krystlelife

[krystlelife]

I’m sitting at a crowded coffee shop right now, in tears, because I forgot the point of it all — you. I remember when I was pumped about everything. I quoted you in all my actions, seeked for your words in every item of clothing I put on me, worshiped and praised you but somehow, life happened. I became so consumed by pain and betrayal and confusion that I didn’t see that it was you who created the moon and the stars so I’ll be where you wanted me to be. My desires were yours and I was walking straight along the road that you had set.

I went off on my own without turning back and looking at you. My ears stopped swelling at the sound of your name.

My grandma used to sing “I Love You Lord” every night, because she meant for my life to be a sweet praise to God’s ears. But i forgot. I tried doing things myself.

I thought I loved these things, Jesus, but it’s you that I love. I am going to recover, recalibrate, and come back to you.

[krystlelife]

I’m sitting at a crowded coffee shop right now, in tears, because I forgot the point of it all — you. I remember when I was pumped about everything. I quoted you in all my actions, seeked for your words in every item of clothing I put on me, worshiped and praised you but somehow, life happened. I became so consumed by pain and betrayal and confusion that I didn’t see that it was you who created the moon and the stars so I’ll be where you wanted me to be. My desires were yours and I was walking straight along the road that you had set.

I went off on my own without turning back and looking at you. My ears stopped swelling at the sound of your name.

My grandma used to sing “I Love You Lord” every night, because she meant for my life to be a sweet praise to God’s ears. But i forgot. I tried doing things myself.

I thought I loved these things, Jesus, but it’s you that I love. I am going to recover, recalibrate, and come back to you.

[krystlelife]

Don't Stop

The fall of 2012 was the best follower I was to Jesus: I was in small groups, I regularly participated in church camps, and I constantly got perfect scores in my exams. The winter of 2012, on the other hand, was the absolute antipode. By summer, I was off to Spain, in a terrible relationship with my family, and stuck in Europe without a home. In the middle of fall and winter, Jesus became inconvenient. I fell deeply in love with a boy. He filled my heart and my life with him and all of a sudden, as he was a non-follower, going to small groups became time away from him. Back then, I had a group of friends who were all Christians. I remember having to lie and make excuses on why I am not able to sit next to them in class, in our weekly church, and even just to grab coffee. I knew in my heart that I was wrong but I was deeply ashamed of how far away I already was. The boy that I loved was never a terrible person but he valued independence. He always urged me to find myself and follow logic, which for him meant only believing in things that can be proven by science. My love for Jesus, wasn’t that. As God never plays well with other beliefs, my faith dwindled slowly. My parents saw this change in my perspectives and fights commenced. At first, I’d ask them questions like, if God loved us, why would there be hell? I blamed all sorts of pain to God. “Why couldn’t he stop the pain if he loves me like a father would? Why would my father want to see me in pain?” There was a time that I brought him to one of our church events. I remember praying that my boyfriend would find God. This way, all of my life would start to be cohesive again. I was constantly on my knees asking for miracles — to pass my classes and get in my major. I remember praying constantly but I never heard from Him. I figured that if He could move mountains, if He truly loved me, He will reveal Himself someday. I thought in those moments, God did not care about me. Needless to say, I became agnostic. I ran away and flew to Spain for three months. I studied in Madrid and lived with a Spanish family for the first two months and on the last, I was couch surfing with Christian Filipino families. Ironic, right? In my darkest days, I was saved by His people? Eventually, after our time in Spain, he left me. For several years, I was in and out of terrible flings. I filled my void with useless relationships, seeking for attention in the wrong places and people who were not able to give me their all. My friends betrayed me constantly. I was so broken. It wasn’t until my last break up that I decided to come back to Jesus, and realized how easy life could have been! I left my job in Los Angeles and decided to move to the Philippines to join a pageant. In all these steps, I would pray for instructions and with everything that I need, I am provided for. I needed a gown in the beginning of the competition and not only was I given a gown designer but my designer also provided me with training, a handler, and everything that I could ever need. I became connected to all the people who can help me with my advocacy. Every day when I wake up, I am assured that HIS grace is enough and I will receive provision in all my needs because this time he gave me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). This path that I’m walking on was paved by Him. There is this bizarre scripture in the bible where Jesus says, “ I wish you were cold or hot, not lukewarm (Revelations 3:15-16).” Jesus wants you to make a stance and show where your loyalties lie. Being lukewarm to your walk with Christ, will make your life fall apart. Thus, giving your life to Jesus will align everything. Dialing it back will add to your frustration and as you’ve seen made me lose myself. On Hebrews 11, Paul wrote a letter to Jewish people who were taught hundreds of laws and now are told about Jesus but by the time they received this letter life has gotten hard. They were getting persecuted and fed to lions in arenas. It said, “The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God this faith is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. By faith, we see the world called into existence by God’s word, what we see is created by what we don’t see. By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That’s what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.” In this chapter, God tells us to keep moving. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. On Hebrews 12, it is said, “Do you see what this means — all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running — and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep you eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race that we are in.” When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility He plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls. Make an intentional consistent life and straighten the path before your feet and all your ways will be sure. As Noah was building a boat on dry land to follow God’s promise, he was blessed. He pushed through what was seen for what was not seen was truer. God fulfills His promises even when it is hard and even when it gets difficult to understand what is going on. It is is time to stretch and keep going and make do what you told God that you are going to do. Life seeks to insulate and inundate you. Life is not about just going through the day but it is going to heaven and loving His people. Keep moving, and keep progressing. Don’t stop.

[krystlelife]

Thingies -- what do I even write here?

Ha!

It's interesting to see myself in the blogosphere once a gain, after several attempts in my childhood. I thought the days of krystyled.com and xanga were over but somehow in momentary loneliness, I come back to writing.

I was never a good writer. In fact, I’ve always thought I was only a good writer when I am heart broken and even so, I hated reading my work post-post-breakup. It also seemed cheesy and not worthy of documentation. I could never commit to the words I’ve said in the past. That and I was always around the best writers. I remember not even having the heart to turn in any of my essays until my former boyfriend, who was an English major, proofread my work. By proofreading, I mean stripping my sentences until only periods were left. He would rewrite everything, which also probably contributed to my insecurity.

But here we are, lambasting my ephemeral thoughts for the whole internet to see.

/anyway, this came to me today —

Last year, I chaperoned a date with my friend and this Irish man, who had a juicery.. so of course, I obliged! We went to an expensive vegan thai restaurant and ordered all the curry (Ya, ya, ya.. All these unnecessary details just tell you why I agreed but otherwise moot). Afterwards, we decided to drink at an Irish pub (because he knew all of the bartenders). A few drinks after, he told me that he was attracted to me at first but my naivite drew him away. I think he said something like I was too much of a unicorn moving at a different pace: my generosity and openness were too dumb for a world that is so full of hate.

I became so resentful towards everyone after that. All of a sudden, I had to prove to myself how mean I was. I grew a resting bitch face. Somehow my intelligence became correlated to my lack of compassion. For a while, I thought he was right. The world is evil, why be nice? Have I forgotten how many times I’ve been hurt in the past?

All this is funny looking at myself now. On my day to day, I go out of my way to help people around me. Maybe, if you’re still thinking like a realist, I get a high from my faux-altruism but I feel as if I’m so prideful of where life has brought me that I want to bring people to where I have been and where I am (huh?). I love being generous with information and my social network.

In other words, I gave away my outlet spot to this lady who had a dying MacBook and braved the cold with a dead laptop.

I thought I would never get out of the rut that I was in. I was just a sad human and that was all there is.

But here we are (part 2)

PS. My ex boyfriend would probably hate all the redundancy… Lol

[krystlelife]

Hmm

Hello, world.