kyndragetyourshittogether

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

Things have been difficult Am I depressed? 

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

you are loved you are worthy of love you are lovable every bit of you is beautiful inside and out i hope you hear me when i say you deserve love you deserve to have it all 

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

The Tilly’s

Ben, Lillian, Great Grandma Margaret, Gordon, Great Grandpa Henry, "Little" Henry, Mary Ann, and Marie

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

I haven’t been in love in a long time I’m trying to remember what it feels like When someone you love gives you that look You know the one Tracing my memories makes me ache Going on a first date, night swimming naked in the lake

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

I’m trying to be softer, but also everything is maddening. My eyes feel like I’ve ben crying. My feet ache like I’ve been wandering the desert for 40 years. I’m learning that truth is nuanced. That people are not bad or good. I’m learning that I am not bad or good. I am both bad and good sometimes. Everyone is both bad and good sometimes. The only truth that I should rely on is my own. I am learning to lean into my truth. I am learning that I can have difficult conversations without being wrong or right; best or worst; good or evil. I am me and I have my own experiences and perception and that is real. I can show others what is real to me.  I can express discomfort without anger. I can be vulnerable and also have boundaries. I am worthy of genuine belonging and human connection. The other day I was getting the impression my bosses were annoyed with me. I could feel my mind being sucked into the black hole in the galaxy of my insecurities and shame. They don’t like me. I will never experience belonging with these people. They think I am so annoying, why? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be a regular person? Why do they do x, y, and z with so and so and not me? Do they not like me? They don’t actually want me to succeed. I’m wasting my time. They’re using me. I am stuck. 

But then something amazing happened. I stopped. I said to myself: Shhh, Honey, you know this isn’t true. Look at all of these examples that prove that isn’t true. Remember that one time they did this? What about that one time? What about this and that was just the other day! See? They love you. You are loved. You belong. It’s been a long week for all of us. You don’t need to read into this. You don’t need to worry about this. They have so much on their minds, they probably didn’t realize how you viewed this. You aren’t too sensitive, you are so incredibly in tune. It’s actually impressive. Do not fret my love, this has nothing to do with you until it does. 

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

sept 2018

Update from my last post. Turns it out the car I bought was a piece of garbage and I got played. I ended up trading it in to Honda, despite their greatest efforts to deny the trade, they gave me a whopping $100 for it. I now have a new, new car and am back in debt! Hooray.

It’s upsetting because not only am I struggling with the qualms of making a stupid, avoidable and expensive mistake due to my consistent, annoying, and self destructive inability to judge a persons character despite my nagging intuition telling me something isn’t as it should be. I ignored it, per usual to prove to myself that I am not a cynical, untrusting, person that judges other people based on my impressions of them (spoiler alert I do, and I am). I am also dealing with choosing to put myself in the same exact position I’ve criticized my father about putting me in for years. Had he been here trying to buy that car for me, I would have been begging him not to. Why did I want this? This isn’t what I wanted at all. 

I ran into the same thing when I tried tinder and also just dating in general. Swiping left on guys that I didn’t immediately find attractive made me feel like a bad person.  Not being romantically interested in a guy I’ve spent a lot of time with and that, by all accounts gives me no “real” reason not to be interested, makes me feel like I am a mean girl. Also it’s almost like I am choosing to be interested in someone. What’s that about?

I had a re-epiphany about dating. Don’t do it unless it’s fun! I had to remind myself that all the guys I’ve fallen for, or had good relationships with, or wanted to deepen relationships with, were funny and they were FUN. I wanna laugh until there is tears streaming down my face and my cheeks and stomach hurt from laughing for so long. I want to do activities and play games. I know relationships take hard work, and it’s not always fun, but it should at least be fun in the beginning right? As an ex of mine once said, if it’s not a yes, it’s a no. 

I recently read a friends writing and became really inspired. Although I’m no where near her skill or perhaps practiced ability to paint emotions with words, it was very inspiring. I know I need to practice writing more and this, this stream of consciousness pales in comparison to the way she so delicately makes it rain in my soul.

I think this is the part of my moon cycle where everything lines up and I can see clearly. Like most of the time I’m watching a 3d movie without the glasses and then once a month for about a 10 days I get to wear the glasses and see this beautiful amazing picture.

A girlfriend I met briefly over a year ago, reached out to me on facebook last night asking me how i’ve been and what i’ve been up to. I shared my recent challenges with self worth, confidence and the ongoing struggle it has been here to find my people. She was so supportive and encouraging without trying to quickly “solve” my problems as most humans are programmed to do.  It softened my heart.  She gave me the contact info of another girlfriend who just moved here and I’m getting dinner with her tonight! At last.

I’ve been participating in a friends gratitude challenge on facebook. (I realized later that the original post was on IG but oh well.) I prefer to type on a keyboard anyway. I’m not as eloquent with my words as I’d like and at times the things I’m grateful for seem really silly. Should I try to be more deep? Trying to be deep seems like an oxymoron.  Random deep quotes on IG posts make me want to vom.

I think I’m going to break up with my therapist. I don’t really want to find a new one, and start all over, maybe we just need to see each other less. I’m not sure. I’m not even sure if she is billing this through my insurance. She does help me, but I think we’re growing apart. 

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

ITS ALL REALLY HAPPENING

I bought a car ya’ll. My grown up, able bodied self found and purchased a vehicle to drive all by her damn self. I’m kind of afraid to drive it in case it falls apart because I bought it on Craigslist and also I haven’t driven in like 2 years and also have never driven here and I have anxiety and fear death and trust no one, but I can do stuff now! I can go to the North Shore! I can pick up friends from the airport! I can get soda, beer, wine and lacroix all at the same time! I can get my nails done and then do laundry and then go grocery shopping all in one trip! I can take the dog to the beach! I can buy furniture at will! I can keep a swimsuit and a towel in my car for beach emergencies! I can go on hikes! I depend on NO ONE! PLUS my neighbor gave me his parking spot (for purchase, but STILL) so I don’t have to drive around for hours looking for a spot and end up having to park it somewhere far away where someone might break into it.

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

diary

On Monday a bed arrived for my brother that my parents and I purchased for his 27th birthday on Friday.  We had to throw out his bed almost two years ago when I moved here due to a bed bug infestation in his apartment. We moved out of that apartment and into this one shortly after and he has been sleeping on an air mattress that my sister bought when she visited last March. A few months ago he finally gave up on the deflation battle and has been sleeping on the couch. So I conspired with my parents to get him this very nice mattress from Sears.  It ended up being scheduled to be delivered at the exact time of my therapy appointment downtown so luckily my friend Kelsey agreed to come help me out for a couple of hours. I set it up in his room with sheets and stuff for him to find when he came home from work and we went to Rock Bottom to grab a beer. She invited me back to her house to help her pack for her vacation to CA and Vegas and we hung out there for a bit before I got too stoned and had to come home and eat pizza.

On Tuesday, Nicole from work called me to see if I wanted to go to the North Shore! I had the day off and no plans. She’s house and car sitting for the owner at the nook.  So we galavanted up there to beach it out. Our first stop was a beach by a horse farm, it was amazing. We then got sammiches and smoothies at a cute lil organic/veg friendly place in Haiewa town.  Stopped at the market, bought some adult beach beverages and headed to Waimea Bay to jump off the cliff. Much to my relief we couldn’t find parking so we continued along the north shore until we stopped at this lil hidden bay beach. There’s a huge beautiful banyan tree and the water was perfect, although I’m pretty sure I saw a baby shark.  We started to feel sunburned so we decided to hit the road. We drove down the east side as the sunset.  We stopped at Laie Point where they filmed the cliff jumping scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  Stopped to soak in the sunset at Kahana Bay and then she took me home. It was an awesome day and I was so happy to be invited and have someone show me and explore with out me feeling like I’ve been fucking up this whole time. Amber liked the photo I posted, makes me want to block her. I hate that it bothers me but it does.

Wednesday I didn’t feel so well, not sure if it’s the vog, pms, something I ate, too much sun, indigestion, heartburn, anxiety or WHAT.  I had stomach ache all day long that lasted all the way through Thursday. It wasn’t too busy at work so my manager sent me home so I could rest before coming back to work at 630am the next morning. New girl is struggling, had to help her out a bunch and it was testing my patience, Kirsty was managing, she’s so much better at those things than I am. After work on Thursday Kirsty invited me to go to the movies with her and her boyfriend! It’s been so freaking hot so it was nice to go sit in dark AC for a while. We had a weird altercation with an older woman sitting in our seats and then we felt bad afterward.  We saw Oceans 8, it was okay, I would have rather spent $15 to see the Incredibles 2, but I HAVE FRIENDS WHO INVITE ME TO DO THINGS SO COOL.

Today is Friday and I got up around 930a and took Brooklyn on my walk to get coffee, I was planning on going to Glazers but she REALLY wanted to go to the Nook, practically dragged me there. I feel like I’m more active when I don’t have coffee at home, it forces me out of the house earlier. I came home and cleaned up a bit before forcing myself to go to whole foods.  I’ve been trying to make more art, even if it’s silly. I don’t work until 6pm tonight so I’m going to try to do some other errands before then. I got my shift covered tomorrow for Craig’s birthday, not sure what we’ll do.  Then I work pretty much all day Sunday, I think Kirsty invited me to something on Sunday night but I forget what it was. My therapist is out of town next week so no therapy on Monday, I’m thinking about going to Maui to visit Krystal...

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

agoraphobic tendencies

it’s not that i’m afraid of leaving the house it’s the sum over overwhelming anxieties of possibilities it’s the should i drive or should i walk? should i get groceries? if i get groceries i should bring my backpack, but i hate that backpack, i should drive but my kickstand is broken so i’ll have to wear these shoes and then i have to change my whole outfit, can’t wear these earrings if i’m going on a moped, if i moped getting coffee will be hard, did i forget my keys? did i leave my keys in my moped? my moped got stolen, it’s for sure stolen oh no here are the keys. everything is fine, oh my god it’s so windy holy crap i just almost got hit by a car forget half the things i was going to do i just want to be home where it’s safe and i don’t have to worry about any of these things

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

a love letter

a love letter a weighted gesture, so heavy, it festers deep within my psyche of likey likey i might be, in love with, i might be the letter itself, if nothing else it sings to me so beautifully it grows out of the page and into the sky and oh my i’m terrified what have i done, what have we become, it’s done i’ve lost it, it’s over, the moment so fleeting I keep on repeating, i don’t know what i want i don’t know what i want, is this it? is this it? is this it? or is it this one? that one? on to the next one more try, lets see if this fits, does it work do we work, is it work? it shouldn’t be work if it’s right, we’ll take flight, high above the mountain tops just you and i, we’ll be soaring breathless, fearless, nothing less than perfect, you give me life and i give you breath and together we unrest who we thought we were and build to become a greaterdom you push me and i’ll push back and we’ll laugh until we cry and the sun sets over the ocean turning the sky a crimson sea with cotton candy clouds behind us i don’t want to leave but i feel anxious

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

My therapist thinks I should write more

It’s been rough, emotionally, the last few months. Ever since I got back from Mexico.  It was hard that my date bailed, I was mad that I didn’t plan for that. I was mad that I asked him to begin with. I am mad at most men in my life that have let me down.  I keep putting myself in the same mental headspace and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to get out.  In Mexico I felt so, so alone and questioning why I was even there. The photos were just posted and I’m only in the background of, like,  a couple photos.  I don’t know why I’m so sensitive about certain things.  I don’t know why I feel like I can never have an opinion or no matter what opinion I have, it’s wrong.  The other day I heard a child yell at her mom, “I’M TALKING TO YOU AND YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!” and it really resonated with me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed take up space. I’m afraid to tell people how I feel because I’m afraid I’ll get yelled at and be made to feel guilty about being upset or for not preventing it from happening in the first place. Because my perspective is wrong and I should apologize for being upset and handling it poorly. Why are other people allowed to be upset and demand an apology but when I do it, it’s like “sorry you have extraordinarily sensitive feelings”

I feel like I can’t be an artist because I’ll never be good enough and people will think I am a joke. I feel like I don’t want to be anything but an artist. I feel like I have lost so much time, there is no way I will ever be good enough at anything. I don’t even know if i want to be good enough at anything.  I feel like I’m losing mental space for new information. I feel so, so, so alone. I feel small. I’m frustrated with myself for not putting in as much effort as I should have, whatever that means, learning about whatever it is that I should be learning about to create some sort of career for myself other than a basic serving or retail job. 

I’m afraid to go down a path if I see it leading a direction I don’t know if I want to go. I’m afraid of commitment? I’m afraid to settle. I’m afraid to lose myself in a shitty job. I’m afraid of losing. I’m afraid of not being able to pay my bills. I’m afraid of being stuck. I’m afraid of losing my freedom. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of negative feedback. I’m afraid of not being the best. I’m afraid of not being liked and included. I’m afraid of having to do something I don’t enjoy.

So I got a therapist a month or so ago. We’re just doing talk therapy. (BTW I tried to get a therapist in MN and it required me to get a physician’s referral.  When I went in to get a referral they just prescribed me anti anxiety and beta blockers and no referral) I don’t want drugs, although they can help in emergencies, I really would rather just figure this shit out. Getting a therapist in Hawaii was much easier and my therapist knows I don’t want to be medicated and respects that.  So we’re figuring it out.  She guides me. Helps me realize things about myself and my life I already know. She listens. She makes me feel like it’s okay to take up space.

I quit my retail boutique job recently.  It has been very triggering for me to work there, and I’ve been working extra days to catch up from my Mexico trip that I haven’t really had time to recover emotionally, or financially from that, with the added triggers of the weird social interactions at that job. Perhaps my competitive nature combined with my insecurities was just a shit storm waiting to happen. With not enough time off, there was no time to recover. Like being hit by a wave, after wave, after wave, without time to catch your breath. 

Now I can catch my breath.  My therapist thinks it’s time I write more. I want to be more creative. I want to enjoy this life.

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

I've decided that i'm no longer on bad terms with anyone. Be upset by yourself & God bless

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

2 Year House Goals

BY SUMMER 2018

Functional Lanai - Fix Roof Leak, Repair screens, Rug, Chairs, Hammock etc. find good system for recycles

Washer for functional lanai

Window garnishes for common areas

Mini fridge for fun, fancy and adult beverages

Rearrange living room, get a cool chair to sit in and maybe a coffee table

All of the plants

BY EOY 2018

Shelving in kitchen/paint wall by stove

Paint bathroom & install shelving above toilet

Install legit bamboo curtain outside on front side of lanai for summers and privacy

BY EOY 2019

Repaint the whole fucking everything

Tile backsplash in kitchen, replace cabinets with open shelving

Get a legit bedframe with headboard like an adult

Replace medicine cabinet so it’s not gross Get, like, a ton of awesome rugs for everywhere

Is it dumb to invest into a rental? Cuz the rent is cheap and maybe I could just live here forever and it could be the coolest

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

The older I get, the more I realize the value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.

WomenWorking.com (via makeandgather)

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

Street Style Platform - Fashion Inspiration

[kyndragetyourshittogether]

I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via help-n-quotes)