kristsingto

[kristsingto]

tagged by my dear friend @gaiaxygang ^_^ <3

favorite color: pink (of the more red than purple-ish variety) and light blue

watching: i’m currently following watanare and bad girl. will probably start watching enigma black stage soon, also.

currently reading: … too much to list. but i just started the myth of sisyphus by albert camus and females by andrea long chu.

last song: happy lucky chappy by ano

last film: scott pilgrim vs. the world. can’t believe i didn’t watch it until now

last series: anime is takopi’s original sin, live action is the ex-morning! both really touched my heart.

last song you sang out loud: phantom of the opera for some reason?

coffee or tea: i never drink coffee but i sometimes drink barley tea

currently craving: seafood of many kinds

sweet/savory/salty: salty but i need balance for a harmonious diet!

last place you went other than home: work

earbuds/headphones: definitely the former. my partners through life

favorite chips: no opinion because i don’t like chips much, but typically a more basic flavor.

color that looks good on you: honestly no idea? probably black?

working on: a fic for a fic exchange and losing it over the homestuck animated

tagging @calidirk

[kristsingto]

The Ex-Morning Ep.10 || Krist & Singto ❶ ❷ ❸ ↳ 20/?

[kristsingto]

10 people you'd like to know better

Thank you for tagging me @nuandia! Was a lot of fun to go through.

last song: Logged on Spotify to check, and it was Q by Siinamota/PowapowaP. It’s a dear song to my heart – rest in peace.

last book: I jump around a lot, so my currently reading list is around twenty books, lol. The last book I finished is A Short History of Transmisogyny by Jules Gill-Peterson, and the book I’ve been reading most recently is The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa.

last movie: My head totally blanked on this, but I think it was The Muppets (2011). 

favorite color: Pink and light blue! My favorite shade of pink has been tickled pink since I was a kid. As for blue, probably baby blue. Pastels!

spicy, sweet, or savory: Hmm, honestly, all three, but of those three, probably savory at the moment. Need me a savory meal later today. Love all of ‘em, though. What would we do without sweet desserts, savory dinners, and spicy foods?

last show: I’m watching The Ex-Morning, Bad Girl, and WataNare weekly. I think anyone who knows me is well aware of the first, so I won't elaborate. The other two are classified as a CGDCT comedy and a Yuri romcom anime. Though, I basically consider both of these shows Yuri romcoms.

current obsession: KristSingto, as always, of course! But I’ve also been playing a lot of Hades lately (just finished my second successful run). last search: I think I looked up angst soulmate AU ideas? I'm in writer's block and wanted some help. It did not save me from the pits of writer's block, but I had a good time looking through all of the diabolical ideas.

looking forward to: My next semester of university, actually. I’m excited for my classes. Just one more year until the end of my bachelors!

Aaaah I don't know who to tag so I'll keep it open to anyone who wants to join! Open invitation. I'll only tag @gaiaxygang lol ^_^

[kristsingto]

The Ex Morning EP7 gifs

[kristsingto]

"THE EX-MORNING" AND KARMIC CYCLES

Y'know, I think there might be some Buddhism going on in this series made in a country where Buddhism is super influential to the culture.

I'm tagging @hallowpen in case they want to critique or add anything since I'm basing most of this on conversations I've had with them about karma and Thai culture. \:D/ (Baby's first Buddhist meta!)

Okay so here goes: I think we could be watching a story about breaking karmic cycles, lads.

Like, here, I went back to episode 2 and rewatched this scene:

Their professor tells them that they complement each other because their strengths and weaknesses align. So when they're in balance, they're perfect together.

The trouble is that they weren't balanced. Because of Tam.

We also have Yong emphasizing the same point in the last scene of episode 2:

He says, "This clip has shown me that both of you are good in different ways," which is, crucially, the first time he's recognizing this about them. I mean, one could argue that based on the flashback in episode 7, Yong has been under the impression that Phi was dependent on Tam.

Not the other way around.

See, what I really like about Tam's reason for leaving is that it was selfish. Because he also has an arc. The bigger arc, actually, because Phi has basically completed his now.

This is where I think Phi's main arc ended.

Hear me out!

Tam is his arc. I know some viewers raised an eyebrow at Phi asking Tam to get back together before he knew the reason why Tam left, but I think he made the conscious choice to reconnect without knowing as a gesture of forgiveness. 1) Buddhism is heavy on forgiveness, and, maybe more importantly: 2) Phi broke his karmic cycle and narratively earned himself his relationship with Tam back.

Phi tells Tam that he thought he knew Tam better than anyone, but he knows now that he was wrong because he was still blindsided by what Tam did to him. They couldn't get back together without something changing first, and it's this: having recognized that his pride was part of their weak foundation, Phi opens up to Tam through his newfound humility. His only condition for them getting back together is that they resolve what he seems to see as his biggest failing in their relationship: his ego.

Narratively, Phi was always going to get back with Tam not just because it's a romantic comedy and duh:

But because from the moment they met, Phi has literally never wanted anything more than he wants Tam.

Tam is Phi's sun, and Phi is Tam's world. They're quite literally named so they're connected (Pathapi: "earth", Tamtawan: "following the sun"). Without Tam, Phi has no vibrancy, and without Phi, Tam has no purpose. But together, they also run the risk of being too codependent.

Hence: balance.

Phi was established from episode one to have a want vs. need arc: he wants his career back, but he needs Tam. Now that he has his need resolved (Tam), he'll likely spend the remaining episodes trying to get his want (career).

This means, delightfully for me, that Phi is a false POV character.

Because this story's central character is actually Tam.

[we all miss the turtleneck don't we]

The title of the series refers to Tam.

The English title is "The Ex-Morning" (the name of the show they're creating) but the Thai title is: "The Ex Always Changes" (which is based on a Thai phrase about the weather being mercurial), so this series is definitively about Tam. That's why his overall arc is the bigger one, the one that took longer to unpack, and likely the one that'll stretch to the end of the series.

Tam's arc is about breaking his own karmic cycle in which he continually gives up everything he has for Phi's benefit.

It's literally part of Tam's song "Consent":

He doesn't like living like this. He's painfully aware that from the start of their relationship, he's always prioritized Phi over himself to his own detriment, and he knows it's making him miserable.

Buuut he's still not being totally honest about it. So his character arc isn't done. As of episode 7, he's only now trying to take a step back so Phi can stand on his own.

This scene in episode two has a whole bunch of new meaning to it now that we know what we know about Tam as a character. Initially, I wondered what Tam's tone was when he says, "If I lose, you'll never see my face again. Are you okay with that?" I think he's literally offering this to Phi. As in, "Not only will I quit, I'll leave, and this time I won't come back or bother you again."

Obviously, this isn't what Phi meant, and it's clear from both of them crying afterward that it's not what either of them actually wants.

But it shows that from episode one, even after four years apart, Tam's still as self-destructive as he was when he made the choice to leave.

After one critique from their boss, Tam gave up his career and his home in the name of Phi's success. And he valued himself so little in the process that he didn't expect it to shatter Phi the way it did.

The one bit of evidence Tam had to back up this assumption was when he saw firsthand how quickly Phi got over his seemingly (but not actually, apparently!) hopeless crush on Paul by dating him. He went from best friend to rebound and never saw enough value in himself to realize it was because Phi actually does love him more than anyone.

What I like most about Tam deciding to leave the country is that he didn't do that part for Phi. Tam left Thailand because he didn't trust himself not to try and do everything for Phi again.

In this episode, we saw that his "let's break up" text was deliberately hurtful. He started out with something much, much kinder, if still cowardly. (Breaking up a loving, three-year relationship by text is only okay if you're trapped in an avalanche, kids.)

Tam was so convinced he was going to hurt Phi's chances at fulfilling his dream that he deliberately texted Phi in the way most likely to hurt him so Phi wouldn't try to get him to stay. Tam, in all his twenty-three-year-old wisdom, probably expected Phi to recover the same way he did when his crush on Paul seemed to fall through.

One could argue (and I am!) that Tam was much more dependent on Phi than the reverse. (And it might explain why Tam's mother isn't a big fan of Phi if she thought Phi was actively taking advantage of Tam rather than just, y'know, being aggressively coddled by her son.)

That's why Tam doesn't stand up for himself when Phi confronted him: he doesn't think he was in the right for what he did. He starts the episode by saying it was the worst mistake of his life. He calls himself the villain! But the reason he did it is consistent with everything we've seen of him.

He values Phi over himself every single time an opportunity presents himself.

And I think he didn't tell Phi in the bathroom scene in episode three because he didn't want Phi to know that Yong chose him over Phi while Phi was willing to humiliate himself to get his career back. It would have been genuinely cruel to do that to him considering what he'd just experienced.

I suspect Tam was planning to tell Phi after Phi's career was back on track.

But I also think Phi nailed it in this part:

I don't think Tam ever intended to come back to Thailand when he decided to leave, and I think he might have actually wanted to leave again when he thought Phi had everything he needed.

I think that changed as they spent more time together and Tam just wanted to have Phi back, but for real: I do not think Tam had a plan. One phone call from Yong and Tam left Australia to start his post-graduate career helping his ex resurrect his broken career. I think he's making this shit up as he goes along, lads. Hence all the "Ex Always Changes" thing.

I ran out of screenshots but this part is also crucial. Tam admits the contradiction of blocking Phi everywhere so he wouldn't be tempted while also saying every text and phone call made him hope somehow it was Phi. He says it only took one call from Yong to bring him back to where he was.

In response, Phi tells Tam that time doesn't make you forget, it just makes you strong enough to remember what we've been through. (Which is a banger of a line, holy shit.) Which lines up perfectly with all the flashbacks we've been getting to show us what their relationship was like and why it fell apart.

Episode three is completely about karmic cycles. The series literally shows us a transition from Phi and Tam arguing in university to arguing in the same way in the present. They were stuck in a pattern of behavior, and only now has Phi broken free of a major one.

Tam's is next.

Because despite the premise of the series making it seem like Pathapi is the one who has the most to change, Tam is actually much further behind in his arc. All Phi needed was, frankly, any support system since Tam was not only his boyfriend but his only actual friend (lol).

But Tam's need is more abstract than that, so it's gonna take him longer to get there.

As for the meta aspects, it's not a perfect one-to-one with KristSingto's lives, but it is related. PhiTam are the same age, but Singto's a year older than Kit, and through their first chapter working together, Singto clearly felt like he had to take care of Kit in a lot of ways. He was his nong from school and now, even though they were both new to the industry, Kit was still younger, more carefree, and also a notorious people-pleaser, so he did frankly need someone like Singto to ground him. But Singto's said he tried too hard to be cool, to appear unaffected, and he's doing that less now. He's loosened up a lot, and I think it's because Kit matured. Obviously Kit still adores him and needs him to a degree because we all have people we need, but he's not dependent on him anymore. They're strong as individuals now and working together by choice, so in that regard, I think the parallel to PhiTam works beautifully.

I continue to love my domestic little series about exes who are cosmically obsessed with each other. :')

TEAM TAM!!!

[kristsingto]

THEORY TIME WITH DETECTIVE KEY!!!

Okay, so. Potential spoilers for "The Ex-Morning," so proceed with caution, oui?

We're finding out in episode seven why Tam left, so!

TIME TO SPECULATE BEFORE WE GET TOLD!!!

First things first, they've got the same outfits in these two scenes:

So it's the same day, just different times of day. I'm gonna guess that since Phi sounds like he's on the verge of crying when he says, "I know why you left me that day," the top image is the scene where he and Tam finally talk about it. He certainly looks the appropriate level of distressed and traumatized.

The bottom image is likely later that same day, and Phi's clearly come to terms with whatever it is, enough that he's not angry with Tam. The whole vibe of that kiss seems fairly composed, so I imagine they're on more even footing by then.

And I mean, even in the top image, Phi's crying, but he's also hugging Tam pretty tightly while Tam strokes his hair, so….

Obviously there's no excusing how he left, but I've been banking on the reason being a mix of external and internal from the beginning.

'Cos here's the thing: I'm pretty sure there was some kind of threat behind it.

The series literally began with Phi and Tam investigating illegal activity as students with Phi talking on camera about how this local drug business could be connected to a member of government. They made this video for a competition, so I doubt their footage was ever made public, but they did get multiple people arrested, so it probably made the news news. The actual news.

And in the trailer, we have Phi saying, "Sorry for putting you through all this."

That, to me, seems like he could be apologizing in general: if he hadn't blown up at Tae, Tam wouldn't have come back, and maybe if they hadn't been so clumsy about their first major investigation together, whatever theoretically happened to make Tam leave wouldn't have happened, either.

I think Yong knows, and I think Paul found out through him.

And I think Paul told Phi.

I actually suspected Tam wouldn't be the one to tell Phi in the end. It seems like he's struggled with open communication all along, but also:

If the reason he left was that the award that landed Phi his job also endangered them, I can see Tam not wanting to tell Phi that it was technically his own fault in the midst of Phi trying to rebuild his career - a career he only got because he broke down crying during an interview after Tam broke up with him.

Then I can see why he's reluctant to tell Phi. If it's also Phi's fault, he doesn't want to kick him when he's down.

Like, "Okay, so not only was your career breakthrough ruined by my leaving, I'm also going to ruin one of your happiest memories by telling you the thing we won an award for also ended up fucking up everything."

It's also super possible that if this theory is true, then Tam doesn't blame Phi at all. After all, they were a team, and Tam did the research side of things. He might entirely blame himself.

Anyway, I think that's what that scene with Paul is: telling Phi the reason why Tam left because it's urgent enough that Paul feels okay with going over Tam's head.

Like, Yong definitely knows. There's this shot of a flashback scene from the behind-the-scenes special of Tam going in to talk to Yong, and he's

Same outfit from the flashback that starts episode 3 in which Phi gets the interview he'll fall apart doing because of Tam's breakup text.

Interestingly, we also get these flashback shots of Yong presumably back when he and Gaogie were dating/engaged:

So we might find out some stuff about him too.

Still many missing pieces, but I'm delighted with this week's episode. Went in a total curveball that made me go, "Ooooh," as a writer because it's not the direction I would have gone, but it's also really good. I would've been a little sad if they only got together at the very end, and I like that Phi took that leap of faith.

Time to rewatch again byeeee!

[kristsingto]

It was you. No, it was you.

[kristsingto]

I have to taste it then.

[kristsingto]

TEAM TAM TAKES A STAND [EPISODE 5 EDITION]

THE DEFENSE FOR MY CLIENT TAMTAWAN HAS ARRIVED.

I need to rewatch this episode eighteen more times to get my head more fully around it, but I wanted to talk about how I thought the main point of this episode was done very well. Namely, showing the audience that Tam has had reason to believe that Phi has been careless with his heart and his feelings in the past.

The very first thing we get as the episode starts is this flashback in which Tam reminds Phi of the promise they made before this visit: since Tam's mother is arriving on Saturday (which is presumably the next day) they're not going to do anything physical; they're only going to work. I got the impression from this that Tam's mother didn't know about their relationship, but either way, what matters is that Phi made Tam a promise.

This is immediately followed by a sequence of sexy flashbacks confirming that they did not, in fact, only do work.

And we also know from later on in the episode that Phi started it and broke his promise to Tam:

["key did you just make this post to post these screenshots?" NO I AM GOING TO MAKE A SEPARATE HORNY POST ON MAIN LIKE A RESPECTABLE CREATURE OF BASE INTEREST THANK YOU VERY MUCH]

Like, Tam does totally go along with it, so it's not like Phi forced him. That's not the point I'm making. It's just important to note that Tam asked Phi not to do anything three times:

1) Before they got to the house 2) Before they went into the house, and 3) Literally while Phi is making moves on him

I think Tam went to those lengths because he knew himself well enough to know that if Phi did start something, he wouldn't be able to tell him no. After all, look at that last frame! Phi asks him, "Can I do this a little?" while kissing Tam's neck. He is technically asking permission, and Tam doesn't tell him no, but this is after Tam has already asked him not to three times!!!

So it seems like the narrative is showing us a particular flaw in their previous relationship: that Tam often gave in and let Phi have whatever he wanted, and Phi was happy to take and take from him, probably without even noticing he was doing it.

Until…

HE TOOK IT TOO FAR, YOUR HONOR.

When Phi came back from grocery shopping, he left the door open:

I was sitting there with cat roommate senses like, "Close the door, close the door, close the door, close the fucking door!!!" wondering if it was a production mistake or if the characters just didn't care.

But then…

Tam notices mid-kiss that the door's still open and starts to panic that Sosay's gotten out.

Phi, less fond of the cat and more interested in making out, makes the point that Sosay was a stray and she can handle herself.

Let's break down the whole argument, shaaall we? :D

Phi says, "She'll come back. Let's keep going." Assuming the flashbacks are linear, they've already slept together (at least) once, so Phi's going for another round. Another round after the one Tam asked him not to pursue!

When Phi keeps pressing him, Tam snaps at him, and crucially, Phi looks confused.

Tam is basically like, "I am no longer thinking about sex, I am thinking about my missing cat."

To which Phi is all,

"She's a stray, she can take care of herself. Why are you so worried?" Or, translated: "But I want to have sex with my hot boyfriend."

And Tam is correctly like, "Cool, you don't care about my cat, but you also don't care about me since I am visibly distraught about my cat. Also, you keep trying to sleep with me when I told you that was off the table."

Critically, even though Phi broke his promise, it was only this time when Phi left the door open and Sosay got out that Tam actually stopped him. And I think the reason he loses his temper like this is because he was telling himself he should have stopped him before.

Like, this is definitely Turned On but I detect a bit of annoyance there, too.

Also, check out this subtle moment!

This is the same night they found Sosay! (Or Sosay found them.) Tam finishes working on whatever they came to work on, and Phi gives him a massage. Notably, Tam thinks Phi being sweet and accommodating is weird.

And, tellingly, Phi isn't actually doing it to be sweet and accommodating. Moments after making Tam beam so happily, Phi goes in to bite his ear and kiss his neck and bulldozes past Tam's reminder of the promise he made.

Tam thought Phi was giving him a massage to be kind.

Phi was actually doing it to get laid.

But again, what makes this a really good conflict is that one could assume that from Phi's perspective, Tam isn't making it super clear that this is a boundary he doesn't want crossed. You can almost see in Tam's face when he tells himself it doesn't matter. That what he asked Phi for wasn't that important, really.

But isn't it kind of heartbreaking to watch that moment of Phi cradling Tam's face in his hands and think maybe Tam believed this was a simple act of kindness. That Phi really did just want to give him a massage and tell him he did well.

That for all he does for Phi day in and day out, he got some affection that stayed within the night-long boundaries he asked Phi to respect?

Perhaps from Phi's perspective, he was just being affectionate. No one was actually home, after all. He probably didn't think Tam was going to be upset and hurt when he pushed him for sex. We can see he didn't take the promise super seriously even at the start of the episode where he salutes in the adorable way he does. It's a very, "Sure, sure, I promise. Wink~"

Like, if you haven't watched Singto's solo MV "Consent" from Tam's perspective, absolutely go give it a watch, because it's very clear that Tam has an extremely different perspective of their relationship. (Also, Singto has the sweet and mellow voice of an angel and he does not get enough love for it.)

Phi's greatest grievance in his song is how Tam left him.

But Tam has specific complaints from their actual relationship.

Obviously, the best thing to do when one has issues in one's relationship is to talk about the issues with one's partner, but if characters did everything right all the time, then we wouldn't get stories about ex-boyfriends who squabble and then have sex about it.

I think Phi's not getting Tam's breakup reason because there's some piece of it Tam can't tell Phi yet, but I think we're not getting the reason because the narrative put us squarely on Phi's side in the first episode, and now it's gradually showing us that Phi wasn't an angel.

Think about how much we knew about Phi from the start: his job, his condo, all his possessions, his colleagues, his boss, his reputation, his fanbase, his university days, his ex-boyfriend, his award, his billboard, etc.

Now think about what we knew about Tam in episode one: he studied abroad in Australia. He dated Phi. They broke up. He's really hot. He came back because Yong said, "If you still love him, come back."

We spent all of episode four with Phi's mother.

It's only in episode five that Tam's is mentioned.

And I think this is all very intentionally and cleverly laid out. Because Phi already knows a lot of what we're going to see, but his perspective is going to change. Like in this episode, he relives the night Tam adopted Sosay, which was also a night they fought and Phi went out to find Tam's cat to make amends.

We're literally seeing that Phi's capable of changing for the better when Tam tells him directly what he wants or needs. I think that could be the lesson Tam needs to learn.

Hard to say without the second half, but that's the impression I'm getting from the setup we have so far.

Anyway JUSTICE FOR TAM MY SON IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

The defense rests.

[kristsingto]

"They have trackers on each other's phones" theory gains more evidence

[kristsingto]

Idk y’all. Tamtawan getting quickly attached to Phi’s family last episode and worked up over/narratively paralleled to a stray cat this episode makes me think we might want to hold off on judging the problematic behavior of a queer character that the story is foreshadowing has legitimate abandonment trauma related to his family, but y’all can post whatever screeds you want, I guess.

[kristsingto]

How do Phi and Tam escape repeating the past?

So far, the events of their interlocked pasts continue to repeat in the present day. They bicker over the direction of their journalism, and the ghosts of their previous argument echo as they continue to disagree. They’re physically taken back to their university days, with the same person telling them to stick together. The pork skewers tie together their past and present as they continue to retrace the footsteps of the past - but perhaps with a different ending.

Phi and Tam hold on to their objects from the past. Particularly, Tam does, with the memory museum he calls a bedroom. He bitterly holds onto parts of their romance, from their meeting, the handkerchief, the flowers, the lip balm, and whatever else. Morning Love, the series’ theme song, is similarly object focused. Phi holds onto his tumbler from years ago. Holds onto Tam. And Tam does the same.

As Phi returns to his childhood home, so does he return to a more childish self. And to a life before he lost Tam. Tam returns to memories of when his pining finally became requited, and they dance around each other in the bed Phi grew up in, and in which they kissed for the first time. But this time, while, they don’t kiss, and there are no sweet get-togethers, they both flirt with the possibility. Just barely resisting the past. Even as they live out their past, a mimicry of what once was.

As their story keeps on reaffirming, everything has changed, after all. Phi is different. Tam is different. And they operate in another world, with baggage they once did not have.

But they are also the same. Despite everything, the same coals are lit. This sets a precedent for the events that follow that trip down to Phi’s childhood home. Their relationship is lit once more. They’ve held onto their love for each other — their attraction. They repeat the past. The intimacy. Their bodies, together. The burning fire that kept them together.

But they’ve held onto their bitter resentment as well. Tam and Phi lash out at each other, both holding with them the anger of the past. How many times have they fought in that same house? What are all of the little bitter feelings, and large crushing emotions, that were working through them in those fights?

In both fights shown in the episode, by the end, they have reconciled somewhat, seen through their intimacy. But even more so, this echoes the past. Of working turning into sex, of Phi running after a cat who left and bringing them back (both with Sosay or Tam). In these cases, Phi is able to bring them back home. He runs out after initially dismissing it — desperate — and he’s able to find both just at the right time.

But all know how this story, if repeated, ends, by virtue of the first episode. Tam leaves.

So how do Phi and Tam change things for good? How do they escape the patterns they keep falling into? The memories etched into their bodies, lives, the objects around them? That is to be seen. But next episode, as we get introduced to Paul in-person, I wonder how much will be the same as the memories, and what will be different. How do they get a different ending? How do you get a different ending with the same person —?

Probably if you’ve both changed, far past what led to your original ending. And if The Ex-Morning is about anything, I think it’s about change. Change for the worse, for the better, and simply the new. But also what hasn’t changed, such as love.

[kristsingto]

The Ex Morning EP5 gifs

[kristsingto]

What the flashbacks really reinforce to me is how strongly Tam sees his worth to Phi to be in relation to the service he can provide for him, and how his view of that inherently excludes himself. The behavior is really obvious in each episode of the series - and I think that it's definitely core to the main problem within their otherwise idyllic past relationship.

The dynamic is sweet, but you can really see where it can go wrong, and how Phi can easily be unaware of the problem.

"How could Earth survive without the light of the sun, right? So, you have to keep being the sun and shining your light for me, okay?" "Sure. I'll support you forever." "Even if everyone else is mean to me, you're kind to me, Tawan." "You see? I'll always need your help." "I have you by my side. I have nothing to be afraid of, right?" "Oh, buddy. You're the best. You really pay attention to me." "You're important to me. You help me with everything without me even asking. Thank you so much for helping me with everything." "I was really heartbroken but I feel better now. Tam helped me a lot. Mom, Tam is a really good guy. So good that I wanted to bring him to meet you and show that you don't have to worry about me when I'm in Bangkok. I feel really lucky to have Tam. So much that I think... I want to be with him. As boyfriends.”

In the majority of all cases, Tam is supporting/helping/doing things in service of Phi. Of course, Phi greatly appreciates it, and makes that clear through dialogue. And I doubt that Phi would ever want to pressure Tam into having to always help him out, but I think it makes sense that Tam felt a sense of pressure. After all, Phi's rationale in loving Tam within his words tends to highlight Tam's support of him.

Paired with low self-esteem, a relationship dynamic where he is the helper, and perhaps seeing himself as a rebound after Phi's heartbreak over a crush (Phi had been crying over Paul just the night before they got together!) it makes sense that he would feel like he has to give in, has to prioritize Phi's dreams over his own (especially if his have less passion than Phi's).

What was Tam holding back before he left? Did it explode? Until we know, I’m going to loop Consent and consider how to get a fictional character therapy.

[kristsingto]

The Ex Morning EP4 gifs

[kristsingto]

Came back empty-handed, then even tried to get on his nerves! True!

[kristsingto]

I woke up at 4 and was like "I'll get back to sleep" but then I looked at tumblr and now I have to blog about gay television!#justlittlepridemonththings

But yeah I want to share my take on The Ex-Morning! Because I feel unwaveringly certain as of now that Tam was externally pressured to leave Phi. Between his foreshadowing-y recklessness at the CCTV catching them doing PDA at work, and that absolutely gutting conversation where he asked if "we" would ever be ready for marriage, clearly meaning "our society as a whole" as much as he meant "our relationship after I leave you tomorrow morning", I have no doubts whatsoever that this was not a choice he made for a single voluntary reason. Whether someone actually threatened Phi's career or just maliciously reminded Tam their relationship could fuck everything up for Phi, and he internalized that to his core, I do not know, but I remain absolutely certain that he did not make the choice to leave on his own steam and that we have been given all the cues that the steam behind him was external and weaponized homophobia.

In some ways this is less interesting to me than if there had been real unresolved problems in their relationship that drove an immature, conflict-avoidant Tam away instead of acknowledging or working through them, but I didn't honestly truly expect that from a GMMTV show, I just... hope one day we will get an Exes QL that lets the relationship be that level of realistically fraught (side note: first reaction to clocking homophobia as the breakup reason was "oh my god, that's so Chaser Game W of them").

Nonetheless, the "Do you think we'll ever get there?" conversation was soooooooo devastatingly acted that I truly can no longer remember why I wanted anything but meowmeow4meowmeow from this ship lolol

Plus, there is something absolutely wonderful and unexpected to me about how their relationship progressed this episode that could not have happened if there were deeper unresolved issues between them. I typically really hate it when crucial backstory is drawn out til the last possible minute for climactic endgame reveal reasons, but that's because it usually does stand in the way of the relationship meaningfully moving forward in a way that won't be erased. So I LOVE how TEM has approached this: Tam is not ready to tell Phi why he left, but the fact that there IS a "why he left", that he is in so much visible pain about it, that he is no longer pretending he was never gone at all or that he didn't hurt Phi, that he's (explicitly!) sorry and he has SOMETHING he wants to tell Tam... that, itself, is a communication. That, itself, is more information than Phi has had for this entire brutal period of his life. Having confirmation that there is a reason Tam chose to leave that is still this hard to articulate surely must reassure Phi on at least some level that it is what we always hope for in these situations: he didn't just fall out of love with me, get bored, and leave without ever looking back. The huge fracture and rift that destroyed my life wasn't exclusively experienced on my side. He's not playing with me when he appears to still feel something for me now; he very possibly never stopped.

So when Phi shamelessly (and this really is his most toxic trait and I am so appreciative that he does still have such toxic traits lol) checks if Tam is ready to let him back in yet despite a lack of real explanation, it honestly makes total emotional sense to me that Tam's answer is "yeah, kind of." Because he doesn't have all the information he needs and deserves, but he has enough to begin babysteps healing, and for the reckless, still-in-love part of his heart to want to start trusting again.

Idk, to me it's just so much more realistic than forcing tension and distance until the climactic reveal scene. I really relate a lot to Phi as a character because what I always crave most is information and answers, it is the uncertainty that drives me insane and makes me unable to trust or move on. And I just love when characters communicate in ways that aren't a direct conversation. I think this would be such a frustrating series for me if Tam was pushing himself up against Phi every other minute without any actual communication happening, but I paradoxically love it when it becomes a kind of nonverbal communication. I can't tell you why I left, yet, but I can show you over and over and over again that I want to be here with you, that I never actually stopped.

Which also makes it SO MUCH FUN!!! that the premise for the next episode is they have to fake-date in front of Phi's mom, play act what it would have looked like to never break up, when neither of them actually wanted to break up in the first place, or stopped loving the other. I can't waittttttt.