langhiyangloveyan

[langhiyangloveyan]

as the weight of everything pressed down on me, everyday i find myself standing on the edge of despair, feeling like i might fall into the abyss anytime soon. each breath feels heavy, and every heartbeat reminds me how alone i am, like joy had been stolen away. i tried to reach out to friends and family, but it seemed like everyones moving on with their lives while im stuck in a gray world. their laughter feels like a cruel joke, a reminder of the warmth i used to have. i want comfort, yes, but the idea of anyone getting too close made me uneasy. i dont wanna drag them into my darkness. it feels like im in a crowded room, surrounded by familiar faces, yet completely alone, like a ghost in a life that didnt feel like mine anymore. the doubts and sadness growing louder, drowning out any hope. sometimes i could almost hear the tempting call of giving up, promising an end to the pain and a break from the constant anxiety that had became my shadow. this is one of my darkest times, and the thought of moving forward feels impossible. every day is a struggle, a battle against the invisible chains that is holding me back. i wanna scream, to let the world know how trapped i feel, but the words never come. they're stuck in my throat, tangled with fear and shame. the nights are the hardest. when the world quiets down, my thoughts become a chaotic storm, swirling around my mind. id lie in bed, staring at the ceiling feeling utterly lost. the darkness wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket, and i wish for nothing more than to escape it. i rmmber the pact i had made with myself long ago, the promise to choose peace over pain. it was a promise that had been buried beneath layers of obligation and expectation, but now it resurfaced, clearer than ever. i envisioned a quiet place, free from the chaos, where i could finally find solace. the thought brought a strange sense of calm, a flicker of hope amidst the darkness. i try to distract myself, scrolling endlessly on my phone, hoping to find something, anything, that could pull me out of this pit. but all i find are images of happy faces, adventures, and laughter. its like a knife twisting in my gut, reminding me of what i dont have. i wanna tell someone how i feel, tell them about the things trapped in my mind, but its locked away like a secret i couldnt share. i started to isolate myself. id decline invitations, make excuses, and hide away in my room. it felt safer this way, away from the world that seemed to move on without me. maybe if i just stayed quiet, the pain would lessen. but it only grew heavier, like a weight on my chest that i couldnt shake off. the days blurred together. mornings were just a reminder that i had to face another day, and nights filled with thoughts that spirals out of control. wishing for a way out. the darkness feels like a thick fog, wrapping around me, making it hard to see anything beyond the sadness. sometimes, id catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of happier times. a song on the radio, a photo on my phone, or even a smell that took me back to a better moment. but those glimpses were fleeting, and the pain would come flooding back. i feel like imdrowning in my own despair, unable to find a lifeline to cling to. i wonder if anyone would even notice if i disappeared. would they care? would they even remember me? i know i need help from other people, but the thought of reaching out felt daunting. what if they dont understand? what if they judged me? the fear of rejection is paralyzing, and ig its better if i just stay trapped in my own mind. i know i need to find a way out, but the darkness feels suffocating. its like trying to breathe underwater, impossible to find air. i feel like im running out of time, like the darkness was closing in on me.

[langhiyangloveyan]

im 30 years old. my mom was 63 years old. she passed away on january 2nd this year. she felt pain for so long that made her silently ask god "why me?" every single night. fought for her life for years and took multiple tablets a day to ease the pain. but still had a stroke and those were the worst days of my entire life. the sound of my mother wailing and telling me it hurts everywhere and me signing the DNR will haunt me until my dying day. our family prayed non stop but her illness kept getting worse and worse everyday. obviously nothing good happened, and now i struggle to pray or ask for something or even believe theres a higher being. it feels empty, i cant. since day one, until the time she got admitted to the hospital. my mom was religious, our family was, she had so many people praying for her healing, even me, all i did was try and pray and still she didnt made it through. im not trying to tell you that youre wrong for how youre feeling or what you believe in. you can have your prayer sessions outside the house if you really need it. but please know that i respect you but i dont need to respect your beliefs, i didnt believe in god before all these and the recent misfits we had definitely solidified my disbelief. ive already lost my faith and have no plans finding it back anytime soon.

[langhiyangloveyan]

Ma

It's been a while since you left, but it feels like just yesterday. For a few months everyone was sad and stressed. We siblings felt that our only light went off and everything seems so dark. The pain of losing you will never ease.

We have another fur-baby now, her name is Nala. I know you would have loved her too, the same way you showed your love to Kablong. Everything stayed in place at home for a few months after your passing, but little by little we tried to get used to adulting. We rearranged furniture, change pillow cases, changed curtains, decluttered cabinets, and gave away stuff that can still be used by others rather than let it rot at home. I know you would’ve agreed with my decisions ma. I’m trying to make being resilient and courageous be my mantra since I’m in charged with decision making now.

I have Kre with me that helps all throughout. Every week she buys flowers for your picture stand. She said you loved it and wouldn’t complain to get flowers weekly. She cares for everyone at home including our house help. She never misses to go out for grocery, takes care of the billing statements, receipts, as well as cooking food. We try to visit your grave every now and then and try our bests to beautify it.

I remember when you tried to talk me out of my tree, that time I acted unbothered. I wasn’t ready to leave my comfort zone. But now there’s really no choice left but to face problems head on.

[langhiyangloveyan]

ma, you’ve been in pain for a long time you’ve been troubled by medications you’ve been bothered for the out-of-stock medicines you’ve been bugged by other people asking for what happened to you but, you’ve stayed strong you’ve stayed very understanding you’ve been very patient you’ve stayed lucid now, i hope you still watch over us i hope you avoid us from leading a bad life i hope you spend eternity happily i hope you rest in peace

[langhiyangloveyan]

we tried and succeeded

It’s been a while, and yes, we tried and succeeded...

last post was about how i yearned for your attention and your loving. today it will all be for how lucky i am to have foreseen this future

we’ve been together for fourteen months now and we’ve already had tons of ups and downs in this relationship. and not following the SOP of relationships helped a lot in ours. people always say that both should be taking care of each other, compromise and that overthinking causes problems in a relationship. but in ours, its partly different but in a positive way. not all the time we can tend to the other persons needs especially in our case that we’re working together/ not every time we meet in the middle just so we do the compromising doodoo

thank you for taking care of me when my mom passed away, you were always there. not just to tend to my needs, but also to keep me sane. you took care of almost everything. your patience was outstanding, considering my mood and attitude that was so poor that time. you were basically my light on my darkest hours

compromise was not always met, but you’ve always led the way. i took every fight seriously, but my realizations after every fight has always been an eye-opener. you were always right no questions asked, i just hated losing that’s why

overthinking may be a very sensitive topic right now due to the most recent conversations we had about marriage, but love, you know i have plans for us and those plans ain’t just for show. i want us to have a good life, travel around the country and/or the world in the near future, have stable jobs that wouldn’t force us to debts someday, i don’t want an unhappy fate to befall us. all i can say right now is just trust the process and don’t be fooled and blinded by the opinion of others

i appreciate everything you did and do, but maybe i’m just not that expressive. thank you for all the loving, caring and the unlimited hugs and kisses. i love you kre

[langhiyangloveyan]

here we go again

[langhiyangloveyan]

me clicking "no" when an app asks if I enjoy it despite me using the app every day

[langhiyangloveyan]

maybe you dunno how invested i am or how in love i am with you. but i uh really hope you can see it in my actions, not just in texts, chats or calls. idk. maybe i’m not that good in expressing. idk never knew i was capable of falling this hard aaaaa ulaaaawww, so deeply, so fully and so loudly. can’t thank you enough for making me realize how capable i am. right now, no one else would understand why i ignore people in the morning. or how ugly i look like when i sleep. how completely complex of a hooman i am. no one else would understand the little things i do when i wanna be alone. and no one else deserves that spot you have right now.

[langhiyangloveyan]

tonight i’m missing you in ways i didn’t knew i could. i’ve been so used to sleeping with you next to me. sometimes when were not together, i stay up at night pondering what lesson the universe is trying to show me. why has it given me someone who made my soul feel so contented, but at the same time, so cautious? i know asking why ain’t fair because i should just be grateful. grateful for the long conversations we had. the long rides we do every now and then, the hugs and the kisses we shared, and for experiencing your love. dududu but sometimes i get scared. it’s scary when i’m not able to hold you or be held by you on the days i’m barely making it through. it’s scary when i just wanna hold your face and feel your warmth, but can’t do so. it’s scary to miss someone so much. i don’t wanna lose you. but at the same time, im this odd pangit-ka-bonding guy who has mood-swings worse than girls on their period. but then again i wanna make lambing with you to win you back after a tampotampo season. YES i’m marupok and confusing like that, but y’know what? we must’ve been past lovers because the way you know me when i barely know myself gives me the security every man wants in a mind boggling shaky relationship we have. the way you shield me from my self sabotaging ways gives me so much hope on us. you see me with full transparency without any judgement *idk maybe a bit lol* thanks love. i think that’s the most reassuring prize i could ever win. (as usual bobo na kaayo paminawon akong english, taas man gud. hagooo)

i like the person i’m am now, now that i’m with you waychar. the person who appreciates everything and nothing all at once. you ignite this fire inside of me *ewwww sounds so cheesy* that i didn’t knew existed. we share unspoken thoughts even from miles away *that time you were in davao and yday when you were with your friends* your words wrap me tenderly when i’m crumbling inside. your smile radiates  the affirmation that even from there, you’re here. (wordplay is the way! lol) thank you for arriving when you did because this new chapter with you is one i don’t wanna squander. i can’t wait to be able to clench your strapping hands while my arms bundle you in. the aroma of your neck making me uhhh disintegrate(?) into you as your lips greet mine with fondness. i’m excited to see the twinkle in your eyes while you share your childhood tales.

i yearn for you and there’s not a single day i don’t desire you. i hope you meant when you said “let’s try”. hope we can see this through and make it work.

[langhiyangloveyan]

i'm tired of waiting, i want you now

[langhiyangloveyan]

A conversation about how you feel is not supposed to end in an argument.

[langhiyangloveyan]

random stuff.

you're very attractive, therefore i won't bother spending some of my bitty time every morning to gaze at you from afar. i dont intend for you to notice me

this ain't for kilig purposes, it has a dreadful cause; to always remind myself how hard it would be if this thing we have rn falls apart

seeing you from a distance makes me wanna snuggle you, but also scares the bejesus out of me

what if this is what the future brings? what if tomorrow i'll be standing from here instead of talking to you upfront?

it makes me think if we're really in love, or was it just the teasing that led us to this

everything escalated quickly but i took it headon, no excuses, with crystal clear transparency and no doubts at all

overthinking sucks.

but, was it really mutual? am i getting ahead of myself again? was i over confident that you felt the same? these thoughts bothers me every single day

there's a lot of people in life who left, its terrifying that i might break underneath all the weight

even as my skies grew dimmer bc of it, i tried to outgrow all the horrors

i want us to be good for each other

i love you too much for anything else

[langhiyangloveyan]

it’s not good to live in the past. we probably learned some things from the way we behaved in our past relationships. perhaps we were too clingy or didn’t focus on our relationship enough. maybe we were too jealous or took them for granted. whatever it was, we can learn from it so we won’t carry the same baggage into this relationship

[langhiyangloveyan]

Boundaries will be crossed, nothing will be the same.

[langhiyangloveyan]

[langhiyangloveyan]

[langhiyangloveyan]

Reblog and follow please!