kryzeeee

[kryzeeee]

November 07, 2023

I've always known that I was different since I was a little girl. A small, 10 year-old, fifth grader walking around tiptoed. I always had a hard time going with the flow. I always had a penchant for wanting to make my own.

I've never hated that part of me. I've always had a neutral view about it, meaning that it depends on the effects its' had on my actions and decisions. However, it doesn't mean there weren't any cause for doubts.

No, actually, deep down, there were never any doubts at all. Its' just that sitting next to her made things much clearer. Like a blinding light passing through a dark forest from the road nearby along with the blaring siren.

Thinking back, it was at best, unpleasant. Nowadays, it makes me feel freer yet more trapped at the same time. Knocking on closet doors hoping to bust out.

Sitting next to her, always put a smile to my face. Any time she smiled, her eyes lit up like fairy lights. She was the most beautiful girl I had sat next to. It wasn't that she was physically built like a goddess or something.

Now, don't get me wrong, its' not that she's ugly. She's beautiful. But, it wasn't her beauty that drew me to her. It was her personality, getting to know her was one of the most interesting journey of my life.

The touch of her fingertips was like cotton candy on my skin and her laughter was like tinkling of a xylophone, a gentle song in my eardrums. She was a masterpiece, a venerable art piece.

She was strength, she was grace, she was bravery, determination and intellect yet she was weakness, a clumsy mess, a scaredy cat and she had her stupid moments.

She wasn't perfect. However, that was what made her human. It made her more beautiful than she already was. She was genuine and honest of her dislike for other's actions, yet still polite. It was inspiring seeing her struggle with putting on a respectful face and controlling her speech everytime someone irritated her. But, anytime, someone crossed a line, she was not afraid to fight for herself like a fierce tiger defending her territory.

The determination she showed in ensuring that she wouldn't hurt other's feeling made her stand out from all the other people in any room she stood in. She inspired me to always see the good in others and taught me that there are limits to the kindness I bestow upon people, family, friends, or strangers.

She broke the monotony of my everyday life. She gave a sparkle to the sullen pages and color to the dull gray of my soul. She transformed the frown on my lips into a blinding smile. She has been one of the most important people in my life since last year.

I thought that every laughter, hugs and small touches on each other's cheeks meant something. I thought they were signs that she could have felt the same way about me, that I could have been more than a friend to her. I should have told her how I felt, maybe she did feel the same. But then again my cowardice won out because I was afraid that I could ruin what we already had.

Our friendship.

Something I thought I could have forever. But, like always, I was wrong. Our relationship was like fragile glass at the edge of the cliff. A single quake, it fell, and broke into tiny little shards and stuck themselves into the soles of my feet. All the steps toward you make them dig deeper into my flesh and a suffocating pain envelops my heart.

It hurts more as I get closer to you because I'm reminded of what we could have had. You, being so close to her, your hands on her cheeks, on her hips, your sneaky little comments about her cuteness and how you wish to take her home only solidifies the regret that I feel.

No, its not just regret that stims in my soul. The jealousy that I feel is begging to release itself, tied up by loose threads in the surface of my chest. It should have been me who comforted you as you cried, mourning your father's death. But, I understand thats selfish because I couldn't possibly relate.

I'm glad she was there beside you. She helped you build yourself back up. Not because I was unable to, but simply because she could and she wanted to. She was able to choose between letting you suffer alone with no one to lean on and lending you her ears. She made the brave choice that I should have chosen and for that I respect her.

Still, I should have been there beside you, listening to your words. Instead, I hid away from any sign of growing closeness to other people because I've always been afraid to get hurt. I know I shouldn't be jealous, I let it come to this.

I let everything we built together turn to ash, like a flightless, wet paper plane deemed useless, then burned in the blazing fire. You deserved someone open, genuine, brave, kind, and determined by your side. You deserve someone better.

I realize that's not me and it will never be.

You were one of the first people that inspired me to be genuine and for that, there will always be special place for you in my heart and I will always be there to help you in any way I can.

I regret that I wasn't able to maintain the friendship we once had. Yet, I'm thankful that I was able to end it the way it should.