keithsbasementprintingpress

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖓𝖊𝖜𝖘!

EDDIE MUNSON ACQUITTED; BILLY HARGROVE ARRESTED.

After a rather DISRUPTIVE trial, the jury ruled that Eddie Munson is innocent on all counts of manslaughter. Further, the jury found that Billy Hargrove is guilty on all counts, including arson in the case of the 1985 fire at Starcourt Mall. Mr. Hargrove is sentenced to serve a life sentence at Roan County Detention Center. 

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

𝖏𝖚𝖑𝖞 19, 1988

A Letter from the Editor:

As I have already expressed publicly, I am deeply sorry for my absence. It has been a trying time for all of us, and no one knoWs better than me tHat communities neEd true journalism at the darkEst hour. I, however, have been sick with worry at the hospitaL for those victims of the carnival explosions. My daily chEck-ins with an individual very close to me have taken priority over production of KBPP. But rest assured, I have been collecting infoRmation. A sincere thank-you to all who have contributed tips. Journalism is borne on the back of nosy neighbors!

– Keith Johnson, Editor in Chief

FOURTH OF JULY DISASTER

The annual Hawkins Fourth of July Carnival is supposed to be a time of food, festivities, and fun to bring the town together and celebrate our nation! This year, it ended in disaster. Our community is grieving and desperately looking for answers. From where I’m standing, the answers couldn’t be clearer. KNOWN CRIMINALS Eddie Munson and Billy Hargrove were arrested for causing the explosion that stole five of Hawkins’ finest. Sources say that several people were hallucinating, and gem caused Barb Holland, Jack Foreman, Adam Richards, Melissa Armstrong, Heather Holloway, and Billy Hargrove to vomit a black, acidic gooey substance. As if you needed another reason to stay far away, folks!!! 

Reports of a bomb at the carnival have been confirmed by local authorities. Thankfully, it was a FAKE. If you ask me… it seems pretty convenient that everyone was distracted by the bomb while Eddie and Billy ran amuck with their murderous matches. And the kicker? An eyewitness saw none other than Jim Hopper near the bomb during setup. 

Please see below for the official eulogies for those gone too soon. 

DOES HAWKINS NEED A NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS CHAPTER?

Many of you know we have a new face in town, Dr. Gabriel Diaz. The man has run several individual and group therapy sessions with varying degrees of success– and perhaps it’s time to be responsive to the town’s needs. When can we get court-mandated addiction counseling for these gem junkies?! How many lives need to be claimed before someone steps up!?

***

SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESS: BENNY’S DINER IS BACK AND… THE SAME AS EVER!

This is not a paid advertisement. 

***

WATCH OUT FOR GEM JUNKIES: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING

You’ve heard the whispers around town, you’ve seen the faces of gem… but do you realize that it’s closer than you think? The demise of our small-town safety and our bustling economy? If these people aren’t stopped, the consequences are catastrophic!

In the last three weeks, gem junkies have:

- BROKEN INTO THE HUNTING AND CAMPING STORE. Stolen merchandise includes a hunting knife, a bang stick, a gun, and several first aid kits. - VANDALIZED SCOTT CLARKE’S MEMORIAL. Green spray paint and incoherent ramblings of someone obviously on drugs are reported on the scene of the memorial at Hawkins Middle. - ENGAGED IN ANIMAL CRUELTY AND GRAND THEFT AUTO. In the middle of the night, a group of junkies raided the junkyard, rendering several dogs severely injured. And then? They hotwired a school bus and abandoned it by the border.  - TRIPPED THE ALARM AT HAWKINS LAB. What do gem dealers want with the old abandoned lab? What did they take? What are they going to use it for?

As the Keith’s Basement Printing Press works night and day to provide answers to your questions, keep these helpful safety tips in mind:

- Don’t eat or drink unknown substances. Pack your lunch!

- Don’t talk to strangers.

- Look out for people wearing multiple silver rings– it’s common in the gem community.

- Don’t walk alone. The buddy system is tried and true!

- Talk to your kids about drugs. It’s never too early to be afraid.

- And above all: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!

This has been the second edition of Keith’s Basement Printing Press. As we are dedicated to journalism in the highest quality, please don’t hesitate to leave tips in our ask box or on our submit page.

Keith Johnson, EIC

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

Hey Keith ... I don't think my first complaint made it to your basement operation. Just want to clear the air. I'm not dealing gem. They're starting to ask questions at my work. Thanks, J. Byers.

Jonathan Byers, coming out of the woodwork... Who would've thought all those years ago that you would need a favor from me.

I'll have you know that any and all information published in Keith's Basement Printing Press is passed through a rigorous vetting process by highly qualified individuals that have trained personally. I'm sorry to hear that you don't agree, but facts don't care about your feelings. It's my duty, as the harbinger of truth in Hawkins, to publish everything I know. How else will parents keep their children safe? How else will we strive for a better Hawkins?

Some of us prioritize integrity over some silly job.

Hope this helps! Keith Johnson, EIC.

@byersphotography

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

obviously now I’m begging for your ranking of the females

I hope we can avoid any hurt feelings by recognizing that these rankings are scientifically-based!

@backtowheeler @thequeenofhawkins @joycefm @cassieconrads @barbhxllcnd @quinnbauman @savethevirginia @rebcrn @bethkrichards @afterlifeisdeath @tammyonvinyl @xihopper @yousuzeyoulose @julieforeman @jofcreman @rcbinbvckleys @kvrenwheeler @evienotnicks @ericasinclairss @zccming

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

i think we should have a straight pride parade and you should lead it. tessa could have joined you if only she hadn't been killed tragically 😭

Tessa was a nice girl, what a shame!

What's a "pride" parade? As such a public figure, I'd have to check with my secretary and make sure I don't have any prior engagements, but I'd be happy to lead your parade.

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

That new therapist in town, Dr. Daddy, is pretty hot, right?

Please refer to the official KBPP Hot List for my ranking.

He has nice eyes.

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

i heard that cole montgomery is a whore :/

Are you trying to tell me he's kissed Nancy??? Otherwise I don't know why that would be newsworthy.

And why are people into that?! He's a skeleton.

@loverboymontgomery

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

Don't be shy Keith! Who are the hottest boys in hawkins?

Well, I'm definitely no expert in the area but I'm always happy to share my opinion.

@chancecunningham @jackforeman @goldenboyrichards @fitzythegreat @sinclairss @risenhargrove @eddiemcnson @calcunningham @willthewize @argylesweeder @drewcampbell @dvstybuns @loverboymontgomery @reefcrrick @mayorstjames @scribblcs @nilssen @newbyss @murray-baumans @stevehharringtcns @byersphotography @paladinmakesyoucrazy @mmuscles​

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

keith do u serve cunt

Max I work at Family Video, not a coffee shop. I don't serve anything.

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

Will Byers wore a thong to Scott Clarke's funeral /: I saw it when he bent over the casket to pay his respects!

Why are you telling me this? Do you really think this is newsworthy? God!

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

For those of you who somehow DON’T know what ‘keelhauling’ is. Really, it’s a pity the state of education in this country. Read a book, morons!

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

where were u during the carnival and why was it not by nancy's side??

Like I've said before, I'm a very public figure. I draw attention everywhere I go! And anyone close to me is therefore put under the public eye by association. I'm under strict rules to give her space in public settings!

Of course you wouldn't understand the dynamics of an adult relationship.

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

stay away from nancy wheeler or so help me god I will end you with my bare hands

Oh okay, you're going to "end me with your bare hands" but you can't even face me now? Sure.

I don't scare easy! I've got an uncle in prison you know!

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

FMK nancy, mike, karen wheeler

Well this one was easy!

[Be]friend: Karen

Manipulate: Mike, that hellion

Keelhaul: Nancy (ONLY because she's such a private girl, I think it would behoove her to be more open about certain parts of her life! Her romantic history, perhaps. A relationship is only healthy if you can have open and honest dialogue.)

@backtowheeler @kvrenwheeler @paladinmakesyoucrazy

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

what was your favourite part about the barbecue keith?

The backyard was quite lovely! Karen has a nice setup for cornhole. It seems my friends were otherwise occupied, or else we would've had a tournament. Next time!

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

Rumour has it that Jonathan Byers, Argyle Fuentes, and Jo Foreman snuck into Karen's supply closet for drain cleaner and a threesome?

Well, I'm sure if it was THOSE three, it wasn't drain cleaner. You know Jonathan Byers and Argyle Fuentes allegedly brought Gem here from California. Why else would they summer in Hawkins? And that Jo Foreman has never been on the right side of the tracks, so to speak.

I wouldn't be surprised to hear they'd engaged in other unholy acts in the widely respected Karen Wheeler's home.

@byersphotography @argylesweeder @jofcreman

[keithsbasementprintingpress]

ur mom

..... Is a wonderful woman? A respected member of this community? A good mother who loves me, unlike yours I'm sure.