kplatonova-blog

[kplatonova-blog]

Evaluation «Alone in Depression»

The theme of my Final Major Project (FMP) is a very tender, personal and sad topic - topic of Depression. The idea behind this is to send a message to the public about the seriousness and importance of such mental illness. I personally can relate to this topic to a certain extent and wish to produce a «message film» to educate others on this issue. Throughout my project I have opened up myself to the public and shared my own most personal emotions. The goal is to share my feelings, fears and deepest thoughts and build an emotional connection with the viewer. The film will allow the viewer to live a day with a depressed person, experiencing the world through his colours and witness various emotions that one has. The artwork itself is the experience offered to the viewer, which begins from approaching the installation (a fragment of the depressed person life in a form of installation), then continued by viewing and listening to the film. The goal is to leave the viewer with questions in his head: «Is he aware that this issue exists and that somebody in his proximity might be suffering from depression? Will he help or just ignore it? Is he ready to face consequences of his ignorance?».

The initial inspiration comes from my own emotions and my personal life struggles associated with drastic life-changing events in my life. In addition to that I have a close person suffering from depression. The overwhelming emotions pushed me to talk about this to public. I am doing this project not only for college, I wish to extend it further and upload it to YouTube to at least try to play my part in raising awareness about this issue. Throughout the project I kept getting motivational inspirations from various artists like Tracey Emin, who suffered herself from a severe depression and was not afraid to talk about it. Many artists use new media art to portray depression as it allows them to share the artwork easily online and this was increase the target audience.

To produce a fine quality film, which is the main part of my installation, I had to make sure that research is completed thoroughly and to my fullest capability. I have sourced the primary research mainly from the library. I dedicated a lot of time to understand depression from the medical perspective and studied various articles to review statistics and general opinion on this illness. This has given me confidence in talking about depression and helped to form my own opinion. Additionally I conducted a questionnaire to test if previously obtained theoretical information has been accurate and true. People questioned were random people on the street as well as online people in my proximity via Facebook (with use of Google Docs service - anonymous questionnaire).

To assist me in understanding how depression can be portrayed in art, I have continued primary research in the art galleries, most of them as a part of the college trips. I have studied Kathe Kollwitz (Manchester City Art Gallery), Sir John Everett Millais «Ophelia» (Manchester City Art Gallery), Bill Viola (Yorkshire Sculpture Park) and Tracey Emin (Whitwhorth Gallery). In addition to that I have used material gathered from last years college trip to Edinburgh from the British Art Show 8 on artists like Imogen Stidworthy, Benedict Drew and Melanie Gilligan. Each artist’s contribution has been outlined in my journal, but in general they have given me a better understanding and plenty of tips on how to achieve the best atmosphere to correspond with the viewer.

The secondary research was targeted to see how similar artwork to mine has been previously done. I have research online resources and video sharing portal to get a further insight, as I felt that results of the primary research were not enough. This has given me a boost in inspirational ideas for my own project.  The artists studied were: Zelda Fitzgerald (self-portrait in the water colour), Pablo Picasso (blue period), Kwangho Shin, Simon Birch, Doug Foster (installations), Clara Lieu, Liz Obert. Some of the above listed artists were self found and some were advised by my tutors to assist me in directing my artwork in the correct way. Each artist portrays depression in its own way and through the prism of his own experience. Throughout this process I seemed to form my own view and my own ideas, based on the influence of the above artists. I found this research very helpful and cannot imagine getting where I am now without it.

To produce my artwork I have used the techniques that I have learnt. I have produced the movie by myself with minimal assistance from others. The lack of the filming crew has given me many challenges to overcome. Major challenge was when idea of filming in the premises of Victoria Bath’s in Manchester has been quashed and I had to rethink and adapt to the circumstances accordingly. The problem was solved successfully and personally I think it worked out in my favour, making my artwork more personal and realistic. I had to overcome this issue by mostly filming at home, displaying my personal space and my own surroundings. To bring my idea in filming under water into life, I had to find a different way, as I was unable to use Victoria Bath’s anymore (as initially planned). The solution was found in arranging filming in my friends apartment, using her bath. Those times were emotionally hard as I was worried that might not be able to fulfil all my plans.

My main tools for filming were my Nikon D5500 camera with 50mm lens, tripod, stabiliser and editing software on my MacBook Pro. The big decision in this project was whether large monetary investment in professional software (Final Cut Pro X) was reasonable or not. I made a decision that I wish this project to be on the next level and look as professional as I can possibly achieve, therefore decided to purchase the software and do all the editing on my own laptop. Before choosing the tools for my project I have conducted a research on them to make sure I am investing into top quality items. With filming process there were many technical skills that I had to improve on, but with help of online resources (tutorials and video tips) and hard work I believe to have managed to overcome this challenge. The process of filming is equally as challenging and exciting, so problems of correct camera placement and numerous cuts were seen by myself as part of routine and were solved gradually as they occurred.

The filming process consisted of constant experimenting with various scenes and different portrayal of the depression. The ideas were based on inspiration that came from above mentioned artists and were developed further by myself. For my FMP i have done over an hours worth of footage with multiple experiments. On top of this, many experiments were with the editing process, as only with help of that I could achieve the correct required ambience and mood in the video.

Using experience from past project, I have used my most favourite techniques. For my time-planning a calendar was created. I have set daily goals and targets to make sure that all deadlines are met in time. This is a great tool to use for overall understanding how my project will progress.

Reflection journal was kept to make sure that my project is progressing in the right direction and to evaluate my own work. The targets I have set to myself as an action plan in the reflective journal have been achieved, some with slight delay within reasonable time due to unforeseen circumstances. Considering the type of my project, which has a lot of media items like videos and images to share, I have kept an online Tumblr blog, to share all of my work with others. I see it as and extension of my reflection journal. In addition to that, I have used all my favourite assisting tools like to-do lists and reminders in my phone to make sure that tasks are completed when their are set for. I think I was successful with time keeping during this project. I had a clear understanding that filming process is very time- consuming and had a full dedication to allocating time for my project work. The problem I had was initially to see the whole film before it was created. I have overcome this by creating a storyboard, which I used to plan filming of the scenes accordingly. Of course, I did not stick to it fully and developed it further on the go with few sudden experiments. Possibly I could have planned my time more efficiently if I could have afforded to take more time off work. It was challenging to balance working hours and college work correctly. As one often clashes with another. Hopefully I managed to succeed in doing this correctly, even at great emotional cost.

Looking behind now I wish I was able to group up with other students forming a crew and producing an even better final artwork. With more time on my hands I could have refined my project better and extended the length of the film by adding more scenes, therefore allowing me to cover more emotions and possibly making it even more emotionally powerful. If I was not restrained by the space provided for installation, I would have made a larger one, emerging viewer even deeper than now.

If I were to evaluate my progress from beginning of the year until now, I can see obvious growth. Personally, I am proud to improve in academic learning, meaning that I spend less time on translating and my writing skills are a lot better. Regarding artistic development, I have challenged myself again and have improved on my already acquired skills as well as obtained new ones. I have set high goal for myself in the beginning of this year as I understood this will be my last project, therefore wanted it to be the best I have ever done. My personal evaluation is that I think my hard work has paid off and resulted in a fine quality, deep and meaningful artwork.

To conclude, I can confirm that have really enjoyed working on this project as it was an emotional roller-coaster ride for me personally throughout the whole process. I will never forget the experiment where I had to cry. The tears were real, as I have remembered my actual horrible past experience and cried out loud forgetting about the filming process completely. Thankfully no more re-filming of this scene was necessary. The all challenges that occurred were eventually successfully resolved leaving me happy with the final outcome. As planned, I think my short film is able to reach out to public and get them emotionally involved with the issue, leaving them with some thinking to do. I genuinely see this project more than just a task that was given by college, I have put my soul in it and hope that my artwork will leave its footprint in this battle with depression.

by Kristina Platonova

Art&Design Level 3 Year 2

[kplatonova-blog]

Bibliography

Articles:

Skinner, A. 2014, "Depression", Nursing Standard (2014+), vol. 29, no. 11, pp. 61. (Manchester Metropolitan University «MMU» Library)

Parker, G. (2013), Teenage depression: some navigational points for parents and professionals. World Psychiatry, 12: 272–274.

(MMU Library)

Denny, S., Morton, S. & Watson, P. 2007, "The effect of schools on teenage depression and problem behaviours", JOURNAL OF ADOLESCENT HEALTH, vol. 40, no. 2, pp. S12-S12.

(MMU Library)

Emily Stapley, Mary Target, Nick Midgley «The Journey Through and Beyond Mental Health Services in the United Kingdom: A Typology of Parents’ Ways of Managing the Crisis of Their Teenage Child’s Depression» Journal of Clinical Psychology, Vol 00(0), 1-13(2017)

(MMU Library)

Sunday Independent, Dublin, «Recognise teenage angst for what it is», 2013, page 35

(MMU Library)

Khadeja Nadeem, The Nation, Lahore, Pakistan «Teenage Depression», 2016, Vol 30, Issue 107.

(MMU Library)

Online Articles:

Boots WebMD research of the Depression from the Medical Perspective. (2009-2011) WebMD UK Limited and Boots UK Limited.

Link: http://www.webmd.boots.com/depression/guide/what-is-depression

Internet Research:

(Artists Research - Depression Through Art)

Zelda Fitzgerald, Self-Portrait in Water Color

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zelda_Fitzgerald

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Zelda+Fitzgerald,+Self-Portrait+in+Water+Color&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiDoquorrnUAhUJC8AKHWriA8UQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=603#imgrc=VR_LNX6-kVxwyM:

Pablo Picasso, The Blue Room

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blue_Room_(Picasso)

Kwangho Shin works:

https://www.artsy.net/artist/kwangho-shin

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Kwangho+Shin&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi2xNWUr7nUAhUJL8AKHX46CJoQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=603#tbm=isch&q=kwangho+shin+drawings

Simon Birch works:

http://www.simon-birch.com/

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Kwangho+Shin&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi2xNWUr7nUAhUJL8AKHX46CJoQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=603#tbm=isch&q=simon+birch+artist+drawings

Doug Foster works:

http://www.dougfoster.net/

Clara Lieu works:

http://claralieu.com/info/bio

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Clara+Lieu&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjhuqnQsLnUAhWCyBoKHbuiAXMQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=603#imgrc=E0pIz8ix3IxOuM:

Liz Obert works:

http://lizobert.com/

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Liz+Obert&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjIjsK2s7nUAhUsJcAKHW7TCk0Q_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=603#imgdii=usgzuhPGr-U0UM:&imgrc=6tgdtXxLZu_syM:

Museums/Trip Research - Artists:

Kathe Kollwitz (Manchester City Art Gallery)

Tracey Emin (Withworth Gallery)

Bill Viola (Yorkshire Sculpture Park)

Imogen Stidworthy (British Art Show 8 in Edinburgh)

Benedict Drew (British Art Show 8 in Edinburgh)

Melania Gilligan (British Art Show 8 in Edinburgh)

Sir John Everett Millas «Ophelia» (Manchester City Art Gallery)

Victoria Baths Manchester’s Water Place

   http://www.victoriabaths.org.uk/

Video Artists Research:

A Depression PSA (Short Film)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mpcDVq_noU

«Lonely» (Short Film)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-rKa7N9sjM&t=227s

Day 14// Short Film about Depression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATwPkrgGfxA

Living with Depression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJ_S5Rjt_iI&t=11s

Movie Research:

Melancholia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melancholia_(2011_film)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzD0U841LRM

Software Research:

iMovie

https://www.apple.com/uk/imovie/

Final Cut Pro

https://www.apple.com/uk/final-cut-pro/

App store:

Final Cut Pro X - £299.99

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/final-cut-pro/id424389933?mt=12

Youtube Research:

Final Cut Pro X - FULL TUTORIAL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPbBDs67aCY

Final Cut Pro X Tutorial Beginners

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UET7QptHtc

Kristina Platonova

Art&Design Level 3 Year 2

[kplatonova-blog]

Final video for FMP 2017

by Kristina Platonova

[kplatonova-blog]

Presentation style

I was thinking of various ways my artwork could be displayed. I have two favourite artists, whose installations inspire me the most and communicate the best with the viewer. The artists are Doug Foster and Tracey Emin. Doug Foster’s installations are extremely powerful, but very complicated in construction. He uses large size construction, which are specifically made for each artwork. Unfortunately, time and available tools do not allow me to attempt presentation in his style. On the other hand one of the most famous installation of Tracey Emin is simple in presentation but emotionally very powerful - her bed. The installation is called «My Bed» and displays her actual bedroom during her real depression period. It touched me so deeply, as it was realistic, simple and so emotional. You understand that life of a depressed person is very different. I wanted my artwork to communicate in a similar manner. The idea I developed is quite simple: considering the amount of space and what materials I have to use - I surely wasn’t able to recreate the bedroom, therefore decided to display a fragment of a depressed person’s surroundings. This will be in a form of installation, where monitor will be a centre of attention, surrounded by key items that you would expect to find in a depressed person’s house. All of the above will be chaotically placed, symbolising a “mess” in depressed persons life. I will try to make it look as realistic as possible. I plan to use cups of half-finished coffee, cigarettes, pills, alcohol and other domestic items to add to the ambience. I hope that it will help my film to create a better emotional link with the viewer.

[kplatonova-blog]

Speech for Final Video

Russian Language:

Депрессия - как часто мы слышим это слово… и как мало мы о нем знаем… Для большинства это просто слово, а для других это жизнь. Жизнь в которой нет радости, нет счастья, а есть лишь всепожирающая пустота… Пустота с которой ты живешь. Ты с ней просыпаешься, ты с ней ешь, ты с ней собираешься на работу, ты с ней засыпаешь. Это необъяснимое чувство, которое давит на тебя как пресс, раздавливая твой мозг. Это ужасное чувство никчемности, ненужности и бессилия наводит тебя только на одну мысль…. Закончить с этим. Но ты продолжаешь жить на автопилоте, просто функционируя и выполняя какие-то бессмысленные действия. Но боль не уходит, она вечно с тобой… И ты начинаешь искать выходы… И часто находят самый простой…

English Language:

Depression, how often do we hear this word. And how little do we know about it. For majority of people it is just a word and for some its life. Life without excitement, without happiness, only with all-devouring emptiness. The one you wake up with, the one you eat with and the one you get ready for work or go to sleep. It is an unexplainable feeling that pushes on you like a press, squashing your brain. This awful feeling of worthlessness, uselessness, and the feeling of debility… they keep pushing you towards one though - what is all this for? why does one need such life and what is the point? Because there is simply no will to live, to see the light, but you continue living on «autopilot», just simply functioning, performing pointless tasks, which others expect, but these actions don’t bring you any happiness, no enjoyment and no emotions whatsoever. And that pain, pain doesn’t go away. Pain is always with you. Even in the room full of people you feel alone, alone with yourself. Because of your worthlessness and uselessness, you start looking for solutions. Solutions to get out of this depression. To get out from this swamp, that slowly suck you in. Quite often in search of this solution, people find the easiest one. The solution that apparently will solve everything… but is it really a solution?

Today I have recorded a voiceover for my project. After making few experiments I made a final decision that voiceover should be done in a male voice. My inspiration and guidance is taken from Imogen Sidworthy’s artwork called «A Crack in the Light» (displayed in the British Art Show 8), where she used male voices to enhance the experience of her art. I believe that for my topic a deep calm slowly spoken male voice is a lot more suitable and puts viewer in a better ambience that a higher pitched female voice.

I think it worked out really well and I am excited to see people reactions when viewing my final artwork. To record the voiceover I asked my friend to read the speech, which I wrote myself in a calm, normal manner. I have recorded few takes just to be on a safe side. Later I cut it into fragments to match the scenes and timeframes of the clips. Once that was done I have individually and manually added subtitles to each clip.

[kplatonova-blog]

“Mad World” by Jennifer Ann (piano instrumental) 

Downloaded from vk.com 

[kplatonova-blog]

Soundtrack

The soundtrack for my project is one of the most vital parts. Music is a great helper for an artist, when specific mood and ambience needs to be created. For my project, the obvious mood is sadness. I was looking for a slow, soft, emotional melody that will put viewer in the right “setting”.

As the topic is relevant today, I wanted soundtrack to be known to public, not just any sad violin melody. The idea is that this song could potentially be on the playlist of the depression person. With internet’s assistance I have gathered the top of “depressing” songs.

Fix You - Coldplay 

Mad World - Michael Andrews

There is a Light that never goes out - The Smiths

Creep - Radiohead

Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

Stan - Eminem

Hurt - Johnny Cash

Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Fade to Black - Metallica

G.Fresh - Drunken Tiger

The main point was, that I did not want to have the original playing, but I believe that instrumental cover, would match the purpose better and will go hand in hand with the voiceover.

For the above list I have been listening to various available covers and comparing them to each other. My criteria was that the song has to be at the same time emotional and touching, but not too distracting. My two top choices were Fix You - Coldplay (played by orchestra) and Mad World by Jennifer Ann (piano instrumental). Both are extremely powerful pieces. For other songs on list, unfortunately I was unable to find a suitable instrumental cover.

For my project I made a final decision to use “Mad World” by Jennifer Ann, as this track by itself is a great match to my project and most people know the lyrics of the song, without them even being there. Perfect pace, smooth flow and very emotional piano performance. I fell in love with this soundtrack and cannot see any other option for my final film.

[kplatonova-blog]

Video Editing Effects

To achieve the desired look of my film, I had to make sure that correct video effects are applied. The basic set that I have selected for myself was as following:

Colour Adjustment (Cool Tones; Cold Steel; Combat) All of these effects adjust the colour of the video, adding «sadness» and «coldness» to it. The colour selection came from my initial research on artist and use of various colours in portraying depression. Main inspiration was Picasso’s «Blue Period». I did not want to over-use the colour adjustment too much, thus loosing realism in the film, but a small hint of «blue» can be seen throughout my artwork. I hope that this adds to the setting and helps me communicate better with the viewer

«Bad TV» effect. This effect has grasped me during one of the experiments, where I came up with the idea that I should apply this video effect to whole film. The goal is that viewer will have a feel, that he is «peeking» into the depressed person’s life through CCTV, which usually is of a «bad tv» quality. After experimenting further, I decided that this feature will play in well with the way my artwork is actually displayed and will add significantly to the ambience of it.

Slow Motion - speed control was one of the main tools, that I have used. This might not even be noticeable at a first glance, but most of video footage has gone through speed adjustment to make sure footage goes in hand with melody and pace of action is «just right». As previously discussed in the research and supported by «Melancholia» movie, slow-mo is one of the best tools to portrait depression. I hope that I managed to balance the use of this feature and not too over clump the project with slow-mo effects.

This three video effect were my basic «brushes» in painting my artwork. I am very happy that the software I selected has allowed me to maximise the use of the above with highly customisable options. In general I am satisfied with the tools I had to use, but the only problem being is that as practice shown, my laptop is not powerful enough for complicated rendering. This resulted in longer waiting times for rendering and processing.

[kplatonova-blog]

Filming in water

This was possibly the most exciting experiment I made. The idea is a result of inspiration by «Ophelia»  (painting by British artist Sir John Everett Millais). This idea was further extended in a movie «Melancholia». I made my own attempt at filming in the water. Further I discovered artist named Doug Foster, whose installation «Breather», inspired me even further.

The idea of this clip is very powerful. This experiment is planned to be a final scene - leaving people with their own decision to make as to outcome. This is a scene of potential suicide, which statistically is one of the most common ways depressed people end their lives - in a bath. I did not want to show any blood in my project, therefore the scene only shows me submerging under water and stops at the point where I am about to swim up… or not.

I absolutely loved filming this scene, as it was my first ever experience and felt very different and quite strange. As it is quite challenging in placing the camera above myself I had to ask for assistance. During filming I had to overcome quite a few of my own fears. First of all, I never submerge in water without holding my nose closed, but here it would look pathetic if I did that. With that fear dealt with, next one was opening my eyes under water. This took me few cuts to actually do it and to do it for quite a lengthy time. Regardless of all the above challenges, I have enjoyed this experience throughout. Filming under water is unpredictable, exciting and very rewarding. Judging now by outcome I would deem this experiment as the most successful out of my whole project. Very thankful to my tutors that initially guided me in the right direction to develop my idea.

[kplatonova-blog]

Editing Process

This is on of the key cornerstones of my project. The way I see is that video footage is my material and movie editing process is the tool for my artwork. During editing the art is formed. I adore the process and love how ideas can radically change throughout the whole process, just like when drawing or crafting. For this FMP I have set a lot higher goals for myself and had a lot of challenges to overcome. One of them was mastering professional software - Final Cut Pro in a fairly short period of time. Although this was hard, it was equally as fun and rewarding experience.

The key for successful production of a film is organisation, so this is where I start my editing - organise all available footage, label it with brief names (i.e. rain, postbox, bath, etc.) and add them all onto Final Cut Pro (FCP) library. Once all raw material is in the library, I begin sorting and ruthlessly selecting only the best cuts. At the same time I was doing experiments just to test how capable I am of bringing my ideas to life. I had my positive and negative outcomes, but in general, I had a good vibe that project is heading in the right direction and material I have produced has a good potential of becoming a powerful «message» film.

Once library «cleaned up» and ready for editing I am ready for working on the actual project. For my FMP I have created separate project. Just like when drawing, it starts with drafting. I already had drafted a storyboard to assist me with planning. Storyboard is a mini-scenario for my project, illustrating the way I plan my film to flow. It helped me to build a «skeleton» for my artwork. Based on it, I have added relevant clips to the timeline. Once the skeleton material is in, I applied basic editing to adjust colour (all videos will be displayed in cool tones, reflecting the topic of depression). FCP has a lot of options to assist with adjusting colour, which is very helpful. My previous software would not be able to do this. Once I am happy with draft, I add soundtrack to the timeline and play it on repeat, fully emerging into the project. I get emotional, additional inspiration comes and ideas arise one by one. The process is quite time consuming and involves a lot of re-doing and adjusting to make sure that clips are trimmed properly and that timeline looks neat and professional. Regardless of how much time I spent on this step, I enjoyed every single minute of it. Even the moments when you realise that you have accidentally deleted a key scene from your project and cannot find it anywhere in the library - I see this all as a valuable experience.

Next step is refining the edited material. This involves quite tedious tasks in checking timing on the transitions and cutscenes, double-checking that values of the similar effects on clips are identical, etc. This is a necessary step, and has to be done every-time I add any change and will be done once again before I process the final outcome.

[kplatonova-blog]

Tools

For my final project I have used various tools and materials. My main tool for filming is Nikon D5500 camera with 50mm lens, specially purchased for this film. With 50mm lens I will be able to achieve a blurred background effect, with focused centre. The idea is to show how depressed person perceives the world - struggling to focus. Next, the most two important tools are tripod and camera stabiliser. Tripod was used for still images and stabiliser for moving ones. I have used same tripod as last year, but stabiliser was purchased specially for this film. The most expensive purchase was the software - Final Cut Pro for Mac OS. As I wanted this project to be a lot better than my previous one and to display all my acquired skills I needed a professional software that will be able to bring all of my ideas alive. Thankfully, I already had MacBook Pro, therefore only thing missing was professional software. I am glad I purchased it as editing videos was relatively easy and fun. To summarise, all purchased tools were of great help and I cannot image doing this project without them. The only bit of disappointment was with the stabiliser - it did not fully deliver as per its task - video footage was still shaky. Thankfully, Final Cut Pro helped me to solve this problem via editing.

[kplatonova-blog]

Depression and I

For the purpose of developing my project and finalising the research I decided to reflect onto my own life and my own personal experience.

My life-changing experience was death of my grandmother, with whom I was very close. I was at the age of 14. This happened on 12th of December 2011, just a day before my dad's birthday. I will not go into details, but my lifestyle changed and in combination with puberty turned me into a very problematic child. All sort of problems aroused: attitude issues at school with my behaviour and studies; reckless and stupid actions like smoking, drinking and getting into all sort of trouble, even involving police. I felt like the worst thing has already happened and nothing could hurt me again.

I don't think that ever since that I have been the same. The only thing that has stopped from getting into serious trouble was meeting my current fiancé. He helped me to get my thought straight and changed my lifestyle completely. This is how I moved to England, as he already had a job here and invited me to visit Manchester and see if I would like to stay. Everything seemed absolutely fine, but I felt that something is slowly eating me from inside. I was lonely, and if to be completely honest with myself - still am. At least now I have got some people whom I know, but at first, I only had my boyfriend. It is not like I regret moving over, because I am very happy here, with my fiancé. But when I am alone the emotions hit me very hard - I miss my mom, my warm home and the fact I am not able to visit my nephews every weekend, like I used to. Thoughts of me being not wanted in this country keep coming more and more often, especially after all these news on TV. Thanks to my fiancé, I still manage to soldier on, he is really good at motivating me, but I am even better at demotivating myself... Thankfully I don't get any suicidal thoughts, only the feeling of being unwanted, useless and not welcome. I hope that this will change with time. But for now, I get episodes of unbearable sadness, when I just want to run away home and hide in my bedroom like a little kid. I understand that the above said is not a clinical depression and I am thankful it is not. These are the emotions that I relate to in my project and this is my way of understanding people living with depression. My project is more of a shout out to other people, raising awareness and hopefully some will look around and realise that depressed people are around us and are in need of help... or a simple hug.

[kplatonova-blog]

Informal Interview with a depressed person.

I have managed to agree an informal chat with a girl who suffers from a depression. She is known to one of my good friend, who assisted with arranging this interview. The real name of this person will be omitted, as she requested to stay anonymous. I will be referring to her as Ann. With help of this interview I am hoping to «get into the head» of the depressed person and will try to understand her emotions and feelings. I did not have a question-answer interview, but instead decided to engage into an informal chat on this topic. Throughout the interview I was making notes for further review.

A bit of a background: Ann was born in Estonia, June of 1997. She has always been just an average teenage with a bit of a pessimistic character. Never excelled at school, hitting average C’s and an odd B’s. On the other hand she is a very hard-working person, earning own money since the age of 14. She does not remember her father, he left family when she was at the age of 2. Mostly, she was brought up by her grandmother - Maria. Mom has always been at work, trying her best to keep their small family fed. Ann has finished 9 grades in school (obligatory minimum in Estonia) and never went to get any higher education. The reason will be explained below.

Ann is 19 now, works in a local bar as a waitress. Ann is suffering from periodical anxiety and depression. I asked Ann to remember, what exactly triggered her first stage of depression. At this point I was absolutely shocked and really felt uneasy - Ann started crying. I have got her a glass of water and gave her some time to calm down. I was ready to stop this interview when she continued and told me a story of how her grandmother Maria passed away. She was 17, just finished her 9th grade and it was time to decide on her further educational path. Ann said that Maria was her very best friend, every day after school she rushed home for dinner, which was always ready by the time she got there. They would discuss the day and share the news. Ann said that she shared everything with her granny, who would in return always give a wise advice and would never judge. 7th July she will remember forever - «that day dinner was not ready on time» said Ann. We had to take another break as Ann could not continue. When returned, she explained that she witnessed her grandmother’s death. This was a turning point in her life. Not only she lost a very close relative, she lost her best friend. Ann was the one who tried to wake her up and she still remembers «her cold hands». Ann was the one to call ambulance and notify her mom. She spent nearly half an hour waiting for an ambulance to arrive. At this point of her story I could not hold my tears either. Both of us were crying. Ann said that she feels like her life changed completely after that day. Her Mom’s health gone worse, she couldn’t do as many hours as she did before, so Ann had to give up on her plan’s to go to musical college and had to apply for a full time job.

I found this interview extremely hard and did not feel like asking any more questions after listening out to such touching and personal story. To be honest, I could not even think straight as was in tears myself. Her story has given me flashbacks of my grandmother passing away. Nevertheless, after a comfort break and changing topics I returned to main question - What is it like to be depressed and how does she know that she is suffering from depression? Ann explained, that after grandmother’s death she did not eat for days and locked herself in a room. Mother was getting concerned and tried to get her daughter out of it by attempting getting closer and taking her on days out. Ann believes that those attempts made it even worse and made Ann angrier. She was experiencing constant mental breakdowns. Looking back now she understands that she has overly irritative and very prone to «snapping» at people. She could not describe depression really, because throughout the conversation I kept getting a feeling that really, she does not think that she is suffering from an illness, she more believes that this is her new personality. From my own point of view I am sure that she is majorly depressed even now. Ann confirmed that she had thoughts of suicide and one attempt of drug overdose. Luckily, ambulance came on time and her life was not in danger. The way Ann believes that this is just how her life has taken an unfortunate turn and now she doesn’t really see anything from her shift at work and her own bedroom. She does not socialise at all and does not engage in any activities that would be common for people of her age. To me - this is classic example of the depression, but in Estonia depression is not seen as an illness, more of a weakness, that should be worked on and «powered through». My personal opinion that probably majority of people saying that have actually been depressed for years and don’t even understand that themselves.

For my project I have found this conversation with Ann very useful, but extremely hard. It was not even what she said, it was more of how she looked and her facial expressions. Unfortunately, Ann did not allow me to take a picture and I did not feel that it would be fair to insist. But I really wanted to capture the eyes: very deep, green with a tint of grey, as if they lost colour from so many tears dropped. If her eyes were to be looked at separately from her body, no-one would ever guess that they belong to a 20 year old girl. I still get shivers down my back when I remember our chat and with all my heart never wish for anybody to be through such life-breaking events. It makes me think, that Ann’s story is nothing extraordinary, common loss of an elder relative, but lack of support and help of people surrounding her caused her to fall into such deep depression. I am happy that I managed to witness with my own eyes a depressed person and have somewhere to get real example of genuine emotions.

The main thing that I will take from this interview into my artwork is «the feel» of it and trigger points. Now, when filming, I will be remembering Ann and her stories, will reflect to my own similar life-changing event and hopefully will be able to communicate these important emotions to the viewer.

I have managed to agree an informal chat with a girl who suffers from a depression. She is known to one of my good friend, who assisted with arranging this interview. The real name of this person will be omitted, as she requested to stay anonymous. I will be referring to her as Ann. With help of this interview I am hoping to «get into the head» of the depressed person and will try to understand her emotions and feelings. I did not have a question-answer interview, but instead decided to engage into an informal chat on this topic. Throughout the interview I was making notes for further review.

A bit of a background: Ann was born in Estonia, June of 1997. She has always been just an average teenage with a bit of a pessimistic character. Never excelled at school, hitting average C’s and an odd B’s. On the other hand she is a very hard-working person, earning own money since the age of 14. She does not remember her father, he left family when she was at the age of 2. Mostly, she was brought up by her grandmother - Maria. Mom has always been at work, trying her best to keep their small family fed. Ann has finished 9 grades in school (obligatory minimum in Estonia) and never went to get any higher education. The reason will be explained below.

Ann is 19 now, works in a local bar as a waitress. Ann is suffering from periodical anxiety and depression. I asked Ann to remember, what exactly triggered her first stage of depression. At this point I was absolutely shocked and really felt uneasy - Ann started crying. I have got her a glass of water and gave her some time to calm down. I was ready to stop this interview when she continued and told me a story of how her grandmother Maria passed away. She was 17, just finished her 9th grade and it was time to decide on her further educational path. Ann said that Maria was her very best friend, every day after school she rushed home for dinner, which was always ready by the time she got there. They would discuss the day and share the news. Ann said that she shared everything with her granny, who would in return always give a wise advice and would never judge. 7th July she will remember forever - «that day dinner was not ready on time» said Ann. We had to take another break as Ann could not continue. When returned, she explained that she witnessed her grandmother’s death. This was a turning point in her life. Not only she lost a very close relative, she lost her best friend. Ann was the one who tried to wake her up and she still remembers «her cold hands». Ann was the one to call ambulance and notify her mom. She spent nearly half an hour waiting for an ambulance to arrive. At this point of her story I could not hold my tears either. Both of us were crying. Ann said that she feels like her life changed completely after that day. Her Mom’s health gone worse, she couldn’t do as many hours as she did before, so Ann had to give up on her plan’s to go to musical college and had to apply for a full time job.

I found this interview extremely hard and did not feel like asking any more questions after listening out to such touching and personal story. To be honest, I could not even think straight as was in tears myself. Her story has given me flashbacks of my grandmother passing away. Nevertheless, after a comfort break and changing topics I returned to main question - What is it like to be depressed and how does she know that she is suffering from depression? Ann explained, that after grandmother’s death she did not eat for days and locked herself in a room. Mother was getting concerned and tried to get her daughter out of it by attempting getting closer and taking her on days out. Ann believes that those attempts made it even worse and made Ann angrier. She was experiencing constant mental breakdowns. Looking back now she understands that she has overly irritative and very prone to «snapping» at people. She could not describe depression really, because throughout the conversation I kept getting a feeling that really, she does not think that she is suffering from an illness, she more believes that this is her new personality. From my own point of view I am sure that she is majorly depressed even now. Ann confirmed that she had thoughts of suicide and one attempt of drug overdose. Luckily, ambulance came on time and her life was not in danger. The way Ann believes that this is just how her life has taken an unfortunate turn and now she doesn’t really see anything from her shift at work and her own bedroom. She does not socialise at all and does not engage in any activities that would be common for people of her age. To me - this is classic example of the depression, but in Estonia depression is not seen as an illness, more of a weakness, that should be worked on and «powered through». My personal opinion that probably majority of people saying that have actually been depressed for years and don’t even understand that themselves.

For my project I have found this conversation with Ann very useful, but extremely hard. It was not even what she said, it was more of how she looked and her facial expressions. Unfortunately, Ann did not allow me to take a picture and I did not feel that it would be fair to insist. But I really wanted to capture the eyes: very deep, green with a tint of grey, as if they lost colour from so many tears dropped. If her eyes were to be looked at separately from her body, no-one would ever guess that they belong to a 20 year old girl. I still get shivers down my back when I remember our chat and with all my heart never wish for anybody to be through such life-breaking events. It makes me think, that Ann’s story is nothing extraordinary, common loss of an elder relative, but lack of support and help of people surrounding her caused her to fall into such deep depression. I am happy that I managed to witness with my own eyes a depressed person and have somewhere to get real example of genuine emotions.

The main thing that I will take from this interview into my artwork is «the feel» of it and trigger points. Now, when filming, I will be remembering Ann and her stories, will reflect to my own similar life-changing event and hopefully will be able to communicate these important emotions to the viewer.

[kplatonova-blog]

I wanted to film the daily routine processes. The most common I could think of was checking postbox for new mail. It took a lot of takes, as I spent time on configuring camera and making sure it image is not out of focus. I am relatively happy with a result. It will be only a short «filler» scene, so no «wow» effect here. Here I was more testing my camera abilities and if it copes with the set task. I think that the experiment was successful. 

[kplatonova-blog]

Whenever people think of depression, the rainy wether always comes to mind. In Manchester filming rain is not an issue, we have plenty of that. I experimented with filming windows, puddles, sky, etc. These scenes are successful time fillers while I will be speaking, helping viewer to concentrate on my voice, not image. These scenes are necessary. A lot of takes were deleted as rain turned out to be harder to capture than I expected. 

[kplatonova-blog]

Another routine scene, of me putting hair together in a ponytail. This is taken from my daily life, when I get ready for work. This is another «filler» scene, to show that depressed people are no different from others. The scene itself is a bit shallow, I am not entirely satisfied with it. I expected it to communicate more than it does now. Hopefully with assistance of editing and in combination with speech and music this will be perceived better. The cut that I liked the most is where I put the hood on and walk away. I am thinking to implement it in the final movie.

[kplatonova-blog]

Continued filming mobile phone. Here is an experiment with “missed calls”. It represents how depressed people are hiding away from socialising and refuse to engage in any activities whatsoever. I think this experiment turned out really well. When editing, I combined several angles of filming to give it more “flow”. I am happy with the outcome and am quite certain that this scene will be a part of my final project.