kevinsdead

[kevinsdead]

Bad Influences

They say you have to watch who you let influence your kids. I'm going to take a look into a couple of the people who turned me into the person I am. My parents have always been deeply troubled people and very self centered. They were horrible influences on me. My sister who is 10 years older than me did all of the cleaning and chores until she moved out around the time she was 18. She is the person who instilled some morals in me. When she moved out, our entire house went to shit. As a kid I never wanted to clean up after grown ass adults, and my parents didn't feel like cleaning up after their kids. Neither of my parents ever cared about living in a shit hole. My older brother, who in his younger years described himself as a cancer, was just that. A cancer. He made everything in our lives a little shittier, sometimes alot shittier. He was a horrible influence, who was nothing but a trouble maker. He was my half brother, so I'm not sure if it was that my father could't discipline him, or he was just too lazy to(the most likely cause). Either way, there was no discipline at my household. I was raised to be a fiend.

My father is an alcoholic and has so many addiction problems. He spent/spends all his money on the bar, on drugs (and I'm not just talking weed, he's into coke, pills and anything besides herion I think). My mom just smokes weed but she acts like a fiend to a t. She just wanted my father to love her, but he doesn't know what love is. He does not show love right, so she would act like Lois from Malcolm in the Middle all the time. She was too big of a coward to be mean to him so she took it out on his kids. My brother was a glutton and a thief from a young age. My parents would hoard snacks in their room. My brother taught us to sneak in and steal them. My parents had cameras set up in their room and new we were stealing. They were ok with it. They basically trained us to be theifs. My older brother was such a bad influence, but my parents were no better

[kevinsdead]

Me vs Me vs BPD

I'm starting this blog to explain why I am the person I've been. I've dealt with mental health struggles my entire life. I've never gotten diagnosed with any mental conditions, but I am good at pretending like everything is normal and fine. I believe that my entire family suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I actually think BPD is a spectrum like autism (which I don't really want to get tested for it, but pretty sure I'm in the aspergers side of things). They say in this world we have 3 faces: the one we show the public; the one we show the private, like our close friends and family; and the one we only show ourselves. The thing is that third face shows sometimes. I let mine show on purpose sometimes. I'm trying to work on getting my mental filter back in public, but the people I'm with in private I hope love me for who I am. It sucks when sometimes you get a glimpse of someones true self and see how little they think of you. I don't know I'm just ranting at this point. I'd like to say I am not a crazy person, but I have been institutionalized 3 times in my life. I will explain those stories, because man there really is a lot to unwrap there. Before I go in detail with those stories (and other stories that would really fuck a guy up emotionally) I'm going to just explain some of the people that shaped who I am. They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my house my parents expected the children to raise the village. Haha, but like f'real tho, they did. Also I wouldn't have survived this long if it wasn't for the villagers. The few friends I had, and their parents are the only reason I made it. Well this is long enough of an intro. Let's be real who really wants to read the rants of a mad extremely disappointed man.