kokerel

[kokerel]

A few days ago I found out that Mr G got married and tomorrow I embark on my first trip with M. It's been years since I thought about Mr G and I truly think I have gotten over the guy who repeatedly ghosted me. But for some reason it still felt weird to think of him marrying someone else. Maybe it's because I never got closure over how things ended with him. Maybe it's my competitive side feeling like I've lost to someone, seeing someone live a dream that I once thought I could live. I have so much in M now, all things that I could once only dream about as well, and I just hope I get out of this funk soonest. Putting this here just in case it might be worth documenting.

[kokerel]

To S:

Thank you for the ride, but this is where I get off, with so many things left unsaid.

I’d like to think that I gave it my best shot and so I was ok to let go, and even asked to be let go. So I am shocked at how many tears were shed.

I am known as Doris / Gigi / Kokerel / Ah Ma, but I am ultimately still WY. For some reason I have kept what is core to WY well protected through a concoction of caustic humour, material affects and manufactured lightheartedness. It is a lonely road as an only child with 2 parents to support through retirement, and I desperately need someone who will understand and be there to give me a hug every so often. It is also hard because despite the pain that family caused, it remains such an important source of comfort, one that is being taken away with the ravages of time.

I would love for someone who can show up for me but I can also show up for myself. And maybe this time that’s exactly the problem and I feel sorry to the little girl inside of me that wasn’t given a fair shot. I must’ve been under the false impression that I would be worth discovering and knowing, worth the effort and time to peel back the veneer, because I was so eager to know you too, but we just never got there.

I will have to navigate and learn how to be more true to myself without letting go of other things that have also become an integral part of me over the years. Hopefully this will one day lead me to someone who will engage me in the conversations we never had. And hopefully that person will keep choosing me time and time again, as I intend to, him.

Today I look at you turning your back on me for the last time. 

I look forward to the day I only remember the good times, when you returned to find me when we went on different paths in Rottnest Island and when you reached your hand out to me to get on the shuttle to the Perth Airport.

[kokerel]

It has been 2 days since I shaved my head, and the most common thing I’ve heard is how brave I am for taking this step.

I don’t mean to wax lyrical about how my femininity is not defined by my hair and how doing this has allowed me to let go of these pre-conceived notions. But it has. For the first time in 3 months I don’t dread taking a shower, changing out of my clothes, or dread the wind blowing. It is what it is and at least I don’t feel like an imposter having to hide things now. I don’t think I look as bad without hair as I thought and that has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t think of myself as any less of a woman or person than I was before this.

I understand that the comment about bravery comes from a good place. It is a statement of people seeing the strength in me that I am ever so proud of, but it is also a constant reminder that I am now different.

Sometimes I feel like I will ultimately come to terms with this and not read this much into things - I just need time to get used to this. But sometimes I fear that there is just no way of coming back from this.

[kokerel]

It sometimes feels like I’ve heard it all - it will be ok, you still look fine, just don’t think about it because it’s not like you can do anything about it, you are not alone, over 50% of women experience hair loss at some point in their lives. I know they are said with kind intentions, mostly by people that I know care about me. But some days I just find it harder than others to accept this with grace. Most days it is still hard to watch my hair continue to fall out.

It feels like a weird thing to say, but it is the hope that kills. Every day could be the last day that I will lose hair, but with every day that passes that I lose hair, the worse I feel.

On Tuesday I reached the end of my tether and cried for what felt like a full hour. It isn’t the first time this has happened but it had also never been this bad. Every time it happens I toy with the idea of shaving my hair off but every time I cling on to hope and delay it for another week - maybe the next treatment round is the one that will work, maybe my hair will stop falling tomorrow.  

Somehow this time it felt different though. Maybe it’s because it has happened one too many times. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been devastated enough over anything to cry while eating dinner. 

And so I have decided to finally shave my head. Tomorrow will be the day. I have wasted too many of my days feeling conscious and shame over something that has happened due to no fault of mine. Days I did not live fully, held back only by myself.

As the day draws near I’m surprisingly at peace with my decision but I would also be lying if I said there are no reservations whatsoever. Chief among these is whether I will still find perceived as attractive, which feels like a stupid thing to say.

I had always joked that I am a solid 5 in appearance and I’m ok with it because I like to believe I bring other things to the table. When I’m feeling especially confident I’d even say that I’m the damned table. I still think that’s true and I don’t intend to think of myself as less of just because I’m not going to have hair (temporarily or otherwise). But at the same time, I cannot control what other people think. By nature of the way we met, there had to be some physical consideration that led to the meeting in the first place. I believe at some point we will be able to look past just the physical things but I’m cannot be sure everyone thinks the same. It could very well be seen as me not keeping up my end of the bargain. I would hate to hold him back, making him stay just because it is the right thing to do and he thought it would crush me if he left at this juncture.   

But in my moments of weakness I think I’m choosing to take things at face value and deal with things as they come. I am feeling at peace and vulnerable all at the same time. Hopefully I will continue to find peace in this decision and ultimately be at peace with myself at the end of this. 

[kokerel]

"There now, steady love, so few come and don’t go. Will you, won’t you, be the one I always know.”

The song is about finding a partner, someone you want to look after. It is ironic that this has been on repeat for the past 2 days, but I suppose its only 2 lines of lyrics that I’m focusing on, and I suppose for while I did think I had found someone that I wanted to look after.

I thought I had found someone that despite circumstances had grown into a gentle soul capable of loving fiercely and that I could fill some gaps for, however inconsequential they might seem. But somewhere along the way the line between fiction and non-fiction became blurred, and I’m not sure how much of it is my own doing.

The free falling continues and I’m desperately grasping at straws, reaching out for help and clarity. Do I look bad? Am I boring? Not smart enough? Did I behave badly? Is there another perspective to this and I’m just too selfish to look past my own emotions? Am I just a bad person in general? Or did I just make up a story that I liked and wilfully ignored all the signs?

It feels silly to ask for closure because it feels like I was the only one who cared and I sound like an overly-invested 14-year-old saying this. It was 5 months to me and nothing to him. He was a partner to me and I was just another person for him to pass time with. I feel like a crazy bitch asking for closure when nothing began for him.

At least it feels like that now and I cry. Crying seems silly too because the person I’m crying over could have been a result of my imagination and I never did know the real person. That I even placed as much importance as I did, that I thought we had a future, that I thought I was good enough might be something I cringe at years later but it occupies my consciousness now.

It’s just not worth it, friends say. A part of me knows, agrees, says fuck yes.

But they don’t know how many small moments in the past 5 months brought me comfort. When he went out of the room to do work because I was sleeping. When he holds my hand walking back after dinner as he takes his work call. When he plays his game and tells me it’s ok to talk if I want to. When he tells me my medical condition will be ok. When he walks out of the hotel lobby to meet me because he didn’t want me to wait. When he rushes back after the casino so I’m not alone for too long.

“Wherever I go to drink, there will be a place for you too, if you want to go...” It rings and it stings because I found comfort in it, and because it can be withdrawn within 10 minutes of utterance if he decides to.

What do you do when the tides turn this quickly and you plummet from such great heights? At least I have friends who care, I tell myself. I feel fragile, vulnerable and unwanted. But at least I’m not alone.

So few come and don’t go and so few are ones I always know. But these people do exist. And I will hold them close.

[kokerel]

Question 34 of 36 Questions that lead to love: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

I keep a little box of knick knacks (letters, cards, ang pows, photographs given to me) of all memories that I'd thought I might want to look back on. I don’t have a real Instagram to publicly track all my happy memories because I think it’d make me too self-conscious and also because I have this little box.

I’ve been adding to the box through the years but never really looked through it till tonight, courtesy of insomnia. I’m sure every addition was intentional but it’s strange how few of these I actually remember adding. Some are from people who were there from the beginning and some from people who have stuck around for a while (and that I pray will continue to stick around). A good number, though, hung around for a little while with a previous version of myself that I am not entirely proud of. 

I haven’t opened this box in 2 years. I suppose I’m doing it now because I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with loneliness and just needed to unpack some things. 

The box isn’t a big one but it’s really filling out now, and that’s still something. It’s nice during times like these to remember that I was never alone and am probably not alone despite how I perceive things. These feelings of loneliness will undoubtedly return at some point and I can only hope this box will continue to help me like it did today.

[kokerel]

I thought that you were holy water, But you were just acid rain

[kokerel]

✨✨✨

[kokerel]

Some people have a hard time letting love in. Some people are built for love. Some people... Some people are searching for someone who can love them in the way that they deserve.

Netflix’s You, Season 1 Episode 7

7 January 2019, 11:46pm

[kokerel]

Goodbye for now

Day 3: The main activity today was supposed to be trekking up Yangmingshan qixing peak. Getting to Yangmingshan from Taipei main station involves an hour long bus ride that I didn’t think I was capable of doing when I first set foot in Taiwan. This turned out to be only achievement today though, as it was raining much too heavily for trekking once I reached the mountain. Not going to say that I was not disappointed after all the effort to get there. But as I told JW, I guess it is all part of the game - sometimes plans don’t work out and we just roll with the punches. The rest of the day turned out pretty amazing, watching Taipei 101 fireworks with C and CH. A year ago we celebrated together as well, as 2 single ladies but this year she has a plus one. As of late, there have been moments where I wished I too had someone to share my life with and envy grips me, but today I see that she is happy and I am happy for her too. Wished everyone I loved a happy new year and someone wished me a kinder and gentler 2019 but more than anything I wish for me and not just life to grow in those capacities.

Day 4: Checkout was to be done by 11 and I woke up with a jolt at 10:52. Up and out in 15 minutes is my first achievement of the day... Didn’t really feel like more greasy Taiwanese breakfasts so I opted for Starbucks and it was nice that I can choose to do non-touristy things when I feel like it because I’m travelling alone and there isn’t anyone to accommodate. The road to Starbucks was the same way as I had taken to Fuhang Soy and I managed to find my way there without google maps - another small triumph I celebrated today. The walk there was peaceful and easy, listening to my music and snapping a few pics with the trusty La Sardina. In the many quiet moments I had today in between shopping for souvenirs and my own things, I looked back and realised how much I had achieved without realising - planning day trips, travelling out of the city centre, taking care of my own things, chatting with strangers and just looking out for myself in general. I leave Taipei in a few minutes still as wide-eyed but more sure-footed in this city and most importantly more comfortable with listening to and taking care of myself. For now I can’t wait to go home but I will be back for more solo trips soon, whether in Taiwan again or somewhere more exotic. This is my season of becoming.

[kokerel]

Checking in

Day 1: Arrived in Taipei thinking I’d be ready to explore. But I was mostly scared and retired to bed early. I used to like to say that I need time alone once in a while but it’s different to say you are ok alone and to say you are comfortable being alone. On my first day with everything and everyone I hold dear a thousand miles away, I found that I am more than anything, scared to be alone.

Day 2: I woke up early but was hesitant to step out and start the day I had planned for myself. A heavy breakfast and ample pep talk, however, did the trick and I eventually found my pace and visited several places: jiufen, keelung, xiang shan, tong hua night market. The trains here are different from Singapore’s - they are slower and take longer to pull away from the stations, almost hesitant. The trains move just the same way as I do here, I think - every movement more well thought out and more deliberate, stopping every few steps to recalibrate and look around, not always in a mad rush to get around. I miss everything and everyone at home, but I like the pace and consideration in the life I’ve been living here. My last real activity of the day was climbing up Xiangshan and regrettably, it was foggy and and Taipei 101 was not fully in view. Snapped a few quick pictures but none with me in frame, and I decided then I will come back to Taipei one day with someone I love, to show him the place that I have discovered by myself, for myself...

[kokerel]

Keeping a record

I leave for the airport in a few hours for my first solo trip and it’s a strange mix of excitement and apprehension I’ve never felt before. Feeling very melancholic about leaving home this time and this is a foreign feeling to me - I’ve always been so eager to leave the house but it’s somehow different this time round. My chest feels tight with anxiety but growth awaits and when I come back I will be a better person, a better daughter and a better friend. Putting this here to keep a record and to hold myself accountable.

[kokerel]

[kokerel]

There will now forever be a time in my life that I will be less than proud to tell my parents about, where I forged bonds that are less than meaningful. “The worst nights make for the best stories” was something I lived by religiously and this song reminded me of that. 

In equal portions though, this reminds me of when I was 17 or 18 and indie music was all I listened to - light and groovy tunes for days filled with light. Haven’t listened to anything remotely “indie” in a long time and today I put this song on loop. 

Maybe I’m reconnecting with my past and reconciling what I mean to myself now and what I want to mean to myself in the future. I am still working towards being more whole but every time I feel like I’m starting to take steps forward something pulls me back. 

Progress is not linear, I know. But knowing is not understanding and I’m not sure I understand that yet. 

[kokerel]

Important reminders, especially for these days

[kokerel]

For about 2 years now, I’ve been resisting going to pay my respects to popo. That the burning of joss paper and lighting of joss sticks didn’t fit in my system of belief played a part, but mostly doing these things made me upset. It was uncomfortable to think that someone who played such an important part in my life and still invokes so many feelings in me can be reduced to a picture on a wooden tablet. It was pathetic having to hold make pretend conversations with it like I would with her. And so I resisted. 

This year mum was insistent that I joined. Through all the small talk and grumbling from me she revealed her reasons - that one day when she was gone, when all those from her generation fall into the past tense, someone had to do what they were doing and I had to get in the habit. She said it nonchalantly but I know she feels helpless and worried about aging.

She is aging, and I am still growing. One day the features of her face will blur around the edges like popo’s and all I can remember well will be intangible feelings when I see / do something we have done together. I will start to remember these people who surround me as deja vus. 

Every year we feel our skins dry and stretch in front of the furnace, put up with the joss stick fumes stinging our eyes and hold make pretend conversations to show we remember those that have come and gone. We do it to hold ourselves accountable - we still remember and will continue to miss all those that have brightened our lives at some point. Today I miss popo a little more. One day I will miss those that stood around me at the annual ritual. And hopefully when it comes my time I will have people who will miss me the same.  

[kokerel]

I was scheduled to meet S today to talk - I am needing all the hand-holding I can get to find me again and I’m fortunate to have friends who I can always count on for growth and good advice. 

It didn’t happen and I spent the whole trip home just letting my mind wander and it struck me how much things have changed.

3 years ago some time today, I was attending university camps and it was around this time I met W. Life became a lot different very quickly. Just shy of a year ago, I let W’s hand go, and my life was tinted a different colour again. 

Since, many other hands have reached out and provided me a reliable safety net, some drifted out of my horizon and yet some came and pushed me away in a direction I never thought I would take. I found myself looking for W’s hand sometimes, waiting for him to pull me back.

Change has always come difficult to me and especially so this time round. Trying to make us a good whole became such an important part of my life that I didn’t realise I was losing my inner voice. Being alone again (at least much more than before) was so much harder precisely because of this. I had become a stranger looking in on myself and it was upsetting to be uncomfortable with my own thoughts. 

But today on the train, I heard me talk to me again for a good hour. I fumbled (I’d grown much too used to having my voice projected onto a friend over good food) but gradually found my pace.

I am a baby again, learning again to walk but at the end of this I will be ever more firm in my steps. I’m learning to make myself whole again. Every day a little kinder and a little wiser but always malleable to love and growth. Life has been different - not any better or worse, just different - and I’m finding more things that matter and more people to love.