kashleen

[kashleen]

Wednesday 26Aug2020

I decided to move forward with the calf implant surgery. This could be the dumbest (and most expensive) decision of my life, but I’m 30. I know my legs aren’t miraculously going to grow in size overnight or over time at this point. I had been thinking about this surgery for about five years and it seems like right now would be the best time considering how much time I would have to rest and recover at home.

I also have to go to a wedding in Phoenix on October 24th so my biggest reason for moving forward with this so quickly is so that I have enough time to recover before I have to fly somewhere. Hopefully I can fly. I should probably ask.

I did my Trader Joe’s haul for the week and now I’m just ‘working’ out of Starbucks. They sell eucalyptus rings at TJ’s to put in the shower. I have no concept of this but that sounds cool. It’s supposed to calm you down when there’s steam. I didn’t buy it but I did buy a bunch of other crap. I don’t have all too much to update anyone on but I did want to complain that my body is shriveling all over again. It’s got to be a joke from God how hard you can work out for months to put on muscle and weight and then see how quickly it can all go. I’m sure the binge drinking over the weekend didn’t help. But I mean. Oh I also just ordered a air fryer.

K

[kashleen]

Saturday 22Aug2020

Today was fun. My first official weekend back. I went over to Angus’s and we prepared stuff for a pool day with some of our neighbors.

I. Got. Drunk. I kept saying I wasn’t going to drink as much as before but something about being outside, by a pool, it’s so sunny and hot, next to a bunch of other shirtless guys, feeling awkward, feeling like I’m more fun after a few margaritas and boom. I caught up on so much friend drama, found out a guy I liked is dating another guy I liked, found out they got into a fist fight at a birthday party while I was gone, and found out they’re both cancelled. They’re over. They’re still together but just like their reputations are over. What a mess. What a glorious and fun mess to watch them interact with everyone else.

There was a lot more drinking, a lot more drama, people passing out and waking back up, someone ordering crappy chinese food, more drinks, and me being glad to be back. But also just thinking about my surgery still. I felt good today at the pool. Awkward as always but I didn’t feel self conscious about my legs. So is that my answer? Is it really that important? The answer is yes because now I’m thinking about it again.

K

[kashleen]

Thursday 20Aug2020

Sorry for posting so late since I got back. I oddly enough have been busy even without a job, or even like a life purpose really. I feel like I have a little more pep in my step today partially from all of the workouts but mostly because I can finally go back to a routine. One that doesn’t completely revolve around my family. Which is bad to say, but I just really needed to be back home in Raleigh.

I went in for a consultation today for calf implants. The whole process was weird. I thought it would be more like the one I had in Chicago for my septo/rhinoplasty where the doctor was v thoughtful, provided images, went over bedside manor and stuff like that. I got to the address and it was a legit house. It was next to a food lion too. The saving grace was the staff all seemed really nice. Also the doctor was a board certified plastic surgeon so I guess that counts for something. I sat around for about 30 minutes and when the doctor finally came in he just kind of measured my legs, said each side would get two implants and then just kind of shrugged his shoulders and said that was basically it.

Ew. I just kept thinking I have a million questions so I just started blurting them out but it almost felt like I was annoying him. He took pictures of my legs and showed me what I thought was going to be a morphed image to show my results. Instead it was just my picture next to other pictures of calf implants he had done. I honestly didn’t get it. But the more I kept starting at my legs, the more I wanted to commit. Towards the end, he seemed to ask more about me. But all in all I would give this a C in terms of like what a consultation should be like. But who knows. I’m emotional lately lol.

So I got a couple of packets and forms and I’ll probably spend some time thinking this over.

K

[kashleen]

Tuesday 18Aug2020

Last hours in Chicago. I took my mom to a doctor’s appointment and got in one last workout (since the gyms are still closed in Raleigh). I spent the majority of today at the airport though. My brother and mom dropped me off about 4 hours before my flight lol. But it was so cool seeing Ohare as empty as it was. The crappy part was Frontera (my favorite restaurant at ORD) was closed. I had the entire row to myself on my flight which was awesome. I listened to Folklore probably three times. My flight even landed 31 minutes early. What a dream.

I got back to my apartment and my friend had completely cleaned the place. We caught up for a little bit, and opened a v expensive bottle of whiskey my cousin gave me. It’s awkward catching up with people though. I have to hear about their summers and I really don’t want to talk about mine. Even the good stuff, because it just feels like I shouldn’t be happy. I shouldn’t have happy memories over the last two months since the reason I went home was not happy at all.

With that said I feel good. I’m going out to do my Trader Joe’s haul tomorrow, getting my eyebrows threaded, and maybe looking for some new furniture. OH I also have a plastic surgery consultation scheduled Monday (about calf implants).

It was so amazing being in my bed again too. The sheets, the pillows, the air purifier. What luxury. I hope I can keep some of this positive momentum up.

K.

[kashleen]

Sunday 16Aug2020

Ah the last Sunday at home. I can tell my mom isn’t happy about it because she’s been quiet all day. My brother, sister in law and niece went blackberry picking so it was just mom and me at home. Mom has been learning how to use Uber to get to her doctor’s appointments but she really hates it. The app is kind of confusing for her and she also can’t walk very far so she does rely on the uber driver to know exactly where to be at and stuff. We were talking about what other alternatives there might be for her to get to her doctor’s appointments. For some reason, she doesn’t trust my brother and sister in law to get her to those appointments. Though they both work, they’re working from home so it’s odd to me that they don’t offer to take her. I can’t say I’m surprised. either though. They aren’t the best at coming through for her when she needs things. Sometimes they say they are going to do something, but nothing ever happens.

I’ve been home for two and a half months and my brother had been talking about finishing a fire pit in the backyard every week. “It’ll be done in a week” “I just need to get some stuff, but it’ll be done this week.” I”It’s raining tomorrow so I’ll start on Tuesday, but it’ll be done by this weekend” It hasn’t been touched. The patch of land has grown weeds over the two months. I see my mom’s point.

I do feel for my mom because she would love to be independent and capable of doing things on her own, but her health (diabetes, neuropathy, kidney transplant, etc) has made it hard. I worry that when I leave my brother and sister in law won’t help her out with things in the way she needs. I can tell she’s a little bit worried too.

We made tostadas for dinner. My mom said she was proud of me for the first time in my life. It was worth its weight in gold. I think now that dad is gone, she has slowly been trying to show more emotion/affection. I think that’s great. She said she wasn’t going to come to the airport on Tuesday because she didn’t want to say bye. I told her she had to, not for that reason but just so she and my brother could talk on their drive back home. I think sometimes they are on different pages and hopefully this will be a good way for them to reconnect again. Fingers crossed.

[kashleen]

15Aug2020

It’s Saturday and I spent a good portion of the afternoon napping. It rained for about three hours so I think it was appropriate. I also bought these gold under eye things to get rid of my bags. So far they kind of work (?) But the results are like very very temporary. There’s 18 in the box, so we’ll give it a couple of weeks.

We went over to Masi and Masa’s house for dinner. We ordered Indian food, and i couldn’t be happier. Masa and I went to pick it up BUT I had this strange urge to have a glass of red wine. When we got to the restaurant, our food was ready and all they had was indian beer. I almost made Masa stop by Jewel to pick up a bottle but it felt weird wanting to drink when no one else in my immediate family does (besides my brother). So I should probably keep an eye on that. Side note: I did take a sip of whiskey before we went to their house, so maybe that had something to do with it idk.

We also got Masa his first ever smart phone so it’s been a real joy watching him figure out how to use it. I’m also really surprised to find out this was his first ever non-flip phone. It seems like smart phones have been the standard in phones for a lot of years now. But it’s still cool to see him learn how to use it.

My niece was in a great mood the whole night. One thing I’ve been noticing the last few months though is she has these days where she doesn’t want to talk to me or her Baa and others where she is so excited to be around us. She’ll even go as far as to say “ don’t like ‘so and so’ and then the next day kind of be back to her more enthusiastic self. It’s probably normal but I’m hoping that wears off soon.

I guess not much else happened today. I started packing for Raleigh today too.

K.

[kashleen]

14Aug2020

So I have this thing where I have to make a green smoothie every morning or else my days just don’t ~flow. It’s just spinach, avocado, a banana, and whatever frozen fruit I have. My niece had been watching me make them for months and was simply mesmerized but never wanted any. But today she surprised me by making her own smoothie. The E-Orange smoothie. Full of iconic orange juice, mango, banana and ice. I couldn’t be prouder.

I saw my mom laying on her bed watching Youtube videos on her phone (for like the 100th time this week). Mom said she was starting to feel bored at home, so we decided to have a little day out. To the park no, for a walk no, to a restaurant no, to the outlet mall even no. My mom wanted to go to Kohl’s to see ‘what just came in’. I, I just don’t even know anymore.

And we were off. I’ve been wearing the same black Nike shirt to the gym for about two months now and it’s gotten to the point where I know people are staring at me with a little judgement. Judgement free zone I don’t think so. So I bought two new Nike shirts, which side note Kohl’s has so much good stuff. I bought two other summer kind of casual button down shirts because they were on sale too.

Mom bought socks and underwear (a family standard when we go to any department store) and then she saw it. The holy grail. The mother of all cookers. The InstantPot. This glorious 6-in-1 multi cooking beast of a machine. A pressure cooker, slow-cooker, saute pan, steamer, warmer, rice/grain cooker? Oh *AND* it makes yogurt?  She was shocked. She was speechless. She was mesmerized. She didn’t buy it because it was too big for one person. But I made a mental note for Christmas. You only live once.

My brother and I ordered Mexican food for dinner and it’s amazing what little we have in common in life and how in sync we are when it comes to food. Al Pastor Tacos, Milanesa tortas, chorizo enchiladas, with of course extra verde sauce for everything.

I haven’t felt this happy in weeks. It feels like everything is getting better. Today was a really good day.

K.

[kashleen]

13Aug2020

I’m still at home in Chicago with my mom and brother. Because my dad passed away, I have the grand honor of taking my mom to all of her doctor’s appointments, picking up her medication, taking her grocery shopping over the last two months. The great part is I get to spend more time with my mom. She cooks great indian food, we can laugh at old stories about my dad, watch marathons of Chopped like we have a clue what we’re talking about, and pretend like we’re going to go walk and then just not walk and continue watching Chopped. The bad part is she’s an indian mom. ” “When are you getting married” “When I die then you’ll realize” “Why do you stand like that” “How do you use WhatsApp” “Say hi to auntie, I’m on phone with her”

It’s really not bad though. I got really close to my mom and dad the last few years. My parents would share the weirdest, funniest stories. My dad used to get chased by monkeys because he was so scrawny and short and he fell out of a coconut tree once and scratched his eye lids. My mom used to steal mangos and throw them at her neighbor’s cows. LIKE WHAT. WAS. THEIR. LIFE

I’m flying back to Raleigh on Tuesday. Part of me wishes I could stay at home for a few more months. But I know the adult me has to get back to adult life. Which sucks.

K.

[kashleen]

12Aug2020

This year has been rough. Coronavirus, murder hornets, Tiger King, Black Livers Matter protests, Australia’s wildfires, Karens, the Olympics being cancelled, our president vs TikTok, people not wearing face masks, and I mean the Pentagon straight up showing UFOs out there chilling. 2020 has been an amalgamation of garbage I have to laugh to keep from crying.

With that said, I lost my job in April. My dad passed away in June.

It leads me to this. I don’t know how I can make sense of my life right now. I am not sure what I want to write about on here but I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I am at least getting my thoughts, frustrations, and funny stories out. It’s hard to find the right words for some things, but I feel alone. I feel so incredibly sad. I feel like I’m dying.

Hopefully I can share little vignettes of my life on here and hopefully most of them make you laugh. But if I cry, I’m going to try so hard to make you cry too.

K.