komerdith

[komerdith]

The whole children being separated from their parents at the border has been killing me.

The “zero tolerance” move has changed asylum seeking into a criminal offense that warrants incarceration for the parents and separating and holding children in internment camps. How long do these kids have to stay in these camps? How long before the camps become overcrowded and quality of care diminishes? How long before these kids get abused behind closed doors, if that hasn’t happened by now already? Get less to eat or poorer quality food? How deeply will they be affected by the trauma of being taken from their parents and left to wonder what will happen to them next? From toddlers to teenagers.

What kills me is that there are people who would think this is the correct action to take. Because these immigrants seeking asylum “knew what they were getting themselves into by coming here ‘illegally’”. Because we “have to protect our country from MS-13.” It’s all justified. 

Herding people into internment camps and holding them like cattle while separating families for an indefinite period of time is an inhumane act.

Then people wonder, well, why can’t you have a civil, logical public debate about this? I can’t. I can’t bare to be told all the reasons why this should be happening and be shown all the “evidence” as to why this is what we should be doing. I can’t take it.

Vince has been helping me to research and put together pamphlets that explain the whole thing and that provide ways in which people can help. And I’m going to hand them out at my shop. I feel so damn helpless, but Vincent’s right. Just short of taking up office or going straight to the border, myself, there’s little else I can do. Except vote, call, and voice this all to my representatives.

[komerdith]

Kinda hate to admit it, but I often find FB to be so damn stressful. Always something negative going on or people are just bitter about something...  I don’t go there too often, kind of to spare my nerves in some cases. It’s funny the stark difference that life outside of social media can have in that sense... On social  media, it seems like people are more hyperfocused on every little thing. 

[komerdith]

Well... only time I ever come to this blog is to complain, so here I am... I can’t even really get that much into it because I’m at the shop, now, so a customer could come in at any time. But since it’s raining, there aren’t very many people out, today... So it’s been slow, but at least that gives me a chance to catch up on shipping orders.

The past few days I’ve just been moody. Like all last week, even... But then that’s mostly been my own fault, that’s the thing. So I’ve just been trying to let it pass. Like, I agreed to letting this thing happen. So... I don’t get why I feel so bothered afterward. Maybe I’m just not being honest with myself. But I swear I thought I was...

I honestly don’t know... I was a lot more irritated over it earlier this week. But like right now it isn’t really on my mind. I guess maybe I’m getting over it. I just wish it hadn’t been a thing to me in the first place. I almost feel like I should apologize... maybe I should do that... 

Then earlier this week I got riled up over a discussion over some people who had suffered an animal attack. What I can’t stand is the disregard of human life. I mean that it results in such turmoil for people. But I see it everywhere. Almost all the time. Talking like certain kinds of people are just lesser, so it doesn’t matter if they die. It’s funny, even. It’s shit that I’ve heard before. I’m always suspicious that a statement like that goes much deeper than just “dark humor”.  I mean it’s one damn thing to crack a joke about fictitious or figurative deaths. But to joke about people who have actually lost their lives, especially while simultaneously degrading their value as human beings, is in bad taste, at best.

[komerdith]

This poor kid... 

Why do people think that if they yell at a person, it’ll yank them out of their depression...? Telling them to “just try harder”... like they aren’t already trying as hard as they can. You can’t get anywhere by just yelling at a person. There’s a point where some sympathy has to be afforded. It’s not hand-holding just to offer a little understanding... This whole “tough love” era has been an exhausting thing to witness... though I admit, even I’ve engaged in it before. But it’s not useful to everyone. I think you have to know a person before you can really make use of a tactic like that. Otherwise, you just end up doing more damage than good... 

Apart from that, in less than a week, he’ll be coming home. I’m relieved because... I guess I kind of hate to admit it, but I need a break... I’ve been running ragged, feels almost nonstop this whole time. I did get a couple of good breaks, but still, the whole thing altogether... but then also I’m nervous. Because we’re not sure if this whole thing is going to hold. The docs haven’t mentioned keeping him longer, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been putting on a face in order to get out. But then again, if he’d wanted to get out, he could have walked out a lot sooner... maybe... I think... I’m just so afraid that nothing will have changed. The last few times I’ve visited him, he seemed just mellow. I guess neutral. Like not miserable but not so much all on the up and up either. I’m just trying to predict how it’s going to be. He said he was concerned that the kids would immediately stress him out once he was home. But Connor’s going to be around for a bit, so that should help... I just don’t know what to expect. So I’m nervous. And this week is probably going to whip on by. Then suddenly he’s going to be here. And it’s going to be surreal. And it’s only been three months. But really, that’s a quarter of a year... 

I’m just glad he’ll be home, though... I’m afraid but glad. I do wish I could just be one or the other. 

[komerdith]

ascendant/"rising sign": what people see when they meet you for the first time. your general appearance

sun sign: what people see when they get to know you better. often described as your basic personality/identity. when people ask you what your "sign" is- although no more important than your moon sign, this is the sign you tell them.

moon sign: this is what YOU feel. your true soul. what hurts you, what you need to feel stable, happy on a bare bones level, all lies here.

mercury: the mental process ie how you think/talk. also can point out what you are good at intellectually

venus: what you enjoy/do for fun. how you act in relationships.

mars: how you go after your aims. expressions of anger, sexual expression and style.

saturn: work. also, where you may feel inadequate lies here.

jupiter: where/how you find your luck in life

neptune: humanitarian side of you, the things you find that you daydream about. It can also be the fog that keeps you from seeing something or someone for what it really is.

uranus: how you seek to be individual and innovative. Normally the kind of things that you do that other people you know don't think of.

pluto: Control. where you seek it and how you go about getting it.

[komerdith]

One thing I’ve had to deal with for years has been my anger. In fact, there was a time, between... sixteen and twenty-one that I was pissed off and bitter about everything. Or it might have even begun earlier than that. I remember fourteen was just about around the time that I started to lose myself. 

I always read my sign for horoscopes. Mine being Capricorn. And I never feel like I fit my sign’s description. Which is always to the extent of “strong silent, no-nonsense workaholic type that secretly stresses out over everything.” 

Apart from stressing out over everything, I never really feel like I’m those other things... maybe I’m a bit of a workaholic... But that’s never on purpose... 

But then when I think back, that was me for a time. I could be pretty stern and serious. And I had a short temper. And I tried not to care. I worked so hard not to care. For a while, I convinced myself I didn’t. 

I managed to find myself again, and it’s all different, now. I feel for people, and I worry about them. I want to embrace life every second of every minute. Life is sacred. And it’s so fragile and so easy to lose. 

I saw a lot of things lost and I lost a lot of things. Loss is a pretty huge deal to me. The loss of life especially. When the loss of life can be brushed off so easily, or even ridiculed, it instantly boils me... Because once it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s irreparable damage. And the pain it causes is monumental. To know someone and have them speaking to you just days before, and now knowing that you will never hear their voice again. All of that life. Those ambitions and motivation. Hopes, dreams, and fears. All of it is just snapped away in an instant. And the worst part is that it is such a gigantic waste. 

And pain enough on its own is another one. Pain, fear, confusion. I’ve seen people in so much pain. Desperate people. Some of them even asked for help... 

I hate to see it because I can’t stand that there’s so much of it. That it can happen so easily. 

I’m not whining. I’m angry. Angry that it is this way. Angrier still that there are so many out there who don’t even care. 

I never want to think that it’s acceptable to disregard human life. Because for a while, that’s what I tried to do. And it left me the most hollow that I’d ever felt I’d been. I hate pain, I hate seeing people in pain, I hate seeing people cause others pain, I hate seeing people laugh at other people’s pain... I sometimes think about what I could have been. Above anything else, probably alone. I thank the sun and the stars for that girl who saved me. That girl I’ll likely never speak to again. 

But on a lighter note, though... just two more weeks... 

[komerdith]

tarot: it's coming. get ready.

me: what's coming?

tarot: it's coming.

me: what is?

tarot: ............................something.

me: what kind of thing???

tarot: ...it's coming.

[komerdith]

Sometimes when I visit Vince, there are other people visiting their loved ones, also. Especially on the weekend. And yesterday, I overheard a family talking. They were saying things like how they couldn’t believe their son/brother would try to do a thing like he did to himself when he clearly had so much family and friends that loved him. I heard them airing out their frustrations. How could he hurt them like that? Doesn’t he worry at all about the impact it would have on those who cared about him? 

And I know the same thing’s been said to Vince. The same thing’s been said to me. “But he has so many people who love him.” They’d ask me why would he want to hurt himself when he has so many who care about him. 

So I hear that, and I honestly don’t have an answer. Or at least, all I can say is that depression can warp your mind. It can just take over... and it can override everything. 

When I was really bad off, like really hitting a low point... I remember one day, I heard Nicky crying. He was just crying and crying, and I thought to myself that he was probably hungry. But I couldn’t get myself up off the couch. I couldn’t move. I just felt like one great boulder stuck sitting motionless on that couch. That was my little baby crying for me, and I couldn’t do shit. I knew I should, but I couldn’t. 

That’s just not something I can bring myself to tell people... Not outright anyway. Because I know I’d get looks of shock or disgust. How could I be so irresponsible? How could I be so selfish? 

The point is... that shit takes you over... and sometimes no matter how many times people ask you “why,” you just don’t have a reason to give to them. Which makes it all even more frustrating for both you and them. But that’s what mental illness is. Like any kind of illness... sometimes you just can’t find the cause, but that doesn’t make the illness go away. 

It isn’t selfish. But it does make everyone feel helpless. 

Just three more weeks. That’s if they don’t decide he needs to stay longer. But the goal by then is to have his dosages figured out. And the ECT treatment would be over. But we have to follow up periodically. 

I’ve found myself dreaming about him coming back. Most of them good dreams. So maybe that’s a good sign. 

[komerdith]

I’ve always thought, if you ever wanted to see what mental illness looked like, look no further than a hoarder’s home. If that’s not a physical manifestation of mental illness, then I don’t know what is. 

[komerdith]

They forgot everything the minute they were together again.

Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights   (via thequotejournals)

[komerdith]

I don’t know what will happen or what to expect come June. 

[komerdith]

Had a great day today, as the whole family visited a spa. It was a spur of the moment decision, but Connor and I agreed that everyone could use it. We even took the baby and Eliza. Connor and Ty found this place, and this place was amazing, man. It had a large pool, hot tubs, massage tables, a sauna, though we didn’t really hit the sauna. But next time, maybe... There was even a restaurant there where we ate dinner. It was great. Gotta say, the best part was the hot tubs. The water was so warm, and that is exactly what I needed. There was a daycare sort of playroom where Nicky was for the first part of it, then we brought him to the pool and taught him to swim a bit. I noticed, bringing him to the daycare, Nicky seems to be pretty good about interacting with other kids. These past two months, I’ve had to leave him at a day care. I’ve already mentioned it, but it’s run by our usual babysitter. And it looks like it’s helped Nicky to be more socialized. He looked pretty excited to see all the great stuff they had there, and the caretakers were sweet. 

Eliza went with us to get massages and the hot tubs, too, which were all pretty public. There were a lot of other families and kids around, so we fit right in. It was great, and tomorrow fortunately, the shop is closed. But I have Nicky. That won’t be so bad, though. Funny after the whole thing I feel tired. Relaxed at least. Just one thing I kind of wish. I know it probably goes without saying but some part of me wished Vince were there, too. But he’s getting his own kind of rest right now. 

He’s been going through that ECT treatment, but now instead of every other day, it’s down to once a week. But I think I do notice it having an effect. He was a little spacey the last few times I visited. I know that’s not permanent, but in a sense, it quiets his thoughts... he said that, anyway. And he could use a break from thinking for a bit. Still three more weeks of all this. Then I don’t know what afterward. 

A little bit off topic, but something I saw today really got to me. This family I know adopted a baby girl from this mother who had given her up for adoption. The adoption was all final, and I think the family had the baby girl for about a year. Then the mother suddenly came up and said she’d changed her mind. She wanted her daughter back. But the family kept saying “no,” that since this woman signed her rights away, she couldn’t have her daughter. At face value, that just seems so cold to me. And the thing is, people seem to agree with that. That just because a mother gave her baby up for adoption, she no longer has a right to her own child... Not even if she thought she might have made a mistake and wanted to get her baby back... Just that because she “signed her rights away,” she can never see her baby again... it just sounded so awful to me. 

Like I could understand this if the mother were not really being sincere. Like if she were actually unhealthy for the child. If she were neglectful or abusive. If she might even struggle heavily with substance abuse. If she were just in it for money or something... I could understand wanting to protect the child from her. But if she’s sincere? If she really did come to the conclusion that she did not actually want to give her child up after all, how can anyone just say to her, “No, you signed your daughter away, that’s it.” ?  I mean jesus... that’s her daughter. And imagine that child growing up, sometimes wondering about her biological mother. Wishing she could have known the woman and then being told that her mother had wanted to keep her after all... What kind of answer do you give to a child that asks you “Why didn’t you give me back to my mother when she asked for me?” What do you tell her? “Well, your  mother signed her rights away.”  That just sounds so damn cruel... 

Nothing’s ever that black and white. I hate to say it, but the reality is more likely that the mother is unfit to be a mother... there’s a reason she felt the need to put her daughter up for adoption in the first place. At the very least, it’s not like the girl could just be handed right back over. And after all that was done to make this girl part of this other family, it’s not like they’d just give her right up. They love her and consider her part of their family. And that’s great; that’s good. But it’s just more complicated than “Well the law says she’s ours, now, so you can’t have her.” 

I mean at the very least, couldn’t there be some compromise? If the mother wanted to stay in touch with the child, why not? Or supervised visits? If the mother proved herself to be genuinely sincere. Because none of this would be the case if the woman was doing this for selfish and careless reasons. Like trying to use her child to qualify for hand outs or some messed up shit like that... That kind of thing would be what had me worried most. Just what bothers me is that none of that seems to be the consideration. It just sounds like the family believes that as long as the mother signed away her rights, then that’s the end of it. It’s like they can just take the baby and run after that. The baby she carried for 9 months and went through intense labor for. I mean for christ’s sake, neither of them had to risk their physical health for this  kid. The mother’s body went through permanent changes to bestow life upon this girl... 

It’s none of my business, but I can’t help it that it breaks my heart. I remember when I found out about Eliza, and I had to decide whether or not I’d take her in or let the state keep her. And for a time, I thought I was going to let them keep her. I didn’t think I was mentally fit enough to take her in. But after a while, I decided that I could handle it after all. And I just think, fuck... what if that had been me? What if I gave my daughter up for adoption because my mental health had just not been great enough. Because I didn’t trust myself enough to be able to handle her. Say a year goes by and I’ve gotten better. My situation is better. But because I made that decision at that time... I could never see my daughter again. They can just keep her from me now, and that’s it. I’d feel awful. I’d have so much guilt. Knowing that my baby girl would never know me. Because the law just wouldn’t allow it. I just found that upsetting. But I don’t know the whole story. It’s more likely the mother isn’t sincere. She probably has her own agenda... or doesn’t have a solid understanding of her own situation. Because reality is shit like that... it just bothers me that no one seems to think that “because she signed her rights away” is just not enough of a reason to keep a mother’s child from her. 

 Apart from that, I’ve been feeling like an ass lately to be honest. Like I just fly in on people sometimes and kick off with these fucking lectures and really, I should just be minding my own fucking business. Just ragging on these people like I fucking know it all and just... I get angry, heh... It might not be obvious to people, but I get angry really fucking easily... when I see some kid mistreating his friends, I want to say something. Or I see someone bending over backwards to appease their abusive parents when they really should be demanding respect instead... see that’s all how I see it. But it’s... who am I? I don’t know shit, I only know what I see right there in sentences on a screen. So who am I? ... I can only hope that whatever the fuck I say is actually right and helpful... but I could be less of an ass about it, too. I’m just used to... being angry. Like when Vince does shit he shouldn’t be doing, I always instantly fly into angry reprimanding. But for Vince, the man needs that. Or it won’t stick with him. With him it’s another story. But the problem is that I get so used to it. It starts leaking into conversations with other people. That and I just hate abuse... that’s just become a knee-jerk reaction in me. People getting mistreated... people laughing at the pain of others. Blatant disregard for life. It’s selfish. It’s childish. And boy have I put up with enough of that shit. I’m fucking tired of seeing it. So it pisses me off when it happens. 

It’s late. I can’t think of anything else that’s been on my mind. But just had to air out my thoughts. Another aside, I’ve been thinking about my ex financee from years back. That hasn’t fucking helped, haha... Sometimes I wish I could talk to her. Or at least check in on her to see how she’s doing. But she’d be pissed to hear from me. 

I am going to really drag myself down with all this. After this amazing day with Connor and Ty and the kids, too. That is what I do best, of course. Turning sunshine into rain. 

It’s just... just for here, anyway. It was a great day. We all needed it. Now, I need to sleep. I wonder. Tomorrow I think I’ll write to Aunt Takara. I haven’t spoken to her in a while and I think I’d just like to hear from her. And.... I miss my grandmother. And I’m just thrilled that I have one. 

Okay, for real this time. I’m off to bed. 

[komerdith]

One of my favorite quotes by Carl Sagan💫

[komerdith]

[komerdith]

© Terri Gilecki

[komerdith]

Next week, they’re going to start the ECT treatments. They think it’ll help kickstart his response to his medication and also let’s face it. He’s probably needed something like this for years... it might even help with some of the other issues he’s had to deal with for some while. So... we’re all  hopeful yadda yadda... we’re always hopeful... and I’m scared. Terrified. From the sounds of it, memory loss is more or less a guarantee. But it’s not like... losing whole years of your life or anything. But like definitely a couple of months. But then for some people it’s not even that much... So that’s what’s coming up. And it’s had my nerves all shot to hell. So I’ve been kind of... just nervous about everything. High strung... 

Then Eliza’s been getting teased at school. Her crush, Kevin, that kid turned out to be a little chump. But now his friends are teasing her. I went in and spoke with her principal but the most they can do is just keep a lookout. I just feel awful for her and pissed off at those kids... Why the hell can’t they just leave her be after all this? Shit, though, I have vague memories of the kids and how mean they could be at Ambergrove. I mean I love kids, but kids can also be little assholes sometimes... 

Nicky’s not happy with daycare, either. He’s getting tired of it, I can tell. He seemed to take to it really well at first, which I was surprised for that. It’s our usual babysitter, though, so that must help since he’s used to her anyway. But now she’s saying that he’s starting to cry more and for longer periods of time. We’re all gettin’ a little worn out, here, haha... 

But I just wanted to pop in for updates and all... I’ve been watching and listening to TEDTalks. I still have this crazy idea that I could put one together. Which is funny because like... you can’t even have one unless there’s an event that has a theme that’s related to the talk you want to give. And there are none with my theme in this area, so... I guess I’d have to find some other platform maybe... if I ever find the time to put together an actual speech for what I’d want to say... with strong enough points that I could convince people to actually let me give it. Dreams are fun to have, at least... 

[komerdith]

They’re going to try ECT. So that means dealing down on some of his meds. I’m both nervous and hopeful... I have no idea what this could do to him, and he admits, he’s not too sure either. But I read that sometimes it can help... just seems so odd to deliberately incite a seizure... but that’s what’s coming up. 

Says he’s just staying to himself and writing. But he’s had some issues with some of the other people there... not surprised, and I was waiting for that. What does surprise me is that nothing too serious has happened. Which tells me that he’s able to maintain himself. And in a place like that, I’m impressed. But I think it helps that we see each other a couple of times a week. I know that when I go to visit him, even if it’s only for about an hour a day, it can hold me over for the rest of the evening... at least a good part of the time. And so I’m willing to guess it’s the same for him. He’s able to keep calm. And he talks with his doctor, but no Eurekas or epiphanies so far.  Our anniversary was last week. The 6th. I went to see him and it was just... at least we could spend the time together. A tradition we’ve had is going into D.C. to see the cherry blossoms each spring, so I miss being able to do that this year. We could have even taken the kids. In fact, I mentioned that to him, but he said the problem with tradition is that it gets old. Not to me, heh... I enjoy the long walk, the breeze  in the trees, the water... It’s always crowded, though, but still it’s nice. If you walk far enough, you can find a side of the bank where fewer people have bothered to go. 

When I got back to the shop, that day, though, I had a visitor. In truth, I’m not sure what to make of it all... I admit, I get incredibly nervous when she’s around. One, because like always, I don’t trust myself around women anymore. I mean I don’t know if I can keep from... getting too flirty or too close. And already I’ve gotten too close, it seems. And that worries me, too, because I don’t trust myself emotionally, either. I mean... something I have a habit of doing, I realized over the years, that really bothers me. I can get really attached to someone... or more like I can feel very passionately about someone. Then when I get close to them, after a while... that passion just kind of drops away. 

Like some years back, I got together with this guy and it was like... within a month, I just stopped going to see him... and so I knew I had to break up with him... told him I loved him and then weeks later, it was just... like it all just fell away. See that’s what worries me... When I was young, I traveled a lot... but it was usually for work so I didn’t have much time for anything else... but there were nights when I could just go out and do whatever. And so I’d meet girls that way. But I’d fall for them... haha... It almost never seemed to fail. Always just... adored them immediately. But then I knew I only had so much time before I’d have to be on the move again. So everything had to be quick. It always had to be a whirlwind romance and then curtain falls. I had to “break up” with so many girls... I just started to adapt to that lifestyle. Fall in love quick. Have a good time. Make some memories. Then pack it up and move on. And I think that stayed with me.  Because now it seems like I can’t hold that passion... at least...

Because then I think of my husband and Connor. And clearly I’m able to maintain a loving relationship. Clearly I can love someone indefinitely... so I don’t know why it ends up so oddly with other people. I love them all, I truly feel that. But I couldn’t find myself sticking around... 

I only knew Rhonda for a year. When she was gone and never contacted me again, I just accepted that so quickly... and that’s the mother of my child... 

I met Marlene right after her. Just moved on, like I always did... but then I tried to stay with Marlene. And fucked that up royally... 

In fact, I have been thinking about her a lot, lately. I miss her... but she can’t even stand to talk to me. It upsets her to think of me. It hurts. It’s painful to know that someone you love so dearly hates you so much in return... 

She should have stayed away from me. I shouldn’t have humored her when she’d come to visit me. 

So... I don’t trust myself. Because  if something happened, I don’t know what that would do to Vince.  And I can’t do that to him while he’s in a hospital. It would just be cruel... so when she showed up at my shop on our anniversary after I’d just seen him, shit... I was fucking nervous. But I’m always nervous. Because I know that I am capable of fucking things up pretty badly. I can drag people into situations they never would have placed themselves in. So I try to keep my distance. I hate letting people down... 

Poor Eliza got turned down by her would-be boyfriend, too. Stuffy little kid. So she’s been down in the dumps right along with me. So it’s movies and ice cream when we have the time. She’s really getting into this new (old?) band, too. I hear her playing that music a little more often in her room. I certainly don’t blame her. When I was a kid, music was just about all I had. It can really save a soul.