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To My 12-Year-Old Self (autobiography)

Hi there.

Life is tricky right now, huh? Jr. High does that to you. It makes you feel anxious and insecure and insignificant. But guess what? It will get better. It will feel like an eternity and I promise you will look back at the pictures you take this year and cringe a little at your braces, glasses, cheesy faces, and One Direction obsession, but you will realize that it’s just a part of life, and that that life goes on. 

I know right now you’re still trying to figure out who your friends are and trying to fit in. You don’t really know which group you fit in with, but you know that Jr. High is full of cliques, and you also know for sure that you are not Dance Company or Cheer team material. Within the next year or so, you will find that group. And I don’t know for sure how long they will stick around, but you have them right now, and you need them right now, and you will be ok. 

Please don’t forget that you are good enough and that you are worthy of praise and success and true happiness now and later on. Things are not always going to go your way - you aren’t going to make the basketball team right now, the boy you like doesn’t like you back right now, you haven’t even met your best friend yet. You’re scared for what’s ahead. But just you wait. 

Some things will come faster than others. By the end of this year, you will have met Bailey. You can talk to her about anything, and she totally understands what you mean when your words come out wrong and laughs at the jokes that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but her. In two years from now, you will make the high school basketball team. And you’ll be so shocked and surprised that you’ll sit down on the floor and laugh so hard that you almost cry. In 4 years from now, you’ll get a four year scholarship earlier than any of your friends, and you will have an older “sister” that is the best example you could have asked for. 

You should know though: boys are still stupid. I don’t think that ever changes. So good luck with that one. 

So don’t you worry. Like I keep telling you, even though you’re lost a little right now, keep being good and don’t be afraid to be yourself. You are who you are for a reason and you will change people for good as you continue to shamelessly be yourself. Hang in there kiddo. I love ya.

-Your 17-year-old self

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To My 7-Year-Old Self (autobiography)

Hi Friend!

You made it! I remember being six years old and not wanting to grow up anymore. I was done, and I just wanted to stay six. I remember crying to Aunt Vicki in the front yard about how I was scared, because six was familiar, and seven, for some strange reason, seemed daunting. But as we talked, she reminded me that when you turn seven, you’re still six, just one more. Well, my seven year old self, I guess that makes me seven still too, just plus ten more. 

If I could tell you anything from where I am now, looking back at you, I would tell you that I am so proud of how hard you work and the person you are. You work hard in school, you have nice friends, and you try everything, no matter how weird it might be. I would also tell you that switching clothes with your best friend is something that does not change. 

However, there are some lessons that you will learn in the next couple of years that will be hard, because they are firsts for you. You will learn that people don’t always stick around. Your best friend Michele will not always be there, and neither will Sydney or Megan. Even though they don’t always move away, they will not always stay close either. And it’s hard. But it gets better. Even though these girls are your best friends and you don’t see how that could ever change, you meet other people that will have an even bigger influence on your life. 

Don’t forget, no matter how timid you feel, “You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”  And I am so proud of you. Honestly, I wish I was still like you, but just like your friends, you will change too. And for better or for worse, you need to learn to love those changes. Learn to love yourself. Even when you’re so far from six that you can’t even remember what most of it was like. 

Keep growing. Keep believing in yourself and in your future. And don’t stop working hard. You will get there. You will be what you are right now only dreaming of being. I love ya. 

-Your 17-year-old self

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For the Future

Dear Future Me,

I have no idea when you will read this, or if you ever even will. But I hope life is good. I hope that you’re accomplishing the goals that you’ve always had and that you are happy. Right now I am about to finish the third quarter of my junior year of high school. You probably remember, but this year has been a mess. I mean, a good mess, but still. It is by far the hardest year of school I have experienced yet. Hopefully you aren’t looking back saying that this was an easy one, because I’m not ready for anything harder yet. I just finished what may be my last season of basketball ever, and I feel like a change is coming - I’m ready to start a whole new chapter of my life with new experiences and adventures. I am so ready for summer and I really want to make it the best one yet, because it’s basically my last one as a kid. Before a whole new life hits.

In case you forgot, I’m writing this blog because Mr. Harward, the English teacher made it a requirement for our class. I really haven’t enjoyed writing very much for a long time, but maybe I’ll keep doing this blog. I like not feeling trapped to a required format. I just need to find things that are worth writing about. I’m inspired by bloggers like Al Fox Carraway - she is actually one of the only blogs I really follow. But she has such a great story and so much personality and enthusiasm for what she shares. You probably haven’t posted on this thing since high school, but since you’re here, why not just post one? Write me back :) 

If there is anything I can say to you from my position now, no matter what point you’re at in your life, I would say I really hope you are happy. Because, ya know, that means I’m happy. I hope you are fulfilling the dreams that you have had and creating new ones to work for. I hope you are not settling for less than you deserve and that you are standing up for yourself. I hope you still remember who you have always been, what you stand for, and who you can still be. 

I wish I could see my life now from where you are. I wish I could see what choice I should make that will make me happy, but I know life doesn’t work that way, and that is what makes it an adventure. 

And now I get to ask you some stupid questions. I know you can’t answer them for me, but these are the things that I think about now, so maybe you do too. Do you still go running a lot? Do you ever play basketball anymore? Is Bailey still your best friend? Did you go on a mission? Were you a madrigal or a basketball player senior year? Do they still have Frazils around? You know - those slushies from Holiday that tasted better than anything else after a long hot track practice. 

Anyway, like I said before, I hope life is treating you good and you are happy with the choices you have made and the person you have become. Be happy. Life is short. See you sometime.

-Your 17-year-old self 

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The Joy of Change

Change is terrifying. 

It is stressful, and thought-consuming, and conflicting. Is it a good change? Are you making the right decision? Who knows? That is such a personal question. And other, even harder ones are these: What are you giving up? And is it worth it? 

In the end, I believe it really comes down to choosing what will make you happy, and what you will regret the least. In the big changes I’ve made in my life lately, I’ve had to decide not even what is more important to me, but what I feel I will miss out on the most by passing up once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I’m not a believer in the YOLO philosophy, but it really is true in many cases. You only have one chance to be 17 years old. You only have one chance to experience high school, including all the dances, the games, the concerts, the favorite hang-out places, and even the comfort of home before you move out. So it’s only natural to stick with what you know, right? To always order the same thing at your favorite restaurant, to play the same sport through high school, to not change a thing. But what about the rest of you? Just like you only have one life to remain the same, you only have one life to explore the other parts of yourself that you didn’t even know existed. 

So are you going to ignore that part of you and be content, or are you going to discover the rest of it? Who knows what could happen by adjusting your life to really get to know yourself. You could find out that you love Brazilian food. You could find out that you can sing. You could find out that as much as you love your long hair, you love it even more when it’s cut to your shoulders. 

This is something I am right in the middle of experiencing. My life is whirlwind of change right now, and although it frightens me, I can’t get enough of it. It is often so easy and so uncomplicated to just go through the motions of everyday life. And the reason that I have been so hesitant to attempt any significant changes in myself is because I like being in that comfort zone, feeling safe. But I believe that it’s when we step out of what is comfortable that we really discover what we are capable of and what we are meant to do. We need to give into what we feel, instead of what is familiar. 

As I am approaching what has the potential to be one of the biggest decisions I have made in high school, I am confronted with having to choose what I have done for years, and what I have only dreamed of doing for years. And it’s hard. While trying to make the right decision, I have said to myself, “What dream can I give up with no regrets?” But I’ve had to learn that no matter what choice I make, it will sting. So instead it’s better to focus on which option I will get the most out of, and which will bring me the most joy. It reminds me that I only have one high school, and only one year left, so I should spend it in a way that will bring me joy, which I believe will come through change. 

So I hope that whoever is reading this will reevaluate your life. I’m not saying you need to change anything, especially if you are happy with the life you are living. But take a look around. Are you satisfied, or would a change be what fills relieves your yearning for something more? It is scary, but it is beautiful. And it is so worth it. 

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Heroes

Who is your hero? Who have you looked up to and admired since before you can remember? For some people it might be Neil Armstrong, the first astronaut on the moon. For others it could be Abraham Lincoln or George Washington, great leaders of America. But for many people, heroes are athletes like Michael Jordan, who didn’t make his school team but became one of the greatest players in the NBA, Serena Williams, an example, especially to women, of how far hard work can take you, or Michael Phelps, who let himself down and couldn’t quit until he fixed it. These are athletes that I believe to be good role models for children. They express qualities of hard work and persistence and show how those qualities lead to greatness. They are an example that our world, and especially our generation, needs right now. However, many celebrity athletes do not want that responsibility. They don’t believe that their example is one to be followed but they are not willing to change it.

This brings me to a certain athlete whom I admired but who let me down. He is South African double-amputee and Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius. I first saw him race in the 2012 London Olympics and was inspired first by his story, and then by his impressive race. Pistorius was born without a fibula in either leg, so his legs needed to be amputated when he was 11 months old. He adapted to these changes quickly and smoothly, and by 2012 he was the “first person without intact biological legs to compete in an Olympic running event.” (www.nytimes.com) However, less than a year later and to international surprise, Pistorius was arrested for and convicted of murder. This was a huge disappointment to me because, being a runner myself, I had really admired him and he was no longer someone I could look up to.

On the other hand, there are definitely athletes who have been consistently reliable as a role model for me. One who comes to mind immediately is Amy Purdy, an American paralympic snowboarder who also happens to be a double-amputee. I first became aware of  her when she appeared on Season 18 of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. I was beyond inspired by her story and had a new sense of motivation because of her attitude. Purdy grew up full of energy and a love for snowboarding, but her life was changed at age 19. After being given less than a 2% chance of survival, she woke from a coma to discover she had been diagnosed with Meningococcal Meningitis, and would need to have both legs amputated below the knee (www.amypurdy.com). Despite these incredible challenges, Amy didn’t give up on her dreams, her passion, or her life. She continued working and improving in her life, which led her to greatness. She went on to win the bronze medal at the 2014 Sochi Paralympics, become a motivational speaker, and be the only double-leg amputee competing at a world class level (www.amypurdy.com), Because of her attitude and actions, she is an inspiration to many.

Oscar Pistorius and Amy Purdy are very different people but they have similar experiences, not just as amputees, but as elite athletes. However, because of their choices, they are not equally worthy role models, and having a disability or different lifestyle is no excuse; Amy Purdy proves that. Celebrity athletes have the responsibility to be good role models because kids inevitably look to them for an example, society depends on them to assume that role, and the influence that comes with their fame can be used for good.

Athletes are seen everywhere and known by everyone. You don't have to be a basketball player to know who Kobe Bryant is, and you don’t need to play football to know Tom Brady's name. Because of this constant spotlight, celebrity athletes are constantly admired, imitated, and looked to as an example, despite the fact that they might not like it. Some of them don't want that responsibility, but that really isn’t up to them. Or is it? They chose to work hard in order to make it to the elite level they have, and with that came the spotlight that some enjoy and others despise. “[Athletes]  may not want that kind of attention, but it comes with the package.” (ic.galegroup.com) Their hard work led them to their fame and the attention that they receive because of it. Many fans, especially children, will idolize and imitate them because of this, so they are responsible for the characteristics they choose to display.

In 1993, Nike released an ad featuring Charles Barkley, an NBA star at the time. Barkley made a lasting impact when he said that he was not a role model because that was not his job, because he was paid to play basketball, not carry out the duties of a parent. He and many other athletes argue that it is the responsibility of parents, not athletes, to provide an appropriate example for their children (www.bleacherreport.com). While I agree that parents have the main responsibility in leading and teaching their children, they should not have to be alone in this daunting duty.

Society, including parents, depends on athletes to set a good example for kids, especially when an example from parents is either not offered or not accepted (www.psychologytoday.com). Sadly, many children do not have parents that set an ideal pattern for them to follow. When they have no one in their personal life to turn to, many kids will look to celebrities, particularly athletes, for an example of what to do, what qualities to have, and what kind of person to be. But these are not the only kids who mimic the actions and attitudes of athletes. According to Leigh Steinberg, “Disaffected teenagers may tune out authority figures—parents, teachers, and commercial messages. A superstar athlete can permeate that perceptual screen to deliver a message of inspiration and hope.” This is why communities are so reliant on athletes to be another reliable support to their children, and this is why the athletes have the responsibility. This evidence is much stronger than Bleacher Report’s concerning athletes who do not want to take responsibility because it is from a more academically-reliable source.

Finally, athletes are responsible to be role models because their popularity gives them a great deal of influence, which can be used for good. Many people think that athletes are not suitable role models because they only focus on their sport, and being able to slam dunk a basketball does not qualify them for this responsibility. This is a very accurate point, because athletic skills are not what will have the greatest impact on the children of this generation when all is said and done. Not all of them will become professional athletes because they watched the Superbowl when they were ten. But they will be able to see what it means to be generous, to have passion, to be persistent, and to work hard when there are athletes around who demonstrate these qualities, as well as what they lead to. Kids will be watching what athletes say and do, and that is what they will remember and eventually emulate themselves. “Athletes have an incredible opportunity to use their celebrity power to positively influence the next generation.” (www.psychologytoday.com)

In conclusion, celebrity athletes have the responsibility to be good role models because they are constantly looked to as an example by children, they are depended upon by society to uphold that role, and they have a powerful influence that can be used for good. The present-day celebrity athletes are inspiring those of the future now, just as they were inspired by their heroes when they first started dreaming of what they would become. I hope the ones that are still only dreamers will later on remember that they do have an impact on the world, and especially on new generations. I hope that they will use their spotlight and their influence for good, and that no matter their age, sport, gender, or physical capabilities, they will become heroes.

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It Feels So Good

Some days you feel like you can’t do it. You start listening to the voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough, that there’s nothing you can do, that you are destined for failure, that you will never be enough. After hearing that enough times, you start to think to yourself, maybe they’re right, maybe I can’t do it. But what is at the root of the thought “I can’t do it”? Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. These are not the thoughts that will get you anywhere. No matter what you’re going through or what others think of you, if you have doubt in yourself you will never get to the level you want to be or the places you want to go. Now of course I’m not saying that you should have false confidence in the things you cannot do. You need to be honest with yourself. But you need to be confident in the things you can do and have hope that with hard work you can accomplish the things that still need work. With full certainty in yourself, you can do anything you set your mind to, even if it seems impossible to yourself or others around you. 

This is something that I have had to face throughout my high school career and especially this year (junior year), which has been my most challenging by far. I am really proud of how far I have come and the kind of person I am becoming. Two of the things that I am most proud of is that I am a 4.0 student and I have played high school basketball for three years. These are two things that are important to me and that I have been able to learn a lot from. And because of the doubts that have surrounded these two aspects of my life, I have been able to overcome and succeed in more ways than I thought possible. 

Being a 4.0 student athlete is not easy. I don’t say that to brag. I say it because it is the truth. Between school, practice, homework, team activities, and everyday responsibilities, time and energy run out. But despite how impossible it may seem, I am living proof that it isn’t. 

I started playing basketball when I was ten. I played for a rec league and stayed with the same team for years. I got old enough to try out for my Jr. High’s team, which is really not much better than a rec league, and was not even considered at tryouts. Coach knew who she wanted, and it was not me. This was hard on my insecure, 13-year-old self. I wanted to be good enough. I wanted to be wanted. But I wasn’t. So I didn’t come back the next year. Instead I had the crazy idea to try out for the high school team. Because what else would I do after getting cut at a lower level? Amazingly enough, and probably due to a lack of other sophomores and freshman, my name was on the team roster at the end of the week. I couldn’t believe it. I cried for happiness. I knew I was not the best, but I was good enough. It felt so good. 

Then sophomore year came. I was back in the gym for tryouts, when once again I began to feel inadequate. While some of my old teammates had been moved up to JV and Varsity level, I was still starting the sophomore team, and the new freshmen would be taking what I felt should have been my place on the JV bench. The first game rolled around, and after it was over I got the first significant compliment from our head coach since I had met her: I was the highlight of that game. Not long after, I was given the seat on the JV bench that I had so desperately craved, and was starting frequently. The doubt that I had in myself because of the results of tryouts fueled me all season to work harder than I ever had at this sport. Day in and day out, I practiced ball handling, form shooting, passing, free throws, and I went to two practices every day, hoping to continue to see rapid improvement. And I did. For Christmas, my head coach gave me a gift that completely surprised me; she let me dress varsity. This did not promise me game time, but I was now really a part of the varsity group that I had been so envious of when the season started. And it felt so good. The doubt that I felt was focused on me, whether it really was or not, was rooted in me, and although doubt is not good to carry with you, if you turn in around and use it as motivation, it will do you more good than anything else. It turns into a desire to prove yourself. 

This year, once again tryouts did not go as planned, and neither did the rest of the season. It was very different than sophomore year, and even more frustrating. This was because I was not improving the way I had last year, I got less than a minute of varsity time (I got more last season), and I was just down on myself. I was working hard, but doubt was beginning to take over and I didn’t know how to handle it. But once again, I took my doubt and my frustration and put it to work. It didn’t get me as far as I had hoped it would, but it helped me to make it through my hardest season yet with happiness and hope for the future, wherever and in whatever that may be. That feels so good.

Another personal example of doubt changing life it my experience as a student. As I said earlier, my grades are something that I work very hard at and take pride in. To be honest, being a 4.0 student was never my original goal. I knew I wanted to work hard in school, and if that resulted in A’s, great. If not, it would not be the end of the world. Because I worked hard in 9th grade, I was able to get that perfect 4.0. And I was hooked. It felt so good, so satisfying to look at that once-dreaded report card and see a full column of A’s running next to words like “honors” and “AP.” But, as everything always does, it got harder. 

Sophomore year was really a test of how well you could adapt. It was made up of new school, teachers, schedules, friends, classes, and expectations. And some of my teachers doubted me. At the end of the year and after many hours of literal sweat and tears, I still had my 4.0. I received the certificate for my academic letter from the teacher who had commented that I must have stopped extracurriculars when I handed in a well-written paper. And it felt so good. I had overcome their expectations and their doubts. 

This year, once again, has been the most challenging. I unknowingly took the hardest AP class in existence, as well as college algebra, which happens to be the most failed college class around. It has been a year of stress, sleepless nights, and comments like, “I think this could be the term where you could lose it.” But I have refused to accept that. The doubt only pushes me to prove it wrong. As I sit here writing this lovely blog post for you at 11:14 p.m., I am once again thinking of how much I am willing to give up to make sure that those creeping thoughts don’t get the best of me. 

So, as one of my favorite quotes goes, “ Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Let the doubt from others and that which is dwelling inside of you motivate you. Let it set you free and push you to be your best. It feels so good. 

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Everyday Phenomena

What events in my life have defined who I am? I have had many momentous experiences, but the event that has most fully defined me is being born into my specific family. This may sound very simple because everyone has a family, but I am myself because of their unique influence on me. The defining moments of my life have come from my family through the expectations they have for me, the support they give me, and the family traditions that we follow.

Ever since I was very young, I’ve been asked what I want to be when I grow up. And ever since I was old enough to know what college was, I’ve known that graduating from high school and college is something that my parents want for me and expect from me. They have always told me that I can do great things if I am determined and work hard. Because of their expectations and dreams for me, I have expectations and dreams for myself. A daily emphasis on learning and getting an education has been a defining factor in my life. I have worked diligently in high school in order to give myself many options in college. I have taken numerous honors, AP, and Concurrent Enrollment classes and am a 4.0 student. My parents’ standard for me early on taught me to expect things of myself, and those expectations have pushed me to be my very best.

Next, the support that I get from my family is invaluable. This may also seem basic, but I know people who do not have the family support that I have. The relationship I have with my parents is one that allows me to go to them with my successes as well as my concerns and needs. My family always comes to my basketball games, track meets, and piano recitals. They make an effort to show me that my interests and hard work matter to them and that they are proud of me. Because of this constant support, it is easier for me to be confident in myself and my abilities. I have also been taught to give this positive attention back to my family - my siblings and my parents. I know that they have been there for me, and I make it a priority to be there for them. Who we are in a family unit really defines who we are as individuals.

Lastly, the traditions that my family practice define who I am. They exemplify the quality relationships and values that I want to have throughout my life. Of course, we have our celebratory traditions like other typical families have such as decorating the Christmas tree or going to Grandma’s house for Easter. But the traditions that I see as even more life-changing are the daily habits we practice. They occur every day and train me in the lifestyle that defines me. Some examples from my life include practicing the piano while dinner is being prepared, eating dinner together, having family prayer, participating in daily chores, doing family service projects, and doing homework. These repeated actions are preparing me for the future by teaching me lessons in persistence, communication, morality, hard work, service, and discipline. I am defined by them because by practicing them daily, I am making them a permanent part of myself.

In closing, I am not defined merely by my tremendous successes and failures. I am defined more so by the small, consistent things in my family life that build my character. They are the things that are ingrained in me day in and day out. They are even the things that seem normal and insignificant - family expectations, family support, and family traditions. But combined, these have lasting effects on who I am becoming. These everyday phenomena are what define me and inevitably create the person that I am.

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My Generation

A couple weeks ago, I walked up the stairs to find my dad laughing at a video on his iPad. Curious, I asked what it was that was so funny. As I watched the video with him, I laughed too, because what the man in the video was saying was humorously, painfully true. He was talking about the Millennials--my generation. 

This generation has so much to be proud of--we are making huge contributions to the world with our creativity and our acceptance of others. However, for as much as we’ve done to help the world, we have also had negative contributions that have hurt the world. Past generations have been examples of hard work, self-reliance, and perseverance, but our generation often exemplifies laziness, immaturity, and unnecessary dependence on others. Changes need to be made to our attitudes so that we can be a generation that the world can be proud of for their achievements in work, not in whining. 

Something that the man in the video said that really stood out to me was that when we aren’t emotionally satisfied with everything in our lives, we no longer know how to function. I see this all the time at school. Someone woke up and didn’t get to eat pancakes for breakfast, or they didn’t wake up to a text from their boyfriend, so for the rest of the day they walk around in pajamas and a blanket with a tear-streaked face because they just don’t know what else to do. Maybe this seems harsh, but I think it’s something that needs to be said. Life isn’t going to get easier just because you want it to. Pick yourself up and carry on!

Another thing that needs to change in the millennial culture is the amount of ridiculous slang terms and trends that are popular for two weeks and then just as quickly become a thing of the past. I won’t say that I haven’t used some of them myself, but there’s a difference between referring to your friends as “fam” every once in a while and having your entire conversation consist of “yeet”s and “bruh”s . It seems nearly impossible to me to have a normal, intelligent, and comprehensible conversation when I have never heard half of what my partner is saying because they got it all from yesterday’s most popular vine. 

One more problem that our generation needs to be rid of is the fact that we are so absorbed by the distractions of our phones that we can’t take the time to be with the real people around us. We are so concerned with capturing that perfect moment to post it on our Snapchat Story that we can’t even enjoy it for what it is. And because we are always on our phones texting or DM-ing, we aren’t as comfortable in real-life social situations. We know how to say the right thing in our virtual conversations because we no longer need to talk face to face and we can take as long as we want to reply exactly how we want to (even though not responding quickly to a text is bad texting etiquette - insert eye roll here). But when we’re thrown into a job interview or a conversation with an authority or even with just another normal person that isn’t via electronics, we don’t know what to do! 

I know that if we can even just begin to change these things within our generation - if we can try to be a little more emotionally stable, not obsess over the newest slang from Instagram, or take some breaks from our phones, we will be able to be a generation that isn’t just known for those things. We have so much potential and we need to use it!!

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Motivation

Do you have that one thing that you just love to do? You’ve done it since you were very young, you’re constantly working on it and trying to improve, you’re passionate about it, you love it. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out exactly how you wanted it to and isn’t everything you imagined it to be. It can be very easy to feel discouraged and inadequate.

These feelings have gone through my head the past few weeks as I started another season of basketball. Some of my favorite memories from when I was very young are of me and my dad watching John Stockton and Karl Malone on TV playing for the Utah Jazz. And ever since then basketball has been a part of my life, even when I wasn’t playing.

 In my freshman year I had the opportunity to be on my high school’s team and it was such a great experience. I wasn’t as good as most of the other girls but I had so much fun. Then last year, my sophomore year, I was kind of in the same boat - I got to play and I was actually getting a lot better but I was on a lower level than a lot of my teammates from the year before. Finally, junior year rolled around and I was getting more and more nervous as tryouts approached because I thought I knew where I stood compared to my teammates and I knew there was a chance that I would be cut. But I surprised myself yet again and my name was on the varsity roster. One thing that I wish I had understood better was that just because my name was on the roster didn’t mean that I was guaranteed the playing time that I wanted. The season has been going for over a month now and I have yet to set foot on the varsity court.

Now you have to understand. I’m not telling this so I can spill my sob-story everywhere. But it is something that has been difficult especially as I’ve watched girls who are younger than me become well-acquainted with the varsity games. The first couple weeks of practice were especially hard because I was trying to be better than I could be at that point and I was expecting too much of myself. Of course, you want to set high goals to improve, but they need to be realistic for where you are at that moment, and mine weren’t. I was getting really discouraged and down on myself and it was affecting how I was practicing and my attitude in practice. But once I played my first game of the season, something changed in me. Our first game was against my coach from my freshman year, so I really wanted to be able to prove myself to her and show her how far I’d come since she had coached me and I really did. I am a captain and start junior varsity, both of which I am proud of and I can honestly say that I left everything I had on the court that night. After that game, my outlook on myself and on the rest of this season changed. I have been more positive because I know my role on my team and I know it is important. That game made me remember why I love basketball so much and it gave me the drive to keep going, even though things weren’t going as I had originally planned. 

I think this can translate to other areas of my life as well. It can be easy to get discouraged when things aren’t going your way but you need to remember why you started and why you love what you do. If you realize your purpose, potential, and significance, it will give you the strength to keep going and keep pushing through the hard times. 

[kamerinekker-blog]

One of Those Days

This morning, I was walking to school as the snow was beginning to fall. It was beautiful. There was a layer of the white powder lying just lightly enough that it was possible to see the bright green grass shining out from underneath. As it continued to fall, the snow sparkled with the light of the street lamps that had yet to be turned off. As I crossed the campus to get into the building, I could feel the snow starting to soak through the soles of my shoes, which in any other circumstance would have just been uncomfortable, but feeling it reminded me that everything that I was seeing and feeling was real. 

This short walk reminded me of one of my favorite books. The whole time I was thinking, “Woah, this is like a memory from ‘The Giver.’” That story focuses on the beauty of the good and bad in life, and how to be able to feel, even if it hurts, is better than to live in the “perfect” world where it’s impossible to feel pain. So right then I realized that small moments like the one I had just experienced are ones that I can treasure just as much as any big, “once-in-a-lifetime” event because it is once-in-a-lifetime, but it’s not something anyone else gets to experience, so in a way that makes it even more special. 

So that got me thinking-- “What are my fondest memories?” ”What moments have I been taking for granted?” and “What good can I gain from things that I wish I could forget?”

I think this experience is going to have an impact on more of what I pay attention to from day to day. It reminded me how important it is to “stop and smell the flowers” and enjoy the beautiful surroundings that we get to live in. I’m often rushing from one place to the next so I don’t see things like that as much and I really do take them for granted. This experience also helps me to realize that the things that happened to me five years ago that I still cringe about might have been embarrassing or regrettable, but they were important because they helped me to learn and grow as a person. Reminding myself of this allows me to appreciate those times even though they weren’t enjoyable. 

So I hope you will take time to notice the little things that can brighten your day. Make your life memorable and don’t take your simple experiences for granted--they are all special. 

[kamerinekker-blog]

Numb

Very recently, and by that I mean three hours ago, I was reminded what it felt like to experience the sensation of having your mouth numbed to get a cavity filled. It hurt at first when the needle went in, but right away I felt something different and strange spreading along my gums, into my tongue and across half of my bottom lip. It caught me off guard because I haven’t felt that for a very long time. I think the best way to describe what it did for me is to say that it made performing the operation more convenient. However, after the cavity was filled and it was time to leave, there was nothing I could do to get feeling back in my right side. No matter how many times I bit my tongue or touched my face, the feeling was not going to come back until it was good and ready.

So you’re probably wondering what the big deal is. I promise I’m not just obsessed with anesthesia. But I think the whole idea and purpose of it can translate into more aspects of life. So let’s talk about it.

 So why are we numbed anyway? We choose to lose one of our senses for a while because it stops us from feeling the pain of the procedure, which is great. But think about this: Have you ever felt emotionally numb? Instead of protecting from something physical like a filling, being emotionally numb protects us from being hurt when someone does something inappropriate or when life just happens in a way that isn’t what we wanted. That numbing feeling is something a lot of people tend to rely on to get through hard times. But I believe it is something that we would be better off without.

 When we’re numb emotionally, we might feel better at the moment because we’re protected. But with the relief of unpleasant experiences also comes the loss of anticipated, joyful ones. To use my example again, after my cavity was filled I came home to eat dinner, but the only reason that I like what I ate was because I’d had it before and knew I liked it. Although my pain had been soothed, the joy was taken out of eating dinner because I couldn’t taste what I was eating. Likewise, when we numb the hard times, we might feel some relief, but we don’t have the capacity to enjoy the good times anymore either. 

Just because hard experiences are painful and difficult doesn’t justify removing them from our lives. Usually the hardest times are the ones that make us think and change us for the better. And having challenges makes the good times better - we have to experience sorrow to experience joy, not one or the other.

This topic reminds me of a song that came out not long ago by David Archuleta that's actually called "Numb" and there is one part that really speaks to me and explains how I feel.

"It hurts to live so wide awake, oh But it's a chance I can take I won't run run run 'Cause I don't wanna feel numb"

So don't hide from life. Everyone faces challenges, big and small. But we need to embrace life for what it is and live for the experiences, good and bad, that teach us about others, about the world around us, and about ourselves. Endure the pain, but not without enjoying the beauty. Don't just be numb.

[kamerinekker-blog]

Procrastination

You know you’ve done it. Your teacher hands out the big term project and you think to yourself, “If I plan this now, it will be harder to put it off, and then I’ll get it done, and then my GPA won’t be completely down the drain...” and on and on and on. But you already know what will really happen. You’ll procrastinate the planning that was supposed to prevent procrastinating the project and end up starting the project the weekend before it’s due. There’s no judgement--I know for myself, time management and procrastination are two of my biggest weaknesses. So let’s talk about it.

In my experiences, I’ve noticed there are different levels of procrastination. There’s the kind where you really meant to get it done, but life happened so you get stuck with 3 all-nighters in a row to make your good intentions a reality. Then there’s the accidental procrastination where you had a plan to get it done and you set the time aside, but your subconscious knew the real desires of your heart so you played Candy Crush instead and then regretted it later. And finally we have the intentional procrastination, where you know something is coming up, you know your time frame, you know how much it’s going to cost your grade to ruin it, but you are dreading it so much that you would rather find the floor of your bedroom than do the assignment. 

Each of these different extremes of procrastination affect our stress levels, our success in whatever we were supposed to do, and our preparation in the future (for better or for worse). So how can we fix this teenage epidemic and make time management more of a priority? 

Something that has helped me a lot especially in the last 3 years or so is keeping a planner. I’ll be honest - I hated it at first. Being the self-conscious 14-year-old that we all once were, eighth grade me was not interested in looking nerdier than I already did with my glasses, braces and frizzy hair by pulling out a planner. But I was struggling to remember everything that I needed to do and I wasn’t great at keeping up with the assignments that I actually knew about, so my dad insisted. Ever since then, my planner has been one of the most important things I take to school. It is about the only organized thing in my life so it lets me calm down and process things beforehand instead of having a breakdown to begin with. 

I think something that is important to remember is that procrastination is not limited to schoolwork, although that is usually where it starts and then, like morning glory, wraps its way around everything else in your life. It can affect your relationships, your family, your lifestyle, your everything. Even if you are content with where you are at, no matter where that is, and you put off working and improving, you aren’t going to be in the same place in a month. If you aren’t progressing you’re digressing, and you may not even realize it. So don’t be complacent. Try to keep your energy focused and continuous.

The most important advice that I can give is that when you’re ready to give up or put responsibilities off longer, remember what you’re working for. Remember what made you start. Remember what you’ve been inspired by. Remember the dreams and goals that 6-year-old you thought up while sitting on the floor listening to your kindergarten teacher read to you about astronauts and firefighters and doctors. That is what keeps me going. I’ve worked for years now to challenge myself in school with hard classes, but I haven’t just taken them to fail them. At this very moment, while writing this post, I am working to maintain my hard-earned 4.0 GPA and pushing past all of my desires to procrastinate. Very rarely is it easy, but when I remember what I’m working toward and how bad it would feel to lose it, when I remember that this hard work might not be over soon, but it will be worth it later on, it is easier to keep going. 

So don’t let your procrastination get the best of you. Don’t be fooled by the bright lights and sounds of the newest iMessage game. Get things done . Because the effort that you put in now will make all the difference later on as you apply to colleges, apply for jobs, meet people, have experiences. Everything. It will impact your home, your friends, your job, your reputation, and everything else about you. Your priorities say a lot. So make them count.

(Disclaimer: This is not meant to be come across as judgmental. I do these things too. It is a pep talk for myself as much as it is for anyone else.)

[kamerinekker-blog]

Turn it down already!

Imagine this: you’re spending your day at the park, taking some time to have a quiet, peaceful, relaxing “you-day.” You’re sitting on the cool autumn grass under the shade of a tree, minding your own business, re-reading your favorite book while listening to a little Debussy when all of a sudden, BOOM! Sonic BOOM! At first you think that it might be that day. The day the world will really end. But then you realize it’s just “Wanna be a Baller,” by Li’l Troy blasting the red and orange leaves right off the trees.

And that takes you back to that time you were walking to a basketball game with some old friends you hadn’t seen in years. You were having a great time chatting and catching up when your conversation was cut short by a blaring version of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”. As much as you like that song, you didn’t need to hear it at a volume that puts it on the Richter scale.

Then there was that one time you were driving a friend home after baseball practice and the two of you were jamming to your favorite tunes, when all of a sudden your bonding time was brought to an abrupt halt by the jolting of the bass in “Boom, Boom, Pow” by Black-Eyed Peas pulsing through your seat belt, piercing you straight to your soul.

I know we all love pulling up to a stoplight and having no choice but to hear the questionable music of our neighbors. Don’t deny it -- I know you can relate. We’ve all been there. We are all victims. We’ve got to band together to see what can be done! I’ve got it - we can protest and petition as a state to be our own country and pass a law prohibiting loud music from moving vehicles. But now I’m seeing images of Kevin Bacon in Footloose reading from The Bible… “there is season for every purpose under heaven”… let’s not go there.

On second thought, maybe we won’t have to go to so much effort after all. What about the culprit? These music blasters don’t even know what they’re doing to themselves! Of course there is the obvious consequence of hearing loss, but what about their social life? What kind of self-respecting girl would want to go to prom with a guy who is playing “Drop it Like it’s Hot” by Snoop Dogg at such a volume that a civilized conversation is out of the question?(insert retch here) And I’m just sure, although there is not yet scientific proof of this theory, that there are mental and emotional consequences that will emerge around 40 years from now. And who knows what could happen from that point? Their descendants could suffer the consequences for generations to come!

I suppose this behavior does have some promising career options. If you’ve ever pulled over to the side of the road thinking you’ve heard a siren from behind you only to find out it was the slightly rusted, black low-rider two lanes away, you know that these deafness-enthusiasts would make very successful, firemen, highway patrolmen, and especially undercover cops. After all, they’re already used to all the noise of the siren. These individuals could be very useful in clearing a path on our roads for emergency vehicles. Hey, maybe they don’t have to be deaf and dumb, just deaf! We’ll use flashing lights to help them.

So next time you’re pulse is being changed to the beat of that new song on the radio, just roll up the window and keep driving (I mean, unless it really is an ambulance), and don’t forget that this struggle does not mean the end.The sun will still come up tomorrow, Donald Trump will still be the president elect of our waning nation, and the world will still keep on turning. Take heart in the fact that we will at least still have our hearing by our thirties..

[kamerinekker-blog]

Impossible Success

For hundreds of years, soldiers have fought for the freedoms that all of us here in America enjoy. They have sacrificed their safety, and in many cases their lives, so that we can have ours. These veterans have brought honor and respect to our country as a whole. Because of their courageous actions, the United States is one of the strongest, most beautiful countries in the world. Thanks to them, the U.S.A. is a place of opportunity for anyone and everyone. So what can we do to repay them? What is our responsibility in holding this country to the high standard that they have set? We honor our American Veterans by making the most of every opportunity that they have given us. This is something we can all do, no matter our age, our job, or our social standing. No matter what.

As a student, the best way that I can make the most of my opportunities is by doing my very best in school. By challenging myself and working toward good grades, I am giving myself more opportunities in the future not just in college, but also through my career and the rest of my life. I know that putting in my best effort now will lead me to success later on. With that success, I will be able represent myself and our country in a way that I can be proud of.

Another responsibility that we all have to America is doing our best in our jobs. Our veterans have shown commitment and integrity in all they've done. We should strive to be following that example. I work as a lifeguard, which I know is just a typical teenage summer job, but even in something like that I know that being hard-working, being responsible, and being honest is what will make me feel good and help me hold to those values that are so important.

As citizens of the United States of America, we all have a role to play in helping maintain the quality of living that we love here. Our country was founded and maintained by people who had goals, were passionate about those goals, and took action to turn them into reality. Sometimes the image of the ideal life--whatever that may be for you--seems unreachable. I know in my case, I'm still just trying to decide what I want to be and what I want to do with the rest of my life. The idea of the future can be overwhelming. But I know that if I work hard, if I sacrifice what is easy for something better, just like our veterans have done, nothing will be impossible. Those seemingly-impossible accomplishments are our contribution to upholding the character of the United States of America. It is my responsibility to take the opportunities that our veterans have made possible for me and turn them into my own “impossible success.”

[kamerinekker-blog]

Who Am I, and Why Does That Matter Anyway?

The world is a big place. It is filled with billions of people--people who know important things, feel passionate about special things, and do big things. You do not need to be famous to be one of these people; all that is required is being yourself. In this big world of ours, I am defined by what I believe, what I know, how I feel, and what I do about it. I am a pianist, an athlete, and a Mormon, and in each of these roles that I play, I see the world differently.

I have played the piano since I was four years old, and it has had a huge impact on the person I am becoming. The piano has taught me the importance commitment and of never giving up, even when it gets hard. The first few years of my experience with piano was made up of a lot of “stops” and “go’s.” I switched teachers every year or so until I was seven. That was when I met the teacher that has really helped me on my way to success. She offered me more opportunities in learning, achieving, and performing than I could have asked for. Over the years I have had many experiences with performing, which in itself requires commitment to prepare for and have given me more confidence. Recently, I completed a program that took me 6 years to finish. It was something that I really struggled to continue because it was not fun, it was time consuming, and it was very difficult. But I was committed to finishing because I knew that it would help me more in the long run than anything else I was doing in my piano lessons. I know that not being committed to something is the same thing as refusing to work hard before even starting, leaving no chance for achievement. In contrast, I also have learned that with hard work comes the reward of a masterpiece. This way of thinking influences how I see the world because working toward good results in music transfers over to working hard at everything in life, including in school, at work, and when I am looking to the future.

At my high school, I play varsity basketball and run track. These experiences have taught me the importance of hard work and have showed me more than anything how when you work hard, there are huge rewards and results. When I started playing basketball, I was ten years old on a Jr. Jazz recreation team. When I turned twelve, I felt ready to try out for my junior high’s team, but that did not go as planned. I continued to play outside of school, but it was hard to keep going when I felt I wasn’t good enough to make any teams. Then my freshman year came along. I decided that instead of trying again with the junior high coach I would start fresh at the high school, just to see what would happen. I was not very confident in myself, but I thought I would try because it was still something that I was passionate about. Amazingly enough, the roster had my name on it at the end of the week. I was so happy to be there and it rekindled the excitement and love that I have for them game. Last year, my sophomore year, I was able to play again for my school’s team, but once again I was on the lowest-level team. Many of my friends from my freshman year had been moved up to play Junior Varsity and Varsity, but I was still stuck down at Sophomore. But I was determined to get better and catch up to them. Every day for the entire season, I went to both Sophomore and Varsity practice--4 hours of practice a day. My coaches were able to see how hard I was willing to work, and I was able to see how working hard can pay off. I was moved up and quickly became a JV starter. After a month and a half of doing this, my coach thought I was ready for varsity. I didn’t play a lot at that level, but by the end of the season I had played enough to earn a letter. Clearly this did not come easily. It took being at school for eleven hours most days, as well as keeping up in my advanced classes. But I would not change the experience for anything. I taught me more about hard work than anything I have ever done. It shows me that if you work hard in any aspect of your life, anything is possible, even when it seems hopeless.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This influences me more than anything as far as how I see the world and how I want to contribute to society. I know that this religion is known for having “a lot of rules,” but I believe that by following those “rules” I can be truly happy, and like anyone else, that is my ultimate goal. This affects the way that I view the world around me because it helps me to love the people I’m surrounded by, even when they don’t have the same views because I believe that God loves them and His example is the one that I want to follow. My faith helps me to be kind and to have big goals in all aspects of my life and it is based on the knowledge that we are all loved, which gives me an extra source of comfort in this very large and sometimes very cold world. I know that this is the topic I’ve had the least to write about, but it is the one I feel the strongest about, so please don’t discount its importance because it is short.

In conclusion, my life mostly revolves around the piano, basketball, and my faith. Without these things I would not be the person I am or that I am turning into. These three parts of my life push me to be my best. They are the reason that I am committed to many things and hard-working, and they help me to have faith and comfort. I am so thankful for all of the experiences that continually push me to better myself in all areas of my life.

[kamerinekker-blog]

my declaration

So. This has been written to express my feelings about my biggest current dilemma. Enjoy.

When in the course of family events it becomes necessary for one to search their sister’s closet for one’s own clothes, a decent respect to the possessions of siblings requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to be annoyed. 

We hold these rules to be fair and reasonable, that it is each sibling’s responsibility to buy and wear their own clothes, and that each is created different. That among these are small, medium, and large. That to secure these rules, older siblings are able to protect their privacy and belongings at all costs. That whenever any shirts are stolen from the older sibling’s closet, it is the right of the elder to take and wear the clothing of the younger sibling’s (that fits them) until their own is returned. Cooperation, indeed, will dictate that each sibling and their clothes should be given proper respect and privacy; and accordingly all experience has shown that once one shirt is gone, the whole closet might as well be. It is their right, as the owner of their clothes, to protect them from the stains and strange smells that a young sister named Sarah carries with her. This history of clothing robbery is a history of repeated sneakiness and guilty facial expressions. To prove this, let facts be displayed to the rest of the shirt-owning world.

She has ignored the existence of her own closet and the articles of clothing it contains.

She has repeatedly gotten into others’ clothes after they’ve left for school, so as not to be caught in the act.

She has picked her favorites of my shirts, which are now missing consistently.

She has disregarded any complaints against her thievery.

She has reacted the same way I do when her clothes are “borrowed.”

In every instance of these heists I have asked, and sometimes demanded, for cooperation with the most patience possible. My repeated petitions have been answered by, well, actually they have been ignored.

I have warned Sarah at the time of each offense, and reminded her that as my clothes disappear, hers will do the same. I have appealed to her by designating “shared shirts,” and have attempted to be more patient and understanding, while still reasonable and strict. But these actions only seem to encourage her. I must, therefore, make Sarah aware once again that her shirt borrowing will be reciprocated unless her actions cease.

I therefore, the owner of all High School Basketball team garb, do solemnly declare that these shirts (except for the blue one that actually fits her better than it fits me) are off limits to my eleven-year-old sister; that they are not subject to the roughness of her constant activity; and that I have full power to restrict them from her in the form of creative and clever hiding throughout my room. I pledge to myself and my sister my full cooperation in the future as long as it will be returned.

[kamerinekker-blog]

our journey

This is my first blog, so I wanted to start by talking about myself, where I come from, and why that matters.

The journeys of my ancestors represent many different countries and periods of time, and they all came for different reasons, but all of their experiences lead down to me and I am responsible to carry on their legacy. Having some of their names as my own is one way that I do this daily, but knowing their stories and personal history helps me to know them, and myself, better.

My last name, Ekker, is Dutch and German and originates from a personal name, most likely a version of Eckhard. It is also a name for someone who lives on the corner of a street or lives on the edge of town. This can lead us to believe that the original bearer of this name lived in a home like that. My first name, Kamerin, is very different and much more amusing. It is a Scottish name meaning “crooked nose.” I am not named after anyone in my family, but my name has significance to me outside of my family that is just as important.

My family comes from many different countries, primarily Sweden, Netherlands, Denmark, Ireland, and England. Two of my favorite stories to tell of my ancestors’ journeys to America are of my tenth great grandmother, Susanna White, and her family and of my second great grandmother, Christina Pehrson.

Susanna and her husband William were Pilgrims who came to America from England on the Mayflower. Out of 18 original female passengers on the Mayflower, Susanna was one of only four who survived to see the First Thanksgiving. She was also the mother of Peregrine White, my ninth great grandfather, who was the first child born to the Pilgrims in the New World.

Grandma Christina’s story was very different. She grew up in Ekedal, Hyringa, Skaraborg, Sweden. When she was 24, Christina was converted and baptized into the LDS church, even though her family did not approve. When she came home from her baptism, she found all of her belongings sitting outside her house and the door locked. Having been disowned by her family, she lived with friends long enough to save money to go to America and live with those who shared her beliefs. She arrived in Salt Lake City in 1894.

These two stories are my favorite because they help me understand that being an American is more about working hard and embracing the opportunity that this nation offers than it is about having a huge house with a white picket fence. Christina’s is especially inspiring to me because she was an example of being true to what she believed and sacrificing to make her goals happen.

Because I know these stories, I am able to understand what my ancestors stood for. I am able to understand that to them being an American meant being able to freely believe what you want to and live the life you imagined through hard work. This helps me to represent them well, but it also makes me ponder on what I want in my life, and how being an American makes that possible for me.