koitalks

[koitalks]

sept 15

i feel like you need to remind yourself: she made that choice. you did not make her cheat, SHE MADE THAT CHOICE. and the moment she did, that means she did not care about you as much as you thought she did. that's why you have to MOVE THE FUCK ON AND LEAVE HER BEHIND BC SHE CAN'T TAKE UP THE SPACE IN YOUR BRAIN LIKE THIS!!! SAYANG AS IN

theres a lot of other things you can focus on. please focus on those na.

she does not deserve to be thought about. ni ikaw nga di nya inisip, alam nya na licensure exam mo at lahat lahat? yari ka. think about WHAT ACTUALLY MATTERS. focus on that.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

sept 12

Hm. Muntik lang ako mag-breakdown ulit.

Anger is an awful feeling but that's really all I felt seeing her message. Edi dinelete ko nalang, gago. She knows what she did is wrong. Alam nya yon. Kaya ayan, di nya deserve ng reply, kaya wala, bahala sya jan mag-overthink.

To her;

How would you feel, knowing that the first time I introduced you to my friends was not because we officially got together after 4 years- honestly, would have been a nice story- but because you lied and hurt me? That you cheated, didn't hold up your end of the deal? That you kept up the act as if everything was the way it was, when it wasn't?

I expected better, really. But I should've seen it coming. Even if you always said you'd wait for me.

Sayang noh, kung di ka nangaliwa edi sana magkikita pa tayo next year. Now you have to start all over again with someone else. Good luck nalang talaga lol, di mura bumili ng ticket.

I hope my silence speaks volumes. I hope it keeps you up at night for a long time. Gago. Pag-isipan mo kung ano sinayang mo haha.

Sana nung sinabi ko na we didn't have to be exclusive anymore , nag-agree ka nalang. Tutal ilang beses mo na rin binring up. Pero ayaw mo naman. Tapos nangaliwa ka? Di naman ako nagkulang- araw-araw kita kinausap, without fail, kahit may exam, internship, finals, family, friends, kahit pagod na pagod ako.

If it wasn't good enough then, kung tinuloy natin, would it have been good enough at all?

Because of your selfishness, ayan gumulo lalo. Kung sinabi mo din naman ng mas maaga baka sinuportahan ko pa kayo. Sana sinabi mo nalang na itigil na natin, kasi umaasa parin ako sayo nun eh. Akala ko talaga totoo na. Pero wala. Yan napapapala pag sinungaling talaga.

At least I got off from this with a clean conscience. Yes, I made mistakes- I didn't have enough time, I couldn't do the things she wanted to do with me, in the end, incompatible lang talaga. Pero at least alam ko sa sarili ko na di ako nag-break ng promise, that I held up my end of the deal. Siya, incompatible na nga, sinira nya pa dahil nangaliwa sya. It's her loss, not mine.

to quote reddit: being exclusive means choosing one person over and over again, even when, not IF, attraction happens. its inevitable they will find someone else to be comfy with, pero they have to set their boundaries dahil nag-agree nga maging exclusive. kahit ano pang mangyari, si exclusive partner pa rin priority.

ok lang sana kung open relationship, but we never agreed to that. hays.

to me:

3 months maximum before you ask someone out officially. pinaasa mo din naman kasi sya. ofc its inevitable that she will get bored of you. define boundaries, EXPLICITLY. do a regular relationship check. let her know non-negotiables. talk about expectations.

at the end of the day: you did not deserve to get hurt, humiliated, disrespected. you weren't perfect, you did things wrong, but not everything was a mistake. you also did your best to be there for her, despite the limitations. nasa sakanya na yon if she did not feel it was 'enough'. yun talaga mahirap sa LDR. next time, sa susunod, kung meron man- do not string her along. made sure she feels treasured, loved. do your best for her, but make sure that your efforts mean something to her.

its hard to trust someone again after this, but please start with your friends. im proud of you for opening up and trying to reach out recently. im proud of you for trying to make new friends. im proud of you for trying to pick yourself up, and using this as a lesson to improve. im proud of you for seeing your worth, and not backtracking. im proud na you're still doing your studies, kahit cramming pa man, imbis na maging heartbroken. im proud you're using the pain you're feeling for doing productive things din. im proud na yung iniiyak mo ngayon, its not for feeling bad about her, its for feeling for yourself. tinupad mo nga that you will put yourself first this time. i hope that you don't lose yourself, your morals, and that you will be able to trust someone whole again one day. for your sake, piliin mo na ng mabuti.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

sept 5

well, i thought i could go for a few days without crying kasi di ako umiyak kagabi. WRONG LOL, i feel like gusto ko nanaman magbreak down wooooo

its unfair talaga she gets to move on without any consequences. i shouldnt care bc at the end of the day she disrespected me and broke my trust.

i dont want to feel this way again, sobrang sakit. ang hirap na laging galit, na bitter. gago.

i deserve to focus on myself. to advance my career this time. if magkakaroon ng partner, dapat marunong maging honest at independent. yung di takot makipag communicate. yung may pangarap sa buhay at may plano kahit onti :) may career, marunong maging stable, kayang mabuhay mag-isa. never again to being codependent hahahha. i deserve someone who respects my time and my trust.

for me, i need to do better and show how dedicated i am to them. step out of my comfort zone and start using vc. ikwento sya sa mga kaibigan ko. hays. see it through, magseryoso.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

sept 1

had doubts again kasi i keep checking her profile on twitch. ty reddit for bringing me to my senses.

even if di naging kayo, you still had an agreement. kung di siya tumupad, that's a her problem.

she could've broken it off months ago. we even talked about the exclusiviy shit din. she could've pursued a relationship with the other guy without holding you on to that exclusivity.

what happened is that she went and broke that agreement behind your back. its still a breach of trust.

if she really cared, she wouldn't have hid it from you in the first place. why would you want someone like that as a friend, much more a partner? di ka man lang ipinaglaban until nagalit ka na.

masakit pero you have to move on from caring na.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

aug 31

theres some part of me that wants you to regret choosing him over me dahil lang you emotionally depended on him for what, a few months?

but some part of me na hoping you're doing ok dahil alam ko naman ano nangyayare pag nagka-fo ka.

pero ano ba dapat pakialam ko anjan naman sya diba :)

sighs. ive really thought about if tama and if justified yung galit ko. turns out yes, ofc justified. may usapan tas di tumupad. di naman kelangan mental gymnastics para makita na mali mo yon teh

ig ok lang sana kung nakipag break na sya tas saka sila naglandian. i think i wouldve been supportive pa. antagal na namin pinagusapan non. hays. some people talaga masyadong emotionally dependent

next time ill find someone who's mature enough hopefully.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

aug 29

relapsed again and looked at her other accs pero at least exnocontact was pretty good for reassurance. theres some part of me that wants her to regret casting me aside pero what's the point in wanting to re-bridge after that kind of treatment? just accept na, that in the end, she wanted the easy way out.

i would never grow as a person if i continued being with someone like her. now i even applied to a mod job, actually talking more on twt with people, wanting to engage and wanting to make friends. was it a toxic codependency? most likely. pero now im starting to realize things i could and should have been doing.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

so ironic sinulat ko na to 2 years ago pa.

something tells me i just. need to get ready emotionally.

if it fails i guess i have to remind myself this shouldnt stop me from connecting with others

but im also tired of everything not being able to work out

is asking for being successful for once already too much?

[koitalks]

aug 28

we talked it out. it did not go well for her. i left a final message na and going no contact. isang araw palang and i relapsed, haha. pero ill take it one day at a time.

she cheated- plain and simple. she had so many chances to break it off formally but she acknowledged she refused to let go bc she was selfish.

hmm.

rn i think galit and disappointed ako more than anything. says a lot about her tbh. im not staying friends with someone who's like that. never giving her a chance again, ever.

i had my own faults. di ko rin naman ni-reject nung maaga palang. i also lead her on. i always made sure to tell her she can let go na. ik di rason yung suicidal tendencies nya to not cut her off pero huhu. ig gusto ko rjn naman ng makakasama.

i think its just cruel to not at least tell me that things werent okay for months and that she wanted a break. eh si gaga onti lang sinabi, akala ko crush lang. di naman sinabi na ay kami na pala nung tayo pa rin. di naman daw maka-decide tas di daw inexpect na magkaka-ganon sila. isang bagsakan lang din sinabi. did she expect na mag-ook lang ako? haha. kung maayos niya sana ginawa edi sana di nagkaganto.

edi good luck nalang sa kanila lol. i have a feeling na di tatagal. bahala sya magsisi jan pagdating ng panahon.

thinking of all the things i could improve on myself bc may kasalanan din naman ako. also some other things i want to make clear sa next, kung meron man.

- set very clear boundaries at the start

- dapat may expected time from talking stage to serious. di puwedeng talking stage forever. maybe 6 months max

- pag ayaw talaga magcommit after 6 months edi cut your losses- hanggang friend nalang. or strangers kung ayaw nya magkeep ng contact. wag mo na patagalin

- put in effort into letting them know you care for them.

- put effort in knowing their hobbies, talk to them in vc. wag ka na mag-alangan. do your best.

- not talk ALL the time. they need to know di ka instant, putangina. also to lessen chances of toxic codependence. must understand na may avoidant attachment style ka.

- they need to be supportive in the things you do. di sila magaalangan.

- di nang gagaslight. hay. dito ata ako lagi sumasablay lol. they should NOT weaponize their mental health against you. they cannot use it as collateral or threaten you into doing something bad if you try to reject/leave

- must be independent. yung di ma-iinsecure dahil lang di ka nagpakita ng mga 1 oras.

- dapat may pangarap sa buhay. ang hirap neto. like i wanted to be supportive sa art and shit nya but she had 0 plans for the future. dealbreaker if di nageeffort maghanap man lang ng trabaho fr. atp i believe she will never be independent dahil nakaasa nalang sya sa allowance ng nanay nya.

- maluho sa tamang bagay. she spent so much on adopts. nothing wrong with that- kaso nga lang WALA SYANG TRABAHO AND SHE ALWAYS DID PAYMENT PLANS. kung may luho man, at least towards things na she can use- clothes, etc.

- di impulsive sa pagbili. point above. i need to control this too.

i think di naman ako nagkulang sa letting her know i care for her but... sighs. if nakulangan siya then we're just not compatible and it was never going to work out.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

aug 22

felt like shit again nung gabi. akala ko ok na ako.

ayan si todo iyak.

in a way, im relieved na ngayon nangyare to. im thankful in a weird way kasi if this happened after boards? at home? idt i wouldve been able to function

so yea. just trying to see the positives rn

theres sm more positives pero ang overwhelming lang talaga pag malungkot. ang hirap pa din, 3 days palang. hay. gusto ko lang naman maging ok ulit.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

aug 21

huhu buti nalang sinamahan ako nila k at j. malamang baka umiyak nanaman ako ng todo pagkauwi. HAHAHA

but so far... i had a good day. an okay day. ang galing di ko nga masyado naisip sa review.

first time i had other friends over, good job me for doing that for the first time.i had fun eating takoyaki in our makeshift dinner table. naglaro nanaman ng dti tangina.

ngayon lang ako nagooverthink malala bago matulog. nagpost na rin ako sa venting subreddit, idk, maybe for some validation

its nice na even strangers can give you feelings of being cared for. si isaac at eni nag check in saken kagabi. it means so much. kahit simpleng 'hope ur okay' means so much. i think ive been underestimating them for too long...

self esteem still in the bottom of the pit pero trying to pick it back up for my sake. i did an oc portrait- had a lot of fun making that. comm request got approved... i'm excited. i have so much things to look forward to. i feel blessed in some ways. sad parin, pero at least suwerte.

hays. sige maybe one more crying sesh kasi deserve ko din naman mag let out ng hinanakit ng onti. pero you can do this self, wahaha. nakayanan mo dati makakayanan mo din ulit :) you're worth more and you deserve s o much better.

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

journal of thoughts after the shit that went down today 👍🏽

aug 20

ofc i feel like shit im crying lol. i feel like ive seen this film before vibes JQHAHAH. my self esteem is at its lowest. maybe the low lowest bc its happened twice. idk. alam ko naman na parating na eh tas di pa ako lumayo, wala man lang ka plan b plan c or whatever. haystt.

keep thinking na ako ba yung nagkulang??? ako ba kulang????? tangina third time na toh, ano ba ginagawa kong mali 🥲

will update mamaya for gratitude bago matulog. ayaw ko matulog na kakatapos umiyak, mahahalata sa mukha ko sa review bukas wahaha.

[koitalks]

my period is over why do i feel like shitt ugh

i have to keep it together and pretend everything's fine though lol 👍

[koitalks]

like. ig its expected ppl would push me away/don't like approaching me/ dont rlly want to spend energy on me for reasons but it doesnt rlly. make it hurt any less

[koitalks]

oh my fucking god i kinda feel alone rn

[koitalks]

bad time to rmb my exes lol

i dont even feel that upset anymore but i feel like eh

i dont know fffuck

aa

i hate feeling like this

is it rlly that bad for me to put myself first lol

i think i deserve to after all this time

i cant keep doing this like this

[koitalks]

sometimes im tired of being the caretaker / bigger person

i think this might be why i dont want to commit myself to a relationship anymore (?) lol

its nice that someone cares for me that way but hmmmmm

idk i want to be taken care of too

this is a very selfish train of thought but slehwj i reach my limit and

this is too similar to all the past ones otl

im going to run out of energy again one day

and ill hurt someone again

[koitalks]

i'm not going to care anymoremlol what happens happens 🫠👍