestly who could show interest in me. There isn’t anything interesting. I guarantee if I wasn’t apart of my family and they saw me in public they would tease me. My goal is to change my fashion sense and learn to make up. Maybe I would get some type of attention. I secretly bought make up with my own money. When my family aren’t home I teach my self to apply the make up. I look really crazy. Even though I look crazy with the make up on I still felt prettier than my regular self. That should say a lot about myself confidence. I act like I have confidence but it’s all fake. I would definitely say that I’m the ugly one out of my family and friend group. All of my siblings look nice and my parents but I look awful. I could never be as good looking as everyone else. Even my dog gets more compliments than I do. I wear mask most of the times when I go out and when I take it off I do it away from everyone’s view unless I’m with family. I could not handle the public seeing my face. I would never take a picture without filter or altering the photo. I was so pretty as a kid but as I got older I became ugly. Even though I like myself with make up then without it I still fill ugly. It would take a miracle for someone to find me attractive. I’m am a definition of a face only a mother could love. I get told I look like my father. My father isn’t ugly and the way he looks make since. I don’t make since. I look like a man that turned into a women. How could I be loved. How could someone look at me and fall in love. I’m an embarrassment. I would be more attractive if I wore a mask every day and stopped eating. I rather have an eating disorder that make it hard for me to eat. I would rathe be anorexic than obese. At least I wouldn’t feel shameful when buying fast fashion. But before I only wore hand me downs from my brother and clothes from Walmart. I would wear tight to small leggings under regular leggings to hide my stomach. I feel jealous of everyone. I have constant mood swings because I constantly remind myself how I’m not worthy of love. I wish I could change how I looked. Everyday I wish to change what I look like.



[lavadrop05]

I think I’m starting to become lonely again. I have friends. I consider them my best friends but I’m not theirs. Unrequited friendship is what I have. It also sucks to here about peoples dating lives while hasn’t been born yet. I want to date and find romantic interests. I a person who can visualize things really well before it’s created or put into motion. The one thing I can’t visualize is some it being emotionally attracted to me. I just can’t see it. How could anyone possibly romantically love me. What is there to love. I can’t date online and I physically have no reason to go out and meet people especially at my age right now. I feel like my existence was created to be a supporting character in other peoples lives. Not to mention even if I did find a romantic interest sooner or later that life would have to collide with my family. God forbid that. It’s not like they are bad It’s just because I’m seen as socially awkward they get really excited when I do things such as make new friends or talk to someone working at a store ti asked for help. It’s uncomfortable to me because I’m not really surprised. It just makes me feel more like an outcast. I wish I was more like my sister and the rest of my family. I feel so distant from everyone. I also feel bad for feeling distant. I feel like most things are my fault. I feel like a burden to myself. I hate that the only way for me to be worthy of someone else affection is to change everything about myself. I hate myself. I want to truly see how other people think of me. Sometimes I look at people with mental issues like autism or adhd and I think that they live a better life then me. It’s because no matter what they do people believe that it’s just because of their disability. Me on the other hand I feel like all of my problems are because I’m lazy and the way I look. Even shrek found love. I’m just not lucky enough. When I fantasize being in a relationship I change my appearance to be more appealing because I could never see anyone loving me as I am. I hate myself and I hate that I hate myself.

[lavadrop05]

Growing up lonely realizing your the only one who never had a teen romance in your family and friend group. It’s also realizing that the friends your making memories are leaving soon and we’re all moving to different states/countries for college. It’s realizing that you’ll have to start all over with the whole social thing. It also planting the thought I. Your mind that you will never find a romantic partner and you need to learn to stop living through others because it’s making it worse. If anyone is reading this (not that anyone is) watch nevertheless on Netflix. I’m living through that show. That’s how I keep myself sane. My loneliness has gotten so bad that I can’t even make a scenarios of my dram relationship anymore. I can’t picture myself being romantically loved by another person. I can’t even see myself being vulnerable with anyone.

[lavadrop05]

How do teens start dating. Like how do they meet. All of my friends are queer and are dating someone. The classes I’m in don’t really have people that I’m attracted to. If I stare a glance at a guy cause I thinks he good looking most of time he with his girlfriend. I’m not in school very much and I don’t have a job. Now that school isn’t the biggest stress in my friends and I lives we started to do other things. Everyone but me has a job. Some of them are dating. I kinda just go home and take a nap. With all that being said I don’t get to really see what put in the world. I want to. Another thing is I don’t like to share things with my family but I know I have to go through the whole meet the family process. So I think part of me wants me to wait till I go to college. But I want someone to spend hours talking to. I want someone to hold and cuddle and I can do the same to them. I want someone when I’m having a bad day or fighting with my family that I can talk to. I want give love and receive it. Being alone lost in my tv isn’t working anymore. The one thing that make this issue better is my wonderful 6 month old puppy Bella. I want to share my music taste and go to concerts with. I want to go out to dinner and try new foods. Doing some of those with my family is fun and I enjoy my time with them. But because of the age gap and lack of anything we have in common it can get a little lonely. So how do they do it. We don’t dating sites. I don’t go anywhere and even I wanted to I probably couldn’t without an adult. I want to date. I’m 17 and I be never dated or even thought anyone would date me. I can’t even see myself happy with someone like that. As I’m typing I’m starting to think could I ever be vulnerable with someone like that. I’ve been so enclosed most of my life to the point that I don’t even know if I’m vulnerable with myself. What is finding someone feel like. To many shows and movies unrealistic endings. Feeding my imagination while breaking my heart

[lavadrop05]

Hello tumblr not that anyone cares but it’s been sometime

I would like to talk about my summer before I talk about what’s in my head

Summer 2022

Before summer my friends and I talked about getting jobs. At first I was looking for a job; but then I realized that I wanted to sell m arts and crafts. I first idea was to sell hand painted Jean jackets at small events in the community. I also thought about taking weird and fun words and creating artwork based on their definitions. I plan to that using digital art and than getting them put on to shirts. My family was all for it. I did research of wholesale manufacturers. Local goodwill places to find decent jackets to start off. Research on the best paint to use on Jean jacket material. But in the end this didn’t happen. Promises of helping were broken. I realized that this wasn’t going to happen. Everyone has their own lives and I was going to have to figure most of my own alone. So I gave up on that idea. My family were never home and one was on vacation. When she came back she had so much work so she was in and out of the house. So I was pretty much alone all the time. Than when they finally came home they were tired and wanted some alone time. I wanted to talk. So I started looking at colleges and doing research on them. I looked at their pet policies and their art major programs etc. I got so into it that I was up till5am doing research and watching YouTube dorm tours and supplies. I started creating different theme boards of what I wanted my dorm to look like. I made a grocery list to. Than I started preparing for back to school. I was reading my summer book. I made another 3page word document on different outfit ideas for my back to school. Including my hair nails jewelry shoes and book bag. I started looking at school supplies. This was all in like the first 3-4 weeks of summer. Than I started looking for driving schools. And seeing what documents I needed to get an Id. I didn’t have my birth certificate or my ssa and neither did my family( they lost it). So I asked them even before summer started to help me so I could get it and it never happened. So I took it upon myself to apply to get my documents on my own which I did. I also got a dog. I got her an appointment for her first pet grooming and to get her shots. All on my own. She has pet insurance. We’re going to get her microchipped and spayed when she a little older. I going to register as an esa soon. My plan is for her to go to college with me. So now I’m taking care of her appointments. I also did more research on colleges and set up a college tour soon. I started multiple college applications. I took my act and sat so I sent those score out. I applied for a bunch of scholarships and I’m still am. I’ve contacted colleges. I tried to fill out my Fafsa but I can’t do that yet until the year I plan on going to college which is next year. I studied to take my permit test and I’m getting ready to schedule for the written test. I also started coming up with college essay prompts. I check in daily ti see when my senior schedules are released. I talk to my art teacher occasionally. My friends and I are meeting up to shop for school supplies. I’m also trying to get my id. I already started ideas for my next sustained investigation portfolio for my ap photo and studio art class. I got to FaceTime chats with my dad form jail. I’m an admin for a cheer team. So I handle social media and research and budget and keeping on task. So I’d say the summer has been okay.

My mind

Because of my pcos I know i wont be very attractive. I’m starting to grow facial hair (very little). I on a new hormone medicine. Plus the 5-6 other medications I take. I’m overweight I have acne. Parts of my skin are darker than others. I have never really felt attractive. I try taking photos without filters but I never show them to anyone or I delete them. I don’t think I’m capable of being loved by a significant lover. So no boyfriend girlfriend summer fling just nothing. It really does suck. It’s probably my fault but I don’t know how I just know it’s probably my fault. I really enjoy romantic shows and movies. They live out the one thing I know what happen. I use to think that when I move to college I’ll finally get a chance in a relationship but with all the virus out breaks going around I don’t if it’s possible anymore. I wish I didn’t care so much about this so it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I wish I smaller and pretty with long curly hair. Even if I wasn’t regular women’s size I want to be at least a smaller plus size person. This is an on going battle in my mind and so far I have lost every time. I can only hope it gets better for me. I’m tired of being lonely

[lavadrop05]

I swear family get on my nerves

God I can’t wait to leave for college so I can be myself. I can’t keep living like this and I am so tired of faking shit to avoid any negative conversation or response. I got one more year and then I’m gone. I am so ready to be over with this. As I get older the more me and my family are going to clash because I don’t listen to what they say anymore or believe the same things anymore. As much as I love them I need to leave them for now. I need a break and I need a vacation before my emotions and feelings for them change like the rest of me. This summer is going to be all out me and bettering myself mentally and physically. Right now I’m not old enough so I need my moms help get my social security card and my birth certificate so I can get my id then I’m going to get my license and go to driving school. I’m starting a gym membership and I’m starting a new hobby. I’m also looking for summer jobs at camps mainly stem and art since those are my to best skills. I’m so ready for adulthood the bills the working the housing the taxes I’m ready for it all. I’m tired of depending on others just so they can use it against me later.

[lavadrop05]

Typing in school nothing wrong. I just made my resume and I currently looking for jobs that don’t require experience unless they are art or photography related. I’m 17 female and strong. Something in md.

[lavadrop05]

Today I had a little confidence burst so….

Sometimes I feel like a bad bitch but not like I can do this that and fickle everyone more like owning up to my red flags and toxic traits. I’m am a little thirsty when i comes to a partner but that’s okay. A bitch is lonely and has never tried to date before so yeah I am happy when I catch a small girl sh in the pond. I’m just getting a feel of things and learning how to catch bigger fish or eventually love to a larger body of water. I do gotta stomach but that just a travel pillow. One of the many features that come a with me. Major my spring break has been me doing laundry. I washed clean and dirty clothes because I wanted a fresh start. I cleaned my room I cleaned my art sectioning the basement all my clothes are organized. I washed some dishes and I made brownies. A bitch was multitasking. I got a new plug in for my room no it smells amazing. I remembered to take all my vitamins and medicines today. I actually braided my hair so it doesn’t get tangled in my bonnet. Washed a new set of sheets. Let some air and light from outside in my room. Refilled my cool mist humidifier. I’m making good moves. All in one day. Anybody who would date me would love me. Not to say imma just clean and cook or bake for them everyday but shit at least I’m clean and neat. Dating applications are open. I’m am a plus sized black girl. I’m 17 and I’m attracted to males (I think) o enjoy different music genres and anime. I do art and a little photography with editing. I have plenty of free time and I energy going anywhere honestly. A perfect date for me is a simple date like getting fast food parking the car and watching Netflix or a good tv show. I also love talking and being funny. I am a sucker for cartoons. I sleep a lot but I’m a night owl. If anyones interested let me know. No one has to respond just felt like listing all of my good qualities.

[lavadrop05]

Probably sound pathetic

I’m so tired of being single and I can’t really express it because everyone in my family would look at me crazy. I just feel like I was born in the wrong time because how are kids my age dating like they already got multiple ex’s. What am I doing wrong. I want a little boo thang😂😂. This is not working. Not mention the way my brain works if like or am attracted to someone I automatically do everything to stay away from them because it’s never a thought in my mind that there was someone who could actually be attracted to me. I just don’t see it happening. And it’s so bad because I just think I out of the people in the world why they like me. Im insecure af so that a major red flag in the first place. I don’t attract the right kinda ppl only ppl who are corny minus c plus h. I graduate next year so my chances are real slim. I went to 7 different schools in my life and not 1 crush. I did karate, chess, dance, 24 challenge, orchestra, guitar, science, and art clubs and not one person thought I was cute. No flirting or nothing. Not even a rumor about someone liking me that wasn’t true. I’m so happy to love to another state for college because I don’t feel like I’ll find what I’m looking for here. I hope if find it there because I’m hanging from this little bit hope I have right now. Sometimes I think it’s because of my weight and might be. I’m so smart and talented but can’t nobody see that. If I had the chance to fly off this planet I would go. Maybe I can find something better out in the universe. It suck’s that could never tell someone this. All I hear is the people around me talk about how pathetic it is to be so desperate to start online dating. I hear the stories how couples in my family met like in Paris or in school or at parties. I just feel like I won’t get that feeling or experience. Maybe Im just thinking to hard or maybe I was never meant for love. I just hope it gats better and all my negative assumptions are wrong. I don’t know how long I can take this. I know I sound pathetic but at this point idc anymore.

[lavadrop05]

I decided that I wanted to right a letter to my lover I don’t have one but this more like a warning

Dear lover excuse my sad days they happen more than normal. I’m sorry you have to witness someone bullying me when I look in the mirror. I’m sorry that I act awkward I just don’t know how to handle peoples love. Excuse me if I take a couple naps a day when any of my emotions grow to big for me the I can’t handle it and it drains my body. I’m sorry if sometimes I just want to lay down in Silence I’m always alone so being completely quiet while laying down is all I know. I’m sorry if looks like trying to hard to show my love and affection I just never thought I would find love so I’m scared to loose you. Excuse my bursts of energy at night it means my energy level is back to normal from being out with ppl. Sometimes I stare out to space and leave reality just bring me back. I’m sorry that if this stuff is to much you leave me. Don’t worry I won’t blame you it would make since for me to be the reason why you leave. Sorry if I don’t want to show you off to my family I’m just not comfortable sharing my moments like this right now.

[lavadrop05]

If your read this and think I’m desperate or pathetic just don’t say anything I know no one leaves comments on my post but if anyone tries just do be to harsh

I’m 17 and I finally started taking and having friends at my new school. I see everyone around me dating having fun and going places. My family says I’m on the right track but I don’t feel like I am. My family talks about how nice it is that im working on colleges and doing good in school. I like that they are acknowledging my hard work but I don’t feel like im doing fine. I was talking with a family member and we were talking about how i enjoy hanging out with people but I like being alone too. Basically im a loner and I agree but im also lonely. I don’t if that’s the Kay for me to feel at my age but I do. I envy people who are dating and sharing of piece of them with a significant other. Even if not a serious. I want that. It’s hard for me because im at a new school and im plus size. Being plus size already go against society standards and that sucks. I’ve never kissed someone I’ve never been on a date I’ve never been taking stage and I’ve never been friend zoned. I just never been in the that universe called dating. I want to. I started looking at those friend apps in TikTok like Wizz or yubo because I wanted to try online dating or flirting or at least finding my type. I was fine with that until my sister talked about her friend who had a boyfriend online and she that she was so desperate that she started meeting ppl online. That made me feel so bad. She small and at the right weight for her age so maybe it easier for her but it’s so hard to find a decent person even online or in person especially at my age. I’m starting to feel like I’m not meant to date anyone or find love and it kinda hurts. I’ve h heard a lot of ppl say that not everyone is meant to find love and I feel like I’m one of them. I got so much into my head that it’s slowly killing what self esteem I do have. I feel like it’s my fault. Maybe if I ate properly when I was younger and played outside more when I was younger I would’ve got better habits and stopped gaining weight. Pretty much most of the females are smaller than me and I’m not that big. So that doesn’t help. I just feel so unattractive to the world. My weight and hormones unbalance is caused by poc which is even worse. I feel so damaged and I have so many bad physical and mental qualities about me. I want to date I want to have my first kiss I want to go on a date I want to have connections and share someone of my self with another person and them do the same with me. I want that. It’s one of my goals in life. Should I feel pathetic to think this way. I don’t want to feel alone I want to share and receive love. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about buying crystals and other stuff to manifest love in my life. I just feel lonely. I just hope it gets better for me

[lavadrop05]

I really need answer (for research purposes) but is it really worth it to start dating I get jealous and I envy my family members for finding their partners literally everyone I know in my family have. Partner even my younger sibling at least dates or had best friend. I can’t even get a pet. I currently am the only child at my home and everyone else is a married couple over 60. Their kids and my mom all found someone. I don’t have a person or pet. I never even had someone to like my or have a crush on me. They always were interested in my friends of other people. I don’t feel attractive. When people compliment me it’s alway about my clothes or shoes and materialistic things. They talk about my artwork but never me. Never is it your such a kind person or your pretty. Those type of compliments aren’t familiar to me. All I hear now is I scared for you or you need to eat healthier and exercise. I understand that but I can’t do that kind of stuff I’m still a minor and nobody has time to do that stuff with me or they are to old to do so. I wanted a pet to help with going for runs or walks and to make me feel more comfortable walking around my neighborhood alone. The answers always no but then they complain about me eating even if it’s fruit. I look in the mirror to find the me I love but all it shows me are different version of myself that all have one thing in common. We’re all lonely. I don’t where this feeling came from but i feel like this almost everyday. I can’t help but to imagine being in love or having someone you truly care about outside my family and it makes me feel pathetic. I watch all these couple videos or look at my family during gatherings and notice where I land. Not to mention my sister doesn’t pay me or anyone else any mind as long as their are electronics around. All I cans do is wait my turn to talk or find an opening to have a conversation. I feel like such an outcast. Is it really worth it to look for love. I’m so desperate that I want to try out dating apps. That’s what makes it worse because then I feel like if I do like or love someone was it just to feel a big black whole or genuine. Should I just give up on it all because right most nights are a fight with my emotions.

[lavadrop05]

Birthday soon

My birthday is coming up and I’m excited but I don’t think I can do anything for my birthday. I don’t have any friends to do a sleep over my siblings and family are in trouble. My birthday is on a Saturday so it’s not like I can even where my birthday outfit to school. The only people who will be there is probably my mom and my aunt. They are really close and it’s fun to be around them but the age difference and interest I clearly noticeable. I feel like I should just skip it. I’m scared to anything because it might not be fun for my mom and aunt. 17 doesn’t seem like an important age. It’s not 16 and its not 18. I been looking for inspiration but most things are stuff I’ve done or it’s all glamorous but that’s hard to do in a pandemic.