lapoetemaudite

[lapoetemaudite]

When fear meets desire, stillness is required. And in that moment patience is attained, to ignite the fires of change. Till we fear no more...

[lapoetemaudite]

Me…

Beautiful disaster, oxymoron in the flesh. Believing in things I have yet to experience, fearing the power I possess. Growing to attain stillness, controlling my own flow. Conscious of my knowledge, pretending I don’t really know. Abandoning companionship, because I don’t want to feel alone. Lost in my own world, here is where I feel at home. Lying to myself about finding my own truth. My individuality mirroring the things inside of you.

[lapoetemaudite]

“forged signatures on my heart and flesh,forcing my fears to take flight with fate, praising her and forgettin my faith was my mistake”

— Moi(4rm the poem Woman)

[lapoetemaudite]

“She yearns for constant copulation, through her tension and sexual frustration, she subjects herself to masturbation without hesitation or contemplation realizing she cant wait in…her eyes u can she her desire, in her heart is raging fire, her passion reaches limits expectations are higher protecting herself so no1 can deny her no risk of rejection or feelings to decipher Because shes feeling herself…”

— Moi

[lapoetemaudite]

Love...freedom or imprisonment?

I always wonder how much of my self would I be if I give my all to someone. Would I feel the freedom I feel when I’m alone, or would I become a prisoner of love, a prisoner to routine or expectancy…The perfect love fit for me would encompass all that I have alone and all that I desire in companionship…i want to be all that I am and live in my own truth, but also  I want to become one and receive another persons truths…my greatest fear is to lose myself in love and it not work out and after I may never be able to find myself again…I will just be that jaded broken heart bitter woman with baggage…

[lapoetemaudite]

“I only remember you when I’m high which is strange because that’s usually when I forget things …”

—

[lapoetemaudite]

“Have you ever had the urge to submerge yourself in art?”

—

[lapoetemaudite]

Random thoughts...

It’s strange how the things I desire the most are always the exact same things I fear.It’s not exactly my desires that I fear but the getting so wrapped up in my desires that I lose control. Wanting,yearning,and lusting for things are weaknesses.The moment your mind has fixated on this one thing,you completely wrap yourself up in the thought of attaining the object of your desire.Then when you attain it you completely indulge and lose yourself so much that you’ve had too much and it no longer pleases you…so what’s next?

[lapoetemaudite]

“Ever wanting, ever longing, ever needing…relaxation, arms wrapped around so tightly but leave room for breathing…instead I hold me down fill my voids by sharing,dying optimism from giving, no reciprocity…ever changing, ever growing ever evolved, but suicide to positivity unsolved, love mysteries..chains of regret b/c of a love I never met…over analyzed thoughts imprison me,but I swore I wanted to be free…lock my heart inside a box repress my thoughts, inhibiting..ever loved never received ever guarded, fears of inadequacy…doubt my change,wasn’t initiated by positivity…must remind myself to breath …exhale, there’s a reason everything failed,bring my soul back to life pull my thoughts out of hell …ever wanting, ever longing ever needing…poetry”

—

[lapoetemaudite]

“When fear meets desire…stillness is required and in that moment patience is attained to ignite the fires of change till we fear no more…”

—

[lapoetemaudite]

Simplicity

I wonder if we’ve got it all wrong…for some reason we’re conditioned to think that if you do certain things you are guaranteed a certain outcome…NOTHING IS GUARANTEED...its as simple as “I have a slice of cake, if I properly store this cake in the refrigerator then tomorrow I can enjoy this cake as a snack"  But who knows what will happen tomorrow, will you live? will someone eat your cake? will you get too busy and forget you have the cake? Why not enjoy it now?

Its funny when people say "if you keep working as hard as you do then you will succeed” how do you know? Thats just what we hope…But who’s to say I don’t think I’m successful now? Theres always better we HOPE, but I have a feeling we’ve got it all wrong…Instead of always hoping for more and more and going through life unsatisfied based on the the standards of what “the world” considers a success…why not find joy in what you have, why not find success in the simple things…“Today I woke up and made a delicious cake, today was a success” it could be that simple…It doesn’t make you complacent when you appreciate each moment and everything you have.You can hope for more, just don’t let receiving be your motivation for everything…Don’t be so ungrateful that you cant even enjoy the simplicities in life…

Nothing is guaranteed,life doesn’t owe you shit, tomorrow is not promised so live today.Do all of the things you want to do each day you can. Love when you want to love, smile when you have a reason to.Reach for each opportunity you see EVERYDAY, not just when you feel you deserve it.You cant go through life thinking that you’re running out of time or the time isn’t now..all you really have is now…

[lapoetemaudite]

The Suffering, The Effect, The Evolution...

The suffering

Its hard to reprogram your thoughts…being exposed to a highly critical environment where you were only told what you were doing “wrong” according to their standards…sometimes its so bad to the point where you try to overcompensate for what you lack by focusing all of your time and energy trying to correct those “wrong” things by overachieving in what you do “right” …Just reaching and reaching for that validation that you’ll never receive…

The effect

It has taken me years to get used to hearing good things about myself, to feel like my “wrong” didn’t matter and my “right” was good enough. The upside to this was in some twisted way hearing all those negative things motivated me to do “better”, but the downside to that was I was never satisfied with myself on top of feeling like I wasn’t good enough in others eyes. My best was not good enough, who I was was not good enough, it was almost like I was invisible UNLESS I did something “wrong”. This is the mindset this environment put me in…

The evolution

I still struggle with this in more ways than one now in my life. I wonder if people are honest enough to tell me when I’m doing something “wrong” so I can correct it or at least show I can do something “right”. I wonder if my wrong could ever be over looked by my right, if my pure intentions are clear. I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to wonder when I’ve already done what was right, I started off with pure intentions. Everybody has their own personal opinion about whats right or wrong. When it comes down to myself I can’t be concerned about another’s opinion b/c I have my own. I have to live my life based on the standards that I create, if I continue to do otherwise I’ll never be happy or satisfied with myself…how I feel about myself reflects…i have to see the good in myself for others to do so and if they don’t I cant be worried.

[lapoetemaudite]

Temporarily broken...

I wonder if writers are cursed…when it’s over the others move on, they forget how it felt, the feelings no longer exist to them and they become numb…but writers we endure the sadness, anger and disappointment…we have to fight through the pain and live to write about it…

[lapoetemaudite]

The horrible story that I tell myself about myself when no one else is around is...

I’m weird, crazy, nobody will ever really understand me…if my own parents and family members don’t want me around then why would anyone else. I’m intelligent but nobody will ever take me seriously because I’m pretty. Most of the people in my life are only around to use me for something. Women will be attracted to me but once they get to know my flaws it’ll scare them away. I have a nice body but I’m not sexy because I don’t have any curves, I’m too skinny. Being alone is better than being rejected by society for being different. I don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone for fear that once things seem perfect they’ll go downhill from there. I’m not the relationship type because I’ve never been in or have seen a successful relationship. I love others too easily and too much but I don’t love myself enough. Sometimes I settle for the things I don’t really want b/c I’m not so sure that I’m capable of being able to keep what I desire if I got the chance to have it. I deserve to be treated right but I dont feel like I’m worth it because I’m not perfect. Nobody will ever love me for me or take the time to really get to know who I am deep down. I don’t give myself enough credit for fear that I wont succeed if i become complacent. I don’t know how to take compliments because sometimes I don’t feel like who I am or what I do is good enough, I could always be better or learn more.

I did this exercise not to fish for compliments or to be validated but because I really sat down and listened to my inner child, I wanted to know what I really truly thought about myself. I wanted to know what were the negative things I thought about myself that prevent me from living the life I know I truly deserve. I realized that it was so easy for me to think great things about myself and rule them out b/c of a flaw. Somehow Ive created a cycle of complimenting myself then putting my own self down. Somehow I even started believing that I was all of the negative tings people tell me about me.

So today I wrote these things down and mentally burned them, today I have to make the choice to stop mentally mutilating myself.

[lapoetemaudite]

My future…

I don’t feel as fearless as I did before, everything about the way she made me feel was scary, it was…different. I know I said I wanted to experience something I’ve never felt but these feelings were too intense, too soon…I finally felt like I had something to lose, so I pushed it away because once again I didn’t believe that I was worthy…I didn’t think I was at a place in my life where I could give 100% of myself to someone…so I made the same mistakes I made before and expected the same old outcome, and that’s what I received…I made it so, she contributed so in some way I assumed she felt the way I did and wanted to escape…I didn’t intend for this to be the end of us because we never really began…sometimes I think I’ve gone mad because I really feel like she was the one…but we’re back in this space again, the space where we’re apart but not so far for me to miss her, because she lives in me…in the memories and the lessons I learned…I’m beginning to feel comfortable with the distance, but one day I want to be uncomfortable…I see it being different from what we’ve both experienced but the way it should be, us … But then again this could all just be my overactive imagination, I could really be obsessed and hopelessly devoted to someone that never thinks of me.I could just be longing for a love that’ll never be reciprocated…maybe my daydreams about how close we could be disillusioned me and steered me from reality…or maybe I’m writing our future…

[lapoetemaudite]

Moon

She was supposed to be my moon… It never bothered me when she would drift away to others because I knew for a fact that she’d be back when she needed my light to make her feel whole again. She wasn’t mine to keep, she was there for me to love unconditionally and admire her beauty…she is not my moon but the only moon that remained constant in each lifetime of mine…I’ve died each lifetime just so that I could live to see each phase of her, to watch her with others serving as the light that illuminates…the agony of sharing the moon with others mixed with the understanding that they need her even more than I do bc they can’t shine on their own the way I can…so I just love and admire her from a distance…

[lapoetemaudite]

Tryna find the Yin to my Yang and make peace with You.

Kris (@evolve2exist)