l0ve-infinitely

[l0ve-infinitely]

I got obsessed because I'm at the end of my relationship and for the first time in a while I talked to someone who made me feel important, they made me feel beautiful and when they got busy like A REGULAR PERSON DOES. My dumbass panicked and figured I did something I assumed I pissed them off, they hated me now, and I kept pushing and kept pushing and pushing. And now if they weren't upset before they are now. So here's to hoping they realize I really am nice I'm just anxious and a mess

[l0ve-infinitely]

I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and I probably pushed him away.

[l0ve-infinitely]

"Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright

But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind"

Harry Styles

[l0ve-infinitely]

[l0ve-infinitely]

[l0ve-infinitely]

those people who didn’t want to turn on do not disturb as a kid when they were going to bed so they told all the other kids in the groupchat to stop texting are actually still assholes now

[l0ve-infinitely]

HARRY STYLES & SHANIA TWAIN Coachella • 2022

[l0ve-infinitely]

Harry Styles Coachella (2022)

[l0ve-infinitely]

lazy days of summer by EdwinaFran

[l0ve-infinitely]

@verdantfaith 's archive <3

[l0ve-infinitely]

@freezingfaerie 's archive

[l0ve-infinitely]

I'm going to write a book. This is something I've been wanting to do and I have started half a dozen times but I am going to write a book and I will have it by sometime next month.

Write a novel month is a thing, and just because I'm not participating along with the hundreds of others when it actually happens doesn't mean I can't do it whenever I want to.

Two problems though

1. I can't afford an agent

2. I may have to self publish

[l0ve-infinitely]

I miss the memory of you, all of the good things that I clumped together into a dream. Walks that we never went on but existed in my mind, long talks we never had about trivial things like clouds and bumblebees. I miss being held, I'm not sure if that actually existed or not. I'm sure at one point it did, now all that's left is faint attempts at sexual interactions or sitting in empty silence.

You'd call me beautiful and I used to laugh because I didn't believe you but it made me smile, now when you call me beautiful I shake my head because your opinion doesn't matter.

I blamed myself because I always wondered what if but now I realize wondered what if because you never seem to be there when I need you.

In the end that is all that matters and the fact remains that when I need you, you aren't there.

[l0ve-infinitely]

It's easy to feel alone. I am constantly surrounded by family yet I am alone. I live at home, and my boyfriend has been staying with me for the past several months and I have never felt more alone. Being present every day is exhausting, especially when your presences does not matter. Whether or not I am home, whether or not I spent time with others it does not matter in the end nobody notices until they need something. I am sick of being on call. I am everyone's last choice, everyone's back up.

[l0ve-infinitely]

It's not Easy

Last week I tried to schedule a therapy/counseling session. I have always been hesitant about therapy because I have had bad experiences in the past.

I took the first step and booked an appointment, I fought every fiber in my being to not cancel.

The night before the appointment I get an email saying she never updated her availability and I would need to either meet with her in the evening or find a new therapist.

So I gave up for a while as I had made an attempt and it failed. A week later I decided to try again and I sent an email to a counselor and tried to set up and appointment. He said he has no room and encourages me to find someone else.

So I returned to the list and found a new counselor, but this counselor makes you sign an agreement that if something comes up and you have to cancel 24hrs before the session you have to pay $104. Needless to say I didn't book that appointment.

What I've learned from this experience is, you can only do so much to help yourself. I don't have endless free time to try to make these appointments and I don't have money to just give people if something comes up. Everyone says you need to want to help yourself but has anyone ever considered this... "how can you help yourself if no one is willing to help you.."

[l0ve-infinitely]

What a happy family

[l0ve-infinitely]

JAMIE DORNAN “Barb and Star Go to Vista del Mar” — 2021, dir. Josh Greenbaum