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Tanisha Always On Beat LOL

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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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When you and your boyfriend have things in common #bae #comingout #whatsnottolove

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Every music video in the early 2000's 😂

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This is amazing.

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If a girl ever called me daddy I would probably call her actual father and cuss him out asking how many soccer games he missed because your girl is doing some creepy shit right now. “She’s asking me to be you sir, she wants me to fuck her but be you when I’m fucking her, look I don’t know what you did but you gotta come down here and take a look at this”

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okay but things that are tragically funny in High School Musical 2:

Troy Bolton being weird and passive-aggressive because he thinks his gay classmate, Ryan, is trying to steal his girlfriend 

Ryan not picking up on this heterosexual bullshit and being genuinely baffled when his polite small talk doesn’t get the expected reaction

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Signs as Plants

Aries ; venus fly trap. looks sweet but bites.

Taurus ; wildflowers. will spread and bring beauty even if a block of cement is in their way.

Gemini ; aspen forests. they feel like everyone’s connected deep down.

Cancer ; lotus. even in dark places, they find their way into the light.

Leo ; roses. all fun and games until their thorns show.

Virgo ; ferns. they don’t need a finish line to start their journey.

Libra ; daisies. they are perky and grow fast.

Scorpio ; poison ivy. once you touch them, theres no going back.

Sagittarius ; cactus. they hurt very much, but with the right amount of nurturing they make one of the most beautiful things.

Capricorn ; oak trees. old and wise and caring, but sometimes get too much attention.

Aquarius ; sunflowers. hold their head up high and always look at the “bright” side.

Pisces ; lavender. soothing, light but always manages to be strong and make a change.

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Old Dude seeing me on my phone: Why don't you read the news instead of tweeting and texting.

Me: I'm actually reading an article from The Economist about Poot Lovato and the years she spent trapped in a basement. What are your thoughts on the topic?

Old Dude taken aback: I don't know.

Me: Well then why don't you read the news instead of chastising teenagers on their phones?

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netflix is down right now so we’re safe from the “netflix and chill” for a few hours

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Rich dad discipline

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