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[kapnoodols]

dear you

they say, “people meet twice.” but we have met a lot of times, haven’t we?

the first time we met, it was month of december. we exchanged greetings, but we didn’t really talk much. i didn’t really care about you and i probably didn’t even remember your name the following day, but up to this moment, i know that your nails were painted black that night.

the second time was unanticipated yet remarkable. i asked for your name once again, and i have never forgotten it since then. i knew we’d be friends, but i most certainly did not foresee that i would get ahead of myself. differently from the last time, we talked about a lot of things, laughed together, shared a drink, sang in your car, and undoubtedly had a great night. this serendipitous encounter got carved into my head.

it was really not my intention, but before i knew it, my mind started painting your face, and my pen started bleeding your name. i began to question my feelings.

fortunately for me, you felt the same way.

yet we never had the guts to tell each other, hence we drifted away. solstice romance, you were the cruel thing who happened that summer.

i was torn into pieces. but a part of me was glad, for if it were to subsist, i am afraid that i could have hurt you worse. i wouldn’t want that. i would’ve hated myself to death.

for a year, i knew and met a lot of people. you never met them, and vice versa—but they all knew about our story. they did not know who you were, but they knew how my heart yearns for you.

and maybe, just maybe, i kept looking for you in other people.

the third time was unlooked-for and truly upsetting. i was disappointed that i thought i was finally over you. it was a year without you so maybe i have finally moved on, i thought. we did not talk, but was it not just so funny that it was valentine’s day, and there i was in your car, drunk?

i thought i could finally move forward, until one day, your name popped up on my phone. a friend watched me as i bury my head in my hands whilst smiling from ear to ear.

i don’t know what pushed and made you reconnect with me, but i am glad that you did because you saved me from something stupid that day.

god, the effect you have in me is inconceivable. you are beyond belief.

the fourth time we met, nothing happened. it was not awkward, but it was not something either. you served my coffee though, and you looked really good :)

the fifth time was nice. tranquil, even. you asked how i have been and i answered, “still the same.” that’s funny because i have been through a lot for the past year and haven’t been in the proper headspace days prior, but the second you sat beside me and asked, everything’s at ease again.

i wasn’t answering your question about how my life has been. i was telling myself that i still feel the same.

that it’s still you all along.

however, i don’t anticipate for something anymore. i no longer wish to take another step if it would mean losing you again. as i always have been with you, i am contented.

with what we have right now, i am appeased.

one thing has been added to the list of my most favorite things to do. and that is smoking and drinking coffee with you whilst we talk about our lives and plans for ourselves in the middle of the night outside your coffee shop.

i wouldn’t ask for more; these little things would suffice. you can love someone else for all i care; i would still be here and look at you the same.

i write this letter for memory sake. to remind me that once in my life, i genuinely admired someone with all my heart.

and i most definitely won’t show you this but if the universe decides to fuck around and let you read this, i want you to know that you are one of the best things that have ever happened in my life, and i am beyond grateful that we did not just meet twice.

forever by your side,

jena.

[kapnoodols]

[kapnoodols]

[kapnoodols]

the day they'd always look back to

bittersweet means evoking pleasure that is tainted with suffering and sadness. it wasn't their sweetest kiss, but it surely was the kiss that they would remember until the day that they would see each other again.

they won't ask for another duration of their life where they could be together.

this is the lifetime they choose to live in one another's arms, and they will work for it to carry through and fulfill their promises.

it could take months, maybe years, but maybe, just maybe, by that time, they are already the best version of themselves.

[kapnoodols]

:)

love.

it leaves when spurned.

it gives all.

it takes nothing.

for her, love is a fucking coin in a game.

and she was never a gambler.

[kapnoodols]

love.

she knows that love is wonderful. it's beautiful, but it comes with pain, something which she can't bear with.

for her, loving is having someone who can complete you. but it sucks for it's also about letting that someone have a permission to break you into pieces all over again. to break the walls you built to protect yourself.

people say that, "hindi ka nagmamahal kung hindi ka nasasaktan."

but the problem is, she grew up not knowing how else to handle agony if not by isolating herself from others. whenever she's in it, she would be too fragile and will break before you could even touch her. hence, she tries to avoid hurting as much as possible; that's what her walls are for.

walls that she has been trying hard to build as strong and as higher as she could, ever since she felt something with him.

[kapnoodols]

[kapnoodols]

3AM

why do you hold onto something that never existed in the first place?

how can you crave for a touch that you have never felt before?

why are you expecting a reality that won't happen even in a dream?

how can you miss someone you have never met?

[kapnoodols]

chip on my shoulder.

unwanted thoughts are eating me up again.

there are a lot of things that i still deprive myself of: genuine happiness, loosening up, kindness, soft treatment, and accepting that i, too, deserve the best things in life.

rumination.

i still think that i am not capable of love━ neither giving nor receiving. my heart is noxious and has always been two-edged. it is wicked.

[kapnoodols]

110

hearing your voice before i close my eyes,

my doubt disappears.

if only you knew,

if only i could tell you,

those goodbyes and goodnights are music to my ears.

[kapnoodols]

[kapnoodols]

darkness.

it is a specific type of pain that you will never escape nor heal from. it will always haunt you. there will be times that a luster would give an elixir hence you'll think and delude yourself that you have moved forward and made some progress... but it stays. and it will ruin you from time to time, forever.

everytime it gets bad, it augments. it is a poison that you will have to endure, fight, and eventually get immune to.

darkness isn't just what surrounds the vicinity when lights go out. sometimes, it is something that grows within you, eats you, and blocks you from everything. it blinds you in so many ways that even the bright sun that beams the whole world couldn't.

[kapnoodols]

little cries.

you can see something in me, so close your eyes

stop believing in someone i couldn't be

my ears can be deaf sometimes

and my lips can be full of lies

you can't stay by my side

for everything i touch, withers and dies.

[kapnoodols]

things i would (but can never) ask.

there are a lot of things i would want to ask: time, attention, care, affection, and most importantly, patience. but i don't and would never want to be selfish. i can't ask for things that i know myself couldn't give.

i would ask for time. a minute would suffice. i would spend it dearly, even if it meant yearning for more afterwards.

i would ask for attention. i just want someone to listen to everything i've always been so scared to say.

i would ask for care. though i never pay attention to anyone's concern, but i could listen to someone who truly cares all day. tell me, "keep safe," and i would.

i would ask for affection. i keep telling myself that i do not need and like it, but boy do i crave for it sometimes.

i would ask for patience. i am still working on myself. i would ask for a hand to walk me through it.

i would ask someone to stay.

but if given a chance, i fear i would still choose to let go.

i would still choose to be left alone.

i would still choose to tell people around me to leave,

for one way or another, they would get hurt... because it's me.

[kapnoodols]

wru

for a moment,

you were a calming pill

a nostrum for a kryptonite

in the midst of chaos

you came and served as light

for a moment, you were shining

too bright that i had to close my eyes

a huge mistake

for when i looked back,

you weren't here anymore

smile turned into broken lines

where are you?

i'm lost again.

[kapnoodols]

(if) i could.

i could be honest,

i could say what you've always wanted to hear

i could give my all,

i could be sincere

i could tell you how i feel,

i could hold what i fear

but 'til everything gets better,

i would settle for this letter.

[kapnoodols]

false hope.

the night was starless

a firefly appears,

that's when i knew my heart would need a fetter

yet it wasn't enough to detain myself

for quite some time, i didn't hold a pen

i have accepted that my words have come to an end

for quite some time, i didn't dream

'til once more, i find my hands with stains of ink

and it's because of the light at the end of the tunnel

the fond illusion, whom all i could ever think