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Just an ordinary story

I am currently going through a divorce and wanted to process my negative emotions through writing. To be honest this has always been my passion and I just could never find right time or reason to start doing it. So I thought that now was the perfect time to start. This story is still in progress, there is a lot of work to be done, but I want to share it somewhere, because I feel that this might be helpful for someone out there. Please don't judge it too harsh, firstly, English is not my mother tongue and, secondly, I have only started writing:)

I hope you will have some important insights after reading it, this is a long read, so please be prepared and grab some tea or coffee:)

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You know there is this dumb saying that «what will be, will be». I guess that is right, and I am not even a big fan or an expert in physics but there is a theory of a multiverse, that there are a lot of versions (webs) of our current reality (have you heard of it?) – and all these versions somehow manage to exist all simultaneously at this exact period of time depending on each choice you take throughout a day. Sounds mind blowing, isn’t it? I don’t quite get this idea either but it makes me think of this interesting fact: there is probably a universe where I have never started writing any stories, there is probably a one where I have never divorced my ex-husband, and there is sure the one where I have never been married. And there is supposedly the one where I kept on going with my unhappy marriage. No matter if this theory is true or not, these different paths leading to my future do exist and I am actually the one who decides which one to take.

The reason why many people can’t make this crucial decision that would determine their future is that there is this vast majority of the multiply choices – unfortunately, we cannot travel through different universes and see what our possible choices would bring us, what would be the consequences of our actions. However, maybe that is not what we even are afraid of? Maybe that is not about fear of making mistakes, maybe this is all about our low self-esteem? Maybe it has something to do with our childhood traumas? In my humble opinion (in the end these are just my random thoughts, so I think I can allow myself to express all these ideas here) the truth is somewhere in between: we do fear to make those mistakes (especially the ones which we believe would be fatal for our future) but the answers why we are so afraid and uncertain lie somewhere in our past, they might even be hidden deeply in our childhood or in some other troubled period of our lifetime. I can tell you one thing for sure – there are very few things in life that could be explained with a couple of words, others are often determined by many complex factors.

Sorry for this long preview, I understand that these ideas are not related to one another and that is why my thoughts are so hard to follow but without this background, we would not be able to get to the following statements. And I am not a famous author yet so please be patient, I am also looking forward to hearing this story.

 As you might have already guessed, I want to tell you my story. This is not a fascinating story of a fast and motivating success and prosperity. If you came here to hear another success story, I am sorry to disappoint you, my unfortunate reader.

This tale is more about a personal growth, changing of the mindset by amending small things in your daily routine and by taking small steps towards your goals every day. There is also going to be a part in this story about my past, my inner scars that shaped me, that helped me realize many insights about myself, and we will get to this point a bit later.

How about to get to the point where this all started? Yeah, you got this right – as all therapists say after all these expensive sessions all problems start from our childhood. And I believe they are not wrong. Mine start from there for sure.

When I think of my childhood or teen years – I cannot remember every little detail, my memories are pretty unclear. This might be because I spent so many years of my childhood and teen years trying to achieve some great results, getting towards all these unrealistic and unreachable goals of becoming the best of the best student, getting the best scores in the grade. We all are driven by the high standards of the capitalistic society where the competition is so high that you need to put all knowledge of the world, all best practices into the minds of young generation from the earliest age. I cannot tell you that my mom (I was raised by the only one parent) was so powerful and fierce and she would make me study all the time. This was nothing like that, or to be more precise – it was not exactly like that. I believe I was rather motivated by the example of my mother: she has always been so wise, powerful (in a good kind of way), kind, reliable, she made this kind of impression of a strong and independent woman who is fearless, not afraid of anything (or so it seemed to me as I was a child). I think I was trying to reach out to her level or even to get higher. As you are a small child, especially a girl, especially in a patriarchic country as in which I was born, there are not as many ways to achieve your goals. Mine recipe was easy: try harder and you will eventually get to the expected results. Unfortunately, life is not that simple and fair. I was too small and I did not think of these complex concepts at that moment of my life – I got to them a bit later. My mother was pretty occupied with her own challenges, working duties and could not explain those complicated things to me. Actually I am not quite sure that she understood them at that time, not sure if she understands them now, not sure that I would be able to understand them then. So, maybe it was better to get these concepts on my own, «what will be, will be», remember? My obsession with studying and constant self-improvement comes somewhere from that period.  You might be wondering why this even bothers me, why am I digging that far to the past?

Let me try to explain it to you: these small details about my past played a huge role in my personality development. This attitude towards the results of my work or studying is actually the key factor that pushes me through different challenges in my life. I can understand now that my mindset has constantly been evolving, changing, adapting. I am not the same person I used to be and that is totally fine. To be more precise almost no one stays with the same set of beliefs till their death and yet we change our mindset with different speed, some of us may take more time to get some concepts than others. Although the reality is that the majority of people change their personalities after some time. And here lies the most troublesome issue with interpersonal relationships: we meet one person, get accustomed to their views upon this world, we find some things with them in common, get closer, start to let this person get closer to us as well. Then they change, and we change, and you can either accept these changes and continue your journey with them or let them go and go further in different ways. You might also get to the point when you realize that the person you fell in love with and dreamed to raise kids with, get older together is not the same person anymore. Your partner might have changed or in reality they might have never existed – you just idealized them and gave them the priority right to rule over your own happiness, future plans, body image, or, in another words, you gave them the control over your own life.

If we start looking from this angle onto this problem, it is not even our partner’s fault, isn’t it? These are our unrealistic expectations which were not met, our rights which we have given away. In the end no matter how hard we try we cannot get inside the head of another human being and therefore we will never be able to fully understand another person, which is totally fine: we have different upbringing, status, families, values – all these subtleties make us so diverse and vivid and this is awesome! I think the problem is not about miscommunication between people but about our not realistic expectations towards others. I mean that there is no point in trying to build your self-confidence, self-love by placing this task onto other person. They are not able to fulfill your inner emptiness – only you yourself are capable of doing it. This is as simple as that and yet we fail to get it and we all make this same mistake of putting this mission on other people and after they fail to do that or leave, we feel completely broken and lost. We begin to trust our partners or friends unconditionally, we open our hearts and souls completely as we get close enough to them, and if they betray us or leave, we feel down in the dumps completely. Can we even change that? If yes, how? It is easy – just take control over your life back to your hands, don’t look for this acceptance and validation in others, try to find it in a different place – inside yourself. There is the only way for you to obtain all this support, love and power you are looking for in others. This true power inside you will prevent your ship from sinking even during the strongest storms. We hear this popular saying from everywhere that we need to love ourselves first, and that only in this case others will love us in return. I have always thought of it as of a strange idea: how is it even related, what do my feelings and perceptions about myself have to do with other people’s feelings? Well, I get it now – it is about inner emptiness, being unsecure and feeling helpless and unable to make your own choices and mistakes. People do feel your lack of confidence and at the same time if your self-confidence is low, you will be afraid to make risk moves and you will choose wrong people. This is what happened to me, and could happen to anyone. And what to do with trust? Should we be as an open book to other people (even for those who we barely know)? Yes and no. I believe it is better to start your relationship (romantic or friendly) from conditional trust – it means that you don’t trust a person by default until they prove to be trustworthy. You can start opening your mind and soul to them as slowly as that, in this case even if they betray you, you won’t be so hurt and you will definitely be more prepared. Have you noticed that it is absolutely an opposite point of view to the most common ones (such as all best relationships start from 100% trust and openness and etc.)? That is a great observation but remember: common, popular, wide spread isn’t equal to ‘’right’’. And even if the majority of human population thinks the Earth is flat, our planet will not stop being round, right?

I think there is also another topic we should cover here: sometimes even your closest ones betray you, lie to you and so on, so you might be wondering, how to trust other people in this case? Well, it is not a simple matter to discuss. To be honest with you I faced such situation myself and this was true hell of an experience, which I would not recommend anyone to go through. However, did it make me a reserved, self-centered, doubtful and cynical person? No, not at all. Why? Because I didn’t let this sad fact of my past affect my whole future life choices, I accepted the reality, I learned from my past experience and I let it behind, I moved on. I even managed to forgive my ex-husband who brought me to the deep hole of sadness and depression. I just realized that every memory, every experience we are facing throughout our lives builds up our character, by that we get to know what is the best for us and learn to refuse to take any less than that. Moreover, even though my ex hurt me so much I really needed to forgive him - just to be able to start a new life, to let it go – to let him go. Rage, remorse, some undiscussed issues hang over our heads and hold us behind, they stopped us from growing. That is why you need to forgive, to thank a person, wish them all the best and let them go. It is not easy, but that facilitates your own healing and I think that is the healthiest way to put the relationship to an end.  Though I do understand that this approach is not a universal one and you can’t apply it to every situation. Though since this story is more about my experience, my thoughts, I am going to tell you how I see it from my point of view.

There were a bunch of traumatic events in my past which also determined my current mindset and dictated the choices I made. As you have already read previously my mom raised me by herself. It was not her choice actually – my father died of tuberculosis when I was only 6. Of course, that hit my mother pretty hard and she had to pull our whole family all by herself, I cannot even imagine how unbearable this was for her. And yet my mother told me that their relationship with my father was not the bed of roses before his death either. She was left alone to solve problems on her own lots of times since my father was a heavy drinker. Sure, there were times when he was sober and during these rare moments he was the best husband and the father but there were also periods when he was drinking a lot and couldn’t give my mother any support at all (actually he was the one who needed support most of times). So their marriage somehow sustained at this stage for quite a long period of time – about 10 years, they had their ups and downs so to say, but they could manage these situations. Until my mother got fed up with it – it happened just a few months prior to my father’s death. She just wanted to live happily, without all this constant worries and fights. She had a young daughter to raise, a business to be in charge of, elder parents to take care of – she just could not afford to spend that many efforts on another person in vain. I totally understand that now, it was absolutely right decision to take and I would do exactly the same if I were in her shoes. She filed for the divorce, they moved apart and started living separately (I do not remember that period of time, I am retelling you this story after my mom).

Sookmewhere during this period my dad caught this illness. We don’t know for sure where, when or how it happened, we found out about it simply too late. He was heavy drinking after finding out about the divorce, met friends who shared the same interests with him, and so it happened. This illness was strengthening inside him, grew bigger each day and by the moment he finally got to the hospital, it came to the incurable, fatal stage. Also the level of medicine was really poor at that moment, this also played some role in the outcome.

My mother felt miserable, helpless and guilty that this happened only a couple of months after she had filed for the divorce. She started to feel the pain of losing her soul mate, true love and actually, she then never married again. She kept telling me that ‘’you start realizing how you love someone only if you lose them”. Sad story, yeah? Sure, my family had nothing to do with ‘’true love’’ definition, actually this was a pretty twisted version of loving family. I believe my mom just wanted to make me feel that my father was a caring, loving and kind person, she thought that in this case I would have such a loving father figure in my mind, which I can then use afterwards for building my own love story. Apparently, this does not really work that way – actions speak louder than words. The truth is that my mom was the one person who provided for our family, no matter if she was married or not. Moreover, this is the only thing, which matters, right? Even if my father was alive at this moment, I really doubt that he would be a great help for my mom. All these stories about love and understanding are just words, my father just was not fit for my mother and she figured this out simply too late. What does this story have to do with me? You will get it a bit later, be patient.

So this is how fighting for your ‘’true love’’ became my true motive in my adult life. I thought this was supposed to be this way: you find your soul mate, you build your family together and almost nothing can tear you two apart – because you are soul mates, this was meant somewhere above to be this way. It used to be my life motto though I had not even understood that, I thought that everyone had the same mindset, I was not asking myself any questions, I had no doubts. And there was something really not right about this way of thinking, I think because of these beliefs of mine I totally missed a point where we stopped making sense together, my husband and I, and though I kept trying to fix everything.

This lack of critical thinking in the earlier years of mine definitely have something to do with my religious upbringing. As you might probably know, god loves the ones who suffers greatly, the ones who are faithful towards their beloved ones (regardless of their behavior and actions) and the ones who fights and prays for their husbands or wives till the very end and for sure never thinks of leaving them. This sounds pretty sick, isn’t it? I understand it clear now, being mature and able to analyze facts but when I was younger, I used to be a true believer. I kept thinking that God sees everything and wouldn’t let me meet the wrong guy, that he would lead me towards the right path. Therefore, when I met my first husband and we started dating I thought that he was the one, my soul mate, my ideal match. And the problem with this ‘’soul mate’’ mentality is that by thinking this way we don’t let us make a mistake, we idealize our partner, and even if they fail in our relationship really badly, we keep seeking a solution anyway, we try to save this relationship even though sometimes you’d better be over..

The shift from me being an over religious person towards a complete atheist was not fast but persistent.  To be honest my ex-husband affected this process greatly (he was atheist from the beginning of our relationship). Moreover, I am kind of grateful him for that, this was important for me to let go of this mindset, create my own beliefs and act accordingly. I had other tough periods in my life where no god helped me or saved me, actually I have always been my own savior. I think that we all need to keep this one thing in mind: we are our one and true savior, in the end you are the only one who will not leave regardless of the circumstances. You are the one who can provide true support for yourself since no one knows you better, no one knows what is the best for you except yourself. Once I understood that (I mean I really got this idea and implemented it to my experience), I started to admire the solitude. I really enjoy spending time with myself, finding new places to visit, trying new delicious food, starting new sport activities, all these things which I was afraid or too busy to try before. I had the mentality of a person with really low self-esteem, I had always been a great support towards my family and friends, I had helped them whenever they had asked me but I couldn’t do the same thing for myself, I used to think that this was not necessary, that I needed to help others first.

When I say helping and supporting others, you start thinking of these traits as of something positive and great. Though the truth is that before helping others, you need to take care of yourself first. During the flight on the plane, you are being told that in case of the plane crash, you need to put an oxygen mask on yourself first and only then on your child. The same thing is in the communication with others: you can’t provide any kind of support towards others if you don’t have enough resource to do so (for instance, you might be experiencing your own personal trauma or just going through tough times).

Why is it always better to care about yourself first? This is because only in this case you will be effective, you will be able to help at least one person, and this person is you (and you should always be the first number among your top priorities in life, to be the most important person in your life). As soon as you get better, you sure can start providing for others as well, but only after your own recovery. It is important to keep this always in mind. This is not only about supporting others verbally or emotionally, this is also about spending your time on others, clearing your timetable for them. If you feel that you need to stay for some time home alone and think some things through, it is very important to do so, just listen to your feelings, don’t ignore your inner voice. Kind reminder: only you know what is the best for you in this right moment of your life.

I was talking about the power of letting go and embracing your loneliness a bit earlier, so I would also like to touch another important topic in this chapter – the power of your social connections with other people.

I can bet I would not be able to go through my entire divorce journey without all the support I got from my family and friends, I absolutely need to mention that. It is really important to stay open towards this support from others even if you are going through the toughest periods of your life. This openness of your mind is the key thing that will help you to get out of the situation that you got stuck in.  Yes, I mentioned before that my solitude really helped me to understand a lot of important things and to rethink some ideas about myself and about life in general. However, I was not alone 100% of the time while I was processing all these things. I did spend some time on my own, when it was necessary, but I did not stay out of social interactions.

In fact, after my divorce I had that many social connections with new and familiar people that I had never had before. I started seeing family and friends more often, meeting new people, making online friends. This gave me so much inner resource you cannot even imagine. Of course, I do not want to tell you here that if you going through a traumatic experience, you need to go and see as many friends as you can in order not to process any sad feelings, just trying to escape them by seeing friends and family. I do not think that in every difficult life situation your first reaction should be to go and look for a shoulder to cry on. Of course not, it is not really great to do so also because you need to understand that your close ones are not perfect: even though friends should help and support each other during tough times but sometimes they simply do not have inner source to support you, you need to be prepared for it and try to find this support inside you firstly or, if your situation feels so unbearable, even seek professional help, there is nothing wrong with it.

My point is different: when you are going through any traumatic experience on your path it is crucial to keep in mind the fact that you are not alone on this planet going through it. That is why it is so helpful to seek for communities who are sharing same beliefs as you, groups of people who are facing same problems as you and so on. In this case you can detach from your problem, start looking at it from different angle and finally see that you are not an only one left on Earth with it – others are going through similar issues. This makes you realize that you are capable of overcoming it, that you are strong individual (since others went through same problems and managed to go further, you can do the same as well). Sometimes it is not even about finding someone or speaking to someone in person, even reading about some relevant experience is curing (or watch a movie/youtube video). If you think about it from this perspective, for sure there was a similar story with someone else throughout human history and they might have written a book about it or made a movie. You just need to find this information, to be prepared and open to hear their story. And this will help you, this can change your way of thinking, your point of view or do the opposite – prove it, reassure you that you are on the right path. Though in order for this magic in your brain to happen you need to stay open to these new ideas to enter your mind, you need to be ready to face opposite points of view and eventually this openness, readiness to changes will push you through your situation and make you more powerful and mature human being.

I would also like to mention the fact that we are surrounded by other human beings all the time – have you ever thought of it? When you listen to some track in your headphones, there is someone who is singing or playing a song for you. Or when you watch an interesting movie or read a book  - all these pieces of art were made by someone, stories were written by somebody. Apparently, we are almost never left completely alone, most of us are surrounded by other people constantly. This interesting thought crossed my mind only recently. If you look at all these above-mentioned actions as at other social interactions, the real solitude is rare thing nowadays. As humans we are social creations, so being left alone is one of the most common fears in a human society. We fear the solitude and yet we sometimes crave it. There is this strange paradox, isn’t it? I started to notice that I do need sometimes to force myself to visit some new places on my own or go jogging alone in the park so I could listen to my inner voice and avoid different distractions. During these precious moments, I could have some eye-opening insights, come up to new ideas, and find unexpected solutions to problems. Therefore, I started to value these moments and obtained more inner strength to overcome difficult situations. I am not afraid of the solitude right now – I actually feel the need for this feeling inside pretty often. I always hear my inner voice and try to reply to my needs, and, consequently, I feel more self-confident, ready to overcome any challenges which life is about to bring to me. This is a powerful feeling, it makes you unbreakable from one side and vulnerable from another because, if you start to listen to your inner side, you start to feel and acknowledge all spectrum of different emotions, fears. Since you acknowledge them, you can no longer ignore them; all these feelings are valid and need to be recognized. Sometimes your emotions can tell you more than your rational thoughts. If you feel irritated by someone, this might be because this individual crossed your personal grounds and told you something inappropriate. If you ignore this feeling and think of this situation as of something not worthy your attention, it can repeat itself or worsen in the future. That is why it is important to listen to your inner self and not ignore or suppress negative emotions; they can sometimes save us from toxic relations or even dangerous situations.

However, the situation with fears is quite complicated. For example, there is nothing wrong with being afraid of crossing dark alley when it is a midnight hour and there is no one in the street. Fear can appear in a completely different form: you might be afraid to apply for a new job or to take an exam, move to another city. These fears are the thing that will stop you from growing. Therefore, the most important quality you need to grow inside you is the ability to differentiate those two feelings. If you master this ability, you will be able to drastically increase your potential and one day become the person you have only dreamed to be. Your growth starts at the end of your comfort zone and that is why it is crucial to let go of your fears and just start doing this thing which you are afraid of doing. You will make mistakes for sure, no doubt of that. And you need to become tolerant to all these potential failures, they will show you areas for improvement and therefore your abilities will enhance.

I have also noticed lately that there is this inner barrier before doing something which we sometimes misinterpret as a mood switch, bad weather, change of plans, lack of motivation and etc. Though the real reason is that during these moments, what we are doing is being afraid of leaving our comfort zone. If we kept on doing what we were supposed to be doing initially regardless of any circumstances, as a form of a routine, we would achieved incredible results. Although not many of us keep on track with all these difficult routings daily and that is why so few people can tell about their inspiring stories of continuous process of self-improvement. The more often the story goes as the following: you start any new activity with an enormous amount of motivation, you add new activities in your daily routine, you keep on doing all these repetitive actions daily for a couple of weeks (or even months), then the motivation is decreasing, you start skipping some activities, then you skip more and more of them (and finally – most of them), then you just stop after a while since there are not so many significant results.

The problem with this way of thinking in my opinion is that we look at the motivation in this process as at the main driver for our actions, which is the opposite: actions actually drive our motivation. When you do not feel inspired to write anything, just try to write a couple of sentences, and there comes the inspiration. Same with anything else – it doesn’t really matter if the action is as complex as writing or as simple as taking out trash, it really helps sometimes to do things firstly, set a routine of actions for yourself and do not wait for a motivation or right mood (which could never come).

This fact was also proven by science actually – there was brought a research, in which it was intended to measure the productivity of writers who fell in one of two groups: in group number one writers were asked to write only when they were in a certain mood, in another – according to the timetable, in certain time slots. So, what do you think they found out? The writers from the second group wrote more words and overall showed higher productivity than from the first one. This habit of sticking to your routines can lead you towards some impressive results, keep this thing mind, so next time instead of giving up on doing something, try to do it regardless of the expected result and you might be amazed by the outcome afterwards.