katiemulvihillxo-blog

[katiemulvihillxo-blog]

12 June 2017

My luck ever going to change? This morning, me and Jord walked to the doctors and jords medication is getting brought down when he comes home, yay!!! Came back and we cuddled, lying there I knew saying goodbye won’t be easy. We lie there and I feel him trying to rub my belly and even though I hate when he does it, I love that he loves what I hate! He can accept me when I can’t even accept myself! He is so lovely and I love him so much. Anyway, went for my driving lesson today, I have gotten so much better, I’m so worried though when I start driving alone that something bass going to happen!! ;Right got back and got ready, put jords clothes in the wash and headed to town. Thought I'd give him a wee blowjob as a going away present but I can't even do that anymore. I used to be good, like really good? Now I can't even make him cum without him having to wank a bit. What's wrong with me? Apart from that Lovely wee walk, just chatting shite to him. Right I’ll continue this later because ed sheeran - kiss me is on tele and I know I’m going to start crying again. Got myself together now, I’ll crack on. So in town, got Jord shorts and stuff for his laundry then headed back. Got to jords and tension with Jord started to build. But let’s face it, it was inevitable. So I’ve being dying for a date night for months, like ever since we’ve started dating, we’ve never really had a date since our first date so I’ve being mad for us just to do something. Something other then sitting in a pub somewhere watching Jord look on Facebook or reply to some group chat. Firstly, was meant to go to the zoo, that got cancelled because of jords work meeting, which I completely understand! After that we were meant to go bowling and Martha’s but that got cancelled because he had to go to a funeral that he didn’t even want to go to but only went for a McDonald’s breakfast, don’t understand that excuse but I’d of accepted it if he had rearranged the date night. Anyway, we were then meant to go odyssey and do the whole bowling thing there, well that got sacked for Hatfield, obviously. And today was out final chance for a date before he went away. Well every other girlfriend got a date day before their boyfriends headed out? Gemma went beach and bowling and shit, aoife went for a meal, Jodie went for a meal and day out etc, but in between all the last min rushing around I was hoping to have a bit of time with my boyfriend so wanted to go parlour for lunch. Got to parlour and all he did was sit on his phone and text into his group chat, only conversation I think he made was how he didn’t like Long Island iced tea cocktail (because that’s what I was drinking) and how he was sweaty when he took off his jacket. I didn’t care at the time because I thought “well there’s still time”, but I hadn’t even finished my last slice of pizza and he’d invited Aaron. Like I really wouldn’t of minded if it was a wee bit later but seriously? Even the time we had together between Aaron walking to parlour weren’t together because he spent the whole time on the phone to his ma and Granney, which I don’t mind, but how was I meant to know that would literally be the last proper moment we would have together (other then when it all kicked off). Aaron arrived, it was grand, the three of us just chatted, it was alright actually, even though it was meant to be our time I didn’t really care once I was one pitcher down. Got half way down the second pitcher and the boys found out the rest of the boys were drinking at the crown. Both of them had finished their drink and obviously, Aaron probably feeling like a third wheel wanted to join the others, fair enough, but so did Jord. It was soo predictable, this so called date would be rushed so he could get out and meet them boys. To be fair, I didn’t really care, if he’d just let me finish my pitcher and go back, have a cuddle and a kiss and say our goodbyes but nope, weren’t gonna happen. Obviously he couldn’t wait for me to finish my pitcher so he goes “I’m away to the toilet”. 5 mins go. Thought he was away for a shite. 10 mins go. Thought he was getting a Guinness. 15 mins go. Snapchat him, see where he’s away too. 20 mins later. I got a snapchat of Jord away. Fucking stood up and abandoned??

Id been fucking stood up. Can’t fucking believe it, boyfriend of over 18 months stood me up to go and sit in a piss smelling pub with 11 other boys talking the same shite they always do: football, college and birds. Like I couldn’t believe at first, thought he might be away getting me a surprise or something so walked back to mine.

Walked into my room and there he was, standing, packing a suitcase. What was he hoping for? That the washing was dry so he could pack his bag and leave with me still sitting at parlour? When I confronted him about it, he had the audacity to say it was because “I’d been so negative about his holiday”. Right, if he had any clue, he knows I’m the complete opposite. Yes I’ve been nagging him about making sure he eats enough because I don’t want him ruining his holiday like his night at Hatfield. Yes, I’ve been nagging about not spending much because I know he ain’t got the money for rent and all so don’t want him wasting his hard earnt money on a few pints which last a few mins when he wants to buy an Xbox which he’d prefer next year. Yes I’ve been nagging about brothels and strip clubs but let’s face it, most boys holidays always end up on strip clubs or something, I know he wouldn’t want me in it the other way around, and plus them places are so dodgey in them countries, something will end up bad. Yes I’ve been nagging about how he weren’t ready, well what was I meant to say “oh yeah go ape!”, yeah right, a few weeks ago he was breaking down regularly, and only a few nights ago he was crying about how I could do better and everyone would be better off without him. So yes obviously I’m concerned, can’t see how people aren’t seeing the same thing I’m seeing? Yes, there’s a tonne of other things I nagged about but me nagging him weren’t for my benefit, I hate nagging him, I just wanted to make sure we had some holiday boundaries and he knew what he can and can’t do. I asked him ages ago if we could have a talk about it and he said no so obviously if we had that I would’ve got it all off my chest and wouldn’t be repeating myself.

Also, he started going on about how I’ve been so negative about this holiday that he doesn’t want to go any more? He must’ve been daydreaming a lot recently because all I’ve done is so good things for this holiday. I started looking for his holiday shorts before he did. I offered to get them for him a month before he even seen them in the shop! Offered to do his laundry. Offered to go to the post office to sort out his card. Got travel adapters. Awk just other things too but can’t be bothered to list them. He started talking then about my happiness or something, not gonna quote exactly cos I can’t even remember, all I remember was screaming at him and how this has been a hard year for me too, crying myself in my sleep, in the shower, just always feeling alone, how I can’t even make the man I love happy and more. I stormed out and sat in the kitchen, thank god I left my inhaler out there, because got myself in a wee asthma attack.

Got myself together and went back into the room, he’s lying there on his God damn phone still texting them boys. I didn’t want him to leave on bad terms, if anything bad happened I wouldn’t be able to live with myself even if I done nothing wrong. Came into bed and explained myself. He didn’t really want to admit that I was in the right but I knew I was. I explained how the holiday would be good for him and he started saying how I thought he weren’t ready.

Anyway, somewhere between Jord trying to realise I was in the right and him checking on his fucking washing every two minutes (yes, even when I was in tears he was dying to leave me for pinting), I just broke down and cried. I tried explaining how everything I do, I do to help people. All I tried to do was help him with this holiday and he took it for granted and threw it in my face, just like everyone else lately.

Niamh had the cheek to fucking complain about jeans in soak lying in the sink and how I don’t respect her. There’s more then 1 fucking sink in this flat?! Don’t use that as an excuse to be an unhygienic bitch and not brush your teeth. She’s so quick to forget every thing good I’ve done, I washed and folded her clothes the other day, and the state of her knickers, I did not want to be touching them, and especially her Granney bra etc, I cleaned out the kitchen and everything, actually I’m not even going to start on Niamh because she’s just an ungrateful cow sometimes.

Lauren too, was meant to be going for drinks tonight because I haven’t seen her in so long and I want to keep her in the loop. Cut a long story short, she bailed on me to “cook her family dinner” and have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Anyway, ends up everyone’s snapchats covered in her house with a load of her mates sitting chilling.

Liam, Dylan and Steve, always tried to help them, cleaned there house for them to mess it up the next day, if they wanted anything I would give it to them, spent soo much money on cleaning supplies for that house, awk and just being there trying to chat to them when everyone else locked themselves in their rooms and now they don’t even give me the time of day.

There’s so much more but this ain’t a bitching journal

I just feel so alone sometimes. I’ve made such an effort to get to know people and try to make friends and no body takes me on. Just wanted someone so I weren’t so reliant on Jord and gave him some space, don’t like suffocating him. Anyway no matter how much I try, everyone pies me. Is it me? Like I know I’m shite to be around lately but there must be someone to give me the time of day? Thought it might be cos I’m English at the start but there’s customers in the shop who’s English and they have people?

It’s so shit because I just don’t know where I belong now? I like being here but I feel so alone and then when I escape to London I feel even more alone, between everywhere I don’t know where I belong other then the pub rn.

I’m not even going to bother talking about that Shite anyway because it’ll just get me started again.

Back to it anyway I was lying there crying and bless poor Jord he didn’t know what to do. Don’t think he realised anything was wrong really. He kept saying how I don’t need anyone because I have him. Well this week shows I do need someone because he ain’t always going to be here for me is he?

Problem is everyone over here just sticks to their school mates, no one likes change so where I have no one from school here, I’m just alone.

I can’t tell him everything either because sometimes there’s things like he just won’t understand from my perspective so I sometimes just need to chat to someone else to calm me down and talk sense into me.

Anyway I cried and cried on jords chest, I felt awful because it’s the worst timing to burst out with all this after its been building up for so long. Like last time I burst out with this was that time I had the pregnancy scare and I screamed in front of Gemma and Dylan and all how I would’ve actually loved to of been pregnant just so I would feel less alone, everyone washed it off because they probably thought I was drunk but I wasn’t even, just emotional and let things boil up. Same happened today I guess, just everything getting on top of me. Like I don’t want him to go on holiday and have to worry about me so I just feel so bad for this all to happen with this wee crying fit and that it’s going to be an awkward 10 days if he remembers me as that wreck. This morning I done my hair and make up and tan so he would remember me as half decent looking before he went, now he’s gonna remember me as some slob who can’t stop crying oh god.

Granted, I give Jord brownie points for calming me down, but all he really did was give me a kiss and a cuddle and my fag (and nicked my fag ffs). But still, he was still packing his suitcase when I hadn’t finished my wee fit, like I understand his friends were waiting on him but it was only for pints? Surely that could’ve waited until I had at least stopped crying? Like half the boys weren’t even off the 212 at that stage, there was time like, even that his flight didn’t leave for another 16 hours, plenty of time? I’m not blaming him cos I know he’s just excited for his holiday but it’s not the first time he’s left me to go somewhere for a couple of days while I’m alone crying, not even the second. That’s why I need someone else other then Jord to make me feel less alone and for me to go cry to too so it’s not left on him.

Anyway said our goodbyes and off he went, this was about half 8 ish. It weren’t until just after he left I literally realised again that he stood me up to go pinting with his friends and I really shouldn’t be crying over him if he could do that to me. But knowing me, once I start, I won’t stop crying once I’ve said something, it’s like opening the floodgates and it’s just going to keep coming till it’s all out and then I’ll be grand again. I didn’t help myself with the tele I was watching, every show had to have some kind of romantic scene with some kind of soppy music that would set me off again.

This diary so looking so bleak lately no wonder I had a mini breakdown, need something to perk me up ffs.