la-la-lost-you

[la-la-lost-you]

pain doesn’t come and go. it stays.

you know, at first i thought pain would really just come and go. time heals, they said. but i beg to differ. i’ve been trying to stay sane and positive during this whole period of quarantine, but i think i’m giving up now.

numerous assignments and deadlines can be seen on my laptop screen, but none of them come to an end (i couldn’t even make a maximum progress, lol, disappointment). somehow, i’m back on zero again, where i don’t (or more like i can’t) think of anything at all but suddenly the urge to cry comes and then i realize that i’m alone.

do i feel lonely? never. i don’t think i’ve ever felt lonely in my life. i’ve got friends, they’ve got my back, i’ve got theirs. but somehow i ended up feeling alone. or more like, i ended up feeling like i deserve to be alone, just one hopeless person getting stranded. and it’s suffocating. i feel like i don’t deserve the company everyone has given me throughout their life.

i keep thinking. what happened? who did this? did i hurt myself? did someone else leave an emotional scar that i did not realize? i seek for an explanation or at least an answer. my heart yells: find someone to blame. find someone to blame. but who do i blame? who’s responsible for my own feelings other than me? and later then i realize that i invalidate my own feelings more than anyone else ever did.

they have their priorities, it’s okay. it’s probably never their intention to hurt me. i think people make mistakes and that’s normal. i’m sorry that i wasn’t enough, i will grow to be better.

people would say that oh, that’s very wise of you or you are such a kind soul. but no, it’s torturing me. for many times i wish i could be cruel, for once i wish that i would let myself to be heartless and inflict pain to others on purpose but no. and it’s exhausting. it’s exhausting how i seem to keep giving and giving to others but i don’t think i’ve ever given something or anything at all to myself.

and now i write this while i’m crying and dear God, if you exist, if you’re out there, if you’re even listening, stop the pain. stop the tears. stop the noises. stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, just make this stop, please.

[la-la-lost-you]

Tak apa. Menangislah. Tangis ada bukan untuk ditahan. Yang menangis bukan berarti lemah, yang menangis memang hanya merasa lelah. Tapi tak apa. Menangis bukan menandakan kelemahan, justru bukti bahwa kamu masih memiliki perasaan.

Arief Aumar Purwanto (via sajaksesak)

[la-la-lost-you]

You stopped saying goodnight, and I stopped sleeping.

(via arrapriliaa)

[la-la-lost-you]

Waktu aku menangis didepanmu. Percayalah, itu adalah tangisan kekecewaan. Derai air mata yang menjelma sebagai sungai tanpa muara. Menandakan bahwa hatiku telah terluka sedalam-dalamnya. Waktu aku menangis didepanmu. Percayalah. Aku sempat membencimu. Tapi tak berani meninggalkanmu.

Arief Aumar Purwanto (via sajaksesak)

[la-la-lost-you]

Kamu pantas mendapatkan seseorang yang sudah yakin denganmu. Tanpa perlu bertanya-tanya lagi mengenai siapa dirimu di matanya.

You deserve that kind of person. // A. W.

Bandung, 16 Januari 2018.

(via surat-pendek)

[la-la-lost-you]

Jika ini tentang seberapa, maka aku mencintaimu secukupnya saja. Namun jika ini tentang bagaimana, maka aku mencintaimu sebaik-baiknya.

— Taufik Aulia

[la-la-lost-you]

Orang yang telah lama bersama kita. Tak menjamin akan selalu ada.

Perpisahan akan merubah segalanya: luka, duka serta hati yang menganga akan menjadi bukti bahwa semesta senang membolak-balikan cerita.

Arief Aumar Purwanto

[la-la-lost-you]

Sesekali, aku pun ingin egois. Sebab menahan luka, membuatku hilang kendali akan tangis. Sesekali, aku pun ingin marah. Sebab menahan lelah, membuat lebamku makin memerah. Sesekali aku ingin kamu mengerti. Bahwa aku juga manusia. Luka tak mungkin bisa aku lawan semua. Aku pun butuh kamu, sebagai sosok yang menenangkanku kala luka tengah bertamu.

Sungguh—yang aku butuhkan hanyalah rasa pedulimu.

—Arief Aumar Purwanto

(via sajaksesak)

[la-la-lost-you]

You said I was your world.

The tea has turned cold. We left an empty space between us. Her legs were curled up, and I couldn’t stop looking down at the floor. Did we see this coming? Did she see this coming?

Mars and I haven’t been on our best condition these days. She stopped texting, and I stopped waiting. She used to greet me with a smile every morning, now, when she wakes up, it’s only the smiley emoji I sent through our messaging app that she would wake up to.

Was it me? Did I bring her down? When did it start? Was it when I accepted the job offer? Or was it earlier, when I mentioned my dream to her? Or was it her? Did she finally choose to be selfish? Has she decided to at least put herself first even when it could be risky for us? Where did we go wrong, honestly? I don’t even know.

“You know you can just take the job and make things less complicated.” She started the conversation.

I looked at her; her eyes mirror the sadness within her. She used to have the whole galaxy in those brown eyes.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You already did, Adam.”

I tried to lessen our distance by shifting my position, but she immediately glanced at me. I could tell from her stare that she doesn’t even want me closer anymore.

“I’m sorry, Mars.” I said, almost pathetic, “I wished you could understand that this was everything that I’ve ever wanted. That this was my chance.”

She shook her head, tears are slowly rolling down her cheeks, “I’ve always been suppportive at whatever you do; whatever you did, and whatever you dream of doing. When you first mentioned about this, did I even bother to stop you? No.” She argued, her voice started to become a little shaky.

I have no idea what to say. She was right, after all. So, why do we have to fight about this? Why are we in a difficult situation again? Why are we not understanding each other? Have we changed?

“This meant the world to me, Mars.” My ego took over myself and I said that, while looking at her right in her eyes.

“You said I was your world!”

[la-la-lost-you]

God was jealous.

“I created you!” The whole heaven could hear the anger through his words. Sure, He was the almighty, he was the only perfection universe had in His whole lifetime.

Hands being held, fingers intertwined and laughs were shared. How could they? He thought. After all He gave, after all He made, after everything; how could humans don’t remember Him?

At first it was statues of Him; Him being born until Him being brought back to heaven. Then humans start to create multiple stuff; beauty, wine, one dare to call it expression of happiness.

What do they even know about happiness?

So with one finger, he dipped his index finger to the Earth. At one moment, the laughter turns into screams, hands and fingers are no longer connected; their fingers start to point at one another.

Oh so you think I’m the selfish one?

Do you even love me anymore?

Why even bother with this relationship anymore?

Michael saw what the Almighty has done with his creation at that time. He wondered; Why were angels not allowed to have feelings? Why did He let Satan rule Hell instead of living here? Why was Adam created in the first place?

God has feelings, Michael concluded. God was jealous of humans loving one another more than they should have loved Him. So, instead of love, God gave humans pain; a pain that leaves emotional scars on each of their soul.

[la-la-lost-you]

Desember

Sayang, maafkan aku,

Beberapa sifatku mungkin kerap memaksamu masuk dalam ketidaknyamanan, tentang kecemburuan dan rasa tak nyaman, mungkin akan lebih baik jika kita menganggapnya sebagai resiko dari sebuah perkenalan, alih-alih pertemuan dan kebahagiaan, justru kita harus terperangkap dalam jangkauan yang tak karuan jauhnya.

Untuk salahku,

Semoga masih tersisa banyak sekali toleransi dan ikhlas demi menerima segala apa-apa kekuranganku, aku tau beberapa sifatku perlahan mulai membuka, mulai menunjukan wajah aslinya, aku tau kamu mulai mengenalku perlahan, dengan baik dan burukku, akupun tak memaksakan hati yang tak pernah bisa mengalah, hanya saja, aku yang sudah terlanjur nyaman denganmu, mempunyai hati yang bersi-kukuh mempertahankanmu.

Untuk kesabaranmu,

Aku selalu ingin berterima kasih sebanyak yang aku mampu, kamu telah menjadi seseorang paling tersabar saat menghadapiku, aku tak menuntut apapun selama kamu mau menerima kekuranganku, aku tak menyesalkan apapun selama kamu mau menunggu dan membersamai langkahku, aku benar-benar nyaman denganmu.

Untuk kita,

Kelak, aku harap masih ada banyak waktu yang dapat kita lewati berdua, semoga masih ada hari dimana kita bisa saling sapa di pertemuan berikutnya, lalu mengunci hati dengan saling ingin menua bersama.

"Aku harap kita, bisa lebih dewasa dalam setiap masalah yang mencoba renggangkan tawa kita, kita tau jika sebuah komunikasi adalah hal paling mendasar dari sebuah hubungan".

"Aku percaya, aku dan kamu, akan menjadi sepasang manusia dengan restu Tuhan paling sempurna di dunia".

Aku mohon, terimalah aku dengan segala kesabaran dan kerendahan hatimu, terimalah semua sifat dan kekuranganku.

Maaf, aku menjebakmu, untuk selalu menemani langkah-langkah beratku.

@badutcerdas — Awal Desember, 2019

[la-la-lost-you]

alive.

Until this very moment, I can not relate with the phrase: It makes me feel alive.

What do you consider feeling alive? Would it be the moment you go on you first trip with your close friends? Would it be the moment you finish your degree? Would it be the moment you heard your parents say we’re so proud of you? Would it be the moment you wake up on the same bed every morning? What do you think being alive means, actually?

I have yet to find the meaning of being alive actually is. Isn’t it just you, living? Breathing, eating, walking; all the stuff you do daily? Then again, how would you define living in a world like it is today?

Are you living your life even when you cry yourself to sleep every night? Are you living your life even when you have problem finishing your meal every time? Are you living your life even when you think you are wasting your time by breathing? Do we have to feel alive all the time? Do we have to live all the time? How are we supposed to live our life when we don’t even think this is a life worth living?

Then, I met some people; friends, lovers, a side of my mom I never thought she would show me. Those people, through their pain helped me to learn more about life itself; through their words and stories helped me to understand deeper about life itself.

Through the moments I was able to share with them, I have come to learn that life is not simply living; life is more than just living. Life is about surviving. Life is about learning. Life is about hurting. Life is about accepting. Life, is about being.

People, as I do, often think too much about the meaning of life actually is. And even after I write this piece, I would still wonder about the purpose and the worth of my life actually is. Feeling anxious if I’m even close to being enough to live the life I’m living. But truth is, after going multiple mental breakdowns, countless panic attacks, I concluded that you breathing, is enough. That’s the only enough everyone should be able to think of. The fact that you are alive, in a literal meaning, is enough.

Life is something complicated. One word, one sentence, or even a paragraph will never be enough to define what life actually is. There is no constant meaning behind it.

I feel like I’m straying away from my point the more I write, but that’s okay, because when you talk about life, there is so much things you can actually say about it. But I’d like to stress my point. Life doesn’t always have to be about living. You don’t have to feel ‘alive’ all the time. You don’t have to live your life 24/7 non-stop.

There will be moments in life where you feel like this is a life not worth living, or I feel empty inside, or maybe when you think that you should finally say goodbye. There will be times where you feel like the changes in life overwhelm you. But that’s okay. Each one of us has different capacity to handle those changes. Just because we’re not strong enough at that moment, doesn’t mean we can’t change. We will grow, everyone will, no exception.

So please, if you feel like you are not strong enough. Be patience, even when it’s killing you to be patience. Life changes, and so will you. Life changes, and then you bloom.

N, January 15th, 2019.

[la-la-lost-you]

I am trying to make every moment count, without throwing myself all over the place, without tearing myself apart. I am trying to make sense of the chaos inside of me, without breaking myself, without killing myself at the end of the day.

Lukas W. // Every moment  (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[la-la-lost-you]

“I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love.”

— Kuba Wojewodzki, Polish journalist and comedian

[la-la-lost-you]

❝ but surely, someone will see your thorns and be comforted;

we are each other’s nightscape, each other’s moon ❞

[la-la-lost-you]

The dawn passes and when that moon falls asleep, the blue shade that stayed with me disappears.

[la-la-lost-you]

SERENDIPITY is the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.