kitkadenya

[kitkadenya]

[kitkadenya]

[wip] want you down on all fours

[kitkadenya]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

[kitkadenya]

the thing about being a little kitty on the internet is that one meow is never enough to get the attention you want. i have a bomb and if u dont start petting me in the next 15 seconds it will explode. i have a magic barrier shield that protects me though.

[kitkadenya]

Breaking News:

Dumb puppygirl thing ripped out of soft cozy bed, forced to "work" instead of sucking dick and filling holes, absolutely heartbreaking.

[kitkadenya]

[kitkadenya]

V for Vendetta (2005) dir. James McTeigue

[kitkadenya]

5 years ago, I was in Rehab.

10 years ago, I was watching my Potential and Opportunities dissolve and evaporate in an ocean of cheap gin and expensive whiskey.

But 5 years ago, I was in Rehab.

One of the exercises they had us perform was to imagine ourselves happy, 5 years in the future.

Many of us in that room had forgotten how to imagine nice things happening to them. A few snorted (well, I snorted), finding the notion that we’d even still be around in 5 years grimly humorous.

For about half of us, it was the last stop on the way down.

But I indulged the therapist. I was there, after all, because I did not want to die. So, I imagined myself, 5 years hence.

Happy.

It came to me all at once; an artistic remix on Norman Rockwell’s Freedom From Want, reframed with myself placing food at the table.

Sunday Dinner At My Place, I answered, when it came my turn to share my fantasy. I was asked what food I imagined eating.

It’s not the meal itself, I said, it’s the implications framed around it. Sunday Dinner At My Place means that I have a Place. It means that I have Family that will actually speak to me and friends who actually want to see me. It means money enough not just to feed myself but others too. It means having the time to spare to take the time preparing the meal.

A lot of nodding heads all around me. A struck chord. Many people with no Place, in that place. Nowhere that would lament their leaving.

5 years hence, as I lay down to sleep in my Home, with my Wife and my Son, surrounded by my Art and my Flowers, I reflect.

It was a long road. It was hard. We lost people. So many people. There were long days and long nights and hospital stays. Angry arguments with ghosts. I changed, in ways I never hoped for, or expected. Good ways, finally, for once. Slowly, against the backdrop of a world in chaos, I found my mind.

Sometimes, My Wife wondered aloud, what she did to deserve me. After some stumbling with my feelings, I eventually settled on an answer.

I’m a Rescue.

She gave me a Home.

And, so, I gave her a Family.

It seemed fair

This Sunday, my folks, which whom I have not had a shouting match in years, will come over for dinner. We will cook and eat together. My Friend became My Wife, and she took a piece of me and with it she made Our Son. There will be many hugs, and no violence. Good Things Happened.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t know what the future holds.

don’t give up yet, ok?

It could get good, even.

[kitkadenya]

[kitkadenya]

That post about death note being "everyone's first anime" (untrue statement) made me curious and now I want to gather data for science

Can you reblog this and tell me where are you from and what was your starter anime?

[kitkadenya]

the most fun a girl can have is finding parallels, noticing patterns, making connections, contemplating

[kitkadenya]

FEAST, GLADLY / MOON STEALER / WARM BLOODED

i hold werewolves as both a symbol of transformation and of self-actualization; they are the other, and the beast, and they are us. this art was created for october’s print club; it was also created for me (and for you).

[kitkadenya]

next time a cishet man talks about how he feels oppressed or like ppl are saying he's evil, explain the trans-to-prison pipeline and v-coding to him.

[kitkadenya]

hey you reading this. listen to a new album today. check out that album your friend mentioned they were really into. branch out to another album by an artist you know you love but haven't heard everything from yet. go hunting for critically acclaimed albums and see what the big deal is. sit down for the forty minutes or whatever and take in this whole world the artist has crafted for you. listen to it on a bus ride, while doing work, on your way to bed. surround yourself with music that you love and make an effort to expand your reach even further. not everything will click but the reward of discovering something new to love is unlike no other. listen to a new album today

[kitkadenya]

[kitkadenya]

[kitkadenya]

*kisses you on the cheek* don't forget to only do bare minimum at your job today 🫂