kaltalks

[kaltalks]

it's annoying how google results for "how to deliberately dissociate" are all articles saying "dont" but it doesnt take a genius to find ways. if people say that dissociation should be remedied by grounding and finding a way to bring yourself back into the present and the moment, then the path to disconnection is just the opposite of that right. im not where i am, i am but im not, but im not just a bit to the left and a little further out just far enough that all the stupid shit doesnt overtake my brain anymore, and i just want to stay out there. so what if im distant so what if it's worrying to people at first, everybody will get used to it and it will be an improvement. no more crying outbursts, no more anxious breakdowns. i'll be quieter and i'll be useful and i'll do things and work hard. i dont want to be in my brain or my body anymore but people dont want me to die so i have to stay but can i stay just a little further out. it'll be beneficial to everybody and the loss is lesser than the gain. it'll be me but quieter. dont you like it when im quieter.

[kaltalks]

being alive right now feels like i, 23, am chained by the ankle to the ankle of a me thats 12yrs old and that thing neverrrrr shuts the fuck up. it's always crying and screaming but when you ask it what it wants it can never articulate the problem and it hates me and it cries and it's always talking about how it doesnt wanna do any of this anymore but all of this is its fault because that thing is what couldve stopped all this the first time we thought of killing ourselves but nope nope it didnt commit and now im 23 and in a pickle. the amount of time ive been here has caused me to make mistakes like make myself look like a person and people have come to care about that person and that was my fault but i wouldnt have done that if that thing had just died in the first place but we cant take back the past amd i keeo having to walk forward and it doesnt want to walk at all it's lying down on the ground writhing and crying and kicking and i have to drag it with me every second andi hate that thing anf it hates me but we both haveto live with this

[kaltalks]

get over yourself. grow up. it's not real.

[kaltalks]

it;'s not enough actually to just be quiet about it. i need it all gone. how do i get rid of these parts of my brain, i dont want them to make a sound for others and for me it needs to be gone from the source

[kaltalks]

like. havent i done such a great job. ive gotten rid of my ability to articulate any of this. if i cant speak it, nobody else knows, if and nobody else knows, it cant be verified and corroborated. so then it's not real. i did that. i fixed it. i want to be praised for this because im pathetic. grow up

[kaltalks]

i want so bad for somebody to tell me im doing a good job at keeping quiet and keeping it all to myself. but obviously that cant happen because theyd have to know. and the whole point is that they cant know. and even if they did, nobody would praise me for it because they wouldnt see it as a good thing or an achievement, theyd be worried and sad and upset.

[kaltalks]

if i'd known how much it was gonna suffer, i shouldve killed it in the beginning. this is the most disgusted ive ever felt with myself in my whole life. this is the most useless ive ever felt in my whole life.

[kaltalks]

no more complaining. dont say anything. anywhere. never talk about it. theres nothing to talk about.

[kaltalks]

you are pathetic. stop talking about it. dont tell anyone

[kaltalks]

i just have to smile and joke and laugh on cue. nobody has to know anymore. it's my problem. no more complaining

[kaltalks]

thought i wouldnt be back here cuz i was better. for a while, i was better. but now im not again and i think i was just fooling myself the entire time. im pretty sure now that im not even meant to get better at all

[kaltalks]

sometimes i cry because i know that i'll never be okay which is really stupid because i dont deserve to be okay anyway

[kaltalks]

the first thought i have every day upon waking up is what is currently in the house that i can use to kill myself

[kaltalks]

whenever people ask "whats wrong" it's like all my words dissappear. i cant articulate anything

[kaltalks]

so ive made arrangements to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. i told myself i'd never break and get help because none of this is real but after fucking up and breaking down in front of too many people, here i am

[kaltalks]

man i just wanna give up on everything and kill myself already

[kaltalks]

i dont know how to articulate any of this or how to make it go away