kucing02-musings

[kucing02-musings]

Hiatus

To myself

Forgive yourself for taking this break from writing here for a bit as you need to focus writing other things for elsewhere. 

Forgive yourself for choosing to be distant cause you feel like you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need.

Forgive yourself.

You’ll be back, better than before. 

[kucing02-musings]

Safe Space

noun

a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.

I think that it is very important for people to be able to have a safe environment to speak their mind without judgment. More often than not, it would depend on the people whom you are sharing that space with that determines how “safe” it is. 

Usually, this safe space exists when you speak with family members, partners, or close friends. It is where you are able to express your innermost thoughts and grievances without having to worry about it being used against you or people thinking badly of you to make you feel horrible. Mainly because these are the people whom you trust.

Lately I’ve noticed that I don’t really have a safe space that I can rely on. To be more accurate, I never found myself wanting to rely on a safe space. I think this has to do with the fact that the place I should feel the safest to speak my mind isn’t even a safe space to begin with. So it’s become a situation that makes me think that I am not allowed to express myself to anyone for fear that it tramples on their happiness. Then I will end up feeling worse than I did before. Cause my own happiness is always set aside in favour of others. It’s the mentality that their happiness is more important than mine. Cause who am I right?

I think it then becomes a very toxic cycle - when you confide in someone about your opinions, only to have them interpreted negatively. From there you just stop wanting to open up. Then somehow or another, it worsens things cause you are miserable, and you don’t want to open up. People would then think that you’re being difficult. When in fact, they had made the space an unsafe one to begin with. 

It is a difficult situation to be in, when the people you speak to do not have the understanding and open-mindedness to want to talk about things without judgment. Kinda makes me wonder, if I would ever be able to break away from this cycle.

I’ve already had a few arguments with my partner about this. Well to an extent of it at least. I have difficulty expressing my thoughts to him. I’ve no issues with sharing the positives. But I have such a problem in telling him about what’s actually bothering me. I know it frustrates him very much cause we are partners - meaning we should be facing the good and the bad together. But I just nut up.

At the moment, he really is my safe space. However, having lost my safe space before, I think it would take me awhile until I am ready to really accept that as fact (i.e. that he is a safe space for me). I am just thankful that through it all, he has been understanding. I know it upsets him that I keep it all contained (to the point that I really don’t feel anything). There would be days I am so desensitised from having compartmentalised it all, that I don’t really feel like I am actually living for me.

Of course, it isn’t all bad. I have been fortunate to meet many people who allow me to have a safe space to speak my mind. I think the real problem really is actually opening up about what is really going on in my mind. It’s probably a defence mechanism, but I realise that despite “sharing”, I actually maintain a healthy distance from people. Such that people don’t actually know me per se. Kinda scary now that I think about it.  

Makes me realise how important a safe space really is to develop as a person.

[kucing02-musings]

Love - Part 4

The final part for this topic - Romantic Love

I will first start off with 2 quotes that can be found in Daniel Sloss: Live Shows on Netflx - the “Jigsaw” episode. 1. “We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with.”

2. “Now I’m of the opinion that if you do not love 100% of who I am, off you fucking fuck. All right? Thank you. That’s not arrogance. That’s not narcissism. That’s the way every single person in this room should feel about themselves because if you do not love 100% of who I am, you do not love me. You love an idea of me, which you have falsely fabricated in your head, and it’s not my fault if I do not live up to those expectations. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because I’m 90% shit. You have to love 100% of me, because that’s what makes me, me.“

Growing up, it seemed like it was a must to be in a relationship to be happy. Being in a relationship was “cool”. It validated you and your appeal. Somehow, it also became a situation of there being something “wrong” with you if you weren’t chased after by anyone. At least, that was what it felt like. 

Admittedly, I used to think that way a lot. That there was something inherently wrong with me. There were many times that I had thought that I was not worthy of love, and that bothered me for the longest time. Perhaps until I had my first brush of real love. That’s when I was sure that I should never compromise my identity, and that I am worthy of love just as I am.

It was after that experience, that I had thought to myself that I would never settle. If the person can’t accept me a 100% for who I am completely, I am not interested at all. It’s who I am. Loving just some part of me wouldn’t be loving me. It is that line of thinking that got me in trouble with my mum a fair bit.

She was of the thought that I should mellow myself and be less intimating to guys so that more guys would like me. I called bull on that thought many times, cause if I ended up with a person who fell in love with that idea of me, he would most likely run for the hills the minute he finds out that I am not as sweet and demure as he’d thought. 

I firmly believed in being myself at all times, without compromising on anything. If the person does not accept me for all that I am, then we shouldn’t be together no? 

One more quote from Daniel Sloss’s “Jigsaw” episode that is relevant here:

“...it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everything’s perfect on the outside, when you’ve raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, we’re so terrified. “

Why in the world should we settle for someone who clearly doesn’t fit? But yeah, my mum wasn’t too pleased with that. She thought it was just me being difficult. *shrugs*

Truth be told, I think when you do find the piece that fits, more often than not it happens when you’re not really looking. I wasn’t really looking when I met my the Player 2 that I will be spending the rest of my life with. If anything, I didn’t expect it at all. 

I find that romantic loves are best when it’s something that you don’t actively look for. Instead, you should be actively loving yourself and working on making yourself a better person. Figure out who you are. Then you will meet someone who suits you best. From there, the couple should then continue working on the relationship together at all times. That’s when I think romantic loves are worth waiting for.

[kucing02-musings]

Love - Part 3

Next up, we have platonic love. In other words, the love shared between friends.

I think this is one area that I have been rather blessed with as I have quite a few trusted friends whom I love, and whom love me in return. These people are usually those you have common memories with, a common interest, or similar lifestyles/principles. 

It’s such a special feeling when you’ve a group of people who accept you for all that you are, and are such understanding beings. Especially when I consider my personality, it is quite surprising that I have such close friends at all. Goes to show that they’re the real deal. For that, I am very grateful.

What is amazing to me about this kind of platonic love, is when those friends start feeling like family. When you share such a bond with them, that they become your chosen family. You just know that no matter what, they would back you up. Just like your actual blood family.

I know that these kind of ties are usually better established with people of the same gender (per the saying that people of the opposite gender can’t be friends). 

Personally, I call bull on such thinking cause I do have such a bond with some of my guy friends (no matter their orientation). Also, I think that it really depends on the individual and the kind of company they’re most comfortable with. 

I don’t think that gender should be a limiting factor to the friends you keep. As long as clear boundaries are established, why limit your potential pool of friends? If you get along better with someone from the opposite gender, then why not? End of the day, you do you.

Those friends who are still by your side supporting you during your dark and difficult periods are your true MVPs. I hope everyone has such people in their life. Cause apart from familial love, I think this platonic love is an additional support system that is very valuable. Plus, some jokes are really just better shared with friends.

[kucing02-musings]

Love - Part 2

Moving on to the second part of this 4-part series, this post will be exploring familial love.

Familial love is oftentimes the first type of love we ever experience. It is the very first type of love that we are exposed to, and may very well shape how we give and receive love when we grow up.

I think that I have been pretty blessed to have a family that has been accepting of me, and would have my back regardless. Despite the fact my siblings make it a point to make fun of me and disturb me a lot; I know that when push comes to shove, they would be there by my side supporting me. Same goes for my mum (just without the making fun of me bit). 

Regardless, I think that for some, familial love is something that brings about conflicting feelings. To them, though their family is made up of people whom they’re related to, or whom they have spent a lot of time with, there’s some conflicting feelings due to some bad experiences. It is at these points that we all would start thinking about this familial tie and what it means to us. 

I don’t think that any family is absolved from family drama. I do believe that it is ultimately up to the respective persons to decide if they would like to be the bigger person.

I do not believe that this means that we should accept the bad experiences that have arisen as a result of the actions of a family member, be it from your nuclear or your extended family. I believe that we have every right to spend some time apart from them. I believe that we should be allowed to terminate that relationship with toxic family members, and walk away from people who hurt you. 

However, in Islam, there is a concept of “silaturrahim”. It basically means the strengthening of relationships with friends, relatives and humanity; thus promoting peace and inspiring unity within each other. I usually keep this in mind whenever I am faced with some bad experiences with family members. I would take the time needed to recover, but I would not cut ties completely. Mostly cause I hold this concept close to heart - that I need to maintain these ties one way or another. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I believer in being the bigger person and fulfilling the basic responsibilities of my role, even when the receiving party may or may not be deserving of it. 

[kucing02-musings]

Love  - Part 1

I will be dividing this prompt into 4 parts, cause I think that it is important to elaborate on the different types of love. Also cause I think that all the different types should be explored.

First up, would be self-love. Easier said than done right? 

I think that everyone finds themselves struggling at times to muster self-love for themselves. It’s kinda sad when you think about it. When you don’t have self-love, it would be a little harder to love others. Just because your love battery is all but depleted. But we still give love to people we care about regardless sometimes even though we might not be in the best of places ourselves. 

I find that it is very important to be in that state of mind when you are able to practice self-love. I feel like you can become a better person for it. But I don’t always achieve it. Perhaps on my good days at least? 

Self-love is something that I really struggle with. Along with self-care. I have no idea how to practice self-care. I know of it, and preach the need for it. But I can’t seem to apply it for myself. I tend to brush off the need for self-love and self-care when it comes myself. Which I know is rubbish of me. For someone who stretches herself for others, I can’t seem to give myself the care and concern that I deserve.

I am fully aware that I need to practice what I preach. I do know that one needs to take care fo themselves to take care of others. I think what usually helps me get there in cultivating the self-love for myself is when I think of this quote:

To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. - Albus Dumbledore

Memories and experiences have been crucial for me to love myself. The knowledge that I have been loved, and am loved helps me to gradually learn to love myself. Cause if I am not deserving of love, then I wouldn’t have people loving me right?

[kucing02-musings]

Emptiness

In light of one of my previous posts being “How (do) you stay happy”, I thought that I could contrast it with this post. But to be entirely honest, this prompt came about largely because at this point of time, though I have some really great prompts to write about, the emptiness I am feeling is making me unable to write for those prompts to a standard that I can accept.

I am a firm believer of mind over matter, and that it is crucial for oneself to decide how to manage things to find the good in the bad. Personally, I find both of these concepts important for getting by life. But I cannot deny that there will inevitably be days of unbearable weightiness and emptiness that just leaves you in a funk.

I have no answer for how to make yourself feel better during those days, cause I myself haven’t found an answer that works for me. If anything, I just live with it. 

The previous post helps with coming out of the funk when you’re ready and able to. However, I know that it’s entirely different when you’re right in the middle of the funk. Your mind literally refuses to cooperate with you to help you get out of it.

If I were to describe how the emptiness feels like for me 

There is a silence in my mind

I feel extraordinarily empty and void of feeling 

My insides feel heavy

Nothing that usually makes me happy is able to distract me

I don’t want to listen to anything

I don’t want to do anything

I end up wanting to just lie down and stare at the ceiling

I begin to nut up and close myself off

Nothing anyone says would faze me

There is no explanation, no trigger, no particular incident - to pinpoint to that could help me understand why I have this feeling of emptiness. It just kicks in. I’ve come to a point I just accept it really.

If there’s another way to describe it, it’s like having a dementor by your side. I know that in the Harry Potter books that dementors are metaphors for depression, but that’s one of the best means of describing the emptiness that I feel on occasion.

For the record, I don’t think I have depression. I have a lot of blessings in my life that I am grateful for. So, to whoever is reading this, don’t worry about it. The emptiness has never been a cry for help. I think of it as a phase that will pass. It’s fine, and perfectly normal for me.

Anyway, what I would usually do is that I would just ride it out. I think the wondrous thing for myself is being able to compartmentalise my thoughts regardless of how I’m feeling. I think of it as my superpower. For me, I think that it’s fine. The emptiness. Cause I come out of it.

But I imagine that for some people, it is a different matter. I hope that you find a way to cope that works for you, cause one method of coping for someone might not work for another. 

Should you need someone to talk to, you could contact me here on this platform. Or if you know me personally, you could just drop me a text and I’d be sure to reply. I know that sometimes you just need someone to listen to. If I am able to provide such a service, I’d be happy to.  

Take care everyone. And to quote Spock, “live long and prosper”.

[kucing02-musings]

Some questions answered

This is going to be very different from my usual update, but here goes.

Sometime back, I had friends asking me about my relationship that came out of no where. I’d originally wanted to  answer those questions in a video, but cause we’re camera shy (read: lazy), we figured we could do this as a written post. 

WARNING: There’s some profanity (and funnily enough it’s not from me). There’s also some cheesiness, so please try not to cringe too much. 

How old are you guys?

Siti: I turned 27 in February. Didn’t think I would be getting married in my 20s. Had pictured myself getting married in my 30s instead. Glad I’m wrong.

Aliff: 27 years young hahaha

How long have we been together? 

Siti: I feel like if I get this right or wrong, I would be judged regardless. We’d gotten together in October 2019. So it’s been 11 months? Now we’re engaged, and getting married in January. Someone works fast. 

Aliff: We’ll have our first anniversary this October. Exact date, that’s a secret. (Really, even she doesn’t know)

Where and when did we first meet?

Siti: JJC campus back in 2010? And then again at the Landmark Restaurant @ the Village Hotel Bugis in 2018. Taxi stand at Paya Lebar Square in 2019? HAHA 

Aliff: JJC in 2010

What was your first impression of each other?

Siti: This is hard. Cause I don’t remember if I had a first impression of him when I first met him back in JC. Didn’t have a “first impression” of him once again when I met him at a mutual friend’s wedding back in 2018. Think that was after 5 plus years of not seeing him? Still no impression. 

Aliff: A cutie but she was attached when I knew her. Remembered wishing I had the opportunity to know her better in school

First thing you noticed about the other?

Siti: Mmm considering I don’t remember the first impression, don’t think I’d remember this. Maybe his walk?

Aliff: ��Siala, dia boleh bebual Melayu. Baik pe” (Roughly translates to: “Whoa, she can speak Malay. Cool.”)

Where was our first date?

Siti: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m not even sure WHEN or WHICH was our first date. BUT, I think it was Jurong Point? Yeah I have no clue.

Aliff: HAHAHA this depends on interpretation. I would say Pizza Hut during Ramadhan 2019 but the agreed upon first date would be at Jurong Point. Uhh, at the same Pizza Hut I might add.

Do you have any insecurities in your relationship? 

Siti: No? Not really. Don’t think so? I DON’T KNOW. Maybe just that I’m a flight risk and that I have plenty of issues. 

Aliff: Used to be insecure about her past relationships. Got over it, no need to worry when she has the best in me right? Hahaha

What do you like most about each other? 

Siti: His patience. His kindness. His understanding. Plus, he accepts me for me. Warts and all (literally cause I’m a witch).

Aliff: She is true to herself and never wavered in her convictions. She has always followed her own path and has unquestionable honour. (RIP Mako Iwamatsu)

What's the biggest fight you've ever had? 

Siti: Uhhhh I think the biggest fight we had was my fault. Rather, cause I still have difficulty sometimes accepting that I have a partner to rely on and work with. I’m still working on it, and I’m hoping it doesn’t get in the way again.

Aliff: I was at fault, poking fun at her insecurities. It is something I have to work on. Perpetual work in progress.

What are your pet peeves of each other? 

Siti: He reads what he’s typing out loud for his text replies. Literally. Out. Loud. And his eating habits. Won’t expand on it cause that’s not my information to share.

Aliff: SHE DISAPPEARS. LIKE EVERY TIME, EVERY WHERE. STOP DOING THAT!! 

When did you meet my family?

Siti: He met mine in November 2019, and I think I met his in the same month?

Aliff: One fine evening. “Eh my mum wants to meet you.” Had dinner at her place

Who said “I love you” first?

Siti: He did. By accident. Was kinda cute cause even he was caught off guard after he said it.

Aliff: Me. I blurted it out halfway on my living room couch while watching TV

Weird habit of each other?

Siti: Not exactly a habit. But if he starts singing the Doraemon song, he has to sing it from start to finish.

Aliff: Hmm, habit huh? Mmm… OH THAT’S RIGHT. Her default responses. “Mmm” to literally everything.

“What you want to eat?” “mmm” 

“Are we meeting tomorrow?” “mmm”

What I often do in my free time?

Siti: Sleep. Both of us would sleep. Or binge shows.

Aliff: What free time? There’s only nap time

What pisses you off?

Siti: About him or in general? HAHA. If it’s about him, he doesn’t eat seafood unless it’s fish, and he doesn’t eat crunchy vegetables. It doesn’t piss me off, but it annoys me a little that I can’t eat those dishes with him. If in general, drivers who don’t signal. I get such road rage. 

Aliff: Nothing much actually. I’m generally very accepting of people. Except errant drivers. Jubo ah, kereta mahal takde signal (Roughly translates to: “Asshole la, such an expensive car no signal”). 

What I’m not good at?

Siti: Patience is not my strong suit sometimes. He’s more patient than I am.

Aliff: Immediate responses. I need to think through what I want to say, otherwise filters might be off

What I’m good at?

Siti: Raging. And being direct. Sarcasm.

Aliff: I’m a people person (like a certain Fire Nation Princess)

Favorite feature about each other?

Siti: His smile. I love seeing his smile.

Aliff: I like her hair.

What do we argue about the most?

Siti: Who’s going to pay for things. He hates it when I pay first sometimes. 

Aliff: What she said ^

Do I have any weird obsessions?

Siti: He does. I’m normal. 

Aliff: Watching videos on YouTube about weird things like “How to airbend?” And actually trying it out. I’ve been caught “earthbending” in secondary school outside my classroom. Buggers were lucky I couldn’t do it, otherwise I’d have thrown chunks of rocks at their laughing faces for fun.

Nicknames for each other?

Siti: Sayang. Dumbass. Alep (rarely).

Aliff: Sayang. Aha. But my favourite. Calling her by her name. Because your name is one of the greatest gifts your parents gave you. Go check what her name means and you’ll know why.

Complete this sentence “You’re my……..”?

Siti: You’re my Player 2, partner, and my husband-to-be.

Aliff: Partner.

Is there anything you want to tell each other 

Siti: This will be so cheesy to have out in public, but, I love you. And I can’t wait for us to build our future together piece by piece. You’ve no idea how glad I am to have your support every step of the way for our future, and for my professional life. 

Aliff: I love you. We are not perfect and we won’t ever be but I will always do my best for both our families. I love you very much

P.S. The next time I upload a picture of us on this page, it would be a picture of us on our wedding day. The content of the post...well, I’ll decide that later.

[kucing02-musings]

How (do) you stay happy

I know that the title says “how (do) you stay happy”, but I feel the need to clarify that I think that it is impossible to “stay happy” per se. Rather, I think it should be “how do you find happiness even in the darkest of times”. Might be just me, but when it is phrased as staying happy, I picture the Joker with his batshit crazy smile. 

To stay happy is an unrealistic expectation cause life is messy, unpredictable, and just damn difficult to navigate sometimes. If you’re able to get through life with only feelings of happiness, then perhaps you should find the Batman to your Joker cause only being in a state of happiness sounds crazy unrealistic when there are deaths, prejudice, discrimination, and all sorts of crap in this life. 

All that aside, when I saw this prompt, it made me wonder if that’s how people see me. 

Truth be told, I feel like I’m one of the most dark and twisted individuals that I know of. I go through dark episodes more often than most, and I always have to fight to find the light in the darkness. I don’t think that I always portray myself as a happy individual on social media cause there are dark posts once in a while, and also cause I don’t really try to properly curate what is on it. Sure, I share cat videos, but that’s my public service contribution for the working adults (cause cats make everything better).

It was after that thought process, then I think, “oh, maybe that’s why the question came about”. Cause how do I find these pockets of joy when life is really full of crap sometimes. 

I don’t really have a foolproof secret life tip for how I do it. When I fall into that dark pit, below are the things that I think of to try and help me crawl out of it:

Accepting that it is entirely okay to have fallen into the dark pit, but also knowing that it must reach a point that I try to come out of it

The happiest memories I can think of that I spent with the people I love cause 

“To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” - Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter

A truckload of dark humour 

“Verily with every hardship comes ease” - Quran  94:6 

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” - Quran 02:286

Knowing that my loved ones would be hurt if anything happened to me

Vader needs me 

I think one of the most important things from the list above is the acceptance that it is perfectly okay to feel sad, down, in the pits, etc. It is more normal than you think. And personally, I think it is abnormal to portray yourself as constantly happy. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, good and bad, and no one is allowed to dictate what you should be feeling.

No. One. 

it is also okay to decide that you had a bad day even though there were moments that you felt happy. 

It. Is. Okay. It’s normal. You are not alone. Take the time you need to feel and heal.

The other thing is acknowledging your feelings. You have no idea how many times I just compartmentalise everything, until it ultimately reaches its threshold and I mentally implode. Then the darkness gets overwhelming and the pit is that much deeper to crawl out of. Acknowledge the feelings, be honest with yourself, and reach out for help when you feel ready to. That honesty with yourself is more important than you think. 

There are also two lines in the list that are taken from the Quran. I am Muslim, so faith is really something that I fall back on to help me get through life. After all, when you feel helpless, knowing that there is a higher power looking after you does help with coping with things. Regardless, though the phrases are derived from the Quran, I believe that it doesn’t mean that it is only limited to Muslims. I think they can be applicable for all. 

I believe that every individual, no matter their faith, will never be burdened with a situation that they are unable to handle. Mind over matter. It’s when we are pushed to the limit that we see how much we are capable of. And once you’re able to overcome those hurdles, there will surely be something at the end of it like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. You just need to get through it. Take a cue from Dory - “Just keep swimming.”

I think the main takeaway in response to “how (do) you stay happy” is simply this - it is literally how you yourself decide to handle things to find the good in the bad. 

I’ll end this with a quote:

“Our moment-to-moment happiness is largely determined by our outlook.  In fact, whether we are feeling happy or unhappy at any given moment often has very little to do with our absolute conditions but, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have.” ~ Dalai Lama

[kucing02-musings]

Employment

employment/ɪmˈplɔɪm(ə)nt,ɛmˈplɔɪm(ə)nt/

noun

1.the state of having paid work.

Long before joining the work force, I had absolutely no clue what it was I wanted to do for a living. I think the last time I had any career aspirations was back in primary school, and I thought that I wanted to be a veterinarian, with a focus on felines (duh). Not to worry, after a while I had realised that that was not really feasible. 

I’m not sure when it changed, but I had reached a point of not really thinking about a specific dream job. Rather, I was just thinking that I wanted to be in a position that I could relatively enjoy, grow, do well in, and not feel like killing myself every single time. Sounds simple enough, and I find it gives me less grief of not landing my “dream job”. 

This reminds me of when I was asked if I looked for a career, or a job. I don’t even plan my life properly, let alone plan a career. So when I was asked that, I had bluntly told the interviewer that I look for a job instead of a career. Then if the job grows into a career, then so be it. 

To me, I didn’t think of it as a “wrong” answer. Regardless of whether or not the job offers me a career progression or not, if I am get the job, I will put my best foot forward to deliver results and grow. I look for jobs that I think I am suited for, that I can do, and  I will work at it to the best of my ability. That’s just part of my work ethic. I don’t like giving subpar work. Career progression or not, I rather focus on what I have to offer then than look at how my career will be in the X amount of time I spend in a job. I mean, look at how well long term planning has worked out for us this year in 2020. All them shiny plans out the window cause of COVID-19. 

Personally, I prefer to look at the situation and analyse accordingly instead of planning for 5 years in hopes that things follow through nicely. As someone who tends to get bouts of anxiety, 5 year plans would just make me even more anxious. Especially if they don’t go as planned. 

Ultimately it depends on the individual themselves. I know of friends who really look at the state of their careers to have a more focused direction, and those who have well thought out plans to get to where they want to be. I think that’s remarkable of them, cause I never had that kind of ambition. 

I mean, if someone asked me if I’d ever thought that I would be where I am now with regard to my employment, I would tell them that it was something I had never even thought about. The opportunity just literally fell into my lap, and I took it. That’s all really. 

I’d always gone about looking for employment thinking, “can I do this job and perform well”. If the answer is yes, I try to get the job. If the answer is no, there are other jobs to try. End of the day, we just need a job to survive. How we survive, is up to us. For me, I just took the job that allows me a balance, and doesn’t make me lose my mind (that much). 

[kucing02-musings]

Ghosts

Originally, what came to mind when I was first given this prompt was something along the lines of Casper. The supernatural - ghosts, ghouls, poltergeists, things that go bump in the night and are only out to scare the crap out of you. I was thinking if I should be writing a fictional horror story. 

Then I thought to myself that that might not be entirely relatable. Not everyone is a fan of horror or the supernatural. So after mulling over it for a while, it occurred to me that we’re all haunted in our own ways. By the ghosts of our past. 

Works of fiction usually suggest that ghosts are beings who can’t move on cause of unfinished business. Extrapolating from that line of thinking, I imagine the ghosts of our past either serve as reminders

of the things we regret, 

of the kind of person we used to be (good or bad is up to you), 

of situations that we need to learn from,

or are just of the people whom we used to be close to at a particular point of time and they helped shape the you of today.

I know that saying that we’re all (possibly) being haunted by the ghosts of our past sounds pretty melodramatic and superfluous, but I personally think that it’s not entirely a bad thing. 

Think of it this way. When you look back at the you of your past, and all the dumb things you’ve said and done. Then that moment when you cringe cause you know that you were being so dumb, but you actually thought that you were "cool” at that point. I think of that as an example of being haunted by the ghosts of our past. 

I know we all wish that we were always all cool and “woke”, but that really isn’t realistic. If you think about it though, that moment of cringe when you look back at your idiocy, I think that’s testament to your growth. At least you can say that now, you know better.

Then there’s the flip side whereby the ghosts of our past should really just remain there. In the damn past. No haunting needed.

Let’s contextualise this to the current digital age of social media, where people might dig up every single darn thing from your past, simply cause it’s there. Especially so if they could make you out to be a horrible person. Everyone is worried about getting caught being a moronic ignorant dick online nowadays. 

What if my future employer sees this?

What if the school I want to get into finds out I’m not a “woke” individual?

What if people think I’m a lazy asshole?

Suddenly, our online presence has to be carefully monitored. Just in case someone decides to ruin you and make you out to be someone you’re not.

Those instances are when I think that the ghosts of our past would be a supreme pain in the ass. Even as I write this now, I wonder if I would be haunted by my writing. Or if someone is going to bring this up and rub it in my face about how much of an idiot I sound like. 

But trust me, when it comes to judging myself, I don’t need any assistance from the ghosts of my past. My current self already judges on behalf of my future self. Constantly thinking if 10 years from now when I look back, would I be cringing in horror.

Ultimately, I think it’s up to the individual to decide what to make of a particular moment. If it would be something positive to look back at like a guardian angel ghost of a good friend, or a pain in the ass poltergeist making a ruckus. 

[kucing02-musings]

First

I had spent so much time debating with myself if I would be able to be maintain a consistent schedule to pursue writing on a weekly basis. The consistency of my writing aside, there was also the tiny voice in my head telling me to consider very carefully if I would be able to take the embarrassment of looking back on this and thinking “holy crap you sounded so dumb/naive/depressing/lame”. But I think that’s the point sometimes. Looking back at a time of your life when you could potentially have different views and experiences compared to the person you’ve become at that point in time. Where you can really see for yourself how far you’ve come (and likely cringe from the experience).

So here it goes. The start of something that I will hopefully be more consistent with maintaining. My very first post.

Everyone experiences a multitude of firsts. 

Your first winter experience. Your first time playing in the rain. Your first time riding a bicycle. Your first time getting on a plane. Your first day of school.

A multitude of firsts, with the most memorable coinciding with the hallmark milestones of an individual’s life that happens for the first and (usually) last time.

Of those that I can think of that are relevant to me, it includes graduating university, getting my first job, working on my own company, and (soon to be) getting married. All these amazing firsts and experiences, and all I can think about are the people that I am sharing these firsts with. Or rather, the person that I won’t be able to share these firsts with.

It’s an incredible feeling to experience these moments with the people you love. Those people who come to mind immediately when you have life-changing news to share. Or just news of the first time you ever did something in general. I have been most fortunate to always have people who love me and whom I love supporting me through it all surrounding me.

But we always can’t help but think about the what if.

In my case, I think of what if my late dad were here to go through these milestones with me. I spend a lot of time thinking about what he would say or think about where I am in life. Or how different the experiences would be if he were here.

Today marks the fifth year of his passing. Truth be told, I have been coping with my grief. His loss will never be forgotten, but it has been especially apparent lately as I go through the preparation needed for my wedding. 

Little tidbit for those who don’t know - for Muslim unions, the brides will require a Wali to consent to the union. The Wali is basically the person who is responsible for the bride's life during her singledom. Usually, the role of the Wali is filled by the bride’s father. 

I suppose the reason why the loss of my dad is more noticeable lately can be deduced accurately given the aforementioned paragraph. It goes without saying, a different sort of arrangement is needed given his passing.

Trust me. There is really a lot of truth to the phrase “you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. To whoever reading this, I hope that you never take the people you love for granted. Cause you really never know when would be the last time you could share your firsts with them.