kirstabulous

[kirstabulous]

Culture shock in America

Just less than 2 months ago I found myself overwhelmed and broke down in a gigantic mall in Seoul. It’d been over a year since I had arrived in Asia and the crowded of people, bright lights, and blaring pop music had worn me down. I couldn’t wait to be home feasting on holiday turkeys, drinking craft brews and seeing all the familiar faces of loved ones. Although I wished I was flying home to Oregon even a day sooner, I realized I only had myself to answer to the next few days. I could mope around or instead find something delicious to eat and go get some fresh air. Traveling solo forced me to make the best of things even when I felt lost or alone. I no longer had anyone else to rely upon for happiness, but myself. To my surprise I was completely capable of that.

When I boarded my first of 3 flights home spanning 24hrs. The flight attendants on my American Airlines aircraft had southern accents and smiled so much I felt immediately at home. After a year of navigating airports in foreign languages, there were video instructions in multiple languages for the customs in Dallas. I happily made small talk with other Americans, and a Canadian woman who had visited Taiwan. I was overjoyed when I arrived to see my parents at PDX. Finally, all my things and loved ones were all in one place (or at least the same country).

I took advantage of my free time and was able to overcome jet lag in about a week or so. My high school friends arranged a welcome dinner which was a blast. Thanksgiving was full of relatives and food that I had missed so dearly while in China.

Then it hit me. While I was happy to see everyone and everything looked the same, it was as if I had changed and nobody seemed to notice. Some people asked about China, but it was all I seemed to talk about (well I mean it was my life for a year).

It’s bittersweet because some friendships truly proved they can withstand being apart, but it was harder to find time to meet up. Everyone seemed to have formed their own life while I had been abroad. I didn’t know where I fit in and was so indecisive on where I was going.

I promised myself right before I left I would not let others opinions weigh on me so I could more easily find what was right for me. I had spent so much time previously battling others opinions of China in October of 2014 instead of accepting it was the right move.

Now I question myself as others see me as this fearless expat while inside I feel like a lost fish out of water.

I am proud of my experiences, but am finding it hard to keep positive looking forward. Things like finding a job, settling down, and normal grown-up duties seem so foreign and intimidating. This is coming from a girl who embarked on traveling to 5 countries solo over the last year.

I know eventually I will make steps forward, but I also need to be patient with myself. To anyone readjusting to their home country, you’re not the only one realizes reverse culture shock can be worse than the initial kind.

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Reverse culture shock is so much harder on me than regular culture shock ever was.

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It's a small world after all

Traveling is the best because you can run into someone halfway across the world and discuss cultural history and language over lunch but forget to ask their name before you both depart to the next country. And you wake up to a new unplanned day and likely new similar interactions all over again. It's a refreshing reminder that we are never quite alone and that you can connect with strangers if you allow yourself to open up and share your stories and listen to theirs. And it's the briefness that's the bliss of it, because likely we will only get on with so many people after knowing them well. But while traveling independently you get windows into many souls usually just enough to appreciate them, but also knowing you can retreat to yourself if you so desire it. That maybe we don't need a ton of close friends, just a few. And that you don't need to know someone for years to feel like you are part of something, that you are connected to something, to get that extra reminder that society has good deep roots if you allow yourself to dig them up every once in a while.

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So she started chewing off foreign nations because there was something quite rewarding about choosing to be lost and alone. Especially since her body shook and hesitated every time it stepped too far back into her comfort zone. And when she met others with this kind of wayward soul, her eyes lit up with fascination and validation. They would feed off each other's souls because they knew how contradicting it was to have cast pieces of their heart in many places, yet never feel at home in any one. And to let yourself take more pride than misery in doing it alone. It's a long road. But it's a beautiful ride, I'm told.... Photo taken over Chinese New Years in Hong Kong

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There it was, the lone survivor, a red bracelet I had accidentally bought on a bus heading to the airport in Wuhan because I thought I was paying for a ticket. I didn't realize this bracelet would mean anything until literally every other bracelet I'd been given seemed to fall off in a matter of days (or hours). Anyways, red is a lucky color for Chinese people and my first solo trip Hong Kong was a roaring success despite being nervous. Now I feel like it is more of a reminder of independence. This year has definitely included some of the loneliest times of my life, but also more that make me proud. I've had the luxury of breaking down, and understanding myself better than I could have ever expected in the last 9 months. I've learned what makes me happy and that 99% of the time a positive attitude can get me through a difficult situation. Many people my age have so much pressure to find a stable career, significant other, etc... before they even have a real clue who they are. While it's scary to feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing post college most of the time, at least I have an idea of who I am, my strengths, my needs and morals. As I build confidence in myself the rest will fall into place.

[kirstabulous]

Living abroad has never made me feel more alone, Yet I’ve felt closer to people I’ve met in a few months than some I’ve known my whole life , I’ve never been more scared and lost, But I’ve never experienced such great moments of clarity and accomplishment, Every day things here require problem solving, even ordering lunch, But stumbling over the language barrier always leads to new stories, I’ve never broken the barrier of my comfort zone so many times in 8 months (maybe even my life..) Only to realize how much more I am capable of, I’ve never felt farther from home, Yet I feel even closer to some that are still there.

[kirstabulous]

Top 4 Chinese traditions (best and worst)

Living amongst a foreign culture not only introduces new frustrating traditions but also breaks down the logic behind many of your own.

With that being said here are the top 4 most awkward traditions I have seen in China.

1. Babies with split pants so they can do their business in public.

2. Spitting by both men and women on the sidewalk. Granted the pollution does make for awful sinuses, but why not grab a tissue or at least aim for a trash can?

3. The nonexistence of lines in the metro, at the cash register, in the bathroom, ANYWHERE. Especially, since in the west queues have been engrained in us since preschool.

4. Cars have the right-away and they aren’t afraid to repeatedly honk at you as a reminder. I’ve actually been nudged by one while walking right in front of it. (Also the polar opposite of Portland drivers).

Now for a few traditions I could get down with back in the U.S.:

1. Family values: Most Grandparents live with the family and watch after their grandkids. Sure I’ve met plenty of spoiled only children, but it’s pretty cool that their parents can both work while they’re being watched by family. In fact Chinese people have a great sense of family and are very supportive of their child’s success.

2. Big shared meals: I’ve had some of the best food in China and dining in big groups means more variety. There’s less rush to finish your plate and usually a big bowl of rice in case anyone is still hungry at the end (which I usually never have room for).

3. Eastern medicine: While I rely on stuff like aspirin from home, Chinese medicine is a lot more natural. It does take longer to work, but there aren’t any whacky side effects. Also, most of the creams I’ve used for mosquito bites, etc…have worked great even on sensitive skin.

4. Shopping: You can find just about anything online here and for cheap! There’s virtually no copyright laws here so you can get cheap versions easily. Most things on TaoBao are not the best quality, but still a good deal for what you pay. Also, things arrive within 3-4 days.> Even on days when I'm really uncomfortable, I'm glad I've gotten to see how people live halfway across the world.

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Bone Fide Stoner at the Hankou railway

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The Wudangshan clan, 5 dragons waterfall

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That awkward moment when you find Nicki Minaj's wardrobe in a cheap store in Changsha.

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#happycalories, true love

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Selfies with Gabi. She's 4 years old and had cake for dinner.

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I would have never guessed that at 23 years old I would be  teaching these clever little 5 year olds English in Wuhan, China 6 months ago. You see, I graduated with a degree in Business from the University of Oregon and even had a management job in the works. However, once I walked across the stage in my cap and gown and left my fond college memories back in Eugene, I felt anxious. While some of my friends settled in back in Portland (or it's ugly cousin Gresham), I didn't feel at home anymore. So I started sending emails, calling, and grabbing coffee with people whom seemed to have their lives more together than I did in hopes I too, would figure my shit out.

After some awesome advice and parents (and grandparents) who were extremely understanding of their daughter wanted to jet off into Asia, I committed to teaching for English First in Wuhan, China. And sure being in China has made me question some basic questions about life, but I also have a real newfound respect for teachers. Along with believing everyone ought to experience working in customer service, I think everyone should take a stab at playing a teaching or mentoring role. No matter how prepared you are walking into class, the students can be unpredictable. The only constant in my "good" teaching days (which are luckily becoming more frequent) is my attitude. This theory was tested fully when I had to teach 11 year old low level English boys who rarely spoke unless it included the word W.C. or "Game Over". While my confidence is not quite bullet proof yet, I've come far enough to get them to quit speaking Chinese and actually participate in class without pulling teeth.

Anyways, my point is that even though teaching kids 4-14 years old English is not where I want to end up, it's taught me something valuable regardless of where I go next.I still want to pursue a career in business and I know I will. However, now I'm taking advantage of an opportunity to push myself outside my comfort zone and it's exactly where I needed to be.

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Running is the only algorithm that can successfully untangle my emotions. I’m sweating out any mental stress by turning it into physical. It’s like binging on a drug except I’m only reliant on myself and I can wake up feeling like I actually released a demon instead of chasing it with another one. Because my whole life I’ve been running around. And my whole life I won’t stop. But by connecting my mind to my legs I find some sort of reasoning. I feel as if I have some sort of control on whatever seems to be weighing me down. Everything else can come crashing down and all I would need is a pair of running shoes and a playlist to shed the fear. I’m allowed to unplug from extroversion, take a break from my goals, I can stop time. Then I cool down into reality on my own time. When I run I’m selfish, confident, alone, and free. I am strong when I run because nobody can touch me. It’s my religion, my drug, my best friend. And when the life seems to leave me feeling hollow and I lose all sense of direction, running never fails to make me feel alive again. It’s taught me faith and perseverance even thousands of miles away from home.

Picture is from Eugene, OR on the path to Autzen Stadium, one of my favorite places to run.

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She got drunk in the stars one night and it was just the drop of the freedom she had quenched all these years.

The years past where they tell you not to desire anything and wear your passion down to one narrow career path.

As if we were meant to follow straight lines. No wonder she questioned how people go on living all the time.

Life felt still in some of those moments, she was actually able to savor drowning in someone else’s world, eyes

How we take for granted these types of portals into the human mind But Darling Nevermind You’re the one chasing the high this time.

[kirstabulous]

Lightheaded

Delays for days

A world of a city frosted with haze

Souls connecting, curiosity ablaze

Feeding off each others’ words to navigate this maze

Finding yourself in unexpected ways

A lifestyle dressed up as a craze

Each time you get lost, you complete a new phase

Confidence builds like bricks she lay

Until she can stand back at it all, amazed.

We can glow red with rage

Because the world is not our stage

And we don’t always get the audience’s praise

But in the end, even if we bleed

We come out the other end in one piece

Maybe not the same, maybe more at peace

But we never tend to catch our breath

As we brush it off and take for granted our health

If only we counted our non-financial fortunes like wealth