lamiictal

[lamiictal]

in all seriousness it's very alienating knowing theres Something Wrong With You. like seeing your mental illness come through in your behaviour and thought processes and knowing it's irrational and unhealthy, knowing other people are reading you as weird or stupid, and not being able to do anything about it is such a lonely experience

[lamiictal]

It took a lot for me to mature enough to accept a lot of the time you just don’t get closure like ill never understand why certain things happened or ever receive an apology or talk to certain people again or know the answers to questions I can’t ask and people die or leave or drift away sometimes and there’s no answer. and this is actually starting to sound like some doomer shit but im not joking when i say it actually became way easier to move on with my life when I accepted sometimes things will just be left wrong and can’t be made right and there’s no point in wasting any more of my time on it

[lamiictal]

ping ponging back and forth between seeing immense beauty everywhere and feeling deeply like i am in hell

[lamiictal]

[lamiictal]

it's been over a year since she died and the relief hasn't diminished at all, but i've been forced to confront just how poorly i was treated and how much pain she set me up to experience from other people. it's as if every time i think i've stopped being angry, i discover another reservoir of rage and grief. i wish i could put it down for a while. but the problem is that it's entirely justified and a reasonable response to my situation, and ignoring that is doing myself a disservice. as difficult as it is to allow myself to experience the full force of my emotions, the only way out is through, so to speak

my mother, who was my first and worst abuser, died back in november. even now, most of what i feel is liberated and more than that, relieved. she was a horrible person and sucked my whole family into a black hole of misery. i've been back in contact with some of them recently (long story short, my mother left behind a bit of a mess financially that directly involves me lol) and it's like a thick and horrible fog has been lifted. i'm being extremely cautious and i'm still angry. i resent that it feels like i've been thrust back into contact without being ready for it. i know my reservations are justified and i won't compromise that for anything. but i can't help but feel significantly less burdened by it all. i hadn't spoken to my mother in years but i guess she was still looming over my shoulder in a sense. i suppose what i've come here to say is, it's just really nice to feel so much lighter

[lamiictal]

it's actually not good to hate yourself. like, just, in a very direct manner. there's literally no benefit to hating yourself, to anyone in the entire world. it is a unilaterally negative and detrimental thing. like who does that benefit? you? your friends? there's no reason to hate yourself. and if your enemies want you to hate yourself, do you want to let them win? by god, girl, go forth and believe you are hot shit, if only to spite the people who would seek your downfall.

[lamiictal]

If you see a post talking about problems related to a behavior you do (or problems related to not doing something) and your first and only reaction is to rant about how the post is insensitive to your very specific circumstances which make changing your behavior impossible, consider:

Not everything is about you and this might just be one of those things.

That is also the reaction of every person in the history of humanity who simply didn't want to change their behavior. Everyone has extenuating circumstances. The worst person you know has internally compelling reasons for their behavior. The challenges that you personally experience will always feel like a reasonable excuse for your behavior because they're the things you personally are experiencing. The consequences of some behaviors are mild enough that extenuating circumstances can excuse them (see #1). The consequences of others are bad enough that it is necessary, if one wants to live a decent life in this world, that you figure out a way to change regardless. It is your personal responsibility to figure out the difference between these and take the appropriate actions. Here's a hint: the more emotionally attached you are to your excuse, the more likely it is that it's excusing a behavior that needs to change.

Insisting that OP needs to provide explicit instructions for how to start or stop the behavior for someone in your very specific circumstances is unreasonable and probably annoying.

[lamiictal]

Having ADHD is so fun because sometimes youre looking for something that you use regularly and definitely put away in a smart and reasonable place and you have absolutely 0 hope of remembering where and finding it. And then other times ur like "hmm I need a some kind of small pointed object. I feel like i remember seeing a paperclip under the left couch cushion a month ago, i wonder if its still there" and it is

[lamiictal]

the problem with "I need to criticise myself to prepare for other people criticising me" is that it fails to account for the possibilities that a) nobody will criticise you, or b) the people who do criticise you are not people you value the opinions of anyway. I know it feels like a good defence mechanism, but at the end of the day there is a high chance that you're just being mean to yourself for no reason. consider this

[lamiictal]

“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.

[lamiictal]

Honestly it boils down to reparenting yourself & rewiring your own neuronal pathways & telling yourself a firm “stop” when you notice your mind slipping down negative loopholes & being present in the moment & enjoying being mid task rather than waiting for it to end & not thinking of inertia as your baseline and natural way of living

[lamiictal]

Therapy is risky because sometimes they'll just ask you their standard "why can't you, though", and you think you're making some good point by saying something like "well if I don't do anything with my life then what's the point of being alive in the first place" and your therapist gets that look on their face and you immediately realise that your dumb ass just got caught, pinned to the ground with your stupid-ass neck between the spikes of a pitchfork, and you are not going to wiggle out of there before you two unpack what the fuck you just said.

[lamiictal]

(through gritted teeth) sometimes what's good for your mental health isn't another do nothing day or a little treat sometimes what's good for you is putting in some of the work. Not all of it at once but sometimes you have to finish that essay or at least take the next step or you have to clean your room or at least dust the shelves or you gotta do the laundry or at least put it all in the hamper and it's not fun and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks but you have to because i read a post on the internet that told me that's what being nice to yourself is sometimes

[lamiictal]

[lamiictal]

"disability only exists because the world isnt accessible" idk how to tell you this but chronic pain still hurts

[lamiictal]

as soon as the disorders stop disordering and the disability stops debilitating I will be so unstoppable powerful forever

[lamiictal]

anybody else in here feel like they're constantly and involuntarily calculating their every thought and action. and doing it wrong