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[laurelled]

Reason to Live #9693

  Apologizing to myself and moving forward. – Guest Submission

(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)

[laurelled]

intrusive thoughts are NOT “oh i dye my hair purple” they are NOT “ooo i decided to wear a hot pink dress” they are violent and dangerous.

the thought of dyeing your hair or harmless things are at maximum  impulsive thoughts.

if i listened to my intrusive thoughts i would be in jail or worse. we are not the same

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i don’t like how endings in real life come on so suddenly without making sense, without much warning. one minute you’re in the middle of something and the next it’s all a very long time ago and you’re a different person and none of it is ever coming back

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something i've realized over the years is that shit does not get better. yeah, you will have better days, but it's all very temporary. something inside of you is just broken and can never be fixed.

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one of the most toxic things i’ve ever done is ignore the bad in someone because i love them

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I’m really trying but I’m not made for this world

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✨2021✨ and nothing’s changed mood-board

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Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache. You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor, and picks it up. You are the one who feeds it, who clothes it, who tucks it into bed, and you should be proud of that. Having the strength to take care of yourself when the world is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.

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Ok I am thinking again and ♡ i hate the idea people created that fat people are cuddly bc like that COMPLETELY ignores the idea of fat people who are touch repulsed, have trauma that involves being touched, and/or are neurodivergent. Also it's stupid bc fat people shouldn't have to be seen as fucking pillows or stuffed animals for people to like them. They're humans just like skinny ppl jfc

[laurelled]

This is not some dieting bullshit and I do NOT want any thinspo, pro-ana or fatphobic people following me or starting shit, I just want to vent my feelings but man

I fucking hate eating. I fucking hate that this stupid body needs fucking food. I’m fucking always snacking but I go through cycles of snacking the entire day, almost entirely on just fucking sugar, or not eating for like 18 hours still I can’t stand it and force myself to eat and feel so fucking sick, I hate being full and I always take too much food and I try to force myself to eat it all and can’t and put it in the fridge and forget about it and waste it and fuck that’s where I’m at right now, I feel so distended even though I didn’t eat that much really. Or maybe I did I have no fucking idea, I have no idea how to tell how much food to eat literally ever and idk if it’s like an autistic thing or ADHD thing or PTSD thing or just a fucking me thing but I hate it, I want to have a casually indifferent relationship with food, I want my relationship to not be like every other part of my life and be all or nothing. Either I can’t stop or I am disgusted by it. Either I feel satisfied after eating or in pain. Currently, it’s pain. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I fucking hate eating. Yet I’m constantly craving something, 99% of the time. And then I eat and feel sick. Rinse and repeat. Fuck.

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no offense but I’ve never gotten over anything that’s happened to me in my life

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Read an article about repressed anger and I'm kinda just messed up because I checked all 15 boxes.

Here's 15 signs you may have repressed anger:

1. You are busy all the time. Keeping busy is a sure fire way to have no time to feel things. This might include being quite codependent, taking care of other people’s issues instead of your own. And it often includes being a workaholic.

2. You are never angry but have constant mild depression. The problem with blocking one emotion is that it often messes up or blocks our ability to feel other emotions, too, like joy and excitement. It also takes a lot of psychological energy to keep things repressed in our minds which can leave us feeling drained, leaving some to call depression ‘anger turned inwards’.

3. You are known for your sarcastic humour.Repressed anger often parades as sarcasm, meanness, or an apathetic ‘I don’t care’ attitude.

4. You self-sabotage often. Perhaps you are always late getting to work, are a student who skips classes, or don’t respond to opportunities you want until it’s too late and you’ve missed the boat.

5. You hate rejection. The habit of repressing anger often stems from growing up in a household where showing emotion led to being silently ostracised. This can leave you a grownup with a deep fear of being rejected that surfaces in your relationships. It can also show up in your work environment, where you might get told you are oversensitive to criticism.

6. Little things really bother you. Perhaps you are the one in the office always complaining if someone puts back the milk carton into the fridge with only a drop left in it, or the one at the gym who feels really upset if someone doesn’t wipe down equipment they have used. This is because bigger repressed anger is seeking an outlet and it comes out in the form of frustration and annoyance.

7. You suffer muscle tension. Anger has to go somewhere, and often it goes to our body, leading to a tense jaw, sore upper back, or a constant tense stomach that can lead to ulcers (if this is you, you might want to try progressive muscle relaxation).

8. You suffer from ongoing fatigue, many colds or flu, or perhaps chronic pain. As well as muscle tension repressed anger can lead to anxiety, which affects sleep, which then lowers your immune system. As for chronic pain, some specialists believe that psychogenic pain (physical pain caused or exacerbated by mental and emotional factors) can be a distraction to keep oneself away from repressed emotions, although this is still considered a controversial theory.

9. You have nervous habits. Things like nail biting, chewing the inside of your mouth, orpicking at your skin can all be signs of repressed anger.

10. You struggle with addictive behaviour. It doesn’t have to be drugs or alcohol. It might be that you are a shopaholic, a love addict, an over-exerciser, or a food addict. Addiction is often a way to distract ourselves from things that feel painful, and if we are in pain over something, we are often very angry about it, too.

11. You need to be in control of your life. If we are controlling emotions, it can lead to a desire to also control our exterior environment.

12. You’ve been accused of being passive aggressive. Passive aggression happens when instead of expressing our anger directly we do it indirectly. This can include things like being nice to someone’s face but gossiping about them behind their back, or telling a partner we aren’t angry about something important like how they spent the month’s budget but calling them lazy for not putting the rubbish out.

13. You have trouble saying no. As healthy anger is what leads us to set boundaries, never showing anger often means never saying no or even realising that you can.

14. On the rare occasion you do get upset, it tends to be a blowout. You might only get properly upset once a year, but it tends to be explosive and something others live in fear of. This is what happens when there is a build up of emotions.

15. You feel happy all the time, just pure peace and love. This kind of belief about oneself generally points to some deep-rooted denial. The human mind and emotional system is not one-sided. Nobody feels great all the time. If we did, we’d never learn anything, as we grow from being challenged and by contrast – which includes not always liking what other people do and say.

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Them: why do you like (x) angry character so much?

Me: because Im also angry all the time, and instead of being given a healthy outlet for my anger was punished for even being angry and now I repress all my anger, and they don't so I project my anger onto them.

[laurelled]

“I’d rather be miserable all my life than give someone the opportunity to say that they pushed me to kill myself. I refuse to give them that power. I will not live for anyone, and I will not die for anyone.”

— Indecisive, laurelled

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[laurelled]

when youre touch starved and touch repulsed at the same time so ur just layin in bed at 3am on a weeknight softly running your fingers down your forearm to stimulate human contact without The Bad Sensory Issues™