khanjgi

[khanjgi]

When the hurt of it all is just... too much, what do you do? I want to desperately to just... put a fucking bullet in my brain and close all of this out once and for all. But I can’t and wont. I’d like to say because I have valor and strength but really... it is because I know that would just add one more nail in her coffin which she is working pretty hard to crawl into already as it is. And... my kids... my kids still like me to some degree. I can’t leave them with the stigma of a suicidal Mom.  I have fucked up in so many ways, I don’t even know how to begin to get out of the mess I call my life. I married the dude who DATED me for 14 years and ONLY married me because I had his kid and I was getting fired and losing my benefits. I was in some sort of a fucked up emotional mess with his FEMALE cousin for the last 20 years only to discover that he was fucking her years ago when we had been dating for just a few years, and that- the emotion and desire for one another never REALLY went away. Now I have two kids, a husband who are all diagnosed with a degenerative disease. An ex girl friend of sorts who is still related so, I will never really be rid of her. A friend who I started fucking out of what bad senses on my part I don’t know... who I have fallen in love with but who still very much loves her abusive as fuck drug addicted, alcoholic girl friend. What fucking messes I have made... and I have no idea how to get out of any of them.  It has been well over three years now, since I have had someone actually touch me out of sentiment and affection. Three years since someone held me while we watched TV, I fell asleep, rubbed my shoulders, put lotion on my back even. I don’t even know how long since I was with someone who held my hand in public without shame.  I think... I am just too fucked up for anyone to care about. Fuckable... okay. But... trust me, that is not saying much- for me or them. What have I done? What have I become? I am so... ridiculously fucked... I have no friends, not really. I have associates, yes. But anybody I can really.. call a best friend, someone I can call on for anything, I... I have nothing.  I need to be smarter, less desperate. I need to put up the boundaries and hold them up. Look at my desperate choices in these recent years. Why? Because I am fucking lonly- that is why. There is a reason I am alone, clearly. I am less than desireable and fucking incourageable it would seem. There is nothing remarkable about me, there is nothing here worth knowing or wanting or understanding. When the fuck will I clue into this and just accept once and for all????!!!!  Raise my children and then hope to god my time on earth is complete and I get wiped off the planet once and for all. Suck this shit up and finish all the fucking shit I have started.

[khanjgi]

I Remember You...

This day 19 years ago, I was driving a 1982 Dodge Aries to work as the receptionist at Youth & Family Services in Rapid City, SD. I was living in a cracker box trailer house and didn’t have a goal, care or thought in the world. I was 23 and frivolous.

 I heard on the radio in my beat up ole Dodge, that the United States was under attack. I laughed and thought that this was a terrible radio joke. But as the Deejay pressed on, the tone in her voice was less than humorous. At one point their was even a crack in it, giving me reason to think she may have been crying.

 I got to work, confused and dismayed- “Who would attack the U.S.?!” is all I could think as I walked into my office with the indignant sense of freedom that often only foolish Americans have. The building was quiet- which was odd for a place that hosted children daily. But there wasn’t even so much as a cricket chirping or a squeak of a tiny sneaker against the laminate floor. Absolute echoing, silence.

 I migrated back to a breakroom where all the other employees were huddled around a tiny 12” fishbowl monitor television. And there it was- on the screen ahead and on live TV at 8:20 am on September 11, 2001… a pair of shimmering silver towers stood as this tiny, dart like plane drove straight into one of the twins. It was surreal. It was watching horror in slow motion. The plane glided like they often do- so slow, straight as an arrow into the structure. It was clear to see that the plane was too low, it was dead on- you could hear everyone in the room screaming it inside themselves- “PULL UP!” as we all watched on in silence and disbelief- helpless and paralyzed all at once as the giant metal structure absorbed the dart like a stick of butter absorbs a warm knife. And just like that- on live TV- the plane dissolved. And there was a moment of pause… stillness… and then came the poof and the pow. The explosion of two entities’ as the windows on the floors blew out and the metal beams flew away with far less grace than the plane inside. The needle from the crown sank within and the sky… went from blue… to shades of gray.

 The stillness in the room was broken with a roar of gasps. I felt my mouth and heart hit the ground in unison as my eyes immediately spilled with tears. “What is happening?!” Is what I thought first, “All of those people!” Was what I thought second as images of fathers, mothers, children, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, grammas, grampas, husbands, wives… friends, neighbors and folks who just never really thought they were much of anybody- all who boarded a plane that morning never knowing… it was their last. I thought of all the people inside the towers who walked in that morning with their luk warm coffee and bills on their mind or images of their kids in front of them or stacks of paperwork as far as the eye could see or on their cell phone wishing their loved ones a good day… who never saw it coming. And even more tragic… the people having water cooler conversation next to the windows… who did see, and just didn’t have time to do a single damn thing about it.

 In the hours that followed… the nation this side of the country stood still and watched with heartbreak as the city that never sleeps… continued to crumble at the hands of an enemy unknown. That was when we saw the heroism of humanity at its best. Paramedics, firemen, police all racing in and sacrificing themselves as we all anticipate they will but, on this day, - they did it with more valor than any day before. And you saw people scurrying in the streets with bloody ties and what were once white button-down shirts and dark black suite jackets all adorned the same tones of ash as the skies and towers over head. You saw people helping people, carrying one another, those who could see were leading the blind. Those who with broken limbs were being carried by women in dress skirts and broken heels. For those hours in that day- the only way any of them knew what color of body they were helping… was if they had time to investigate the tear streaked trenches down their faces beneath the ash on their flesh. And frankly… nobody had time or interest to do that… on that day.

 19 years ago, today… our nation came together as one. And that, I thought- was the worst thing I would ever see our nation go through. I was proud and took solace if nothing else- that we were going through it together. The American flag was everywhere again. People were kind and empathetic to one another from state to state. Nobody knew how anyone knew anybody in the planes or towers, but we all knew… up until that day- we thought we were invisible and untouchable as a nation. On that day… we ALL felt vulnerable. And hurt, and heartbroken and, angry.

 I had no idea 19 years ago, that as horrific as that day was… that we could ever trump the trauma of 9/11. And I had no way of knowing… that I would go from working for a Non-Profit agency that helped children and families, to working for the Police direct in my on hometown. I had no idea… that our nation would go from a state of union to where we are today. Broken, divided and simply… ugly.

 Today, 19 years later, my children will come home, to their stick-built home in a sweet neighborhood with the family SUV out front (a far cry from what and where I was 19 years ago). They will come home from school in the most iconic time of their young lives and tell me the stories they had been told in school about how- once upon a time there were two towers in New York City and some bad men flew planes into them. That today is the day they should honor the people and first responders of that event that is come to be called 9-11. My children will speak of it like I spoke to my parents of Vietnam and that my grandchildren will one day speak of the COVID pandemic to them.

 Every year, we say we will never forget. Every single year… we say that.

 But we have, haven’t we?

 We have forgotten how for that day and for quite sometime after, we as a nation came together and loved one another. We hung our nations flag with honor. We RESPECTED and APPLAUDED our first responders. We have taken from having anger and disdain against the terror beyond and directed against one another. We have forgotten. And I pray that our children will never know the horror of that day but alas… the horror we are exposing them to of this day is perhaps no better. Just… less impactful all at one time I suppose. A little at a time every day… we are crashing planes into the hearts of one another with every senseless riot. With every life lost for a reason beyond natural causes. With every child that is peddled on the street like candy or newspapers. With every animal that is beaten, starved or used as a method of income. With every single act of absolute inhumanity… we forget… the sacrifices that were made… in 9/11. American blood stains the streets of our nation every single day and we forget… how once upon a time… 19 years ago today… we bled together, we wept together, we screamed together, we simply… came together. And we have forgotten, how to be that nation.

 To all those who were lost- to all those who have lost- to those who stood and watched from afar… I remember you. God bless.