lapismoontide

[lapismoontide]

Poetic

I've been watching (re-watching) Outlander recently. I have almost all of the books, and two of the audiobooks (the first two in the series). I've read the first book, and I'm in the process of reading the second. Dragonfly in Amber.

On the television series, I'm on the last episode of the second season, which is also titled "Dragonfly in Amber". The second book entails the happenings the second season of the show (I think).

Every time I watch Outlander, or read it I always start to feel so poetic! Lol!!!

It also spikes my interest in history, and brings up my desires to travel to Scotland.

Hopefully I'll get to go someday. I'm 32, not getting any younger. I really hope I can travel there one day before I get too old. I'd really love to be able to go at least when I'm in my 30's. I have 8 years to achieve that goal.

I don't really set many big goals for myself, and this one would be the first. So I really hope to achieve that soon.

Just wanted to put that out there into the world.

I will go to Scotland before I turn 40!

-Lori

[lapismoontide]

I'll Do it Tomorrow!

I can't stand that statement!

I'm 32 years old, and I used to be a huge procrastinator. My Papaw always told me, "don't put off tomorrow what you can do today". The age I am today, I really know what he was talking about.

Why does someone who is two years older than me act like a fucking teenager?

I grew up with structure. I woke up every morning, and I went to school. I went to bed at a certain time, I ate with my family for dinner, I did my homework before I played. Those types of things. I didn't really like it at the time, structure. However, now that I am older, I appreciate it so much.

However, I have been with someone for 17 years that grew up with no structure. Always moving from place to place, always living amongst chaos. Never having money for basic essentials, etc.

You would think that living like that as a child, would give someone the drive to never live like that again, right? Not in this case. Nope! He wants to live the exact same way he was raised, and if it weren't for my family that's how he would have been living all of these years.

I don't thrive in chaos. I don't want to live like this anymore. Always arguing, never being able to get a fix to one single problem, always speaking to someone is on the offense (someone who gets offended at everything, even if it isn't offensive. They'll make it offensive.) Never in the 15 years we have lived together has woken up happy. Constantly mad at the world, mad that they aren't handed everything on a silver platter, and has the audacity to call ME spoiled.

Idk. He needs help to heal his past traumas. He is in a constant loop of pain, but I can't fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed.

[lapismoontide]

Same Shit, Different Day

Every time I think things are going to get better, they get worse. It feels like things are never going to change. Not on their own. I am going to have to be the one to make the change. I realize this. I know what I "need" to do. It isn't what I "want" to do, but I feel like I have no other choice.

The man I am with, told me he didn't want me to work. He told me to stay home, take care of everything here (which is a job in and of itself, I'd rather go to a real job honestly) while he worked. I was adamant about doing that, b/c once I give up working my independence is gone. However, I love this man so I didn't mind stepping down and letting him provide. I wanted that. I did just what he repeatedly told me to do. When he started working tho, he would be very angry. He'd say, "I can't believe you are making me do this". Basically what I hear when he says things like that is, "Mom!!!!! I can't believe you're making me work to feed myself! I can't believe you're making me pay for the water that I wash my ass with!" Although, I'm his girl, not his mother. I am about to flip shit.

So, in his little temper tantrums, he will say "you're not doing anything but sitting on your ass while I make the money". Remember tho, he told me not to work. I should have never listened to him. I can't trust him, I can't rely on him. I can only rely on myself.

So what needs to be done? Firstly, I need a fucking job. Second, and I don't want to do this, but if a man lies up in your house all day, does nothing, nothing at all; what are you supposed to do? Keep taking care of him like he's your chid for 15 more years? I can't. I really don't want us to be apart, but honestly he's making it be that way. It has been nothing but toxicity for the past 17 years, and I have stayed. Thinking it is going to get better, but it's always the same thing over and over again.

I feel a change coming on, and I hope for the best. I really do, but something is completely wrong.

[lapismoontide]

Catcalling

I get catcalled basically everywhere I go.

I am a woman, I live in a remote area, and men catcall all of the time. I'm so used to it, that I don't pay any attention to it anymore. At all. I don't even notice it if it's happening.

I went to Walmart with my boyfriend yesterday, and I walked past this younger man. He was probably about 20. I'm 32, so that's young to me. He was visibly young, lol. I didn't pay no mind to him, and when I walked past him I heard a whistle. It wasn't a "you're sexy whistle", it was just a whistle.

So I go inside of the store, and my boyfriend sent me a text. He said he got that guys license plate. I said, "what?" I said, "what guy?" He said the guy that had whistled at me, and I said I didn't even realize someone had whistled at me. He said that the guy couldn't keep his eyes off of me.

My boyfriend should take that as a compliment really, that he has something that other men stare at. Ya know? I didn't pay any mind to any man that I passed.

Anyway, we got to talking about it when I got in the car, and I told him what I just told you. That I was used to things like that. I said I could look like a piece of trash that day, and I'd still get catcalled b/c men don't care really what you look like.

So today, we go to the store. I'm in a t-shirt, and some cloth shorts. We were going to the dollar store below our house, and he asked me if I wanted him to go inside for me. I said no, that's okay (b/c I wanted to look at stuff). He said, "is it b/c you want men to look at you?"

What kind of statement is that? Literally blaming me, b/c I got catcalled. Are you insane?

So we go to the gas station later, and there's a girl with a really big butt in the parking lot. He saw it when we pulled in, and I even mentioned it saying, "danggg that girl has a big butt". He of course goes inside for me again (b/c there were men in the parking lot and he didn't want them looking at me, and he said that he doesn't stare at women like that). Tell me why when he's walking inside, he makes it almost to the door, and he turns around to stare at the girls ass. Hahahaha!! So fucking hypocritical. Idk, I'm just sick of shit.

[lapismoontide]

Lost

I went on a ride today with my boyfriend.

It was going pretty good. It was a beautiful day, and we decided to take our dog to an old historical place in our town. There are war trenches that have overgrown with grass, and there's a monument there and stuff. It's atop a hill, and it's just really secluded and beautiful.

We haven't really been anywhere together in a while, and when we do go out we just go to the store. Do what we have to do, and get back home.

So we get out, and we're walking and talking. The dog is running around, and I have a iPhone 14 ProMax! The camera is really good on it, but I'm never really out anywhere to use it much. However, I really love photography. So I pull it out, and I'm taking photos of the scenery. Then, the dog starts running around me, and I think to myself that I should take the chance to try out the cinematic mode b/c I don't ever take videos.

So, I start to take the video, and I ask my boyfriend to get the dog running around again b/c I'm trying to take a video. He says nothing, and I look up at him. He has the most disgusting look on his face. Just like he is absolutely disgusted by my request (I thought).

I asked him what was wrong, and he said that it was annoying b/c I don't need to video everything every time we go somewhere. It upset me, b/c like I said we don't ever go anywhere. I don't take videos EVER, and I said, "that's not really true, b/c we don't really go anywhere for me to take videos all of the time". Even if I did, so what? It's an interest I have. Photography! Why is that an issue? Why is that something that's annoying to him? It just made me start thinking, wondering if I'm with the wrong person for me. Is he with the wrong person for him? These are the thoughts going through my mind.

So of course, I'm quiet b/c I have things running through my head. Then he abruptly says, "let's go". Then we leave. We get in the car, and he says "we might as well just end it, instead of having to fake this shit, it's getting old. It isn't worth it". That's a confusing statement to me, so I ask him what does he mean by "faking it"? He tells me that I need to quit turning everything into his fault, and he says that he didn't want me videoing HIM. That's what he "meant", and I must have misunderstood. NO, I heard what he said to me. Then he says that he's talking about ME FAKING IT. Yeah, okay. He was talking about himself faking it, not me. Why in the hell would he think that I am faking it? He is the one faking shit.

I order some food, and he tries to lighten the mood and says we should go drive around the graveyard. We do, and everything is fine. I guess he started faking it again. Lol.

On the way home tho, I decide to ask him again. I ask him, "when you said that about faking it, did you mean that you're faking it?" He got irritated that I was asking, and he said, "I'm not going to argue with you". I told him I wasn't trying to argue, I was just wondering. He said, NO I'M NOT FAKING IT. Really fast he said it, and I just said okay.

[lapismoontide]

Picked some fruit from my yard today! Freshly picked fruit tastes NOTHING like the fruit in the stores. No additives, just freshly grown. Given to me by Mother Nature! If you have the chance, you should really try fresh fruit off the vine! You'll be amazed how different the tastes are from store bought fruit. You will think you've never tasted a real blueberry when you eat some from the vine. Sweet and sour at the same time, and so fresh. Just extremely refreshing, and gives you the most energy. It's insane! I look forward to my fruit every year!

[lapismoontide]

Full of Rage

I'm trying not to go off and say things to someone that I don't mean, so I've came here to unleash the beast within.

I am so angry right now.

It seems like nothing goes right for me.

It's the same constant loop of events that happen over and over and over again in my life, and I am so utterly sick and tired of it.

The man I'm with is 2 years older than me. We have been together for 17 years, and it's been nothing but a gigantic struggle the whole entire fucking time.

When will it change?

That's something I constantly ask myself.

Have I tried to do things to make change happen? Oh yeah, that's all I seem to do. Cater to someone in the idea that if I do this different things will change. If I walk lightly, he won't be angry. If I don't say what I think, he won't be mad at me. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. It's so much, I can't even put it all into words. It all always comes out jumbled making no sense to anyone who would read it I'm sure.

So what we have been trying to work on for more than a fucking decade is working. Hahahaha!! Literally, just keeping a fucking job. That's it.

I've worked before, and I am unemployed at the moment. Yeah, I could work. However, every time I do work, my man thinks that he can just quit his job. He thinks that if I am working, there's no reason for him to work. I'll take care of him, his basic needs will be met. He will have a roof over his head, water to wash his ass with, food to eat, internet to play his games on, power to use all utilities, a phone to make calls and talk to women behind my back on, a car to use, gas to put in the car; I could go on and on and on and on.

He thinks that I should work, clean the house, take care of the animals, pay all of the bills (and worry about all of the bills), buy all of the food, cook all of the food; basically do every mother fucking thing there is to do. Take care of him like a mother would take care of a fucking child, and I'm tired of doing it.

So I told him that he can fucking work, and I'll do the rest of it. Which is a fair deal if you really really think about it. If I had to just work, just go to work and that's it? Oh my god, that would be a fucking dream to me. I would absolutely love to just work and not have to worry about a damn thing. Wouldn't you?

How much better of a deal can you fucking get?

He got a job working for a tree company about 9 months ago now. Maybe more. He stayed at this job which was actually astonishing to me, b/c before now he's literally quit every single job for the past decade. Even the tree job, he worked (out of town) the first week having to room with another person (male of course) in a hotel. The hotel was paid for, they gave them $120 a week for food, and they only worked four days out of the week. He comes home after the first week, and says he's not going back. Meanwhile at home, we are drowning. Barely hanging on. Having broken payment promises to every bill company (multiple payment agreements), and he has the audacity to say he is going to quit his job. Knowing that he is the only thing that is keeping us going. So we get into this huge argument, and I basically tell him that I will sign one of my cars over to him if he quits and he can take his first and only check, and leave. B/c I can barely take care of myself, I can't take care of me and him when I have no job, and I'm the only one trying to figure out ways to keep food on the table. Fuck the bills, just food is hard to buy.

However, he ends up going back to the job. Stomping and bitching like a teenager would when you make them go to school, but he goes. So when he leaves this time, he finds out that he is going to be put on a new crew. A crew with a woman as the new foreman b/c they had a crew wreck due to lack of sleep. The old foreman who was driving drove into a sign on the interstate, and it cut his head off. So they appointed this girl that had worked for them for a few months as the foreman b/c idk if you guys know this, but most tree crews like to hire drug addicts with no license. So the only person who had a license that had worked the 90 day probation period was this woman. So she needed at least one person on her crew, and they sent my man b/c he was the newest employee. I thought that this would actually work out b/c my man doesn't get along with any other men, never has. So I knew that him working with a woman, he'd fit right in. He did just that. Never complained about his job ever again. There's a lot to this whole story, I'll tell it another time. Right now however, we're talking about something else.

So he works for this company through his probation period. The lady foreman ends up getting fired, and the only person in the whole company with a license was my man, so he was appointed foreman of that crew. A lot of stuff happens in-between this time, but he stays at the job. Loves it like he's loved no other job. It was b/c he could stay gone all week long, only live at home 2 days out of the week, and do whatever he wanted the rest of the time. He ends up getting fired b/c he was driving the company truck and wasn't supposed to (on his off time). The supervisor actually had told him he could drive it whenever (I heard him). BUT they had a new company take over, and like I said a lot of shit happened. The supervisor threw him under the bus. Acted like he didn't say he could drive, and so he got fired for doing it. That was wrong, I will admit that.

When he comes home, he starts looking for jobs. Says he is older now, says we won't go through the same shit we had been going through prior to him getting this job. Asked me to just trust him, have faith in him. So I did.

He ends up asking that same company for a job in the company in any position. They actually took him back. When the time comes for him to leave tho, he doesn't go. I told him he needed to go, b/c he can't work factory jobs. He can't work any job where he lives at this house and has to go to it every day. He can't do it b/c I am here, and when I'm here he isn't independent. He relies on me too much. Acts like I am his mother too much. I told him what would happen is he would start getting mad about waking up, or mad about me not getting up with him and shit like that. I told him that he'd start bitching and crying, and blaming me for "making him go to work". I stg it reminds me so much of a teenage boy crying to their mama. I told him he needed to take the out of town job. He promised me he wouldn't do all of that stuff. He's "changed". Okay, so I trusted him like he asked me to.

He gets a job with another tree crew, but this one is local. He doesn't take it b/c it's $15 a hour and he was getting paid $24 a hour at the other job. He doesn't understand that he was using almost $500 each week for himself out of town, so basically making $15 a hour is equivalent to the $24 since he's not out of town having to use all of the extra money.

He turns down that job. Says he has another job lined out. He did, and he got the job. This job paid $30+ a hour. Highest paying job in this area, and we are about 5 minutes from the job location. Really great! He works there one week, and then doesn't go the next. Does a no call no show for four days. Tells me he has been given another tree job. Out of town to the same area, just with a different company. Okay, but he didn't even ask what they pay, will he have to room with people, etc. He just impulsively quit the best paying job he can get here, to go with a company he doesn't even know anything about. He just assumes they pay more than the last tree company. He was wrong.

A day before the time comes for him to leave, he tells me that he "doesn't want to leave me". I got so fucking mad, I saw red. You have to understand how frustrating this shit truly is. Then he finds out this company pays $20 a hour, and yes he WILL have to have a room mate. Greatttttt! He tells me he can get the job back with the other company. I didn't believe that, and I told him he needed to go to the tree job.

He agreed, so the time comes for him to leave. I go to the store to get him a few things for his travels. He messages me when I get to the store, and tells me he's told the boss he's not leaving for the tree job. He messaged his job that he did the no call no show at, and they said they'd give him ONE MORE CHANCE.

Okay, I didn't bitch about it none. I just said okay, I trust you.

He goes back to the good paying job. Works a week, and now this week he worked one day, went the next day and worked about a hour and come home. Then today, he quit. Did another no call no show. Great job! He still hasn't provided me with a reason as to WHY THE FUCK he's done this shit.

I told him he needs to go see a fucking doctor because something is fucking wrong with him. He is 34 years old. He shouldn't be acting like this.

I don't expect anyone to fully take care of me. I am fully capable of doing it myself. It pisses me off however when a grown ass MAN thinks that a woman should take care of him, take care of everything, and then still be in a "womanly" role when she's in the bedroom. Fuckkkkkk noooooooo. You put me in a mans role, and I'm going to be in that mentality. Sorry, I don't want to fuck you when I'm taking care of every damn thing there is to take care of. You're like my child at that point anyway, and who wants to touch their son in that way? Get what I am SAYING??????

It makes me the most mad b/c when he quits like this, doesn't prepare, doesn't have any money saved, doesn't have any resources, nothing. What does he do? He expects me to take care of everything. With no job, and I do it. I am getting sick of doing it tho. It's a lot easier to do everything myself on my own. Without a man child hanging on to my tit. He has a mother. She won't take care of him either, but I'll tell him this. That is where he will be going if he doesn't provide a source of income for HIMSELF asap.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Idk!

[lapismoontide]

Betrayal

I've been betrayed by almost everyone in my life in one way or another.

The only people who haven't betrayed me are my daughter, my parents, grandparents, and my nieces who are 9.

That's it.

Everyone else, even the people whom I thought never would betray me have stabbed me in the back the first chance they get.

My boyfriend of 17 years (who is also my daughters father) I think is the one who has betrayed me the MOST.

It shouldn't be like that, but we have been together since I was 14. So of course there is going to be some betrayal when you grow up with someone.

No one talks about all of the bad things you go through when you stay with your "high school sweetheart". It's fucking hard, you go through a LOT of mental anguish b/c neither of you are grown. You're not supposed to have a relationship that young. You need to find yourself first, I wish that's what I would have done. I wouldn't have my daughter tho, so I have no regrets. I just advocate against young (long term) relationships.

I'm so forgiving, I'm so nice, I'm so naive (or I used to be).

That's why I get fucked over every single time.

My cousin, who has been my best friend my entire life even betrayed me.

I was 30 years old when she accused me of some shit I'd never do. When she did this, it really genuinely shocked me b/c she was the LAST person that I thought I could truly trust. The LAST person who I thought truly knew me. The real me. If she did know me tho, then she wouldn't have accused me of what she accused me of.

Like I said, naive.

I kick myself in the ass every single time I trust someone.

I don't know why I've had so much pain and betrayal in my life.

Maybe I can turn it into something positive. I haven't been able to yet tho. I haven't done anything with my life actually. I'm lost, don't know which way to turn. I thought by this age I'd have it all together. Nope.

[lapismoontide]

Unwanted Drama

I have a cousin who is mutual friends with another friend of mine. They have been doing nothing but arguing for basically the whole year. I have nothing to do with it, and I am friends with both people. One day, my cousin blocked me on all social medias. Wtf? Made no sense to me, but okay! So a week later I get a message from a 14 year old little girl. I am 32 years old! The little girl is my cousins step-sons girlfriend. Lol! The little girl said something along the lines of how she thought it was funny that I was "talking shit" and being friends with my friends enemy or something like that.

I thought that was hilarious, b/c what??? I don't get it, but okay? I assume she's talking about me still being friends with our mutual. Why wouldn't I tho? Their drama is NOT my drama. I don't do drama, both of them know that, and I told both of them to not drag me into any of it.

So, my cousin blocks me. Doesn't have the balls to just talk to me (since she obviously had a problem), and she gets some child (some random child) to message me. Are you fucking serious???

I told the little girl that I am not in any of this drama. It's none of my business, I've stayed neutral throughout the whole ordeal (I think it's childish on both ends but I've not inserted even that opinion), and I was not going to pick sides just b/c someone else wanted me to.

Idk, it just rubs me so wrong in so many ways. Why can't people just talk to you if they have a problem with you? Especially my cousin. I've known her since she was born. Literally! So what is so hard about just coming to me, and talking to me about it if you have an issue? Instead of blocking me, and having someone else reach out to me. That is so immature, and it kills me when people do that.

Everyone I have ever encountered in my ENTIRE LIFE have always said, "if I ever have a problem I'll come to you" or "if someone ever tells me you said something about me, I'll come to you first and ask". No one has ever kept their word. No one ever gives me the common courtesy to just ask me about it. Although I give them that courtesy. I always come straight to them. I am always straightforward. I am always the one that is the "peace maker". It is just very disrespectful in my opinion.

I don't really know why I'm writing this here. I think it's because no one knows who I actually am, and it feels private without actually being private. I want people to hear my words, so instead of writing in my regular diary, I'm going to start writing here.

That's all I have to say for now, but I'll be back soon I'm sure!