kdnisdead - Tumblr blog

[kdnisdead]

[kdnisdead]

we really need to start telling people ‘dont feed the trolls’ again because ragebaiting is getting like. disturbingly effective on the internet again even to young people who should know better

[kdnisdead]

might fuck around and ✨unalive✨ at the end of the year if I can't turn my life around

[kdnisdead]

imagine having 60 dollars for Chinese food (???) but not money to get medicine for the dog that costs less

I want to go no contact with my mother whomst I live with

[kdnisdead]

I want to go no contact with my mother whomst I live with

[kdnisdead]

not me being loyal to somebody who is not currently capable of loving me correctly instead of reclaiming my slut era

[kdnisdead]

bruh....

[kdnisdead]

Ready to die 🤪

[kdnisdead]

I spent ten years building up a following on Tumblr. I had 30k+ followers, great engagement, it helped my career thrive like nothing else. I could quit my day job and live off the fan base I’d accrued.

Then, their policies changed. Half my work was no longer allowed. People left the site in droves. I left too, for awhile. I came back to a ghost town. I still have 25k followers, but I don’t think more than 10% are active anymore. I’m followed by ghosts. Same with DeviantArt, although I was never quite as big there, and I’ve been gone so much longer.

This disallowed half of my work was never allowed on Facebook in the first place, or Instagram, but their algorithms are such that my stuff rarely makes it to anyone’s feeds, and if I post a link to where people could actually pay me for my content, it’s hidden unless I pay for it. Patreon swept my work away to a dark corner where no one could see it unless I personally guided them there. Twitch is so strict you can’t even show bare feet. The death of Google Reader means nobody follows RSS feeds anymore, so I can’t direct people to my own site.

So there’s Twitter I guess, where I can post whatever I want, but again, algorithms. But more than that, I don’t have the energy to build up a following once again on a site I don’t own that can delete my career on a whim. The thought of spending time jumping around through hoops for attention just to have it taken away again has stripped any motivation I had to try.

The internet has been gentrified. All the small cute houses and mom & pop shops have been shut down and replaced by big corporations that control everything. I’ve been making webcomics for twenty years, and at the start, the internet was a beautiful wild place. Everyone had a home page. It was like having a house and people came to visit you and you would visit other people in their houses. Now, we don’t visit each other in personal spaces anymore. It’s like we have to visit each other in the aisles of a megamart. Everything is clean and sanitized and the weirdos who made the internet what it was are no longer welcome. No space for freaks anymore.

People still ask me for advice on how to break into comics, and I don’t have any wisdom because I don’t recognize the internet anymore. I don’t feel comfortable working within its boundaries which seems to be getting smaller and smaller and smaller. None of the tools I used when I started exist anymore. They’ve been replaced by things I don’t know how to use. I don’t think I could break into comics today. 2002 had so few barriers compared to now. You might have started on Keenspace, but you could reach a point where you could break away to your own site and people would go to it. Now, you start on Webtoon or Patreon and I guess you just stay there? It feels so much like owning a hardware store for years and then having to go work as a cashier at the Home Depot that put you out of business. I’m looking at my career trajectory and it all points to being a Wal-Mart greeter with uncontrolled arthritis.

I don’t want to make “content,” I want to make comics, I want to make art, and I want to do it in a space that is mine. I’m not sure there’s a place for that anymore.

[kdnisdead]

the fat experience is I'm on my third person who I am certain is in love with me and is struggling with actually committing to it. the second man in this trifecta loved me so much I swear to god he went and married my best friend, and it was so obvious he preferred me that they fought literally all the time when I was around. this man still texts me sometimes to tell me when shimmer by fuel is playing, because this is the song that makes him think about me the most.

I am tired of this why is love so out of my reach lol imagine somebody loving me enough how I look doesn't matter. Or even loving how I look. Loving me bc it's me.

I know love from other people isn't everything but it starts to be when you've never had it. and I'm getting old. I have less years ahead of me than I do behind me.

The closest I have is absolutely there are people I've met online who love me but. I barely talk to anyone anymore. And I need physical presence. I need to hold a hand. I need somebody to hug me!!! I am so alone and have been so so long I do not want to keep going anymore. I wish I were different. My body, my bad brain, I wish I were easy to love and worth loving. I'm very tired.

[kdnisdead]

rositooth

[kdnisdead]

Roses decorating Casa Navàs (built 1901-1908) in Reus, Camp de Tarragona, Catalonia.

Photos by amiplim on Instagram.

[kdnisdead]

[kdnisdead]

im going to fucking die

[kdnisdead]

mutuals that I'd like to go on a walk with on warm spring days

[kdnisdead]

some loser: humans are innately selfish creatures

my psych book:

[kdnisdead]

tbh the more time you spend around open, wild bodies of water like rivers, lakes and seas the more you begin to understand why pretty much every culture in the world has a similar eerie, hypnotically beautiful yet terrifying temptress figure who lures people into the depths to drown them and/or eat them in its folklore representing the seductive call of the water. it really is just like that.