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all the love in my stupid little heart is for u

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Sometimes in life things happen to you, and you can’t understand them. For a while now I’ve been keeping to myself, putting on a smile and convincing myself that everything was ok. It’s funny how we as humans deny even to the depth of our hearts that we are doing just fine, as we break down inside, hiding it even from ourselves. I alway used to say that happiness is a choice. That we have to choose to be happy and live our lives as such. The first time I went through this nine years ago, that’s exactly what I did. I chose to push it all deep down and forget it and pretend that it didn’t matter.

Now here I sit, almost ten years later, and the pressure of being happy and being ok has absolutely taken over my entire body. There was a constant weight on my chest, even breathing, such a simple task, became impossible. I’m quiet, because I second guess every step I take, every thought I have, and there are only a select few I don’t worry about being “normal” around.

I have ADHD, Anxiety and Depression. Saying these words this morning absolutely broke my heart. Making that phone call to make an appointment to get help was extremely hard for me. Nine years ago, I promised myself I would never let myself feel this way again. I promised that I would control everything, and I’d be ok. I’d smile, be happy, learn how to control my ADHD and be a “normal” person. I would fit in, and no one would ever know that I had ever struggled. The more I tried, the harder it became.

I have been up for 39+ straight hours. My anxiety has crashed my body completely. My brain is fried as I sit here trying to pour my emotions out. My head is pounding. My eyes are bloodshot. But my mind won’t stop. My body won’t stop fidgeting. I can’t stop thinking about random shit that doesn’t even matter. How is this even possible that my body is completely exhausted, but my nerves are running a million miles an hour and keep my body running, no matter the consequences or damage.

I could barely speak because I was overfilled with emotion as the women came on the phone and asked what I needed to be seen about. My voice kept cracking that I had to repeat myself three times before she understood me. She told me they had no openings, but they had a walk-in clinic that I could go to and wait in line until someone could see me. I had called many different locations with no luck before deciding to head to the clinic. When I finally walked into the clinic, by some grace of God, an opening appeared on the schedule. I arrived at 11:30, and got the appointment at 11:45 even though there was a long line waiting to see these doctors.

I got in there, and started to speak to the behavioral health doctor about what was going on. He listened intently, asked me many questions, and then discussed what could possibly be going on. Something stuck out. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of, it’s held me back on so many occasions in life, and it’s not something I could ever prevent. ADHD is real. I live with it daily, and until the doctor explained to me today, I did not realize everything it can do to a child, and adult. Yes adults have ADHD. Yes adults try their damndest to hide the fact that they are being eaten up inside because they are supposed to behave a certain way. They hide that fact that they didn’t hear a word you just said because you have one grey hair, and there was dust falling off the desk after you pulled the chart off of it. They heard the words coming from your mouth, but their brain told them that the Pebble you accidentally kicked with your shoe was more important to focus on. (Random I know, but these are the exact things that pulled my attention as the doctor and I were speaking)

When the psychiatrist came in after, she only confirmed his findings. ADHD is not something that can be explained to people who do not experience it. I’ve felt ashamed as people talk about it being an excuse to drug children for no reason. It makes me upset that people think feeding pills to get rich is the reason “hyper and undisciplined children” are being diagnosed with ADHD.

My shame of who I am and the pressure to be normal and fit in caused me to hide the truth from all of you and myself even. No one likes to admit they aren’t imperfect.

Today I realized that I am not ok. Today I realized that years of pressure to be normal, to not take pills, and just control my behavior would never be enough. Today I was diagnosed with chronic depression for the second time in my life and uncontrolled ADHD, which is why I am so anxious and depressed.

Today I had to pack myself to four different Pharmacies because the other three didn’t have right amount of prescription that needed to be filled. Even though they were only a couple miles from each other, it felt like it took eight hours to just get my scripts filled. I have never felt as drained as I have today. Today I was put back on antidepressants and my ADHD medication that I haven’t taken in almost 10 years. Today a struggle of controlling everything myself came to an end. I broke, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Today I realized that I am not ok. But you know what? It’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to need help. It’s ok that you are at your wits ends, and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s ok. You don’t have to be happy all of the time. You don’t have to feel comfortable about everything you’re going through. You don’t have to wear your pride high and slowly break down inside, hiding your pain from the world.

Today I tore down all of my pride, all of my walls, and allowed myself to be broken. And because I have now taken down my expectations of myself to be happy all the time.. Tomorrow I will be able to start building myself back up to being truly happy. The last 48 hours have been really tough for me. My emotions have been all over the place. Mentally and physically drained, I took a huge step forward today, and I’m really proud of myself. Loving myself enough to be broken, and take the steps to fix the problems in my life. Such a bitter pill I had to swollen today, but so thankful that I finally have. Pain is not easy to go through, and I refuse to go through this alone anymore.

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“Don’t ever take people for granted, especially if they go out of their way to see you smile. Just please hold on to them and don’t push them away. They deserve more than to be treated as a door mat. And one day they won’t be there anymore and you’ll regret ever treating them like shit.”

— 1:47am

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“When someone encourages you to love yourself more than you love them, never let them go.”

—  Qiya Solihin

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I’m looking for her. The one I will wake up with every morning. The one who will frustrate me and drive me crazy, but will love me deeply. Someone who can trust me, and in return I can trust with every ounce of my body. Someone who will catch me, but always know I’ll be there to catch them at any moment in time. I’m not looking for just some girl, I’m looking for the girl.

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