lauranyx

[lauranyx]

Lmao so my parents and tito kinda freaked out cuz of my ai generated letter that didn’t use female pronouns when referring to myself

Ofc me being the accepting shit that i am didnt see it as a grammatical error anymore when i proofread the letter

But for the elder generation, they’re still particular about these things which is fair but like idk it felt like an overreaction to the possible idea that i would refer to myself as they/them 🤷‍♀️

My mom especially was so concerned if i thought of myself as non binary

A little side context i was awoken from a 4hr nap by their call so in my defense, wasn’t really thinking of it much when i said i didn’t see the problem with the pronouns ‘their’ being used to refer to myself. I was just.. there’s a pronoun what more do you want i cant think of shit rn

So just to make things clear I’m a she/her gal but i don’t particularly mind they/them unless it’s not clear that I’m the one being referred to when using those pronouns 🤷‍♀️ mehn words are meh. He/him is definitely a no

[lauranyx]

Fuuuck

I finally found out the term PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and it made me so emotional (like running tears emotional) cuz i hardcore relate to it once i read the symptons

Ty bestfren for giving me a label to my monthly Bad Thoughts ™️ premens

[lauranyx]

I was

Having r e v e l a t i o n s today~

So its my monthly “i wanna die” phase cuz periods (ugh)

I wanted to take note of the shit that i was spewing out my mouth but my brain be rotting and forgetting everything so here i am hoping to kick start the memory card up in there🫤

Something about wanting to die but suicide be looked down upon,, feeling used and abused and just letting myself be in that situation because its being done by family,, shtuff like that idk

Anyways

I cried a bit and hoped ranting to the void would help (it both did and didnt so whatevs)

[lauranyx]

Another thing that happened yday before i realized i was pmsing

So my tita asked if i wanted anything from the states so I asked for either a oversized hoodie or a scented candle

She got me an open knit sweater

Kinda annoying considering its not even the same type of clothing i asked for 🤦‍♀️

I just- what was the point of asking what i wanted if youre gonna diss on my hope and expectations like this

Id rather u just not get me anything honestly

Im still grateful but shit mehn it feels like my thoughts/ideas werent even a consideration; like what i wanted was irrelevant

[lauranyx]

Ayt now i know why i was so emotional yday

Just got my period today 🫤

[lauranyx]

God im such a fucken masochist

Im reading such a depressing fic while in a bad mental state and its just exacerbating the negative vibes i have going on

[lauranyx]

Wtf im so hurt

So my dad went to that states for vacay and he asked me what i wanted

Im simple so i said i just wanted oreos (and later on i also said a rain jacket cuz practicality in a tropical country that rains so often)

And like i know he said he got some for me when he came back but i couldnt find it

So i asked our fam gc about it and my mom goes

Oh dont think he got u any cuz one box is with us and another to my brother but like wtf im just excluded from this one thing you all know that i like???? Hello??

So here i am having a break down and needing to release my frustration. I am legit in tears, bawling

Like cannot see my keyboard properly cuz of blurry my eyesight is but autocorrect is a thing so whatever

[lauranyx]

So i was searching about pms right? Both pre- and post- cuz i mainly notice the post for myself

And like

Both symptoms could last up to 2 wks??!

So, potentially, there are women out there suffering basically everyday until their period actually starts and get another dose of suffering for the duration of their mens… bruh this is just sad

[lauranyx]

Ughh so many times ppl ask me things but dont believe me when i answer

Wtf was the point of asking if u won’t trust my answers

Wasting my breath 😒

[lauranyx]

Im so lonely but i also feel like id be a bother to my friends if i reach out. I dont like feeling like a burden. I could ask but im not the type to so silent suffering it is

And making new friends are such a hassle and terrifying

Why couldnt i have made a connection in schl 😔 i would like my own person who i can share anything and everything with. My go to comfort and joy 😟 (kinda pressuring for whoever thatll be but im needy so meh)

[lauranyx]

Ooooh i just got ticked off

Had a long day

Was denied removal of my stitches because the first hospital— the closer one to where i live— dont allow that if i didnt get my stitches from them then the hospital i did get the stitches from couldn’t accommodate me cuz the staff that are allowed to do it are on holiday (fuck philippine independence)

Then i had to pick up my titas phone from her schl cuz she left it there the other day and since i went to the area cuz of the hospital, she asked me to pick it up for her. Problem here was that i had to wait like a half hour cuz the staff in schl were out

While waiting i went to a nearby mall and bought some..

(I stopped midway writing this and now its been over a month so i wont remember everything as clearly anymore but ill try to continue where i left off)

So i bought some cleaning supplies for the car. Specifically a rag? But like it was supposed to be leather? Or at least thats what the driver wanted. I’ll get back to this later. After buying the goods i was finally able to get my titas phone.

When i got back home, i gave the driver the rag and motherfucker tells me its wrong. Im so irritated by this point (internally only) cuz its such a waste of money. He ended up buying another rag which i had to reimburse and thats what irritates me. Like fucken just use the shit given to you or pat for it yourself ughhhh but im fucken pushover so i just paid for it. But its just so aggravating to deal with

So there. Thats all i can remember from this day.

[lauranyx]

Life update

A little late but there arent any date stamps anyways so whatevs

Anywho! So last wk i got a minor operation on my left side

What we all thought was just fat or lymphoma was apparently a cyst (benign tho so we guds) the only reason y i even got the operation was cuz it grew from the last time i took note of it (hs and uni) so yuh

Frustrated a bit by the minimal movement

Im finally allowed to have the stitches removed but bcuz I’m busy today I’ll have to delay it to tom

Ugh i hope this doesn’t take too long to heal completely; i miss being able to move and stretch freely

Funny tho how everyone around me forgets i was cut open just a wk ago so they’re mildly surprised when i have to turn down physical activities smh 🤦‍♀️😂😂

[lauranyx]

….

So i got sick

Started 2 nights ago

I felt my throat kinda hurting then getting a cough

Me being me, ofc i didnt say anything so when my dad asked me if i wanted to run w him the next morning I grudgingly said sure. This might have made my condition worse

I dont actually know🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway, i just wanted to rant that ok yea im not really saying how i feel in terms of this illness but like its so disheartening to hear everybody dismiss my condition just cuz i dont have a fever. Like bruh if i have a fever that means my body is fighting for my fucken life already

Right now my body is fucken winning. Doesnt mean i dont feel like shit

But again im not disclosing how i feel so partly my fault but geez what kinda family does that smh 😒

[lauranyx]

So pissed

So i was having some me time in my room and i left my door unlocked cuz i thought this family practices what they preach and knocks on doors AND waits for a response before opening doors but apparently not so this mf just barges into my room while im tryna feel good. Its a damn good thing i still have most of my clothes

But seriously wtf

Where are the manners?? Its Y O U R generation thats so picky about that and teaching that shit but u dont even practice it?! Ugh

[lauranyx]

Yo?? I really need help w my phone addiction?

Such a struggle to be a productive, responsible member of society when the black mirror is calling 😮‍💨 🤦‍♀️

[lauranyx]

Ayt so..

I wanna put my thoughts and feelings into words so like,, i can remember who i am or some shit idk whtvr

Fuck as i was writing that intro i forgot what i wanted to write. . . .

.

.

.

Ok! So uhm yeah

I was having thoughts; reminiscing on memories

I remembered having lunch w lolo in shabu shabu and realizing that ppl who care about you give into your wants over theirs even if it displeases them to an extent

We ordered the set w meat veggie and noodles

Lolo didnt seem to like the noodles but was willing to order it cuz i wanted to try since i havent tho he has and said it was alright

This is all just to preface that-

With me, just straight up tell me what you want or dont want

Dont make me try to guess

Dont try to imply or insinuate anything

Imma be oblivious on purpose

Do not try to guilt me into to thinking my own decision is wrong just because you were inconvenienced by it. There for sure was a window for you to speak your preferences

If you dont and choose to let me decide

Dont fucken complain about it

I aint about that

It just irritates me cuz it feels like your tryna guilt me

No thank you pass

And pls dont try to be polite if your not actually willing

Offering me food or whatever? Dont actually if you dont want to share because i will take it🤷‍♀️

Ceebs mehn

Ty to chan for teaching me that term unknowingly

SKEAATWYMSKS

Stay knows what i mean :p

[lauranyx]

So we were having our usual family sunday lunch-dinner and this particular topic came up:

The purpose of your own life

My tito was asking what my purpose in life was cuz he was also questioning his own. He also admitted that he still doesn’t know what his own purpose is.

Ofc i answered that i dont have one

Then he countered w “why?”

How was I supposed to say “because i dont particularly want to live” to the rest of my family? So naturally i didn’t say anything and just bullshitted that i didn’t have a reason for not having a purpose in life.

So he goes on to say that when i can answer that ill have found my purpose,, or something like that

Meanwhile, I was just tryna keep in my negative thoughts cuz i just know that if i spoke honestly it will become a whole thing that i don’t want to deal with at this time. Maybe if it was just my immediate family id be more open but since it wasn’t, I immediately shut down the notion of opening up that part of me.

I don’t particularly feel safe with my relatives to bare myself that way. To let myself be vulnerable in that aspect

Im already hurting. I don’t want to risk more hurt by what they will might say.

Dealing with my own personal thoughts and emotions is already hard on my own. Having to share that with people you don’t feel comfy enough or safe enough with to know that they won’t exacerbate or invalidate me 🙁