keykuma

[keykuma]

With the lifted regional #COVID19 stay-at-home orders in California, I am in fear of another surge in COVID-19 cases. As a frontline healthcare worker, the past few weeks with the surge in COVID-19 cases has put hospital staff over our limits and capabilities to provide quality care for every patient. On the medical-surgical unit I work at, a licensed nurse can take up to 7 patients instead of 5. The shifts I worked were almost all short staffed and there were times when I had to be a charge nurse who takes care of patients and supervise the unit all at once. I do admit hitting my breaking point to tears and felt burnt out from this surge. What frustrates me the most is that we care for everyone, even to those who decided to go to social gatherings, not practice social distancing, not wear face masks appropriately, and/or not practice good hand hygiene. It’s also unfortunate to know how many of those who don’t take this pandemic seriously. In the end, we will care for someone’s careless acts in not helping fight the pandemic and reduce the spread. With the COVID-19 vaccines rolling out, I want to say that getting the vaccine does not mean you will not get COVID-19. And with the lifted orders, this does not give everyone the okay to physically see all their loved ones, go out for nonessential matters, and think they will not get COVID-19. The vaccine gives you added protection but the possibility of getting it is still there. I do promote and highly recommend getting the vaccine but I challenge everyone to still do your part in fighting this pandemic. Your actions do make a difference and a careless act may cost a life. Please don’t wait until someone you love and care about gets COVID-19 or dies from it. Please rethink your choices and do your part in reducing the spread. Please stay home unless it’s essential. Always mask up. Wash your hands thoroughly. Strictly enforce social distancing of at least 6 feet. YOU can truly make a difference. THANK YOU! https://www.instagram.com/p/CKt0RT-rrI8/?igshid=ix7v00fodi8f

[keykuma]

After 4 years and 10 months, I am finally playing this game again and hoping to finish it this time L M A OOOOOO

Currently playing: The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ 

This is my first game playing from this franchise and to my surprise, I’m enjoying myself. It’s been far too long since I’ve played a JRPG but it’s definitely a refresher (ؔᶿ̷⌔ؔᶿ̷)

[keykuma]

P.S. I also have been posting monthly vlogs and am added an extra travel vlog video :D ! Catch me on youtubeeeee

[keykuma]

2020 年 11 月 09 日

Hewo ! 

I thought I come here to give updates on what’s been happening with my life. I have said this over and over again but I do really miss blogging here. I realize this is a journal that I am not afraid of sharing my thoughts to everyone and blogging has helped me be as resilient as I am today. Anyways, in the past few months...

(ﾉ´ з `)ノ I recovered from my muscle strain and am still recovering from Post-Covid Syndrome. It was definitely stressful to deal my health issues because it led me to go through a job transition. I quit working at a workplace that failed to support their staff to a workplace that actual cares everyone’s well-being and safety. It was nerve wracking to take a leap of faith that my decision of quitting my job after working 6 years for them was going to be worth it. In the end, I can honestly say it was worth it. I am fortunate to have a job and a workplace that supported me from my lowest until now. I am still growing as a nurse leader and now a MSN prepared nurse in nursing education. I am hoping to get adjusted to my workplace and soon be a working nurse educator who can guide nursing students and new graduate nurses to be competent registered nurses. 

(」°ロ°)」I noticed my mental health has not been in the best state. I notice I have this constant fear of people distancing themselves from me because I got covid. I commonly see my fear manifesting into a wide range of dark emotions when I see loved ones invite others to outtings that I was initially supposed to be involved in. I tend to just let it go, but I noticed I have been more upfront with letting people know what I feel. I realized how tired I am of being someone who just suppresses these thoughts and feelings and let it internally damage myself. In addition, this pandemic makes me feel shameful of going out as well. I also get frustrated at those who don’t do their part in helping defeat this pandemic. How hard is it to practice 6 feet distancing from others , perform good hand hygiene/ not touching your face, and wear a mask that covers both the nose and mouth?! Regardless of the shame and frustration I feel when I do go out, there’s that part of me that tells me to go live my life. I went through hell this year where I really thought I wasn’t going to survive and live another day. I am fully aware that if I get covid again, I may not survive. That’s why I strive to live my life to the fullest even it requires me to go out. I do my best to protect my loved ones. This is honestly a risk I am willing to take because I want to feel like I lived a fulfilling life without any regrets. I know my health is not in the best condition and the choices I’ve made are questionable, but I am going to continue to fight on and live the life I want.

On top of everything, I have also felt the weight of my shoulders with what has happened to my family and friends. I’ve tried to help heal the hurt from everyone close to me and realized there is so much I could help with. I also had to redirect my priorities and realize the future is scary for me and the responsibilities I will take on for my family. I have dedicated my time and effort for them that I cannot find the time to be with my significant other.  I haven’t seen him since the beginning of this year. While our relationship is always a work in progress for the better, my other half and I are in good terms with understanding my circumstances and that it is okay for us to live our lives without needing to see or talk to each other 24/7. We did hit 6 years of being together in August! I can’t believe it. Directing my priorities to the present, I can only hope I can afford to carry my siblings to achieving their academic success and financially support the whole family when my dad is not able to. 

＠´ー`)ﾉﾞ I realize that amongst all these events I have went through in 2020, resiliency and positivity are really what gets me through it all. To gain my sanity back, I have started doing many activities that sparked joy in my life. I got back into arts and crafts. I started playing video games again. I watched k-dramas, anime, and lived my kpop fangirl life. I’ve read a self-help book. I went to a pumpkin patch and did my first pumpkin carving. I spent more time with my loved ones. I celebrated my birthday all month long. I completed many jigsaw puzzles with my family and friends. I made sea salt ice cream. I tried out new food places. I ventured out to a city I wasn’t familiar with. I played jackbox and online escape room games with my siblings and friends. I’ve cried and vented out and did my best to support those in need. Lastly, I’ve gotten the courage to blog my thoughts out here. 

With that being said. I learned that no matter how shitty 2020 has been to me, there is always something to be grateful about. I still have a job and am able to financially support myself and my family. I have loved ones who truly care for me. I am still living and surviving. What I am grateful for can go on and on. 

I am also grateful for you taking the time to read this and can only pray you and your loved ones stay safe and well. 

Until next time, World!

[keykuma]

If you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have to do things you’ve never done

Jen Sincero 

[keykuma]

D A R K N E S S

Hello! I always find myself gravitating here. I feel like my blog posts has been nothing but negativity over the past couple of years. 2020 has not been a good year for me. I sustained a bad muscle strain earlier this year and finally recovered last month. Now I gotten sick to the point of quarantine for almost two weeks. There really was a moment where I truly felt I was at the end of my life. I end up falling asleep and woke up feeling revived. Luckily I have gotten better since and am grateful for the support my loved ones have done for me. I have learned how I really need to focus on myself at this time. I have worked so hard to reach my career goal this past decade and I have realized how much it has taken a toll on my mentality and health. My thoughts have been negative and I realize I need to take a step back and look at my current accomplishments.

I managed to get a Nursing Education Scholarship and received recognition for it on social media. It was shocking but it give me some sort of direction on what I want to do after I graduate this year.

I picked up a second job to expand my nursing experience and help in this time of crisis.

I’ll have MSN to my name in August 2020. I am entering my final semester this week. It is mind boggling on how time flew by so fast. My professors have encouraged me to pursue my doctorate but I think I need a break from school.

In November 2020, I will have fully paid for my car.

There are things to look forward to 2020 at least. I hope it gets better from here T_____T

I hope everyone has been well and thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[keykuma]

I think it’s not the physical injury that is affecting my life right now. It’s my mentality of feeling defeated that is. Have you ever felt always guilty no matter what you did? It’s a feeling I’m struggling in dealing with.

[keykuma]

January 2020

It is difficult to process and convey my thoughts to be understood about what is going on with my life right now. I feel physically, emotionally and mentally defeated these past couple weeks. 2020, you have presented me with a roadblock that I am currently having a hard time overcoming. It is hard to express these emotions and thoughts to others when they also have their own lives to manage as well. After reflecting on my diary planner, I do want to say that what you say and how you say it does affect a person. Words or even a person’s tone may not offend you. but may offend another person. Even I too need to practice mindfulness. That is what makes life difficult for me. It gets arduous to express myself to others without feeling this inner guilt. I know I have support from loved ones available to me in times of need, but I personally feel like no one understands that I acknowledge that. It is just that I choose not to resort to others to help me because of my inner battle and life struggles. Anxiety and sadness always creep back into my life. I constantly do not practice what I preach. It is a battle that I need to overcome by myself because even if you resort to loved ones, they can be the reason why you are hurting. I will be spending my time to focus on my spiritual and personal wellness. I feel like the expectations of my role in life has led me to burn out and I want to reconnect myself with identifying my life purpose and goals. In the end, it all comes down to how I want to live my life and aspire to be the best version of myself that I will be proud of being in the future.

[keykuma]

2020

Hello again! After reflecting upon about what happened in 2019, I can wholeheartedly say it was one of the worst years I had to get through. The end of 2018 has lead to me to deal with a chain of unfortunate events. 

1. Family: My dad did something terrible that really broke my family apart at the end of 2018.  It has lead me to be in a position where I cannot live life how I please to live because I have my mom and siblings to support. I do not just play my role as a daughter, but I fill in the role as a parent and provider. I did not mind being one of the primary supporters for them, but as time went by, it has affected me. I ended up having endless of arguments with my mom who has went through hell as a result of my dad; however, she also constantly have associated my siblings and I with the bad people instead of the good and has proceeded to do things that hurt my siblings and I without taking consideration on what we feel or think about the situation. My dad has lead me to pay more and more of his bills that he should be responsible in paying. Even though I am a registered nurse, I am living paycheck to paycheck with no room to save money for my future. While I am still in my graduate school, I have been paying out of my pocket and it has been a struggle to live day-by-day. 

2. Work: I got promoted to a more leadership position at my work a year ago and a lot of bad has happened to the organization I work for. The bad has gotten to me so much that instead of me seeing myself work at the same place for a long time, I see myself moving on to a place that deserves better. I learned that no matter how loyal you are to an organization, they can do you wrong. I felt the word “recognition” matters a lot and is a word I did not felt after all the work and effort my coworkers and I put in. I am also the chairperson for a council that is suppose to help our unit better for everyone. We accomplished a huge project and in the end, we did not get the praise or recognition we deserve. As a result of this and a few more disappointing events, the stress of being in two high positions has gotten to me. I did not think compassion fatigue existed until I dealt with this. I am currently finding some positive points in the situation I am in but I am left to just be sad and fearful for what is yet to come.

3. Relationships: I felt like I have failed as a person in maintaining relationships. With everything I am dealing with, I find it hard to keep all my relationships with those who matter to me. I am grateful for those who have dealt with me and have kept in touch with me despite my mental, emotional, and physical state. 

I told myself last year that I believe this was a building block to an even better year. In 2019, I have ignored my health and am saw my body deteriorating as the days go by. I have constantly kept saying everything is okay and do not practice what I preach. I kept dreaming but not live it out. I believe 2020 will be the year of the results of my upbringings and focusing on my own being. 

Goodbye 2019. I am ready for 2020. 

[keykuma]

No matter what I do, have achieved, or will accomplish, I will never be good enough.

[keykuma]

Let me face my fears so I don’t have to think twice.

[keykuma]

2019

2018 was an interesting year. It was a year with ups and downs but the end of 2018 killed me and made me forget the good memories I had. I want 2019 to be a building block to an even better year. I think 2020 will be my year. Even though I do not post here often, I always gravitate myself back here. I should try to post more! I do miss daily posting. Whoever is still here, I wish you a happy new year!

[keykuma]

KINGDOM HEARTS III OPENING SONG!

[keykuma]

Jungkook was just on vlive and I just want to give a friendly reminder that y’all are loved 💜

[keykuma]

#nowplaying 아이유 - 삐삐

* IU - BBIBBI

[keykuma]

Been feeling mentally and emotionally defeated lately. My spirits has been down with lots of negative in me. It’s so hard to push through my MSN program with what I’m dealing with. I find it harder to be content with my life at the moment. Good vibes, come through.