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[kdescape]

I hope you understand but im not jealous (a personal journey)

Growing up with an absent or with a confusing father figure significantly impacted my early life. I often felt envious of those who seemed to live better lives or had more privileges than I did. As a middle child, I lacked a close bond with my parents—my dad worked abroad, and my mom was always busy. This neglect extended to my brother and me. While our parents provided for our basic needs, they never truly understood us.

My deep-seated envy became apparent when I found myself cringing at people enjoying time with their families. Their better relationships highlighted the deficiencies in mine. However, I did have one positive relationship with my grandfather, who served as a father figure until his passing when I was nine. His teachings left a lasting impact, encouraging me to respect and prioritize myself.

As a child, I became mean and avoidant, a defense mechanism against the neglect I felt. In high school, I shifted to people-pleasing, seeking attention and validation. During this time, I wasn’t mean anymore but still driven by a need to be noticed.

At some point in my teenhood, ive dated older guys because of the bad dating system my country has and how poorly a relative took advantage of me but i felt so validated by it that it lead me to date much older guys because its whats familiar to me and its the only time that i felt so seen and validated. I feel so gross thinking about it but i am able to come at peace with it now that i know its wrong. I do hope the guys realize that what they did was wrong.

Reflecting on my journey, I realize that my envy stemmed from feeling unseen and undervalued. Recognizing this has been crucial in overcoming these negative emotions. Focusing on personal growth and self-acceptance, building healthy relationships, and finding fulfillment within myself have been essential steps in moving past envy and towards a more positive outlook on life.

[kdescape]

Wish my friends would say the same.

[kdescape]

Hello, my name is Kaye, and I'm 21 years old. I'm a Gemini ♊. Thank you for taking the time to check out my profile; it means a lot to me. I've been absent around personal friends and family for a while, struggling to get a hold of myself.

However, I'm now on a journey of healing, and I invite you to join me as I share my random personal insights and fun realizations from the past six months. Though I initially planned to start in January, I was too hurt to post anything, spending six months feeling stagnant. As I begin to share my thoughts, know that they may reflect my healing process.

English isn't my first language, so please bear with any perceived laziness or slang. I'm simply trying to piece myself together, exhausted from carrying my burdens alone. I hope you can empathize with my journey. Some of the posts will be new thoughts, while others will be journal entries. Thank you for being here; I hope you enjoy.