kyluvsyi3w2

[kyluvsyi3w2]

㋡🥀

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Help. Please send help. The emotional kind. The kind that will get me out of this funk. The kind that involves a hug, a drink, and maybe a pint of ice cream.

Or send me him. Send me him so we can talk this out. Because he’s the only one with the answers. Maybe I should just let it go. Let go of what I wish it could be and be happy for what it was. I am happy for what it was. But I want more. Or at least more of the same. Is it wrong to miss him? Is it wrong to want to see them all again? Is it wrong to want to have another weekend like that? I know now how it makes me feel. So maybe next time, if he lets there be a next time, the goodbye will be easier. Ahhh… who the fuck am I even kidding goodbyes never get easier.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I feel like I belong with you. I’m sorry my feelings caught up with me. But it’s not even about you really it’s about me mostly and my loneliness. But seeing you opened up this can of worms that I didn’t even know was still there. And now I’ve lost the lid. So now my feelings are spilling out everywhere. I’m not even bothering to pick them up. If they all spill out maybe there won’t be any left. I doubt it.

There are so many things I wish I could say. But I can’t say any of them. For now is not the time. I need to give you space. I’m so very shitty at giving people space. I don’t want my tears, the tears I had no idea I’d cry, to be the end of it all. I know it’s not the beginning of anything, but I’d stay in limbo with you if you’d let me. Would that bring me happiness? Not really, but at least it would bring me peace. At least I’d have something to look forward to. At least I’d know where we stand. But you aren’t even standing.

God! I miss you. Sleeping alone is bullshit. My clothes and things smell like you and I don’t want to wash them, but I have to. Because absolutely everything ends!

But for the record, I only asked you something that you brought up in the first place. You said you’d help me. If you changed your mind that’s fine, but I need to know.

This can’t be the end can it? I know you don’t have space. I know you don’t have the energy. I know you’re dealing with a lot. I know you can’t pick me. But couldn’t we just exist here in the in-between. I’d take it. I’d take it over losing you. I seriously cannot lose one more person. I know that’s settling. But maybe even when we both find someone else I can keep you. That’s just a fantasy. Last weekend was a dream come true. I’d give anything to go back. Absolutely. Anything. I wish for a compromise, I wish for you to respond, and I wish to see you again. I wish for happiness, for you and for me. I wish for understanding and peace. I know I have to stop making homes out of people, but I can’t help myself. When I’m with you I feel at home and for that I’m sorry.

Someone send help. Please.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I don’t want anything from you... I just want you.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Familiar

It’s time to decide if you want what’s familiar or what’s better.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

After reading through all of our old messages I realized that I think our paths are going to keep crossing like this for all eternity. There is just something about each other that we can’t ignore. Some sort of chemistry or spark. Whatever it is I’m grateful for it. For my life is better for having you in it. But if there really is an end, like there is to most things, that’s okay too. For we had a great ending to a hella crazy ride.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

You’re not going to pick to me. You’re going to back out of your offer. I can feel it. I know there is a lot to process. I know I’m a lot to deal with. I know you have more than a lot on your plate right now. I think I just have to be happy about what happened and not worry about what might be. As much as all of me wishes teleportation was real even if it was I don’t think that would fix this problem. Because distance isn’t the only issue. I’d pick you in a heartbeat. Hell, half of one! Or at least agree to give it another try. But you don’t have that energy. You don’t have that space. Your heart is open, but it’s also guarded. But the reason it was easy to let me back in is because I had a space in there already. I’m always going to love you. Absolutely always. And no amount of miles, time, or other girls will change that. But no amount of anything is going to change you. Change your mind on where you stand on the values that were drilled into you at birth. The values you don’t want to hold up anymore. The values I think you never really held. I wish beyond wishing I could change that. I don’t want you to have to choose between love and your family. But that’s what it’s always been for you hasn’t it? It’s not wrong to do it the way you were taught, but it is wrong if it doesn’t bring you happiness. I wish I had that answer for you. The answer of the right thing to do. The truth is only you can find that answer. Only you can make that decision. And if you picked your family every other time why would this next time be any different? Is your wife the straw that broke the camel’s back? Will this divorce make the walls of your traditional ideals come crashing down? Or will you forever fight them while simultaneously trying to protect them? Like I said, I’ll always love you. I’ll always be here, for I’ve been here all along. I wish you nothing but happiness. True, surreal, larger than life happiness. Because if you really love someone that’s what you wish for them. And I really love you. Will I ever get another shot or will this one weekend be the re-beginning and end end of it all? I don’t know. But I feel like it’s the end. The end end. And if that’s the case then please know I regret nothing at all. Meeting you was worth all these tears, getting to know you was worth the heartbreak, and getting the chance to love you and be loved by you was worth the sadness of not getting chosen.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I want a love without any doubt. I wanna be able to say, I love this person without ever thinking I might be looking stupid for saying that. I wanna look into your eyes and see the multiple universes where you and I always align. I wanna love myself through you. I want the relationship to be so pure, so fun, so youthful, but at the same time so mature. Every time I hold your hand I wanna feel like I’m being electrocuted. And every time we kiss I wanna feel like we’re the reason why this world stops revolving. I wanna spend hours in bed just talking and laughing, never sleeping, and then just deciding, “hey let’s go chase the sunrise real quick.” I wanna make love to you mentally, I wanna caress you with my poetry. I want love to feel like the first time again. And when we’re apart I wanna miss you missing me missing you. I want the butterflies in my stomach to evolve into moths. I want real. I want our connection to transcend the physical and dive into the depths of our souls. I want our love to be a masterpiece painted with the strokes of our passion and understanding. I want our love to be an eternal flame, illuminating the darkest corners of our lives.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I think I’m going to be mourning this for a while. This emptiness without you next to me. This sadness not sharing a bed, not hearing your laugh, not kissing your lips, not doing anything at all. But I have to move forward don’t I? Because life only moves forward. I am here and you are there and despite the miles between us there is so much else going on. And yet there is still something between us. I know that loving you is stupid. I know I’m not supposed to get caught up in my feelings. And I’m trying, I really am. But as I lay here in a room with all my stuff I’ve never felt less at home in all of my life. I want to go back to Austin. I want to go back to you. If only for one more day. If only for one more moment. If only to cry more tears. For even though I know I deserve more somehow still you’re worth them all. We don’t know what the future holds. But I know that this weekend with you and your friends was one of the best I’ve had in a really long fucking time. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for talking with me and letting go of our arguments. Thanks for giving me the closure you claim to be so shitty at. Every moment of this weekend is worth every fucking tear I’m going to cry about this goodbye. And maybe that’s crazy. But I’m crazy and you’re crazy. And life is crazy. Don’t know when I’ll see you again. You told me we’ll see each other again. But even if we don’t please know that this weekend meant everything. I know you know that.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Why are goodbyes so hard? Why do they never get any easier? Why, just why?

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I know you can’t be with me. You made that crystal clear, which I’m grateful for. But god do I love you. And sometimes I think about the life we could’ve had together. And wish for it to be true. I knew then, what I know now, what I’ve know always that it will never come true. Even if you wanted to, you did back then and maybe part of you does now, you can’t. And that’s fine. It is. Because sexting you isn’t a crime. Talking to you isn’t a crime. Teasing you isn’t a crime. But maybe loving you is. For it never did me any favors. You said don’t get too invested. I won’t. I won’t this time around. Because not only can we never be together you live so far away. But maybe what I need right now is just a little bit of fun. A little bit of kindness. Some laughs, some kisses, and sleeping next to someone who I know for a fact cares about me. One day you’ll go somewhere. And here I’ll be. But like I said you’ll have me forever. You’re stuck with me. And you agreed. Because if even after all these years this is where we’ve landed it’s gotta mean something right? I know it does. And that’s okay. Life’s not linear, love isn’t finite, and feelings don’t control themselves. But actions can be controlled. So this time, this time around I promise, not to get caught up in you. Caught up in my feelings. Caught up in my wishes. Because like you said it will only hurt me down the road. And god knows I’ve done enough hurting for this life time and the next. But like you always say you know me and I know you. And that matters. That fucking matters. And that’s why sex with you was the best. One day, maybe I’ll find someone who can love me and have me. But until then I’ll enjoy someone who can just love me. Someone who can just exist with me. Someone who can listen to me. Someone who cares. Like really truly cares. We’ve grown up, but somewhere inside I think we’re still 23 and 24, sitting on your balcony, chatting while you smoke a cigarette.

[kyluvsyi3w2]

— Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

[kyluvsyi3w2]

[kyluvsyi3w2]

Bittersweet

For a brief moment

I started to believe

On all the shooting stars

We never see

[kyluvsyi3w2]

I’m just a needy, insecure mess. You deserve better than me.

[kyluvsyi3w2]