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The past few months seem like they are just a really bad nightmare and that I just want to wake up from it. It's fake, it isn't real. If I tell myself that, I can block it out. I keep hoping and praying but I just want to die. Maybe I'm just having a manic episode. All I know is that lately I can't go through the day without it coming into my head and making me want to die to avoid conflict. I just want everything to be okay. I try to keep positive and I try to tell myself it's not real. That I'll move on and eventually it'll be out of my mind. I wish I want me. I wish I could just erase who I am. I wish I could erase the past few years so I could have just killed myself before I couldn't.
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So I was reading a post about terrible teachers and school and it ended up bringing a lot of painful memories back. I hated school, people were cruel, teachers were cruel, and nobody seriously gave a shit about me. I was the weird kid, the outsider. Nobody knew what I dealt with at home and school and then later work. God. Looking back, it really is no wonder why I have severe issues now and why I am the toxic mess constantly in survival mode today. I've pretty much blocked out a majority of my life aside from the last few years and even then stuff comes back to me now. Or how pieces will suddenly come back to me while I'm doing things and it sends me into fight or flight mode. I didn't have a parent to send me to school with lunch money. The anxiety of lunchtime because it's embarrassing to explain that I couldn't afford it. Guess who has a food Addiction? It was face the shame or go on an empty stomach. Or why I always came to school a mess. I didn't have someone to brush my hair and buy me nice clothes or make sure I was presentable. My great grandmother literally didn't have a brush. My mother was busy working her ass off at a furniture plant and dealing with her own depression and abuse. There was no time to teach me important life lessons. I had to fend for myself. Social interaction outside of school? I lived in the middle of nowhere with 0 kids. Guess what happens when you go to school and you're the unkempt mess? Kids are gonna make fun of you, not befriend you. Sixth grade? I remember you making fun of my weight and telling people I'd break your Christmas tree and floor. The kids laughed, while I went home and wanted to kill myself. My ADD was made fun of by teachers and nobody would help me. I remember when you moved me to the back when I told you I couldn't see. My grades suffered. When you got angry and threw a printer at me? When you yelled at me for sleeping during an important test? I was working at a place who made me work off the clock as a minor until 3am and then go to school to pay for future college and bills. Not being able to have heat and warming myself with an oven on those frozen nights in winter. I was fat because the only food I got was cheap shitty empty calories so I didn't starve to death. I Remember you yelling at me when a boy punched me in the stomach. The rape and molestation I was forced to choke back and hide to save face of our family. The nights of waking up as a child and hearing glass shatter and screaming. I would scream for the beating to stop but nobody heard. The terror and anxiety I have around older men. I remember in English class we talked about marriage and I always said I'd never get married. It wasn't just because I thought I'd never find someone, it was because I never planned on making it to adulthood. I want the teachers who made fun of me and made my life miserable to know. Kids can be shitty, but the adults? You know better. I'm so bitter and angry that I've had to carry it with me for so long. So you ask why I fight everything. You ask why I fight ever battle. Because that little girl needed someone and nobody was there.
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I know "forever" is asking too much But what if this moment is all that we've got What if the morning will leave us so frail Leave us alone to face another day I'm trying so hard but it's never enough You try to stay strong but the things can get tough We used to say "That will never be us" Now "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust" Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... When you've hoisted your canvass and you're ready to sail I wanna tell you please don't think that you've failed If your ship is too small and there is room for just one I will stay on the shore so you can move on Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... I'm standing on the shore of my emotions Waiting for the water to rise and touch my soul And every forsaken night All I wanted was to be right by your side But you did not hear me For I never spoke aloud my mind I never cried Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... I'm standing on the shore... Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me
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I know "forever" is asking too much But what if this moment is all that we've got What if the morning will leave us so frail Leave us alone to face another day I'm trying so hard but it's never enough You try to stay strong but the things can get tough We used to say "That will never be us" Now "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust" Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... When you've hoisted your canvass and you're ready to sail I wanna tell you please don't think that you've failed If your ship is too small and there is room for just one I will stay on the shore so you can move on Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... I'm standing on the shore of my emotions Waiting for the water to rise and touch my soul And every forsaken night All I wanted was to be right by your side But you did not hear me For I never spoke aloud my mind I never cried Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me But if I'm too much or I'm not enough... I'm standing on the shore... Anything you want, everything you need You can find it all in me
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Order of the Lotus Taliyah by Steve Zheng
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If I was a good person and loved who I was supposed to and only them, I wouldn't be in this situation
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It doesn't matter if something kills me so long as you are happy
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It's so hilarious how people pretend America is like the best country ever and you can never criticize it. Sure, we don't get bombs dropped on is, I guess that's a plus. But boasting to be the best when you can't get something simple as healthcare figured out? Literally every first world country and even some developing nation's have this shit fixed. It's not that complicated. Obviously it's never gonna be a perfect system. But healthcare funded by all people for all people, is not rocket science. Why can everyone else get their collective shit together but we, the supposed best country can't? Illness will hit everyone at some point of your life. And if it doesn't hit you by chance, it will hit your family. A true LEADER would observe each successful and happy country, determine what policies they use and is working well, and ADOPT the closest ones with a high success rate into our government. It's literally handed to you on a platter. As in you don't even technically have to experiment on your own government when other people are producing the results and information for you. But this is what you all wanted so this is what you get. A lot of millennials are so desperate for people to do the right thing, and our future is so dark, that some of us have no will to live. We simply have no energy to keep up. We have the knowledge of the world at the tips of our fingers, but instead of feeling joy and excitement, it's just despair. It's despair because we are just educated and aware enough to know that we are powerless until older generations die off. And having the technology to be aware of what goes on in the world? We see innocent civilians and children die as a result of our actions. Their crime? Simply being born in the wrong part of the world, but somehow their life means less than dirt. I bring this point up because apparently people are either blind or do not care. Are the big tough baddies who support american invasion of the middle East aware of what actually happens? It's easy to press the button, when you have no connection to who you kill, it dehumanizes them, makes it easier. How many of you advocating for this are willing to sit and watch the reality of it? I feel like people would be less likely to pull the trigger if they had to watch parents pull the bodies of their children out of the rubble. Or watch a grown man hold his brother as he takes his last breath? Feel and experience the emotions and sadness and rage from it? Could you still support what we do if you put yourself into their shoes? I feel like people should be forced to see this, to understand the implications of their actions. Let's see how many nights of sleep people get knowing it's their fault. See the faces that have a name, and a family. Scenario: America botches an attack and kills 300 innocent. Imagine each of these are divided into families. And that these people are the remaining ones who have to live with their family members murdered. This literally keeps giving ISIS manpower because you have already pushed these people into desperation and left then with nothing, but anger and hate for you. The more people you kill, the more people will rise and fight you. I am no means a supporter of these people, only pointing out that we are throwing gas on the fire. And the time we come in power, it'll be too late for us to repair the damage. We can't bring these people back to life. We can't unsew the seeds of hatred and the ideology. We can't undo the damage to earth. We, cannot fix it after a certain turning point. The experience and complex joys of our life, it's over, our prime has come and gone, much like the needless suffering of the peoples lives that are destroyed. Or not wanting to bring children into a world where the future is so uncertain and chaotic. You say kids are entitled, that our schools give us easy work, that we are lazy, rude, etc. We are special snowflakes who are fragile and need safe space. Do you know what it's like growing up with people telling you that hard work will ensure a future, so long as you out effort in? And watching your grandpa, who is a good man, a Christian, one of the most selfless individuals who has lived a life of suffering, work to the bone until he is barely living, and the fucking insurance companies won't even give him oxygen for his one lung working at 25%? And watching your grandma work from a kid until she dies because the government screwed her on retirement? But I guess they dont deserve it because apparently they didn't work hard enough. Isn't that the new upper class logic, that poor people just don't work hard enough. That you can survive as long as you pull yourselves up by the bootstraps. People talk a ton of shit about terrorists, Muslims, Mexicans taking jobs and hurting Americans. You know what hurts Americans? Not giving everyone equal healthcare. Not investing in social programs. Do you know how many people die from preventable diseases, or lack of insurance in this country? More than any terrorist attack combined. There are plenty of people who wouldn't be on disability or a strain on the system, had they not been barred from seeking early treatment. The biggest threat to an American isn't foreign, it's domestic. It's a government that lets it's people die. It's a government that tolerates jacking up a lifesaving $15 EpiPen in the name of CAPITALISM. It's a government that is systematically designed to keep poor people trapped below and fighting each other to avoid escaping. And each week it's them distracting with another thing. Did it ever occur to you that we have empathy? That we care more for human life than any prior generation. That we understand that we only have one visible life that we can't ever get back? That we don't take "Collateral damage is just an acceptable side product of war"? Those answers may have been good to the generations who didn't have access to the knowledge we have, but that's not the case anymore. There are other people who deserved to live more than me. And yet they were the ones taken. I have done nothing to contribute to the world.
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It's so sexually frustrating to want sexual attention from a partner that doesn't feel like it. It's also easy to let it weigh on your insecurities as if you are a last minute fuck for when they really want a real vagina and nothing more. So agitated. To just not go fuck other people who will give me attention. When I'm potentially doing stuff with some else it's a bad thing and I shouldn't because they don't want me to so I stop. But I guess time and being in the mood is the only thing stopping it. I guess another girl will give you the free time and effort when YOU are in the mood. Then having time isn't an issue. I want sex more than a new girl and that isn't guaranteed. Especially with how it's not happening now. I guess if you don't have time with me I don't have to worry about you fucking someone else because you don't have time. I'm so fucking angry. That's why this won't work. Satisfy your first before tossing another into the mix. If you don't want me to feel second best, don't do things that make me feel second best. And for fucks sake if I say I'm going to go do it myself don't ask me why I go upstairs unless it's for you to join in. That's what really fucking ticks me off. Oh why are you going upstairs? Maybe because you probably don't want to see it. And then you say it's a little weird if your eating a sandwich and someone is getting off. Then why the fuck did you question why I was going up stairs. You literally ask me why and then tell me why I shouldn't. You don't wanna help but you don't want me to. Make up your mind. Don't give me a glimmer of hope that you are interested only to tell me why it's weird for me to stay. Makes no fucking sense.
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Everything I fucking do for you and you can't even tell me good night I love you. Fucking kill yourself. I'm so goddamn mad I want to break things.
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