kkuljaemm

[kkuljaemm]

Wolf in the Mountains

[kkuljaemm]

instead of trying to build myself up again, i just dealt with the rubble, now that the rubble has turned into ask, i think it's time i realized i need to face trying to build myself up again

[kkuljaemm]

everything i've done all my life is to search for answers

if i stop searching for answers, will i stop having questions?

[kkuljaemm]

at this point in time i believed that there was always something wrong with me. there was nothing in this world that i could do correctly. because even if i was having a hard time, everything became my fault because i couldn't take care of you the way that you wanted. you lived in your head and shaped me to become the villain. and i was encased with so much hatred, but not for you, but of myself.

i tried so hard to keep the peace that i began to lose myself, being too kind, being too sweet.

i realized i had all these bad thoughts and couldn't make them stop, i wanted to search for answers that could hurt me but i made my body stop because i knew i cared too much, i knew i cared too much that if i did see what i was searching for, i would hurt myself because i couldn't seem to just let things go. all my life i just believed that time would help me let things go, but i still think about my mistakes everyday and who suffers from my mistakes, even if they don't think about it everyday, i do.

it's not so easy for me to not care. i envy those who do not care like i do, i am tired and my body keeps aching and giving up on itself and it's the last thing i want to do is watch others watch me fall apart

so i do not allow that, i say what i feel but i don't want to show, so my answers become short, my presence becomes fake but no matter what mask i am hiding, it does not hide the fact that you do not believe that i am happy, and i'm doing a bad job of convincing you.

I want to become a different person, but not because of them, i want to become someone who truly cares about herself because i know that if i cared for myself a little more then i would stop trying to make everyone happy

i feel miserable

i want to be better to myself so i can be better to everyone around me as well

i had been so engulfed in my tragic memories of people who left me behind, i had begun to leave myself behind as well.

i had forgotten about those who are waiting for me up ahead and forgot to cherish those who are still by my side, i wish to be a better person

i know i can't go back and make people listen to me when the idea of me in their head is settled, that i am a bad person, but i hope that one day, i can be free of that person i hate so much, that person being myself,

there is nothing wrong with trying to make others happy, there is something wrong with neglecting yourself so others can be happy, and neglecting those who only wish you to be happy

you can't go back

but look right in front of you, it is someone who loves you so much. why are you so afraid to understand that they love you? you don't need to fear that they hate you, they have been here for you from the start of the universe, just to be by your side.

[kkuljaemm]

to be loved by almost everyone is to be hated by almost everyone else