lamentinghare

[lamentinghare]

These were my four cousins who were killed in 2006 by their father in a murder/suicide. Their names are Aubree, Jacob, Alyssa and Taylor. I have some good memories of spending time with them and they were like my siblings before my brothers grew up. I miss them still to this day. I wish they didn't have to leave so early. I'm sure I'll see them again someday.

[lamentinghare]

This is the room I was molested in and then eventually raped in by my great grandmother at the ages of 10-12. And then forced to live in after she moved out.

*I had to get this image from a video I have because there are no photos of this room online*

[lamentinghare]

I'm going to let my story be known here in hopes I find others who relate to it and hopefully help other people see that there is hope after the storm:

My life was somewhat okay up until around the age of 8. This is where my childhood trauma really begins. It was 2006, my family and I were visiting with our cousins out at my grandparents ranch in California for the 4th of July season. We had to celebrate the holiday a little earlier than usual but all in all, we had a good time. As the week went on, we learned that on the night of the 4th, my cousins' father, who had gotten into a major argument with my aunt, had lost his mind due to his Schizophrenia and Drinking, decided to get his rifle and shoot my four cousins in the head as they slept and then went to the kitchen with his shotgun and killed himself near the entryway to their home. My aunt, not knowing what happened, returned home at a later time to discover what he had done. As tragic as this is, I fortunately was not there to witness it, however, my family, mostly my mother, had taken this event and used it as an excuse for a slew of mental health problems and trauma that we didn't genuinely have. She didn't allow me to grieve in a healthy way, instead, my family became more negative.

We had moved to Washington State in 2005, as my Dad had a new job working as an Electrician for some reputable company. We first lived in Issaquah. Life there was okay but being the new kid in town and going through what I was going through, I was deep in grief and at that time some sort of depression. This made it easy for the kids around me to pick on me and cause me to get in trouble more easily because of how I reacted. During this time or thereabouts , my great grandmother had moved up to Washington as well to live in a home not too far from us. I have memories of going over to the trailer she lived in at that time and how things were for me then. At that time, she was okay to be around, but we will get back to her later in the story.

Life in Issaquah was typical, there were good days and bad days, but in that time my parents both became more emotionally charged and had difficulty dealing with my brothers and I because of how energetic and raucous we were then. At this point, my mom in particular became more verbally abusive, yelling all the time to get us to do things, while my father was working more and more, so that did put a strain on her, but still wasn't a great way to parent.

We eventually moved into a home in Bothell, WA in 2008. It is a real place that is easy to look up even, 532 198th St. SE. This is the home I was abused in. It will never leave my mind. The number 532 is engraved into my memory and still follows me to this day.

I will start out by stating that if you have made it this far into the story, thank you for being here with me in this place. I will now talk about what happened to me during this time between 2008-2010.

We moved into the home and took some time getting adjusted to finally being in a home after living in apartments for a bit. It was at this time that my parents had become distant from us kids and my mom in particular having her own issues with her mental and physical health and my dad pretty much being emotionally and physically distant as well with his own issues too. My two younger brothers were young and wild and didn't have any control over their own emotions and actions. I was the only one in the home that had some sense of structure and reality. My great grandmother had also moved in with us as well because she apparently had no where else to live, but it is important to know as well, she was sinking deeper into her dementia and whatever other mental and physical health issues she had too. This all plays into what the atmosphere was like in the home and how everyone treated eachother during this time and how I was abused too.

I can't truly remember what sparked the abuse towards me in particular nor which event happened first but to make things easier I'm just going to list everything that happened to me between my mom, great grandmother, and out of the home as well:

I was forced to pick up everyone's trash and clothes (mom)

I was forced to clean up everyone's dirty dishes and how clean off how moldy they were (mom)

I was beaten with a belt, mouth washed out with soap, or forced to stay in my room with nothing but a blanket and pillow as forms of punishment for things I never did (mom)

I was also forced to write sentences about not doing certain things ever again (mom)

I was forced at some points to eat moldy food to learn not to waste food ever again (mom)

I had my faced rubbed in dog feces at some points as punishment (mom)

I was called on several occasions "my little slave" by my mom in public as a "joke" (mom)

I was verbally and emotionally abused by my mom in order to fo things that I didn't want to do and followed along with it so I wouldn't get harmed (mom)

At one point the door to my room had been removed so I couldn't have any privacy (mom)

There were occasions where she would slap me in the face for lying or talking back to her (mom)

There were times when I was forced to do things physically that were difficult for me to do as a little kid, putting me in harms way of injury (mom)

This was also the time when my mom had started making me and my brothers get onto medications for issues we really didn't have but was more due to our environment and her (mom)

Also, pornography and anything sexual was accepted in the household, me finding my parents porn and sex toys easily (mom)

My great grandmother began molesting me by treating me as her dead husband, my dead great grandfather who I never met because he died before I was born (gma)

I was forced to do what a husband would do to his wife, massage her, clip her toenails, rub lotion on her, etc (gma)

My grandmother would treat me more with objects and give me more attention than the rest of my family members (gma)

There were multiple occasions where I was forced to use my hands and arms to unclog her toilet downstairs (gma)

She would kiss me on the lips more instead on the cheek, which on the cheek would be more appropriate (gma)

Then one night, I awoke to saliva and cum all over my genitals and knew that she had raped me in the night as I slept (gma)

I was bullied physically and emotionally by school bullies in middle school (public)

I was bullied at the church we went to the next town over by similar bullies, emotionally and physically (public)

I was treated poorly by school staff and teachers about being bullied and didn't want to go to school as much because of it (public)

I am sure there is more to add but this covers alot of bases as far as what happened to me. Now it's time for me to be honest about what happened next. Given that I was only 10-12 when this all happened and under an extreme amount of stress and in survival mode, there was no avenue of escape that seemed plausible, until one day when my brothers started being abused by me sexually as a result of me being abused by my mom, grandmother and public bullies.

I can't recall what started the abuse between my brothers and I but I do know that it happened after my grandmother was removed from the home. Some people will see this and think that I am in the wrong for harming my brothers, but experiencing something and just reading about it are two vastly different things.

Anyways, after all of this happened for about a year or so, my brothers eventually came forward and told my parents about what happened between them and I and I was then put into the legal system as a Juvenile SO and made to register at 12 years old. This was extremely difficult for me and for my family but honestly should never have happened to begin with but it did anyway.

I was then required by law to attend a specialized therapist to help me through my trauma and sexual stuff. I was somehow allowed back into the home after everything happened but under strict supervision by my parents and eventually into two different households.

Things weren't perfect but there was some progress being made but unfortunately in the summer of 2012, my dad had gotten a new job over in East Wenatchee, WA and we all had to move back in with eachother, which wasn't wise, but there was no other way around it.

Of course, you can probably see where this is going to go but I will say that, I wasn't getting the help I needed from the therapist there, the household had become negative again, and we all fell back into our old ways and habits. Unfortunately, that also meant the abuse between my brothers and I had also started again. This went on until about April of 2012, when after realizing that I wasn't getting the help I needed, being abused by my mom in more ways than one and not having a way to actually live my life, I went into their room, told both of my parents what had happened and that sparked another long and chaotic time for me but eventually got me out of that environment for good.

I was put through the system there and was placed in a juvenile detention center over near Spokane, WA for 45 days until my release on May 29th, 2013, to where after immediately returning home to gather my belongings was being driven back over the state to Belfair, WA to live with my estranged cousin and my unknown great uncle at that time.

The first couple of years were rough just because of trying to adjust and work through my trauma but eventually, I got through my state mandated therapy, graduated high school and began to work in construction for a bit.

It wasn't until Covid happened that I actually started to explore who I really am and actually work on me as an individual rather that what the State saw me as.

It has been a long and arduous journey so far but I now am in my third year of college studying to become an environmental scientist with a specialty in mycology, I came out as transfeminine in 2021, I no longer have a record nor have to register, and am continuing to live my life the best I know how while continuing to reshape my inner narrative and work through my trauma.

I hope my story helps you see that there is hope through the storm and that no matter what happens, you too can get through things, as I have gotten through things.