keeping-accountable

[keeping-accountable]

The worst part about anything that’s self-destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.

[keeping-accountable]

Hello, day ten. It's been a while.

I have made it to day 10 sober. The last time I've had ten days under my belt was at the end of August 2022... which is crazy for me to think about. What a struggle it has been for me to get through even just a couple of days of not drinking before. In this moment, I feel so settled in my decision to not drink - and kind of powerful because of it, if I'm being honest with myself. Yet, I can admit that I am also kind of embarrassed about it at the same time. I find myself making excuses about my lack of drinking to people... "oh I'm just doing dry January" or "oh, I'm going to try and stay sober until my birthday [March]" when my true intention is to live a life free of substances from here on out. I guess I'm trying to make it less "weird", but I should really be asking myself "less weird for who?" Not only am I seeing, but I am also experiencing the positive effects of my not drinking, so what is there to make less weird? It's a positive thing. My goal here is to live a sober life and not be sober temporarily. Why do I find shame in that? Because I have identified a problem within myself? Because I'm going against the gain? Because I feel like me not drinking is me outting myself as having a problem? I have fallen into the trap of stereotyping myself and others. I have shame that is not mine, but I have taken on in carrying. It has become mine.

[keeping-accountable]

There is something to be said about the power you feel when you are sound in your decision making [not drinking], and making decisions along the way that reflect that overall desire [saying no to drink offers].

But then again, what do I know. I'm not far along this journey.

[keeping-accountable]

to new beginnings...? DAY ONE, again.

What I’ve realized about myself is that I am someone who holds January 1st, particularly January 1st at 12:01AM, very sacred. I am that person who creates new years resolutions, and one of those people who struggles to start new goals mid-year because well, it’s not January 1st. I guess this is my “toxic trait”, if you will. And, clearly this page, blog, whatever-you-want-to-call-it is living proof of that.. 

I guess my birthday kind of holds the same kind of hope, the hope of a fresh start. But anyway, given that the day has come - happy new year to all 2 of you who follow along by the way, I know how important it is to stick to my resolutions, though mainly just one.. particularly this year. You guessed it, sobriety.

The year that I turn 30 has always been my sober goal, or at least it has been from the ages of 25 to 29, when I have been struggling to get sober. I hold the “start off a new decade in my life the right way” mentality.  

Being someone who puts a lot of value and significance on this once-a-year day, messing up just means the year will not differ from any other year thus far, which I am not willing to let happen.

So here we go.

[keeping-accountable]

If I drink to get away from myself, what would happen if I did the opposite? What if I approached it, addressed it.. stopped running away from it?

[keeping-accountable]

Take aways from counselling thus far...

Calling something a "replacement behaviour" only makes you [me] want to hold onto alcohol more tightly.

It is important to have options for meeting your need that don't include alcohol.

Who said it is a problem? Based on whose standards? My understanding of my alcohol consumption is based on social constructs.

I consume alcohol when: I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm celebrating, to get out of my body, to relax & unwind, and to be social.

My first recollection of problematic drinking was undergrad... when we were binge drinking four nights a week... every week.

What is the alcohol masking?

What is my goal? Sobriety, which feels impossible. I hate to say that, but it does.

I need to have compassion for myself.

[keeping-accountable]

It's been a while, I'm sure you can guess why. I guess the only update I have at this point is that I've been more open with more of my friends about my increased alcohol intake and that I've initiated going to counselling to address it.

Stay tuned.

[keeping-accountable]

What I've noticed for myself is how infectious waking up another day sober is, mainly the part when I wake up and at some point, check my sobriety tracker and see that I'm at X days Y hours and Z minutes. In my case, it's 3 days, 6 hours and 56 minutes with some change. I get a little glimmer inside, a sense of being proud of myself. It's certainly a much better way to wake up, waking up feeling settled.

[keeping-accountable]

and again.

If you’re wondering why I’ve been so mum lately.. well, you already know. I wish that I could say that I’m 10 days plus how many ever have lapsed since then, but I can’t, because I’m not. I’m once again, on day two.

The weekend of my last post, I gave into the feeling that I wanted to recreate for myself at our out of province home. I wanted that relaxing evening with a glass of wine watching TV while curled up with the dog on the couch just enjoying myself. I can admit.. it was nice. But as always, the aftermath wasn’t. That racing heart rate and disrupted sleep gets me every. single. damn. time. It also opened up the flood gates, as I knew it would. You drink one day, you may as well have a drink or two on all the other days as well. I just caught myself distancing myself from my behaviour. Lets try that again. I drank one day, so I decided it was okay to have a drink or two on all of the other days that week, except for one day.

For years I have been writing about not only wanting, but knowing that sobriety is the way for me, but both then, and also now, I struggle to see its longevity. Maybe I need to just take it one day at a time - I am sober today, and I will worry about what it looks like tomorrow, tomorrow. I need to start reconciling my identity with my newer identity (sober), if this is ever going to be a success story. 

[keeping-accountable]

10 days.

I spent the better part of yesterday’s afternoon having an internal back-and-forth conversation with myself about whether or not I will drink this weekend, easily making a case for both. One way would lead me down a rabbit hole where one [drink] would turn into many, and not just in one sitting. That single drink would lead to uncertainty about when my next ten days sober would be, heck, when my next five, two even, days sober would be. And the other way, well that leads to feeling “proud” of myself, sticking to my goals, bettering my health and a so called “better life” according to all the sobriety-related books I have been reading. Kind of sounds underwhelming, doesn’t it? 

You see, I’m not a moderator.. at least, not the kind I would like to be and idolize. I would love to be the person who has a single glass of wine. The person who has that single glass of wine and not another until their next social outing. But, I know myself well enough to know that it just is not me, especially if I am indulging in alcohol in the comfort of my own home.. which is code for “at home alone”. One glass of wine leads to half.. sometimes a full bottle of wine. More often then not, it only escalates to me drinking half of the bottle but even with that, I can expect disrupted sleep, a racing heart and a not-so-great feeling the next day coupled with some regret, depression and anxiety, which I don’t normally experience outside of drinking... at least, not the depression part.

One would think that these feelings would act as a deterrent for me, but they tended not to. Drinking one night seems to lead me down a road where I justified drinking other nights. And so, the cycle would continue but, I wasn’t the only one in it. Many of my friends were as well (and continue to be), which only normalized my drinking to me. I still however, felt as though I had a problem. Which is how I found myself in my bargaining headspace yesterday.. which sounded something like:

“Why am I the only one that thinks they have a problem?”

 “Am I being dramatic?” 

“Why can’t I moderate like others?” 

“You know what? Fuck it, you only have one life, may as well have fun and drink!” 

“Will I be seen as less desirable if I don’t drink?” 

“Maybe I can only limit my drinking to our out of province home.. but wait, that didn’t work before”

“Fuck it, how dumb was I to think I’ll go sober”

“Ugh, I know I need to keep going with this”.

... you get the point.

It's obvious there is a little bit of grief in there for me, in this new identity as a “sober” person. But, I am yet another day sober.. admittedly, largely because of a lack of alcohol in our out of province home. But I am happy to have made it to day 10, regardless of how I got here. It’s a big feat for me.

[keeping-accountable]

one week.

I had an interview that I bombed for a job that I really wanted. But I still didn’t drink. One week of sobriety in the books, at least. 

[keeping-accountable]

Proud of myself.

While I am tempted to say that I am “only” on day four of sobriety, about to be day five, I do not want to diminish the accomplishment because truth be told, I haven’t had a day four since August 5th, and before that, since June 10th of this year.  

[keeping-accountable]

I have this habit of looking up sober celebrities everytime I decide it's time to go sober. Yeah, you read that right. Everytime. I'm unsuccessful a lot. But I look them up as if they and their story is going to provide me with some sort of strength or knowledge.. or "inspo" which again, "everytime" .. so it clearly does not. But I find comfort knowing there are others navigating the waters with me.

Zac Efron

Milo Ventimiglia

Blake Lively

Dax Shepard

Demi Lovato

Jada Pinkett Smith

Kelly Osbourne

Jason Wahler

Jessica Simpson

Eva Mendes

Kat Von D

Rumer Willis

Drew Barrymore

Bradley Cooper

Jennifer Lopez

Pharrell Williams

Sadie Calvano

Lala Kent

Natalie Portman

.. amongst many many others.

[keeping-accountable]

August 24, 2022

day two. 

The irony of this post is that it comes after my last post, nearly one year prior.. which was my “day one”. I’ve had a lot of “day ones” between then and yesterday. Like a lot. Those just happen to live documented within the pages of my journal and not on this tumblr page. Given that I am here right now drafting this post, I’m sure you can guess how each of those went.

This time however, I have not told anyone about my plan to quit. I had shared before that come 30, which is only a couple of months away, I will be ditching alcohol, but at this point, I don’t think any of my friends really take me seriously anyway. I also should point out that while I phrased it as “will be” [ditching alcohol], the reality of the situation is better reflected by “will be trying”.

I am hoping to get myself to 30 with a few months of sobriety under my belt. Let me try that again. I will get myself to 30 with a few months of sobriety under my belt. 

Here I go.

[keeping-accountable]

December 26, 2021. day one.

I am serious this time.

[keeping-accountable]

not the smartest idea

I knew what I was doing, or rather would be doing when I agreed to those plans. Even while I was doing it I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. It was not worth it. Since that binge, I have been off on all of my physical and mental health routines... for two weeks now. That is two weeks of not feeling like myself, or at least, my “greatest” self all for one night of binge drinking. It has certainly not felt good. I always look for proof that I need to go sober, and my drinking experiences always deliver them, yet I fail to lean into their lesson. Part of me is thankful in a way, because the drinking anxiety, post-drinking depression have become so intolerable, that I likely would not be toying with the idea of sobriety if it weren’t for these experiences. I’ve always felt that your body tells you what it needs, and mine is certainly whispering to me what the right path is. Well if I am being honest, it has been doing so for the past three years now. But like I’ve said before, taking the leap is daunting. Plus, it becomes confusing when sometimes I can have just that one drink, or that one glass of wine, or am smart and opt for a 2.5% radler versus anything higher percentage and not be impacted greatly. But I feel more serious about it this time. I am currently reading “Quite Like A Woman” by Holly Whitaker and so far, it has really been leaving a mark on me. Day 3 of sobriety. 

[keeping-accountable]

“crunch time”

that time come the end of the day where you are hyper-alert (though that is probably not the best word for it) to the time of the evening, and consider the time that the alcohol selling stores close. “Crunch time” refers to the back and forth I go through in my head about whether or not to go buy alcohol before it is too late (ie. the stores close). On most days I am lucky to ride that back and forth out until it’s “too late”, knowing it’s for the best. But not always. 

Day one and two of this journey however, I was lucky enough. 

I will say, now that the grocery stores need to stop selling at the same time as the designate liquor stores, this has become somewhat easier. Otherwise, when I initially said “no” but later changed my mind, I had options.