khatan

[khatan]

I’m just going to put it here since no one prob reads this anyway but I want a record of my experience out in the universe that isn’t just thoughts in my head or me talking to myself or my pets. and maybe if I’m lucky I’ll check back here in the future and someone will have responded.

I suddenly remembered waking up during brain surgery and the sound of the bone saw and the feel of my body strapped to the tilted table. The colors of light through my eyes taped shut. Its haunting me

I don’t have a therapist, my insurance won’t let me see someone qualified for this kind of trauma, I’ve tried, and I don’t want EMDR. I want support groups and art therapy and genuine trauma counseling to deal with this. Recalling this happened very suddenly, extreme and intense, in the shower. 4 years after the first surgery. I know it’s real. I’ve never imagined something like this or had an intrusive thought that had memory of sound, sensation of touch, and color. I’ve had sudden recollections of other traumas in my life that are 100% real so I know how it feels.

My occipital neuralgia and flashbacks when I detangle my curls or scratch or rub that spot just a little too hard are nothing compared to recalling that moment. Because those times, I remember the after. Waking up in the hospital, recovery, complications and more recovery. Normal, typical CPTSD. Never once did I remember the moment of surgery until this happened months ago. Never once did I imagine it like this, only in passing thoughts and it was never as detailed, it was an assumption of what the operating room was like and I would always force it away from my mind as I could not deal with those imaginings or intrusive thoughts.

On the chance it’s not real, and my brain created this story as a result of unusual and slightly painful stimuli, I still need therapy. But I can’t find it. I need help, but I reach out and nothing happens. I’m putting off seeking a consult with a neurosurgeon at a better hospital because I’m afraid I’ll need another surgery or more invasive procedures. I don’t want another lumbar puncture. I’m suffering either way, though. Making art and writing about my experiences sends me into flashbacks. Any pain I feel at my craniotomy sites, and I feel a lot because chronic post op pain, can trigger flashbacks and affect my day. I’ve coped with trauma my whole life but this kind of medical trauma is entirely different and idk how to cope healthily.

If anyone can relate... Please tell me. Thanks for reading.

[khatan]

slaughterhouse-five, kurt vonnegut

[khatan]

“So this is the valley carved by words that drowned trying to reach you,”

— Richard Jackson, from “The Valley,” Half Lives: Petrarchan Poems (Autumn House Press, 2004)

[khatan]

[khatan]

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

[khatan]

“Sometimes writing a single line is enough to save your own heart.”

— Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

[khatan]

[khatan]

𝔟𝔢𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔞𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔢 𝔠𝔞𝔫 ��𝔢 𝔭𝔢𝔞𝔠𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩, 𝔱𝔬𝔬.

[khatan]

[khatan]

[khatan]

[khatan]

when it’s really bad again and it’s still way better than it used to be but it’s still really bad. and you do all the right stuff and you try and try and it still really hurts but it’s working but it still hurts and you go see the beautiful majesty of nature and your soul is so close to being at peace but your mind is still in pain. and it’s better but it’s still bad. and the sun is setting.

[khatan]

[khatan]

bone apple tea 🍽️

[khatan]

I know it’s not The Best looking tank but it’s my pride and joy 🥲

[khatan]

Getting desperate

8/12/2024 - I hate to bother people and I hate to beg, but I am down to $300 to get me through until September 30. Which isn’t even close to enough for rent, phone bill, utilities, etc. Please, if you can spare anything:

Venmo @Mary_Brack

PayPal @MaryVBrack

It’s frustrating because once I get paid again, over a few months I easily would be able to pay back a loan. I am about at my wit’s end, and so embarrassed and humiliated.

Thank you all so much! ❤️💐⭐️☮️

[khatan]

Encounter with a strange hobbit