kingsleyjordy

[kingsleyjordy]

6.16.19 (9:29p) (Day #1)

I miss you. I wish I could text you right now Jos. Sometimes I think about how easy it is just say something to you in a text but it also feels very hard at the same time. I want to respect the fact that you want to be alone. I want to fight for you and tell you how much i miss you too. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes it feels like this is the end, like you and I are never going to get back together. I feel like I messed up to the point of no return. I feel like I ruined things to the point that I can never fix them again. I want to think thats not true. I want to think you and are going to get back together. My eyes just got watery. I don’t want to cry. I cried at work recently and i have never done that before. I finally got to see just a window view of what you go through when you are sad at work. I am sorry I ever made you cry at work. I think it is probably good I don’t text you because I dont want to make you cry at work. I dont know why i am doing this. I dont want to think this will help me feel better. I hope this isnt pointless. I feel so fucking sad. I really do, I miss you. so much. I want to be with you. I want to feel your love again. I dont feel anything right now. YOu tell me you need to be happy and you need to do more for yourself and I cant be a part of that and it break my heart. I really fucked everything up. I didn’t mean to. I think about showing up to the apartment. I think about waiting outside until you come out so i can say im sorry amd beg you back. You told me action speak louder then words and i didnt know what i could do to make things better, you told me nothing. I wanted to get a tattoo of you and adelina, like something that represents you two. I thought of buying a ring and i thought about just showing up somewhere that you are but all those things seemed selfish of me. I thought the tattoo wouldnt mean anything to you. I thought it was pointless of getting a ring because you dont want to marry me. I thought showing up to you without an invitation would be insane. I thought about the time you showed up to my house that one time. it did end up fixing things. but then it didnt fix anything. i dont know. Its fathers day, i want to text you right now. its 9:49p now and i want to text you happy fathers day. Today so many people at work kept telling me happy fathers day and it hurt becuse i feel like a fruad and an asshole. I dont deserve that. i would just shake it off and say thank you and move on. I dont want to think about that today. I feel like telling you that today would be selfish. you need to hear it though. I think i will send it right now.