kayleystittychallenge-blog

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finally this year- after three therapists coming to the same conclusion---my medical charts will say that i am not bipolar- it was a mis diagnosis. it has been a lot to process in general but it feels right and it feels good! sometimes having cancer allows me to talk about truama in a way that is accepable by society in a way that struggling with anxiety and PTSD is not

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me having some fun with makeup -26 feels good- i like this picture even though i can never look happy in a sefie

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my show ephemera is blending in on the right bottom corner

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I was still getting used to taking all my meds in the morning. I hate the taste of the clear, plastic looking casing on my tongue. If I swallowed them looking in the bathroom mirror I couldn't help but check out my tongue to see if the pill left a streak of the pigmented coating. These pills were not candy coated and the pastel casing did not match the highlighter yellow colored powder that filled the pills. The most important pills are small enough that if I am too lazy or impatient to get water I can collect enough spit in my mouth pretty quickly to swallow it down. I always need water to wash it down anyway so I don’t know why I do this, other than, maintenance is a drag. I was adding turmeric and green tea and fish oil and calcium and vitamin d and i needed to take miralax to help with side effects of the opioids. This was on top of my oral chemo. The days I went into manhattan for imaging I couldn't eat until after my CT scans. The process was this: Wake up. Get ready, mainly getting dressed and taking my cocktail of medications without food. Get onto the L train and transfer at union square to the 6. Get off uptown and walk to the Hospital. Snake through the underground level to get to the bone scan location and get an IV placed in my arm. Get a radioactive injection as a nurse asks to make sure I will not be around infants or small children in the next 24 hours and then am told to drink fluids and come back in two hours. Then I go and get my CT scan which is at a different location in the same hospital. Once I get there and checked in. I am given a strange smoothie type drink in a plastic bottle- it is berry flavor but mostly tastes like metal. I grab a large styrofoam cup and pour the drink in the cup so I can gulp it down. It would make me gag but I drink it fast enough where I can stomach it. The CT scan itself is fast. I like the ritual of getting into warm gown and I only speak to repeat my name and birthdate to the nurse before my IV is checked and flushed. On the CT ‘s table I am set up so my arms reach over my head. The machine tells me when I can breath as it moves me horizontally in and out of the spinning ring. The radiologist tells me over the speaker that they are ready for the contrast, I nod slightly and say, “ok”. There is a rush of warmth that surges through my body as I listen for when to breath and am moved in and out. When the whirring of the disk stops the door opens and the radiologist takes out my IV and lets me know I am good to go. I don't feel like eating hospital food this time and forgot to pack a lunch do I just relax until my bone scan. I like the bone scan because I can not move for 30 minutes and I get wrapped in warm blankets. It is ok for me to nap but I never actually fall asleep. I meditate. If I am not in the right mind space I find that I patiently wait til my head is clear from the scanner and I rebelliously and very slowly turn my head to the side of the room that the computer display is set up and I try to analyze the imaging. I have no idea what to look for but I try to see if there are any inconsistencies. This particular day I just laid and meditated. When I was done the nurse came in and turned the lights back on and reminded me again to drink fluids. I left the hospital and grabbed a green machine smoothie from a truck on my way to the 6 train. I wanted to eat something healthy and good for my body that was quick and on the go. When I was maybe three stops in on the 6 I felt my entire body sweat at once. I had the chills and I suddenly was not comfortable with the sensation of my body vibrating as the train sped through the tunnel. Before I knew it I was throwing up. It felt unreal and when I looked at the other people in the car they didn’t look at me or react. The train came to the next platform and I just walked off and hung over a close by garbage. I felt perfectly normal in a moment and waited for the next 6 to come. I thought about all the meds in my stomach and the two smoothies I drank. I thought more about no one reacting to a young woman throwing up on a crowded train at 11 in the morning.

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i wrote this during last summer

Topics for Thesis? 1. Fundamental of the human experience Fundamentals of the human experience Trauma theories This personal experience of quickly collecting- stuffiness. I think that death is one of those concepts that is contextualized by being a fundamental human experience- or really anything with a life. You I begin to contemplate grander ideas and really understand them in a more personal and deeper way. Things like birth trauma theories, attachment theories- looking at how we understand life and our human behavior and these very psychological ideas. 2. Self Mind body/ self So called you We do not know if we exist or not Self-deception Identity Multiple selves *Encapsulation of who I am and what I have become *how the body is an expression of emotional and physical- how interconnected and ever-changing those systems are- re mapping- a spiritual death and re awakening- I think that self will be in here no matter what- I am making art while intentionally thinking abou my human/ personal experience. 3. Living with cancer What is happening in the body with cancer? What does it look like? What does it feel like? The reality of things as they are Thresholds and passages In the middle of uncertainties fragility of the material material agency of suffering bowed by the weight of the collective Deny fight believe repeat understand disease and process full fulling life Preciousness in life- to share Physical manifestation of existence Leaving something of yourself behind Encapsulation of who I am and what I have become I could really see these as titles or even a grander idea- visually expressing these ideas a looks how it feels assignment. 4. body/ pain/ brain/ emotion How is pain/ illness conceived in the body? Relationship to trauma? Transformation Inevitable changes Immune therapies what are those possible transitions like- how to they feel emotionally and physically this idea that emotional and physical are so closely related it i difficult to separate them how emotions are held in the body fragmentation of the body seems to be what i am thinking of Physical discomfort/ exhaustion, packaged, memory, achievements, stages of life? Mortality, body versus soul, physical limitation, health doing is the body negotiating the physical world in relationship to a wide range of behaviors Vulnerable, fetal, unprotected, brave, clinical, digital, suction, loss of air in the room, lungs slowly filling and emptying, cross sections, cutting, uncomfortable, quietly active, projection- disappearance of the body from skins to organs to bones- everything needed for a living being, being able to see or observe something with technology but not being able to fix our “bodies” inefficiency feeling the pain as an actual body system that was attatched to my back- like we were transformers or something very sci- fi. how the body is an expression of emotional and physical- how interconnected and ever-changing those systems are- re mapping- a spiritual death and re awakening- 5. Preparing to die: Fill out an advanced directive Look at what happens to the physical body after – organ donor – burial- cremation A Chaplin- someone to help with the family matters around death A neutral person- removed from my family What happened to my things when I die? The language and societal behavior towards the dying What happens to the body/ brain at death? What is happening in the body with cancer? What does it look like? What does it feel like? 6. I want to look at different mythology and cultural depictions of death Choose different ideas to represent in my work The how of 5. 7. Reaching enlightenment https://embodiedastrology.com/2016/12/28/setting-our-sights-on-the-future-capricorn-new-moon/ the power of sisterhood and self care process toward enlightenment and inquiry soul searching doing a transition- myself- using ritual to become more connected eat pray love or something like that reincarnation heideger pump for water, pain of experiences, hand becomes handle. cones- meditative poetry - contradictions triple candie- jens hoffman http://www.renderfoodmag.com/blog/2016/7/11/toward-a-radical-nourishment-manifesto-and-self-care-ecology No ego- caught the fish, did not create the fish There is no certainty Want to be ok with dying at the moment of death Spiritual connectedness Intentional thought Stretching of the bodies moments affect indivisible reclaiming the sublime kundalini yoga - https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/ten-bodies/characteristics-ten-bodies-0 10 bodies- radiant body- symbolic courage Spiritual materialism Self ego to use mantra to become a powerful being Let us mock the eye Build our spirit Sit and do nothing Body speech and mind Overhead projector Dharma art Rather than painting the lake- paint being in the water Look at Buddhist ritual Jin sookim Tibetan prayer flags 8. Ways of dealing and coping with a chronic illness Life and loss and coping -living -making a bucket list What type of life is important to you? -changes? Perspective? How plants have changed their health Something outside western hospitals Different methods of healing? -homeopathic -western -eastern -clinical -western -eastern 9. Joy creative process gives me energy, community process of balance. Process of making- working through trauma Formalization- - compose to make more than ordinary- arrange patterns, Repatition, exaggeration, elaboration, surprise Healing from giving- healing from receiving- hospital art- important enough to get to see it in art, in making, in sharing and in participating Sense of humor Enjoying senses Sense of wisdom Make with your own hands Missed ceremony- art? During ceremony- all ordinary everyday Things have become extraordinary Arts to help us transition through. Transformation- material transformation. Art- transformative agent to connectivity. 10. To have a changed perspective of time time is something that i really want to explore my relationship to- the reality and perception of other. Connection through time Science fiction idea- to come back in my next life and I left a path for me to find who I used to be and connect with family and friends 11. Look at what happens to a body after death -as an organ donor -as preparation for burial -as preparations for cremation Disconnections with the body especially after death death- how to die- what happens when you die- look at other people who are processing death- exploring ways of living- trying a new diet for a month , just immersing myself in one idea- or branch of ideas literally thinking about what the body goes through after death 12. what happens to things? Objects financial burden? Collected material Charm- symbol of the object materials being reused and supporting many lives of different pieces I want to really explore a couple of things- my connection to containers using found objects- the commentary is often imbedded in the wall text. instead the commentary is imbedded in the objects collected material Everything is material - point of view- having a ritual with objects- sacred objects- using what you have- economy of things- way of living- healing and trauma. 13. Telling my story Understanding past lives Work towards turtle Turtle stories Anecdotes Ancestry Look at ancestry Understand what it took for me to have my life through the stories of the people especially the women in my family

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i dont want to be positive all of the time about stuff on here- i dont think i always am but, i do generally want to support my support... i just want to be honest- not be afraid of sounding ungreatful or not ok... i am really lucky to be doing so well and i dont want to be thought of as having a sad story but i want to be honest and realistic about my experiences. the past almost two years I have been in a mfa program making work about my human experience processing ptsd and cancer stuff. i want to be radical in my writing and not be afraid- adhering to a humbled voice- this life has been both nasty and beautiful and i want to share it all

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i have been using my schools gym quite a bit. I did a crazy arm day on tuesday and I am feeling sore today. it feels so good to have that type of pain in my body. A pain that signifies working hard and getting stronger. rather than, "is that from cancer?" or "will i have this pain for ever?" a theory on menopause: I think that the underarm flabby skin is beacasue my triceps have become miscellaneous. my trainer had me doing diamond push ups and notiiced i wasnt using my triceps which is kind of the point of that exercisse. she told me she has a feeling I am really strong and has been pusing me hard athletically. It feels so good. She isn't afraid of me having cancer. i love remembering how important being an athlete is to me. It balances me out and activates a clear thinking space and is just so fucking meditative

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AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! ***waking up from a long nap***** two year nap???? almost... looking back, I have done quick check ins but I havent spent decent time on this page in about 2 years. A lot has happened. Ill slowly chatch up but moslty move forward. In terms of my health specific to cancer, Ill put it the way my docotor put it... The overall picture is I am stable and treatments are working in full effect. its complicated- the effects. Sometimes i look in the mirror and see spider veins forming in my cheeks. If I allow the time to, I wonder if the cancer treatment is somehow causing them. is it just aging? is it aging with a system deprived of estrogen? is it stress? is it from living freely in the sun? is it lack of sun in cloudy portland and my face is so pale i can notice more veins? is my face just too fucking close to the mirror? causes and effects are complex right? well, the treatments and the way my body works and the way that cancer is- all working simultaneously and interconnectly ..... is also very complex. But the overall is I am doing well. Ill get into the detailed health catch up later. I felt inspired to reactivate this page after talking to my grandma who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. i hate to try to simplify my emotions and thoughts around this. There is a part of it that makes me think about the specialness about us both experiencing this. We have each other to talk to about it. There is also a strong disconnection. We live far away and have very differnt lives. I guess I am feeling I want to connect and express- a space to let go of grammer and write and share and process by a direct means of tumblr blogging. i have a lot to unpack- so bear with me.

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anybody still check this thing?

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Hey y'all, It has been mad long. I finished my first term of grad school and finished with a GPA of 4.0. So that felt aswesome. School has been interesting. It was kind of a commintment rollercoaster. I really didnt know if it was for me several times but I kept at it and got into it. I am excited to start a new term in the new year. I will be doing a process piece to do with my health. Different peopl are giving me a complete schedule for a week. I will do it for 10 weeks. It should be an interesting experience. I have been having such an overwhellming time moving and starting school and working and medical stuff. I am really ready to have a healthier schedule and work harder in that department. My last scans were amazing and I am doing really well.

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Colin and I went to see Johanna Warren last night. Here is one of her videos. My older brother is in this one. check it out!

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Here is some info on the drugs I take.

I recently switched to Ibrance which is Pfizer's newly passed version of the clinical study drug I was taking for the past year. I take letrozole daily in combination with ibrance. Ibrance is taken in cycles of three weeks on, one week off. Both drugs are estrogen blockers. I was also getting neulasta injections once a month as a result to those drugs giving me a lowered immune system. 

 My new doctor does not want me to continue taking this drug because she does not know the long term effects of taking it, and is worried about my bone health. I will continue to take xgeva monthly to strengthen my bones. 

 Side effects that I experience as a result of the oopherectomy and the combination of estrogen blockers that I take are loss of libido, weight gain, neutropenia, low white blood cell count, weakness, fatigue, loss of bone strength. The weakness and fatigue has gotten better over time I think this has a lot to do with reducing pain meds. I am no longer on pain meds and use tiger balm.

 I have not smoked weed since I moved, over a month and a half ago (except in denver, but that was purely recreational) By doctor gave me papers for a medical marijuana card. I am thinking it over. I would like to experiment with pain relieving rubs and versions with the THC extracted. I feel I smoke more because of mental health / bi polar related issues like anxiety and insomnia. 

 I also take trazidone and abilify as needed. I dont feel side affects with abilify but tradizone makes me feel like a zombie till mid afternoon the next day after I take it and normally takes me a week to get used to it. I would rather smoke weed to get myself asleep. Though sometimes I have mixed feels about smoking regularly. I have been feeling fine with out it lately and enjoy smoking less. 

I need to get set up with a psychiatrist here and figure out a plan with that part of my life. The psych department at OHSU is out of network for me so I have to figure out someone else. 

 I am also interested in exercise and nutrition as an important part of my health plan. 

 I will be updating you with my progress in that area. All side effects aside these drugs are giving me a longer healthier life.

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Nutrition

Yesterday I met with my nutritionist and she was awesome!!! I have been having a hard time with food this year. I keep reading things that cause cancer and or feed cancer. For example sugar and dairy is said to feed cancer. I was at a point where I was nervous to eat anything becasue I didnt want it to give me more cancer. My nutritoinist said these are all myths and that there is no hard evidence for the cause of these cancers especially in breast cancer. She told me that they are more worried about me having Osteoporosis in the future and that I should be eating more dairy. I have also been gaining weight due to this past year being in pain and not being able to be as active as well as going through menopause. So I have been lost in the world of the internet to help me figure out what diet to be on for weight loss and cancer friendly foods. recently I have not been eating gluten and she set me straight and suggested that I dont elliminate anything other than empty calories. It was great to talk to someone that could help out and set me on the right track. She gave me so many resources and was so sweet. She stressed exercise and gave me some resources for cancer yoga classes. I did not realize I was at risk for Osteroperosis so that is good to know. It would be a result of the casueed by the estrogen blocking chemotherapy I am on. I am hoping to join a swimming class that is free at PSU but we will see how that turns

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financial aid is working with me and I will be able to take out more money. However I could still use some help in finding resources for grants and or scholarships. Alternative funding.

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I could use some help with finding resources.

Today was intense.

I went into my studio. I now have the keys to my new MFA studio and Colin helped me get all my supplies into it the other day so today was my first day to work on art. I was also excited becasue today was the day I would find out how much I would be getting back from my financial aid. Ya know the money I was told I would be getting back and am counting on to get going on rent and all that.

Turns out I owe the school almost 2000 out of pocket.

I freak out a little. Until I hear I can take out another loan. Graduate PLUS loan or whatever. I started crying at the financial aid office becasue I feel like I was lied to. They have reduced my loan twice now due to money I was getting from the school for being a TA. But my loans still do not cover my costs and going to school does not allow me to work enough to also pay for all of my living expenses.

I dont think doing something to better yourself and your future should be so much to ask for. I do not know what to do. I am searching online for other alternatives for loans and scholarships. Most scholarship deadlines for this year are closed til the fall for the following year.

If anyone has any suggestions, insights, recources, or words of wisdom

please emial me berezneykayley@gmail.com !!!!!!!!!!

At this time I do not know If I can go to school. I can not afford it. There is no way I can go to school and have a full time job so I may need to make a choice between school and living costs. If my loans do not give me enough for living costs i cant do this. I mean I will be working part time on campus and I actually have a couple of job interviews coming up and a position at the school computer lab already.

It is truely my dream to get my MFA and I wish to teach college with my degree. After being diagnosed I realy wanted to do something for myself and my future. I learned that life is short and after being faced with my mortlaity I wanted to do something that I could be proud of. My art helps me to move forward to keep going. It helps me to live a strong healthy and fulfilled life.

I have a new dream today to start a program to help young women with breast cancer go to school.

If anyone has any suggestions to start this program please let me know.

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