l-a-z-y-traveller

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

My First Dance Performance

Me and Dance, we don’t go hand in hand or foot in foot .. Music goes somewhere and my body.. I don’t think I goes anywhere.. though in my thoughts I am dancing like a pro. People who are not dancers usually can dance on DJ at least.. But me.. Even doing that is overwhelming. It seems like my body is much more stubborn than my brain.. My brain commands it to dance or move.. But naah.. It will not listen.. And if at times it tries.. It looks like as if a Robot is moving. You must be thinking how can someone be that bad at dancing.. And believe me I have given it a lot of thought.. And the mean reason I figured out is that because I cannot dance, I become conscious and because I become conscious I cannot even move the much I was able to before.. It’s a vicious circle :).

So to overcome by fear I decided to join Dance classes. I have been trying for quite some time but the  same fear and consciousness that I won't be able to dance in front of other people who are in the classes and most probably are good dancers(a big assumption which my fear has made me believe) always held me back from going to any one of them. But this time i gathered the courage and my best friend supported me a lot and I joined the class which a friend had also joined. She had suggested me to join the same class as it will motivate me if I am dancing with the people I already know. I took her suggestion( though I was not very sure, because I was afraid that I might become more conscious. It is sometimes easier to do things which you are afraid of doing in front of strangers than in front of people you know). But later it turned out it was a wise suggestion and definitely it helped me build my confidence.

So the journey started and I went to my first dance class, all conscious and nervous, worries that the teacher also might not take interest as my movie doesn’t move at all. The class began and I tried to cope up a lot with my fellow dancers (which no doubts were good at it), but I failed. The instructor also repeated the steps for me but it was hard for me to remember all of them at the end. I told my instructor that it’s the first time I am learning dancing and I don’t now dance at all. He just told me one thing, don't stop coming. And I didn't. :).

When I went to my best friends place and told him about my dance class, he immediately made space in his apartment and said, you can practice all you want here. I can make more space if this is less. Though I was little dis-heartened by my performance in the class earlier, but his enthusiasm gave me new strength and belief that if I practice I can do it.

Then for couple of days I wasn't able to go to the classes because of the work pressure, and when I went next month, my instructor told me that he thought I ran away after my first class. I told him, I will not run away like this. And then the classes continued and I improved as we went further(not a big improvement, but small steps).

One day after the class I got to know that there is a dance show organized by the dance productions where I was learning and that WE have to perform. I was terrified and took the assumption that I am not included in that WE since I am no way ready or in fact right person to perform in a dance show. But later I was told I am part of the group and I have to perform. I was under pressure which was in a way good.. I cannot out-perform in a dance show, especially when I have been given this chance so early. I had to prove myself. So I started remembering the steps, revising them in my mind all day, practicing in restrooms at work, practicing at home, watching our dance practice recordings and finally I managed to at least remember the sequence of the steps :D.

Finally the 'D' day arrived. I was excited, nervous, conscious, everything at the same time. Dancing in a class is a different thing and dancing on stage in front of audience was another. I was having cold-feet. I tried to remain calm and compose and practiced my steps. Finally the time for tech-rehearsal came and it went fine.. Except that in some of my steps I needed some sharpness. I make a note of this feedback so that in actual performance, I don't make the same mistake.

We had 2 shows- 5 PM and 8 PM. In 5 PM show, I made many mistakes. The audience was so near the stage. I kind of freaked out and start forgetting the steps. But then I calmed myself. By anyhow I had made couple of mistakes there. I was disappointed in my-self and became more nervous for the next show. The one of my friend said a very nice thing, don’t worry about how you did, if you enjoyed dancing there it's worth it. This gave me lot of courage and I became kind of carefree keeping the same thought in mind: Just enjoy, don’t worry about anything else. 8PM show went very well (as compared to 5 PM show). I did all the steps, didn’t forget anything.. I was happy. The only thing missing were my expressions. That I knew is my another weak point which I need to work on.

In the end, while going home, I asked my best-friend to tell me genuinely how I did. He said a very nice thing which I will always remember. He said, "It doesn't matter whether you were at-par with others or not, what matters is you did something you were afraid of and that too on stage, something which needs a lot of courage. I am proud of you". He made my day!

I am still continuing my classes and will put in all the efforts required to improve myself with every passing class.

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

Yosemite Upper Falls: Its worth the pain!!

Yosemite: For me one of the very few places in US which give me a feel of belongingness.. A feel that I am home..

Though this was my 2nd trip to Yosemite but this place gives me a very familiar feel as if I have been here couple of times. Last time when I was here, I did Glacier point hike(roundtrip divided in 2 days) and it was a very memorable trip. That trip made a lasting impression on me for Yosemite and this trip made that impression even stronger.

Me and my friend wanted to visit Yosemite in winters, to see it snow covered. But we couldn't plan a trip since sometimes his weekends were not free and sometimes mine. Finally, I booked hotels for April 21-23 weekend and just informed him. Luckily, after series of super-busy weekends, this weekend was free for both of us.

We left on Friday evening and reached our lodge at decent time. Next day was a big day for me - planned to do Yosemite Falls Hike. Yosemite falls are the highest falls of North America. That itself says a lot about how strenuous this hike is going to be, given that it will be ascend to top of the falls in just 3.4 miles (approx. 2600 feet elevation gain -  from 4000 feet to 6500 feet). I was little nervous, not because of the hike or the elevation gain, but mostly because of my knee pain, which once started (mostly during downhills or 4-5 hours of strain) will make my downhill journey quiet slow and painful. The only thing was that no matter how slow I get, but we should come down before it gets dark.

But for the current moment, I was enjoying staying in a lodge in between a National park. It was so quiet and calm and green and peaceful.

We planned to leave by 7:00, so that we can start the hike by 8-8:30 AM, which will give us enough room for day light, in case we got late while descending back. But, we were so tired from the week before and the journey that we woke up  at 7:40 AM itself.

After having a quick breakfast and 1 hour drive to the trail head and juggling between whether I should carry the camera bag or not(given the strenuous nature of the hike, I might not be comfortable carrying it, so I just took the camera), we finally started the hike around 10:30 AM. Roughly we estimated 8 hrs. for the worst case, i.e. we will be back by 6:30 PM which is well on time for the day light concern.

From the very start, the trail was steep enough to make me stop every 2 turns(which made me a very slow hiker.. God.. I hate elevations.. Why can't all hikes be straight paths :-P). To make things worse for me, it was not only uphill but was all stairs throughout. As the body warmed up I took bit of a pace(at least In my view I did so ;-)). After sometime, when I was certain we are at least half way, I asked my friend the same and he told not even a mile :( :( .. I was like.. No way.. So much effort and not even a mile. I had to really keep my calm to not give up.

Since I was the photographer for this trip, I took leverage of giving my legs some rest by clicking multiple pics of a spot :-P. Sometimes I made deliberate stops to click the pictures, so that I can take a breaks. But at the same time, the view from that height was over-whelming and I can sit there staring at it for hours.

After almost 1.5 miles, I felt that we are almost at the top. That gave me a lot of satisfaction because I then the rest of the hike will mostly be straight with little bit elevation gain here and there. But after next turn, I was proven so wrong when downhill started and we ascended a lot. Whole time I was cribbing that why are we going down, we will have to climb up again to this height :-D.

But the good part of the downhill was that we were at the middle of the falls. I can see and feel the falls in front of me. They were so beautiful and thanks for the rains this year, they had ample amount of water. I had to hide the camera inside my jacket to save it from getting wet. I clicked lots of pictures from all the angles I could. This was the nearest we could get to the falls and see them falling from such great height. The falls were making such a loud sound, but the noticeable thing was that before and after 2 turns, that sound just vanished. No one can even guess that such a huge water fall is so nearby.

After a good refreshing break, we again started uphill, crossing various streams, taking breaks at vista points finally we reached a point from where the scenery changed. It was all white stones(very less green). It look so different from the trail we hikes so far. It gave a very vast and calm view. It gave me new energy to climb up. It felt that now the top is not very far. We continued the hike and on the way someone said its just 0.4 miles ahead. I was so happy and excited to hear this. Finally I am almost there. I kept on hiking, but after sometime we still didn't reach. Either it wasn't 0.4 miles left from that point or the ascend was so much that we were gaining elevation (and loosing energy) but not the distance. Finally I saw the board which said 0.2 miles to 'Yosemite Falls top' and beyond that point was all snow. I was double excited this time, a marker which cannot be wrong so it is just 0.2 more miles and snowww.. Yeyey..

Snow - it is beautiful and dangerous at the same time, especially if you have to hike over it. Some part of the snow had become icy and was very slippery. Taking extra precautions and moving slowly we finally make it to the top. It was beautiful.. very beautiful.

From all this stair climbing, my left knee had already started complaining. In between there was a point when my friend suggested that we can move back from here, since he was worried how will I get down with all this pain. But I was adamant that anyhow the pain will be there so why not reach the top and bear the pain. If I would have gone back then, I would have missed such a beautiful view.

But this was not the end, though we were at the top but the falls were nowhere to be seen. There were stairs on the left, which were going down to the fall head. I had read that this is the scary part as it was very narrow and on one side there was no support. If you slip or lost balance, you will directly land-up in the valley. But it's not as scary as it sounded. I took precautions and descended slowly. When I was down in the area I felt like I can just sit there and listen to the fall while looking onto the view in front of me for hours.

We stood there for couple of minutes then came back on the top. Found a good flat stone and sat there, in quiet.

We rested for almost 20 minutes, ate (while a squirrel made an effort to take our food whenever she got a chance and we made her effort futile every single time), lied down, enjoyed the view thoroughly and finally stood up to get back. It was 2:30 when we started back. It's been 4 hours since we had started. We had another 4 hours to get down, which was good enough time. Usually downhill is easy and I am sure people were able to complete it in 2 hours. But me, I took complete 4 hours (more then I took for reaching uphill :-P).

Since the left knee was already in pain, I didn’t want my right knee to start complaining, therefore I took the pain-killer before starting downhill. My speed was extremely slow. They were all stairs and I was taking one step at a time. Because of me, my friend had a slow down a lot. He had to make stops every now and then so that he can be with me. He took the camera from me (I wasn't carrying any stuff now), and clicked photographs while waiting. My whole concentration was on keeping the steps firmly, especially when there was water streams. I cannot afford to slip.

There was a ranger who passed me while we was going to the top. He asked if I needed any help and I refused. After sometime he again asked me the same. This time he was going downhill. Taking breaks, slowly and steadily I reached the bottom at sharp 6:30 PM (started at 10:30 AM.. Took complete 8 hours.. :-D).

There were no regrets, there was only the feeling of accomplishment and more than that was the happy feel which I got from the view on the top. After this hike, I wasn't able to walk normally for a week because of the persisting pain. But as it is said: Beautiful things are not free. For me, this hike was totally worth the pain.

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

Love - everything justified

Stil deciding on how to start this post. Maybe i should start when i was very much unfamiliar with "What Love is" but used to think that i understand the feeling and how people feel when they are in Love. I used to guide/advice my friends when they used to have fights with their love partner, used to listen to them for hours. I always had the attitude to understand what other person is going through and i thought i was doing pretty well.

But there was always one part of Love which i was never able to understand, and that was "How can you become selfish in Love". In my life, till that point, i had not felt any strong anger, Jealousy, envy or possessiveness for anyone. So, when i used to see and listen about the things like people kill in love, die in love etc, i was never able to justify those acts to myself.

Also, the other part was i had seen people being crazy for a person who doesn't love them back or treat them bad. Still they were so much in Love with them. This was un-explainable to me. I used to think how can someone be so stupid to Love someone and spoil their whole life in their love even though they know that the other person doesn't Love them. 

I have heard from people before that you should learn from other people's experience. I used to believe this but gradually as i grew up and experienced things by self, i realized that it is easy to advice or say, but you can never understand what other person is going through until you have experienced it yourself at least once in your life.

As the years passed by, this thought become very strong in my mind and gradually i stopped giving my opinion to Friends. Because i used to feel that behind every story there is another story of that person which i can never understand until i walk in his shoes. To advice and to comment is easy but to follow is not always that simple.

  I always wanted to feel the feeling of Love to understand the actual feeling behind it. After years of my college, finally i was in Love. And as if God knew what i want to know, that other person whom i loved, loved someone else. This story started 3 years back and since then, i have experienced every aspect of Love : Love, Jealousy, Envy, Possessiveness, feeling where you feel you world is over, where you want to stab yourself to stop the pain, feeling where you just want to be alone, feeling when u want to leave and just to and sometime you feel just to let go. I know how it feels when you think your body will explode with pain and every part of the your body will cry as hard as possible, still the pain will not go. I know how you cry day after day, every day and still manages to hide from you family.I know how it feels when you are immensely possessive that you start a fight and at back of your mind you feel guilty because that is not what you actually want. I know how it is when you do things you will never do otherwise. I know that restlessness, that anxiety.

And worst part, sometimes you gather all the points to hate that person, to be out of all this, and just a phone call takes it all away. One nice chat with the person and you can find no reason to go away from him again.

Someone rightly said:

If you truly love someone and he gives you 100 reasons to you to walk away, you will find just one to stick around.

I am still in love with that person but he doesn't feel the same for me. Sometimes i feel why, if i know that he doesn't, then why don't i just move on. Its not easy.. but i am trying..

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

"Whatever happens, happens for a reason"

This is the quote in which i believe firmly and this thought is what keeps me going through thick and thin..

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

Being an Introvert is not easy..

There are certain things which you cannot change, like the nature you are born with. 

I am an introvert and for long time i have tried to deny this fact by making myself and people believe that I am an Ambivert. But after all those years of struggle, now I have decided to make peace with what i am and to except that.

Somehow, i always wanted to speak more, be more witty, more spontaneous. But.. I do no possess any of these qualities. I am a very quiet girl and because of not being able so talkative.. i have lost many friends, many opportunities..have seen disappointment in people's eyes for me, have heard on my face how boring I am and have cried a lot all along these years..wishing that i could be different some day.. 

I feel disappointed, apparently introverts are supposed to be smarter, better thinkers? Damn, I missed that boat too!

I have worked hard to be better, have make myself go through the situations where i as an introvert will not feel comfortable like public speaking (dreadful experience every time).

Sometimes I am envious of people with best friends, particularly girls who go out and do things together. I just cannot share my thoughts, i don't have anything to share. What i have is very personal and not to be shared with anyone. And if you have friends who are chatterboxes, situation is more worse. They cannot think how can anyone speak so less, how can anyone be so dis-interested.

I just can’t keep a relationship going with anyone; as soon as we get close, I freak out and back off.

I think people just feel comfortable around others who talk and can express their thoughts seamlessly. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t built that way, so I have to just deal with the cards that I have.

I love to discover the strengths others have. We get to know each other well. But I still need to do most of the actual work alone. The more solitude I have, the more effective I can be.

I use to give impression of being outgoing and friendly and that i enjoy their company, which is true to a certain point, but people do not realize I’m introvert and therefore, at some point, I have to let them down by not wanting to spend as much time together as they want. 

Over the years, same thing, same sequence is being repeated and it leaves me with shattered confidence. Sometimes i feel that I should not get close to people anymore. Making distance from the starting will save all of us from the pain later on.

I always enjoy my own company and being alone sometimes feel best and you will not be hurting anyone and you yourself will also not get hurt.

Sometimes it feels as if I am the only unique person like this, but it feels good to know that i am not alone and i need to accept myself, then only others will accept me the way I am.

[l-a-z-y-traveller]

Trying hard all along..

Its a daily story, i find something or the other to upset myself, why am i so possesive, why always i put his patience to test.

Ignorance is Bliss, people say, But its only a way to give little more time for the relationship to stay.

I know he is not mine, It has been told in everyway possible way, i should keep out of his personal affairs but why.. why my self-control always betrays

The curiosity of whats going on there the Jealousy if any one comes near the fear that the end is near leave my eyes full of tears.

not to expect, not to care, if you feel sad, u cannot share

I feel so lonely, sad all the time, have lost control over myself, feels like i have committed some crime.

Trying to keep all inside I am becoming cold Dont feel like talking to anyone i just want to be left alone.

He is concerned, he takes good care of me but a mere thought of this kills that he doesn't feel the same way as me.

His small actions bothers me, useless things, but they hit me on my nerve, I always put up a fight with him, the fight, that he dont deserve.

Sometimes I ask myself, why am i doing this , why am i here, just one thought justifies it all, that I love him and rest i dont care..

How much ever i struggle with my thoughts, how much ever i cry, i will always love him, no matter what comes by.