kayhag44

[kayhag44]

Guess What? You’re Not Jesus.

This summer has lasted about six years in my head which has resulted in complete and utter exhaustion. My mind, body, and soul have somehow found ways to collaborate and shut down all at once. Even just trying to type this out, my eyes are glazing over my screen. My fingers are on keyboard autopilot. I’m a heavy mouth breather because my nose has no air passageways left. Summer did not actually last six years. It just lasted long enough to take a cabin of 6 girls to Young Life camp, a cabin of 14 girls to WyldLife camp, move from an apartment to my grandparents basement, go on a 7-day road trip vacation with my family, go on a summer camp assignment as a Work Crew Boss for 21 days, turn 25, and go on a regional staff retreat. As a kid, you want summer to last forever. As an adult whose job revolves around the school year calendar, SUMMER CAN SURELY END RIGHT NOW.

As crazy as the summer has been, I know the growth that has happened in my life and in my heart has been life-changing. In a later post I’ll talk about what happened at high school camp this summer and the distinct call from God I felt while there (gotcha with that cliffhanger, huh?)

For now, let’s talk about the weirdest thing Young Life makes their employees do: Go away from work for 3 weeks and assist in running a summer camp. More specifically, run a dining hall with no prior restaurant or serving experience :)

Being a Work Crew Boss was the hardest, best job I’ve had in a long time. I loved it so much and I hope I never have to do it again. I got be a part of a team that guided 49 high school students as they volunteered 21 days of their summer to work all day in the dining hall, in housekeeping, and outside on the outdoor crew. I got to guide, love on, laugh with, and be completely annoyed by 26 of them in the dining hall. These students got one day of training and jumped right in to cleaning, setting up, serving, cleaning again, setting again, serving again, and on and on and on for 4 straight camp weeks. They came from different schools, different backgrounds, different states, different stages of faith, and yet did their best to rally behind one common goal. They served middle schoolers, leaders, teen moms, babies, childcare workers, medical teams, and assignment teams. I calculated it and we worked over 200 hours in that dining hall. I had 200 hard-working (well, sometimes) hours with them out of 504 hours total at camp. I spent 40% of my assignment session with these 26 high schoolers.  

I didn’t feel prepared for the session in the slightest. I’d never been on Work Crew or Summer Staff before. Never been an intern. Never been on an assignment. I was going in relatively blind. I don’t like to be bad at my job. It’s one of the things I hate the most. Knowing that I’m going to be bad at a job when I start it. WOOOOOBOY did God teach me a lot in that time. He blessed that session with some AMAZING high school kids. I never want to downplay what God did there. Because, wow, that team was orchestrated by God and I am so lucky to have been a Work Crew Boss with those bosses and those kids.

My greatest lesson was a tough one. I realized that I can try as much as possible to be like Jesus in every way, but I am not Jesus. I’m a human. I have flaws. I have earthly desires. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. I get tired. I am imperfect. There were a lot of times during the session that I felt like I had to be exactly like Jesus and take on the weight of everyone’s stories, emotions, directions, reactions, etc.

I absolutely LOVED the kids on our team and a lot of them let me into their lives and stories fairly quickly. I’m a protector (big sister vibes on the daily) and so I felt I had to protect their stories and guard their emotions. As if I had any control over their stories or their emotions. I was dealing with some students who had miserable home lives, terrible pasts, and internal anger. But this meant that I took on a lot of crap. Angry and confused teenagers will do a lot to prove they are unlovable and that you’re just another adult who will leave them high and dry. 

Everyone knows I’m a bit of a goof who will put themselves as the butt of the joke so that no one else has to feel uncomfortable (#enneagram9) I’m also a confident person but the constant digging sarcasm of a 16-year-old boy will make anyone crumble. I grew up with brothers but physical pestering will still give you bruises. Just as Jesus would take on the abuse of others for the sake of the gospel, I felt I was taking on abuse for the sake of the gospel. Some of it was public, others more private. I felt like this was the cross I was meant to bear. To allow them to be internally angry at God/parents/siblings/coaches/themselves by allowing them to be externally angry at me. Exhausted teenagers who have never worked an 8-hour day in their life will push buttons you didn’t even know you had. 

And yet, friends, for some reason I loved them anyways. It didn’t matter what they did to me or what they said or how they acted because I loved them. Knowing their stories didn’t make them unlovable. I truly felt close to Jesus because I felt like I understood him more. I had some students trying to prove that they were unlovable which only lead to making me love them more.

One night it all got to be a bit too much for me. One jab too many. One comment too many. I came back to my room practically weeping. Not because I was mad. Not because I was hurt. But because I had the realization that I am human. Sticks and stones will absolutely break my bones and words will eventually tear me apart emotionally no matter how confident I am.

I had the realization that night that Jesus took on SO MUCH MORE for me and you and these kids and your kids and your enemies. What I experienced was simply a microcosm of what he has done for us. He took on the abuse of the world, was ridiculed, shamed, beaten and bruised. He died a miserable death on a cross. BECAUSE HE LOVES US. He took on this abuse and looked on us with love! I was so focused on trying to BE Jesus that I forgot I’m Kaylee! And Jesus took on SO MUCH MORE abuse for my sake. He takes on my abuse and loves me anyways. I’m not Jesus. I can turn the other cheek, take another pie to the face, quietly protest, and then point others to Jesus, but I am not him.

These kids didn’t need another person walking out when things got tough. They didn’t need another punching bag. They need a God who relentlessly pursues them. Who intentionally chooses to love them every day. Who is PROUD of them. Who does not leave them in their darkest moments. Who has been there since the beginning. I know this is the God they need because it’s the God I need. The God of the Universe. Who relentlessly pursues me even in my hardest times. Who looks at my mess and doesn’t say, “I’m out, this is too much.” But cleans up the messes I’ve created, the mistakes I’ve made.  

I will never forget Work Crew Creekside Session 3. These kids have my heart both now and always. We grew together, cried together, and laughed together A LOT. They gave me so much joy. I had to stop tucking the girls into bed because I would keep hanging around long past “lights out” to see what funny thing they would do next (true story). My boss team was amazing and I wouldn’t have survived without my girl gang (Claire, Amanda, and Elizabeth) I grew as a leader, as a sister, as a friend, as a co-worker, as a boss, as a woman, and as Kaylee. I could tell hundreds of stories about this session but I won’t. I’ll just say this: I’m just a flawed human being trying to love people as endlessly as Jesus does. Because He surely loves me.

[kayhag44]

You’re Not In Control

I love Jesus but sometimes I’m a little superstitious. My family tends to think we somehow play a part in Seahawk games if we are sitting in certain seats, eating certain foods, and saying certain things. If you’re in the bathroom at the Hagen house when the Seahawks score a touchdown, you better believe you’re staying there for the rest of the game. It’s only crazy if it doesn’t work, right?

Well, I have carried this kind of mentality with me for most of my life in regards to most sporting events. So it’s no surprise that I spent a lot of calculated time making sure everything was right for Meadowdale’s trip to the 3A state softball championships. Stand in the right place in the dugout, say the right thing before every pitch, always go in and out of the same section of the dugout, wear the right clothes, do drills in the same order, rip off your sweatpants before every game, go to the bathroom during the 4th inning, put your hands on the right part of the bench, breathe at the right time. Coaching is very exhausting when you somehow find a way to be a part of every play. 

It wasn’t until a too-close-for-comfort game on the first day of the tournament that something shifted my mentality. I was in the middle of my usual superstitions when I missed a pitch. I didn’t say the right thing before Lauren let the ball out of her hand and it crossed the plate. I didn’t inhale at the right time. But sure enough, it was a strike (which is no surprise because Lauren is the best pitcher in the state). And I heard a soft internal whisper. Not too loud. Not too soft. Almost a chuckle actually. 

“You’re not in control, Kaylee.”

Normally this sentence would upset me. Naturally I’m a very type-B person and I don’t like to admit how much of a control freak I actually am when it comes to running my life and doing things right. I think everyone is a control freak at some level. But for some reason this sentence gave me an immense amount of peace. I actually silently laughed at myself for a second. I realized how ridiculous I looked thinking Lauren was throwing strikes because I had my hands in a certain position or Emma and Wally hit homeruns because I was standing in the right section of the dugout (although that really did happen). 

Throughout the rest of the game, and the tournament for that matter, the whisper continued. You’re not in control, Kaylee. It was such a beautifully timed reminder. In softball and in life, you’re not in control. You can train up and bring your best A-game but at the end of the day, you’re not in control! It was calming and brought me so much joy knowing that the stresses and struggles of this world don’t need to fall on my shoulders. Or yours. 

You’re not in control. Step back, don’t try to take control of things you can’t, and find peace in the fact that the Creator of the Universe is writing your story as a part of His. You don’t need to carry the burden with you. Whether it’s something small like a softball game, or something larger in life, we aren’t meant to carry these loads on our own. Give it away and feel lighter.

“In her heart, woman plans her course, but the Lord establishes her steps.” Proverbs 16:9

[kayhag44]

Starting over SUCKS

So as a lot of you know, I've decided to set another running goal for 2016. 2015 was such a successful year and many physical triumphs occurred. I wanted to make sure that I still had it, whatever that "it" was. Last year I set a goal to train for and run a half marathon. And it happened. I started training in January and ran 13.1 consecutive miles in Huntington Beach on April 18th. Then I kind of stopped running. My goal had been reached and I felt accomplished so I figured there wasn't really a necessity to run as much anymore. I deserved a break. I felt this decision was backed up by the fact that I was finishing up my last few weeks of college, making post-grad plans, looking at a summer of traveling with not much of a chance to run anyways, and so many other things that justified giving it up with very high expectations that I could just pick it back up whenever I wanted and had the time to. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Turns out, it's hard to get back into running when you haven't been doing it for months at a time. Sure, I was active and found ways to not gain 400 pounds in my own personal off-season. But for some reason I got very angry at myself for not being able to just casually run 6 miles every so often. Thus beginning another cycle of defeat and another personal off-season because I didn't want to do the work to get back to where I once was.

It reminded me of when I was training with my roommates for the first time. My wonderful friend and roommate Emily had written out a training plan that we taped to our bathroom mirror and at the bottom of the plan she wrote "Starting over sucks so KEEP GOING." Well, oops on that one. And she was right. Starting over DOES suck. But it wasn't until I tried starting over a few weeks ago that I realized why.

When I started running in January of 2015 (for those of you that have forgotten, it is already January of 2016), I knew the only way I was going to be able to do what I had set out to do was if I was pushed by the right people. There was absolutely NO WAY that I was going to willingly train for a half marathon on my own terrible encouragement. I needed more. And I got that. Two of my roommates trained with me and ran the half marathon with me. Multiple others went on training runs early in the year. Several people honked at me as they drove by and shouted encouragement out the window. I came across people every day who asked about my literal journey and gave me vocal encouragement to push through and keep going. I'm not saying I don't have that now. Just ask my friend Alivia who agreed to run with me this year even though she's in South Carolina. She and I update each other with every run (BTW I ran 1.75 today, how'd you do?) and the encouragement gets me through each run even when I'm not surrounded by the APU community. But even with all these wonderful encouragers throughout my runs, I would not have done it without one person. You can probably guess that person is God. The reason I was able to do what I did last year was because I knew there was NO WAY on earth my body could run that much without a miracle from the hands of God. Every run would start and end with a prayer of thanks. Even during my runs my hands would somehow end up in the air in praise even though I felt like I hardly had energy to take another step. I was able to do what I did because I humbled myself before God and told him that I knew I was only running because he was giving me the strength to. There was no other way. I take no credit.

Many people know that I was coming to a personal crossroad at that time. When I started training, I had a lot to train for. I made a lot of positive lifestyle changes, my life's direction changed drastically, I was being challenged and pushed not just physically but mentally and emotionally in so many ways. The decision to run spurred from the decision to give everything in my life to Jesus once again. To give my day-to-day activities, the thoughts in my head, the feelings and urgings that I had, to Jesus. I was only capable of running and living a joyful life because of what God had already done for me and was doing for me right at that moment. FLASH FORWARD to a couple weeks ago: I decide to run 1000km in the year 2016. But there's one problem. I can barely run a mile without walking parts of it. I'm getting frustrated at the weather and blaming everything on the literal ice falling from the sky. I'm getting upset at myself and saying "I ran a half marathon a few months ago, why can't I make it one mile today?" I used to be capable. I have trained before. I can do it again. I need to just get out there and do it. I feel miserable. I can't do it. I I I I I I I I I I I I SO MANY I'S!

Then I went for another run. Last Thursday. I prayed before I went out. I reminded myself that the only reason I was able to run was because of the strength God had given me. I prayed during my run for energy to be pushed farther. I prayed for strength not to give up. God reminded me that I can only do these things because of the strength he gives me. I was so humbled last year and it had been so long since I ran that I forgot that I didn't do it on my own last time. I was not running on my own. I forgot that it was not my success but God's success through me. So on Thursday I ran 2.5 miles without stopping. And I took a cool-down lap and celebrated and praised.

Sometimes once we reach our victories we forget who should get the glory. God was there every step of the way through my training and my off-days. When I reached my victory, I praised Him. But the memory had faded. My mind replaced the victory with God to the victory with Kaylee and only Kaylee. I need those reminders that God deserves to be praised in every part of our lives. In the small victories and the large defeats. What a slap in the face it was to humbly be reminded that we are not supposed to drag God along with us in our work or leave Him behind entirely. He wants to go with us to push us and grow us and make us stronger.

What kind of victories are you trying to have on your own? What part of your life are you not allowing God to work through? What are you trying to take credit for that was not entirely you? Give it to God and be amazed by the work He can do with you. 

[kayhag44]

Season’s Greetings and Season’s Goodbyes

    If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the last couple months, it's that I THRIVE in the midst of seasons. Let me rephrase that. I THRIVE when I know a season will end. I feel pretty good about life when I know that, even though things are hard, the hard times don't last forever. When I was experiencing a particularly difficult class, I took heart in knowing that in a few weeks it would be ending no matter what. If I was having a difficult time waking up to go to work at a summer camp, I knew that my time there was limited and those mornings wouldn't last forever (for me this was a wonderful and a terrible thought). I didn't realize it at the time, but even though those times were hard, I had hope because I knew for a fact when those times would end. I knew every up had its down and every valley had a mountaintop.     This explains why this particular season of my life is so difficult. I have absolutely no idea when this season ends. And I know some of you are in the same boat as me. For the first time in your life, you may realize that you actually can't see the finish line in this race yet. This is something I've had to deal with and think about for a while now. Apparently, I do not handle life very well when I don't know when the difficulties will end. I thought after getting a job I would feel more at peace. But now I have one and it makes me think even harder about how long this difficult season will last. I keep setting goals for myself but every time I achieve one it doesn't really feel like a changing season because it's not as definitive as turning in a final paper, walking across a stage, or flying home. I have to continually remind myself of the reason for the seasons.     I can look back on every year of my life and see definitive change that I am both thankful for and nostalgic about. If you know me at all you know that I live for the past. I get caught up in remembering things that have already happened instead of getting excited about the things that are happening right now right in front of me. This means I'm really good at processing life events and phases but not so good at starting new ones. My life transitions are like transitions in a poorly written paper. They are choppy, uncomfortable, ineffective, and hard to move forward from. I tend to get stuck in previous phases and seasons, making my transitions long and awkward.     Some of this has to do with the way I go through seasons with people. I always saw seasonal people as terrible humans who couldn't stand the test of time. I imagined them as people who secretly hated me the whole time they knew me and couldn't wait for a transition to finally get away from me. I began to despise people in my past who were substantial in the formation of who I have become. This applied to youth leaders, friends, bosses, pastors, teammates, small group members, and many others. I wanted to hold on to what we used to have when in reality they were in my life for a season and that is OK and SO GOOD. Because I am now that youth leader, friend, boss, teammate, and small group member who is in other people's lives for a season and that is OK and SO GOOD.     I tend to latch on to those I lead and want to be with them through every aspect of life forever for the rest of my life. But then I realized with some of these people that they only needed me to teach them something for a season. Just because I am not physically there with them does not mean I stop caring for them or praying for the best for them. In fact, there are people I still think about who probably have forgotten I ever had the chance to impact them. It was this realization that gave me the strength to let go of the leaders I was holding a grudge against. Just because they aren't physically there for me doesn't mean they have stopped caring for me. They were formative people in my life for exactly the amount of time God intended them to be. Now would I like to sit down and get coffee with those who led me in the past and those who I have led in the past? ABSOFRICKINLUTELY. To thank them for the impact they had on my life for the time they were in it. Whether it was one week or 5 years. I am so thankful for seasonal people.     In the end, the only one who can make my seasons, life events, and transitions great is the One who orchestrates them. He has been faithful in the past to close doors that needed to be closed and open those that needed to be opened. He has placed people in my life for the situations that He knew would be difficult. He is the only one in the entire universe who has seen me through every single season in life. So even though sometimes the timeline gets a little hazy, the plot seems absolutely ridiculous (I mean, come on, I'm a preschool teacher), and the characters seem to come and go like a season finale of Game of Thrones (I've never actually seen it but it seems like an accurate analogy), we can take heart in knowing that the Great Author is writing a story larger than our own. These seasons, these chapters, these episodes, these phases, whatever you want to call them, are sometimes hard to get through one at a time. But I'm learning to have faith in the present because of the faithfulness I can see in my past. And I hope you will too.

[kayhag44]

Riding Shotgun

Planning is a strange concept. Mostly because it’s impossible to plan every last detail of anything and unexpected roadblocks pop up all the time. I’ve always considered myself to be a flexible person. By no means am I physically flexible (I can’t even touch my toes to save my life) but in the crazy situations life puts me in I find myself to be able to go with the flow. Sometimes.

This weekend, I spent some time visiting some friends in Idaho. I flew over with absolutely no plans and no idea what I would be doing that weekend. Sure it was only a little nerve-wracking but I knew I had plenty of friends in the area who would fill my time or let me crash on their couch if the unexpected happened. I realized throughout the weekend that I would hop in a friends car with no idea where I was going but trust that I was going somewhere good. I put my life in the hands of those around me and was totally ok with it. I knew that they had my best interests in mind. They knew better than I where we should eat and who we should see and how we should get there. I trust them because they are my friends.

On my flight back home on Monday night, I started writing out goals for myself for the rest of 2015 and beyond. Basically, I started planning. And I realized that I’m really good at letting my friends plan my adventures but really not very good at letting God drive the car in my life. 

Picture this: God’s sitting in the drivers seat. We’re in His hometown. Yet for some reason I think “No I’ve got a good plan for today so I should be driving.” So I walk over to the drivers side and try to pry the door open. Pleading with God and telling Him that I’ve got some great things planned and I would LOVE to take HIm along with me. Because I know He can help me get there. 

I would NEVER do this with a friend. It makes absolutely no sense. But for some reason I trust flawed human beings more than I trust the Creator of all things with my life. I have realized that maybe I don’t know God as well as I thought I did. Maybe I don’t trust Him because I don’t see Him as a friend. Someone with my best interests in mind. Someone who knows the territory. Someone who has plans that are infinitely better than mine that I’ve scrawled on an airplane napkin. I’m trying to pry my way into the drivers seat. But God’s just sitting there knowing He’ll take me someplace way better. 

Maybe once I actually get to know who God is, I’ll stop trying to pry open the drivers side door and just hop in the passenger side knowing the adventure He has planned for us far surpasses anything I could ever come up with. 

Maybe I’ve just gotta ride shotgun.

[kayhag44]

Broken Arrows Still Fly

This phrase has stuck with me. Not only is it a statement, but sometimes it is also a wish, a hope, a question. Broken arrows STILL fly. BROKEN arrows still fly? It's a crazy anomaly that I can't let go of. For those of you who don't know, I spent my summer teaching archery three times a day, five days a week, to about 75 kids a week. That's obviously not all I did but when you make it through a summer teaching young children how to shoot a dangerous weapon and no one gets shot, it becomes a large aspect of your job. I spent the first couple weeks of my summer trucking along, not thinking too much about how the lessons I was teaching could apply to me. But when you get into the zone, God has a way of snapping you out of it and turning the focus back to Him in every aspect. So it was in Raleigh, North Carolina that God smiled down on me and reminded me of my worth, my identity, and my capabilities. All through the inquiries of children. Let me tell you what I mean. Now when you work for a camp that moves in, sets up a camp in a day, and five days later tears it down and does it all over again for 10 weeks, your equipment starts to wear down eventually. I probably started the summer with about 50 or so perfectly usable arrows. A solid number for the amount of kids I would be teaching. Throughout the first couple of weeks, the number started diminishing as we shot near woods, buildings, and very, very, very, tall grass. It's amazing the damage children are capable of creating even when they're trying their very best to hit the target. It got to the point where some of the broken arrows got mixed up with the good arrows. I had learned that if an arrow is missing a feather or two, it's fine. If the tip of it is dented, it's fine. If it's hit the wall a couple times too many and it's a little bent, it's fine. However, for a child, apparently these are things that are very difficult to look past. They would see an arrow with only two feathers instead of three and basically start bawling claiming their arrow was broken and they immediately demanded another. One week, however, for some reason the kids weren't complaining right away about the quality of their arrows. They started asking questions instead. And they got me thinking about how broken arrows can still fly. And how we are all broken arrows. "Will it still work if that part is broken?" "YES!" I screamed as I was so excited to tell them that the quality of their arrow would not make it impossible for them to still hit the target. In that moment, it hit me. How many times have I asked God the same question? "Lord, I'm broken. Am I even still capable of doing anything good?" To which He smiles and looks down on me in love and screams out with joy "YES!" "Lord, I've been through a lot and lost a part of myself in the process. Can I still accomplish Your will?" "YES!" "Lord, there are many around me who are less broken who can do better and more efficient work for you. Are you sure you want me?" "YES!" I skipped around the archery range that day joyfully reassuring these kids that even though these arrows are broken, they can still fly. They can still make their mark. And then something amazing happened. A burst of joy came from the corner of the archery range. A camper runs up to me (there's no running on the archery range but I let this one slide this one time) They exclaim, "I HIT THE BULLSEYE EVEN THOUGH IT HAD A BROKEN FEATHER!" And boy did we celebrate. They had no idea we were kind of celebrating two different things. But were we? Something that didn't seem like it was capable of amazing things actually did something amazing. I am a broken human. I've messed up, made mistakes, gotten hurt, and hurt others in the process. But the thing is, God can still use me. He can still use us. It's not about me and my efforts. It's about how I can still show up, be willing to be used through brokenness, and allow God to do His amazing work through me. Even when we feel like we aren't good enough to make the mark set forth for us, God makes us capable. He sees our brokenness but it is overpowered by our willingness to be used. So bring yourself. Bring your broken, bent, and beat up self. God can still use you to make your mark. To hit the bullseye.

[kayhag44]

STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY PLANS

"So, what are you going to do after graduation?" If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked that, I could stay at home, never work, and live off of that income. My question is, when did our society get so caught up in what we will DO rather than who we will BE? I want to know what kind of person you will be when you graduate. I want to know how you want to make other people feel. I want to know about how you will find joy in life. I want to know what kind of person you want to be in 30 years. What you do will hopefully just be a side effect of that. As a person who's in the boat of "I have no idea how to answer that question," I find peace in knowing that it doesn't matter if I have a plan or not. My plan is to place my life, my career, my relationships, and my future in the hands of the One who will use it for His glory and His purposes. No, I don't have any idea what I will DO, but I do know who I will BE. I will be someone who wholeheartedly goes after the work God has set apart for me. Whether that's in a church, at home, at Starbucks, in an office, far away, or in the woods. It won't matter what I do as long as I know who I am and whose I am. So the question remains, who will you BE?

[kayhag44]

Where my haters at?

“Oh yeah I’m not worried about it at all.” I JUST SAID THAT! ABOUT RUNNING 13.1 MILES! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

All semester long I’ve been celebrating little victories like running a mile without stopping, running two miles without wheezing, running three miles and feeling the energy to keep going, all the way up to running 10 miles! Is this ridiculous or what?

For more than 10 years I struggled to find the strength to run. My mind has been riddled with thoughts of insufficiency, incapability, and overall embarrassment. I publicly made the decision to run a half marathon at the beginning

of this spring semester. At first, I was a little nervous to tell people. Mostly because telling people meant that I had to follow through and I hadn’t run more than a mile at a time probably ever in my life. But I also didn’t want people to think that me sharing my victories was me shoving my “success” in their face. I was worried that people would get sick of my updates

. I was worried people would not care. 

And boy did I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

The moment I made this decision to get in shape and train for something, I was met with nothing but encouragement. In fact, the flood gates of encouragement opened

. I had people shooting me texts, offering to run with me (that is until I reached mileage that was too high for most people to keep up with, sorry), stopping me on campus to tell me to keep up the good work, and even offering to run the race alongside me! I was overwhelmed to say the least. 

I used to run as a punishment. I used to run out of shame. I used to run so that I could let negative thoughts run their course. These last 3 months, I have been running for a purpose. I have been running, not as a punishment, but as a prize. This quite literal journey has taken my mind to places it’s never been before. I no longer look at myself and see unworthiness. I look at myself and see accomplishment. I CAN RUN. I let a couple bad experiences take away the joy I get from running. And that’s a shame.

The other night I was stopped by some friends on my way to the track. They told me how great I was looking. But it wasn’t the “slimming down” comment that kept me running around the track that night after that encounter. It was the “I’m so proud of you” and “You are inspiring me” talk that kept me going. It’s stuff like that that literally makes me raise my hands in praise and victory like an idiot as I make my final lap. 

To those of you who have been encouraging me, thank you

. You have helped me fill my mind with positive thoughts as opposed to negative self-talk. You have helped me see my potential. You have given me reason to keep going. To those of you who have run with me and are running the race with me, thank you for your very physical support.

Let’s keep up the good work. 

[kayhag44]

My voice is the soundtrack of my summer

[kayhag44]

This summer I am in charge of writing the nighttime campfires/devos for a girls horse camp. The theme of the camp as a whole is "Get Real". Something I've been extremely passionate about for quite some time now. So I got super excited when I found out I would be given the opportunity to share with the girls what it means to be real and authentic with one another. 

On one of the nights, the girls will be getting dressed up all fancy and having a great time looking their best. Later that same night they'll gather in their pajamas for a slumber party and I'll be speaking to them for a tiny bit about what that night means. Here's a little snippet of that conversation I wanted to share. Welcoming feedback! I'm so excited for this time with these girls! 

"So tonight we’ve gone from our best-dressed moment to our lowest and least amount of effort moment. We’ve dressed up super nice and put our best foot forward. But we’ve also been talking about how we need to not wear masks in front of each other. We talked about how we need to be real with each other and being real means not being someone that we aren’t. Here we are, wearing our pajamas, our end of the day clothes. The clothes we wear when we don’t care what people see us in. And we need to be real in this moment as well. I just want to encourage you all and let you know that it is ok to dress up. It’s ok to put your best foot forward. In fact there are definitely times when it is ok to do this. But if we are constantly putting our best foot forward and not letting people see the brokenness and sin that’s really inside of us, are we really being real with everyone? There are definitely times when we can dress up and look nice and have fun. But if we are so concerned about how people see us, we can never truly be real with them. So I want to encourage you to take time to look at how often you are worried about looking your best. If it’s too much, you might need to think about letting people in and see you as you really are. Not the extremely put together version of yourself. None of us are all put together. We are all broken. And we know that God will love us despite our brokenness. So we need to let others in and let others see who we really are. You’ll find a lot of brokenness in common with people you think are completely put together.

            So I just encourage you to not feel bad about dressing up or looking your best. It’s fun! And it’s ok! But if you never let people see the other side of you, the side that is desperately in need of Jesus, then you aren’t being real. So I just challenge you to be real with one another. You’ll be surprised how much you have in common with those around you."

[kayhag44]

It wasn't all bad, was it?

Anyone who's anyone can tell you that I did not have the greatest or the easiest school year this year. If you looked at social media for just a hot second this would be quite evident. Which led me to believe that the whole year was all bad and I wish I could erase the whole thing from my mind. But then I realized it couldn't have been as bad as I'm remembering it to be. There is no way I didn't have a single happy moment this year. So, now that class is over for the summer (or at least until my summer classes start in July), I've decided to reflect on the year and figure out what WAS good about it. And I surprised myself. So for those of you that care to know, here is some of the good that came out of this year. And if you're reading this it probably involves something about you.

I became RAR to 40+ girls this year. I'd even consider myself to be an RAR for some girls who weren't even in our hall. And all those girls, even the ones who were only around for a semester, impacted me in such a positive way. I wouldn't trade any moment with any of them for anything. They made my year.

I got hired on campus and had a small source of income that was much needed.

I met a wonderful woman, Kate, who became my mentor and friend. She challenged me, listened to my petty problems, made me laugh, and reminded me of what is meaningful in life. I honestly don't think I would have made it through this year in one piece without her mentorship.

Every late night in room 226 with my amazing roommate and wonderful RA Hannah was a hoot and a half. Muffin hour and random accents assured me that I was not alone in my insanity and for that I am extremely grateful.

I got hired to work at camp again! Praise Him! I'm looking forward to being head counselor at PCCC this summer and growing as a leader!

The endless 2nd East and all-Adams events were the right amount of craziness I needed throughout the year to keep me on my toes (Adams Games, Too Much Denim, hall dinners, etc.)

I still got to make music even though I left the music department and that helped me get through a lot of rough nights.

I had constant support from my parents all year long. Knowing that they were up in Washington having my back and knew how hard I was working made me feel validated. I couldn't have gotten through the year without them.

Camping with 3 of my closest friends over Easter weekend and getting an apartment to live in together next year. The happiest I ever was all spring semester was sitting around the campfire with my wombmates.

Spending spring break with my non-biological sister Katie at her house with her lovely family. That was the trip of a lifetime I will never forget. 

Lunch dates throughout the year with different people, having conversations about anything and everything because we're college students and we like to discuss life (especially Tuesdays with Emily and Mondays/Fridays with Katie)

This year I had tough conversations with some friends about life. I can never thank them enough for their understanding ways and their constant support through my brokenness.

Ministry retreat (Huzzah)

The Youth Specialties conference in San Diego even though we were all exhausted and broke by the end.

Seahawks won the Superbowl!

Nights in LA at comedy clubs for some MUCH needed laughter

MULTIPLE new friendships (and growth of old ones)

My final night on campus remembering why I have the friends I do and what college is all about.

I PASSED ALL MY CLASSES! What more could you ask for? Everything paid off in the end and this is what makes this semester great.

While I will still say "good riddance" to junior year of college, it wasn't all bad. I won't forget these and many more memories. But, boy, am I looking forward to a spectacular senior year!

[kayhag44]

Sometimes I look at the things I do, the clothes I wear, the friends I choose, the videos I make, the music I listen to, the things I say, the things I read, the movies I like to watch, and the food I like to eat and begin to get embarrassed. 

Then I remember something. 

That's who I am. I have no reason to become embarrassed because if someone doesn't accept me for these things then I don't have to change to make them like me. I won't change. I like my fanny packs, flannels, Disney movies, Veggie Tales songs, lip sync videos, cheeseburgers, weird sense of humor, and ridiculous friends.

I don't think I have to be ashamed of any of it. 

[kayhag44]

How Social Media Ruined My Life

First, I'd like to address the irony of posting something like this on multiple social media sites. 

Yes. It's ironic. I get it.

This past week I went on a social media cleanse and the amount of things I learned about myself and others grew substantially over that time. That meant no Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Buzzfeed and (the hardest part) Netflix. All of these things get in the way of real life and facing real life struggles head on. It was my way of avoiding things going on around me. If I didn't like the way my life was going, I could go on Netflix and watch a movie that shows a life that seems to be a hundred times better than mine. I could go on Facebook and look back at all the things I did in the past that I was proud of or a funny post that got over 100 likes.

I was not living in the here and now.

So that's when I knew it was time to stop for a while before my eyes wandered too far and I got too sucked into this black hole of social media. And it was really easy at first. It was surprising. I got so much homework done. I actually studied for quizzes. I checked things off my to-do list that had been there for weeks. And I initially only told one other person I would be doing it. So everyone that I told throughout the week had varying reactions. However, the most common reaction was disgust. DISGUST! "Aw man! Now who's tweets am I going to read in my three-hour lecture??" "You didn't get the message I sent you? I sent it like three days ago!" "I posted something funny today! Did you see it? You're not on Facebook? Ugh waste of a post!" That was real. Very few people were happy for me or proud of me. 

Am I not anything more than witty tweets and comedic Facebook posts? Is that it?

It was a difficult week. I didn't take much time to do nothing because I maximized all my time doing homework and other things. It was hard to not have endless hours of Facebook stalking and Netflix watching. 

But then the week ended.

I had finished everything I needed to do for the week and rewarded myself by breaking the fast. AND I HATED IT.

So much time was wasted right from the get-go. I saw posts of people getting together and was reminded I wasn't invited. I saw pictures of people at home and was reminded I'm not there. I watched movies containing impossible situations that would never happen in real life. None of it was real. None of it was real life situations or real life experiences.

A week away was the best experience. For one whole week I wasn't worried about whether or not my posts were getting likes, retweets, favorites, or comments. I didn't care what people saw of me online. I cared about what people saw of me in real life. And that's what matters, isn't it? We aren't fictional people. We are real people living real lives. Not online profiles and fake stories. 

Social media has ruined my life and my only hope is that it doesn't do the same to you. Step away. Read a book. Hang out with your real friends. Go outside. Go for a hike. Experience real life. It has the best graphics anyways.

[kayhag44]

Peace

Finally when everything starts going wrong, that's when things start going right. I've recently been able to be at peace with the decisions that have been made for me the past few months. 

In the past few months I've been told I can't be an RA, I can't be in Bel Canto, I can't be in Chamber Singers, I can't work more than 7 hours a week and so on and so forth. Left and right, opportunities I thought were my calling in life were stripped away from me and given to someone else. The sting of rejection stuck around for a while. But it wasn't until these last few days that I realized why I was not given those things and why other opportunities arose that I wasn't planning on.

When the dream of being a freshman RA was torn apart, I didn't think there was anywhere else to go. Everyone was confused and that didn't help my confidence. Hearing everyone (and I mean everyone) tell me they made a mistake in not picking me and telling me I would have been perfect for the job did not clear my conscience in any way. In fact it had the opposite effect. Making me think I must have done something horribly wrong to not get the position it seemed I was destined to have. Then I found out I couldn't be in choir anymore because of my class schedule and time commitment. Then I was told I couldn't work more than 7 hours a week because my schedule was too packed. Then I was told I wasn't selected for a callback for Chamber Singers. No no no no no.

Luckily for me there was something else and I'm no longer confused about these decisions. I was created by God to be a freshman RAR. I know it sounds dumb and cheesy and maybe even just weird but, real talk, my schedule is not as hectic as it could be so I can spend time in my hall, stay up late talking to these crazy kids, and support them any way I can. The other night, one of the wonderful residents that live on my hall told me (after finding out I had applied to be an RA) that she was so glad I didn't get RA because then I wouldn't be able to be their RAR and hang out with them and get to know them. It was then that it hit me. I'm where I need to be. It's not the easiest. I get carried away talking to these wonderful young ladies and spend too much time not doing homework but this is what I'm made for. I can't help it if I'm a relational being. 

And having a roommate that allows me to be that way and wants me to be involved in the hall is the most helpful. I will forever be grateful for the day Hannah asked me to be her RAR. Hannah has been the best RA this hall has ever seen and is still growing even more. There's no stopping 2nd East. They have been blessed with a wonderful leader who cares for them and wants them to be the person God made them to be. That much I know.

So for everyone that kept telling me someone must have made a mistake, there's no mistake. This is it. This is the peace after the storm. This is home.

[kayhag44]

Questions and Ponderings

You know those days when you just have so much on your mind you have to get it out? That’s right now. Am I a pushover? I know I’m a nice person but do I make it too easy? Do I ever do anything that I want to do? Do I ever turn anyone down? Is it ok to do so? Is it pushy to ask someone to do something when they’ve obviously forgotten you’ve already asked? Why am I such a people-pleaser? Why does this seem to be such a big fault right now? Why aren’t I motivated to change things that bother me? Why can’t I live in the present instead of looking towards the future or reminiscing about the past? Why can’t I just tell people how I feel? Why doesn’t anyone listen? Where am I going? Why isn’t my life as figured out as others? Why am I so uncertain about everything? Why do I always assume everyone hates me? Is it because I hate me? Why can’t I let go of the past mistakes I’ve made?  Why haven’t I grown from them? How can I change? Am I ready for this year? Will things be taken care of? Will my friends stick around? Will I be a good friend? What if I get what I want and am disappointed? Why do I get so offended by things people say to me? Why is it so hard to ask for help? Why do I secretly care so much about what people think? Am I going the right way? Did I choose my career path out of selfish desires or God’s will? Am I trying to use it as a second chance? Why do I strive for people’s approval of me? Why do I hate it when people tell me how “awesome” I am? Why don’t I accept compliments? What if I’ll never be good enough for someone? How do I tell the difference between my weird ideas and God’s genuine plan for my life? How come I keep getting taken care of by people? Why are some people so hard to love? Why do I feel guilty when I think about all my missed opportunities? Why do I keep comparing myself on every level? Why can’t I stop these things I want to stop? Why can’t I start these things I want to start? Will I reach my potential? When will I? How do I stop believing all these lies I tell myself? Who will still be there at my worst? When will someone turn to me at their worst? Why can’t I accept these people for who they are? Why am I so scared all the time? Why don’t people see me the way I see me? Why can’t I just be joyful all the time? Why does society suck so much? Who decided things would be this way? What is my purpose? What am I here to do? Am I living life to the fullest? Why am I so hypocritical? Why can’t I take my own advice? Will I keep up with the pace of life? Will it all get away from me? When will I know I’ve done a good job? Why do I enjoy being with people all the time but want to be alone the same amount? Why does my sarcasm never end? When will I be able to give out real compliments? Why is writing things out so much easier? Why don’t people speak up more about who they appreciate? When will I be able to do so myself? Why, why, why, why, why?

  When will these questions be answered?

[kayhag44]

My life.

Me: Mom, what's for dinner?

Mom: Oh you're home? I didn't even know you were here!

Grandma: Her voice was so low I thought she was one of the boys.

[kayhag44]

I was a humble person. Then I made this video. And I'm obsessed with myself. #sorrynotsorry