late-night-whispers

[late-night-whispers]

trigger warning: self hate

hey. i know it’s been a while -- it’s not like i post much on here anyway but-

i mean, i do mentally draft blog posts for this tumblr in my head every now and then, but i just don’t have the energy to open a text post up and type. it’s not like i don’t type -- i text a couple of friends and tweet sometimes -- but i- i don’t know.

i don’t have the energy to do most things these days. these months. it’s been a year and a half since i’ve been like this and i don’t know why. it’s like a vicious cycle, though -- every new day of unproductivity (is that a word-) adds to the feelings of anxiety above my head, like a personal rain cloud. the more work there is, the more reluctant i am to do it, and the cycle starts all over again.

lately, i’ve been spiraling into this endless black hole of self hate. (are black holes endless?? don’t they have a vortex or something?? is that pointed or- i don’t know, you probably get shredded on the way there or stretched out and my brain feels pretty shredded and stretched right now.) it’s progressing to a point where i cannot look at another person without feeling bad about myself and my body and my face and my personality. i simply cannot bear to look into a mirror anymore without having an urge to smash it. i hate everything about the girl i see (staring straight right at me). i hate the way she smiles. i hate the way she moves. i hate everything about her. so imperfect. so insufferably clumsy, a big blob of fat. i hate the way she talks, the way she says stuff. i hate her jokes, and the way she keeps rambling from one topic to another. i hate the slob that she is, the unproductive mess that she is.

sometimes i don’t want to exist. don’t get me wrong i don’t want to die, but i want to disappear for a little while, into another dimension, and not because of any form of bodily trauma (for those of you who might think i want to go into a coma). i just want to wake up one day and be somebody else, somebody who isn’t so horribly imperfect, somebody who has a drive to get shit done. somebody who’s personality is fun and endearing, and not annoying and cringey.

i’ve heard the “be youself!!” trope way too much, but the way i judge myself and feel about myself is etched too deep into my brain to be erased. it’s funny when you think about it, my brain is the only thing that can change my brain. i wish it would, but it doesn’t want to. either that, or it can’t. i don’t know-

[late-night-whispers]

hello yes i would like to delete a certain intruding bitch from my life

[late-night-whispers]

all i ever wanted is a happy healthy bond with my family. i wish it was just me and my mom and my dad. i wish we had a house of our own, something we could call a home.

i wish i could talk to my mom and dad about stuff that’s on my mind. i wish my parents would appreciate my artwork. i wish, for once, that my mom would look at something i’ve created and said, “that’s really pretty”, or, “i love how that looks”, instead of telling me to “stop wasting my time on stuff that’s of no use to anybody.” i wish i was appreciated for who i am, and i wish my interests weren’t dismissed or waved away insignificantly.

sorry for ranting :), i’ve just been holding this back for so long.

[late-night-whispers]

gah. i hate myself. i hate me. i really do.

why? why do i hate myself today??

i cheated on a test. there it is. i can’t believe i did that. if you have a high moral compass, you probably can’t believe i did that either.

it felt horrible to sit there and contemplate cheating -- it’s entirely my fault too, because i barely made it through 1 out of 4 chapters on the list. i had a week to study, and i made no use of it. i keep sitting down and staring at the goddamn Powerpoint slides and trying to focus, but i just can’t. i don’t know why. there’s an everlasting sea of thoughts just gushing into my head.

i knew a bunch of answers, but not enough to score well enough to avoid being shouted at by my mom and dad. what did i do? i cheated. 

i hatemeihatemeihateme. this isn’t even the first time. it’s the second. this is going into my report card, and i cheated.

somebody please knock me out with a baguette because i don’t deserve to be alive. bye.

[late-night-whispers]

do you ever just want to fold in on yourself until you don’t exist anymore? i know i do.

sometimes i contemplate why i started this tumblr. is it because i wanted to be relieved of my identity and say everything i want to say?? or is it because i can post all the nitty gritty details of my oh-so-tragic life and hope for people to pity me and validate me, because i’m selfish and attention seeking like that?? i don’t know. i wish i didn’t crave validation so much, revel in that feeling. i hate that it’s practically ingrained into my personality, this need to seek out praise from people, this insatiable need to be liked. maybe it’s because i don’t like myself at all.

[late-night-whispers]

i like this. i can say whatever i want here. it’s like being able to scream endlessly into a void where no one knows who you are. 

so, i’m going to go ahead. i’m going to scream. and you’re going to have no choice but to listen. 

or maybe you can unfollow me. that’s cool too :)