krarayzleesh - Tumblr blog

[krarayzleesh]

Winnie the Pooh is a fat icon tbh

[krarayzleesh]

Just a nobody trying to find my spot in the world

I know I’m not anything special

I know I’m not a favourite

Just an outsider looking in or what feels like it

Just a girl trying to make her mark in the world

Just a girl trying to hold it together

Just a girl that’s been suicidal

Just a girl trying to find her place

Trying to reclaim what’s mine that was taken away

I have no clue what I’m worth

Loss my why, the purpose to keep pushing through

Loss what’s the point

All I hear constantly is trigger names

I know I’m not my sister and constantly hear she did this and that

Her kids are doing this and that

Just a girl that’s broken

just a girl that has given up on trying

Just a girl and that’s all I am

Nothing special

Just a girl that’s a nobody

Just a girl trying to keep the peace

Just a girl her voice doesn’t matter

Nothing matters anymore

[krarayzleesh]

In a world where no one pays attention

We say what’s wrong but nothing is done nothing more

Words just like the air we breathe in we can’t see it

I’m not important and I have come to terms

I’m nothing more then the ground I step on

Just a constant reminder for a 51/50 nothing more then that

I know expressing how I feel will do nothing

Just doing what I’m constantly told

Is getting exhausting, I know my voice won’t matter anyways

No one seems to care what I do, what I say

No one hears when my voice is cracking or when I have tears in my eyes

I can say I’m close to wanting to give up and my system is ok with it but that’s it

Do I really matter cause it sure doesn’t feel like it

No one pays attention that I have acted on things

My words are just words on a blank screen

I’ve learned just to be quiet cause what I say gets ignored

Why can’t I be invisible cause I sure feel like I am

Wish my walls can start doing tricks

It’s the same routine day in and day out

I just do what everyone says cause I know my I don’t want to doesn’t mean that

What if I decide to run away would anyone go looking for me

Or would they just give up after a minute

I know I probably won’t find A happily ever after cause that doesn’t exist

I probably just be in a book of grimes cause that sounds more realistic

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

So not sure if this picture looks like I’m sick. 2020 is crazy times. Whale it is for me and not just of covid. I’m 27 years old, I have POTS a autoimmune disease. My heart runs a marathon without me, and my body lacks sodium. I’ve been to the Er a few times for stomach pain, they thought it was my kidneys. Went four days to get iv therapy and Tuesday they checked my blood to see it was working. I was told if I don’t be admitted I might not make it through the night. I was stage 5 kidney failure. Saturday they decided to do a x-ray of my stomach, I went in for emergency surgery. I had a stomach ulcer that exploded. It was a size of a grapefruit. My stomach was filled with blood and stomach acid. I have looked death in the eyes and said not today. Yesterday was my first day back home. Without having visitors, I was able to video chat with my best friend https://www.instagram.com/p/CCB4f24DICpnax_5FJGFXOR08PRlXh85ov96kM0/?igshid=7mqghzjme7q4

[krarayzleesh]

Yesterday was my birthday I just turned 3 and I bit a bee. Yes I just rhymed https://www.instagram.com/p/B_fpI7gjZaY4njVnGRuN1xlGK-XtFWC2z9JoEs0/?igshid=1wu4hva50rls7

[krarayzleesh]

Wet, cold, damp winter’s night

The sun doesn’t come up

In the world I’m surrounded in

I blended in with the weathers air

Feeling trapped inside from the unknown

No one will want a broken girl

That feels trapped by everything from her past

Her past can’t be undone

She doesn’t seem to get a break

Trapped by memories inside her mind

Trapped by what they have done to her

To feels like a object a piece of meat

She thinks to herself why didn’t they end me while they had the chance

Wet, cold, damp winter’s night

Her kids are in the distance but can’t touch my hand

Their hands try to meet her’s but they fade when they try to

They didn’t make it past the womb

Her abusers ended their lives and one of them was sick

She talks to them but she can’t hear them respond

Wet, cold, winter’s night

Suicidal but not enough to seek help

Wanting to feel numb by everything

Feel nothing at all

Wanting to escape

Her voice in her head tells her things

The dark side of the world

Maybe it’s her saying all the things she wants to forget

Wet cold, damp winter’s night

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

So breakups and having pots flare do not mix. My stomach feels like it’s on fire. It feels like heartburn but worse. You need to eat so my stomach won’t shutdown but I can’t keep nothing down. This illness is part of my story but it doesn’t define me. Somedays you feel like your “dying” I’m making the best I can i might not be normal but nobody is. Flare ups sucks ass just as much being dump https://www.instagram.com/p/B5Gna3DDOZ0fa6DnELlzoqqYnZ2U9h7RmN8Evo0/?igshid=1um6h42y0sw9e

[krarayzleesh]

November is usually a sucky month for me. In nov 2016 one of my dogs passed away from cancer. Nov 2017 one of my dogs died, and my puppy was stolen from me. Now this year I got dump. I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy name Paul. Known each other for a year, and started dating five months ago. We had a rocky start but I thought we would make it through it. Work accident, helicopter accident. Didn’t want to change my relationship status knowing things were going downhill. All odds were ever in our favor. He was the guy with nine lives. He was my everything. I was his queen. I thought he was the one. We thought about the future planned a Disney cruise for 2022, thought about how many kids we wanted, marriage. All the plans the future holds we were going to make the best out of it. Story is Im Now single. https://www.instagram.com/p/B45cWWLjgC8P9iRt3qiIBsjdIBm_m8q7of4E-80/?igshid=19pnnf3vse12k

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]

[krarayzleesh]