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kalopsiaaaan · 4 months ago

Text

Cinematograph: Another Story

Asirpa: Alright, let us film the next story about Panampe and Penampe.

Sugimoto: Eeeh, are we doing that vulgar stuff again? Don't you have anything else?

Shiraishi: I'm with Sugimoto on this one! It sure would be nice if there were any, like, sorrowful love stories that pull at your heartstrings that we could shoot.~

Tanigaki: Sugimoto and Shiraishi are right. Haven't we had enough stories in which someone just stupidly dies in the end, Asirpa?

Asirpa: Fine, fine, I get it! Listen here, you'll definitely love the next one.

So, a summary:

One day, while Panampe was down at the river setting up a fish trap, he saw a penis sticking out of it.

Sugimoto: Just why?!

Asirpa: When Panampe asked if he should pick it up with his hand, it shook its neck in disagreement. When he asked if he should pick it up with his mouth, the penis nodded.

Shiraishi: Ouch... I hate this so much...

Asirpa: So Panampe put it in his mouth and went home, and when he went to sleep, he left it by his pillow. And at night, in the darkness, a scuttling sound shook up the entire house. When Panampe woke up in the morning, his house was full of treasure, and the penis has disappeared...

Seeing Panampe living so lavishly, Penampe has come to inquire how he managed to come by his riches. After hearing his story, Penampe has pissed and shitted a little all over the entrance of Panampe's house, and ran away.

Sugimoto: What the hell are you doing, Penampe?!

Asirpa: In the same manner, when Penampe was setting up a fish trap at the river, he saw a penis sticking out of it. So he asked how he should pick it up. When he asked whether he should pick it up with his hand, it shook its neck. When he asked whether he should use his mouth, it nodded.

Sugimoto: Don't you be nodding, that's fucking disgusting!

Asirpa: Penampe flipped his lid, grabbed that penis and blew it out of the water and onto the riverside, and has proceeded to kick and roll it on the ground until he got home. And at night, in the darkness, a scuttling sound shook up the entire house. Penampe woke up in the morning with a big grin on his face, but when he looked around... His house was full of various penises scattered everywhere in great amount.

Shiraishi: That's hell...

Asirpa: And no matter how he'd try to clean it up, new penises just kept falling on him. He exhausted himself out and died. Penampe died a stupid death.

Sugimoto: So he died after all.

Shiraishi: Which part of this was a heart-wrenching love story?!

Sugimoto: Does this Ainu story really exist, anyway?

Asirpa: Of course it does. It's an Ainu story passed down from generation to generation from long ago. It wasn't me who made it up.

Sugimoto: You sure?

Shiraishi: No, wait, but why can't it be made up? Not about Panampe and Penampe, but a new story made up by you, Asirpa-chan.

Asirpa: By me?

Sugimoto: Shiraishi, you sure know what to say! Hey, the stories of Panampe and Penampe were made up by someone too, right? So it's fine if it's something that you, as an Ainu, have come up with, Asirpa-san! It just has to be about the Ainu! If it's a story that can be passed down from Ainu to Ainu for a hundred, two hundred years, it's bound to become a real part of Ainu culture!

Asirpa: I see! Since I'm a new age Ainu, I can just make a new Ainu story!

Shiraishi: Exactly!

Asirpa: Alright! Sergeant Tsukishima, come here and write down the story I'm about to come up with!

Tsukishima: Hm? Why me?

Koito: Just shut up and do it, Sergeant Tsukishima!

Asirpa: Okay, here I go... Once upon a time, at a certain place, there was a giant penis...

Sugimoto: Hold on. Just let Panampe and Penampe go! Haven't we decided that you're going to make up a new story from scratch?

Asirpa: Easy for you to say... Alright, Sugimoto, you help me out then.

Sugimoto: Huh? Me? Hmmm... Well... Alright, as the setting, first of all... On one night, a gleaming vessel has descended from the skies. On it lived a family of bizarre Kamuy. The child Kamuy comes down and gets lost. It's left behind in the human world.

Asirpa: Yeah, that's good. What next?

Sugimoto: And by chance, he meets an Ainu boy. They become friends, but since that Kamuy has a weird appearance, they need to steer clear of adults and keep it hidden.

Shiraishi: What would a Kamuy with a weird appearance look like?

Sugimoto: Ugh, well... Uhhhh... Let me see... It'd be stark naked, its face and body covered in creases like on Asirpa-san's mouth, it'd have no hair, its legs would be very short, and its arms and neck would be very long.

Asirpa: That'd be a strange Kamuy indeed.

Sugimoto: The Meiji government officials hear of that Kamuy, and they want to catch and study it. But the Ainu children and the Kamuy run away on a dugout canoe!

Asirpa: That's so interesting! What next?

Sugimoto: They're about to get caught, but the canoe takes flight! With the help of the powers of that creature! And they fly over the big, round moon!

*he starts singing the theme song of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial*

Asirpa: I like that it has extraordinary powers! What if it could heal people's wounds just by touching them?

Sugimoto: That sounds like a beautiful scene! The boy hurts his finger, and the Kamuy...

Asirpa: Grows a penis out of the wound, and its tip is shining!

*she also starts singing the theme song of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial*

Sugimoto: Wait a second! Why are we back to Panampe and Penampe?!

Asirpa: Oh, we can't?

Sugimoto: Haven't we just agreed to cease the dirty stuff?! Why can't we make this a nice, lovely story!

Shiraishi: You know, when I think about it, something bald, with a long neck, that looks like a naked granny, it sounds pretty gross in the first place. It's disgusting and nobody would want to look at that.

Sugimoto: Oh, is that so?

Narrator: Sugimoto, however, had a premonition!

Shiraishi: But if it was something more fun, it would become known from word of mouth and lots of people would want to watch it. Nobody wants to look at a gross little creature. Asirpa-chan's goal here is to make people at large aware of Ainu culture as a means of leaving something behind, right?

Asirpa: Shiraishi is right. Isn't there anything else? Hey, Second Lt. Koito, you think of something, too.

Koito: Me? Hmm... Let's see... What if the Kamuy was cuter? With fluffy fur, a round shape. A very cute creature.

Sugimoto: Like Tanigaki?

Koito: No, no, I mean something smaller, a cat-like thing. Also... Alright. It's something the main character's Father buys for him as a gift. In Hakodate, which is full of foreigners, in a sketchy shop.

Asirpa: Good, good, then what?

Koito: But there's three rules for keeping that Kamuy in the house. Rules you can't break no matter what.

Asirpa: And those rules are?

Koito: First, it cannot abide light. If it gets exposed to the sun, it dies.

Asirpa: Oh, that's an interesting Kamuy.

Koito: Second rule is that it can't come near water.

Sugimoto: Does it die?

Koito: No, it doesn't die, but... It multiplies. It becomes two!

Shiraishi: From even one drop?

Koito: That's right! It multiplies from even one drop of water!

Sugimoto: So if you dropped it into a lake or something it would have been great trouble.

Koito: Obviously!

Tsukishima: Would it multiply even if it got a bit of its own pee on its leg?

Koito: Pee?! I'm telling you it's water! Pee is not water.

Tsukishima: Since it doesn't get triggered if there's impurities present, won't it not multiply if it comes in contact with lake water, which is full of impurities?

Koito: Shut up, Tsukishima!

Asirpa: Just ignore him and go on, Second Lt. Koito!

Koito: Hmpf. Third rule is that you cannot feed it after midnight.

Shiraishi: What happens if you do?

Koito: It transforms into a monster. It becomes a ferocious beast that attacks humans!

Sugimoto: That does sound cool!

*theme song of Gremlins starts playing*

Tsukishima: Please wait a second. What if it starts eating right before midnight, chews the food thoroughly, and the clock strikes 12 just as it passes through its throat? What then?

Koito: Uh!... Well...

Tsukishima: What if there's some food stuck between its teeth, and it manages to get it out and swallow it after midnight? Does it transform into a monster in that scenario?

Koito: What an annoying bastard... You're really one for nitpicking, Tsukishima!

Sugimoto: It does seem that the setting is a bit complicated... The audience could have trouble keeping up with a convoluted story.

Koito: Ugh...

Tanigaki: Can I try, too?

Shiraishi: Ooh, Tanigaki Genjirou-chan! You thought of something, too?

Tanigaki: How about this? One day, an astronomer was observing the sky and noticed that a big asteroid was approaching...

Sugimoto: An asteroid? Oh, that sounds like a grand story.

Tanigaki: The government officials fall into a panic and try to come up with ways of the military shooting it down, but they fail. It's huge, so it can't be broken apart. If that asteroid manages to hit the Earth, it will surely wipe humanity out.

Koito: So? What do they do?

Tanigaki: So they ask the coal miners for help. They figure that if they manage to dig a whole and put explosives there, they could blow it up. It's the same as using dynamite to blow up the ground when mining for coal.

Sugimoto: Oh, I see, they want to blow it up from the inside.

Tanigaki: The miners jump onto the meteor, and start digging...

Tsukishima: And how exactly do they manage to get on that meteor, Private First Class Tanigaki?

Tanigaki: Huh? Um... Maybe they use a hot air balloon or something...

Tsukishima: Well then that would be impossible! A hot air balloon can only go as far as there is air. There is absolutely no way it could approach an asteroid, that comes shooting straight from space like a bullet. No way.

Tanigaki: Ugh... Well, what about shooting the coal miners onto the meteor using a giant cannon?

Asirpa: What if there was an extended penis? Everyone straddles it and shoots right into the sky...

*she starts singing the theme song of Armageddon*

Sugimoto: Asirpa-san, just forget about Panampe and Penampe.

Tsukishima: So that's a no for Tanigaki, too. The premise itself is so ridiculous you can't even focus on the story. Not captivating at all. Go back to Akita.

Tanigaki: Oh... I see...

Koito: And are you able to come up with anything, Sergeant Tsukishima?

Tsukishima: What? Me?

Koito: Obviously! You think of something too, instead of turning down everything! Even a moron can sit around and criticize something someone else has made!

Tsukishima: Well... Alright... What about the main character being... a young, poor... painter? He... manages to get hold of the cheapest ticket on a luxurious ferry ride, and is on his way back to his homeland. On the same boat there's a beautiful woman who is being forced into a marriage with an arrogant upper class guy. She doesn't want that marriage, so she tries to kill herself by jumping into the night sea... But she's saved by the main character, and the two of them fall in love.

Sugimoto: Oh my, that does sound lovely!

Shiraishi: What next, what next? Tell me more!

*theme song of Titanic starts playing*

Tsukishima: But the boat hits an iceberg, and as the passengers notice that they've started gradually sinking, the situation on board becomes dire.

Tanigaki: That's rough...

Tsukishima: As the giant boat fills with water, the two are desperate for a way to save themselves...

Koito: And then? What next? What happens to them, Tsukishima?!

Tsukishima: The boat gets split in two, and sinks... They're thrown into the freezing winter ocean.

Shiraishi: No way! How could that happen...

Tsukishima: The main character manages to put his girlfriend on a broken floating door and save her, but, as he loses all his strength due to the cold, he succumbs to his death, sinking into the freezing dark water... After that, the woman calls herself by the dead painter's surname in order to avoid that dreaded marriage, and the story ends with her, all old now, telling everyone this tale.

Sugimoto: *while sobbing* What a tragic, beautiful thing! They will come! They will all come to watch it! You're the best, Sergeant Tsukishima!

Asirpa: Woudn't it be better if the woman rode the main character's enormous testicles instead?

Sugimoto: I told you to stop bringing up Panampe and Penampe, damn it!!

Asirpa: The painter was a tanuki in disguise! Wouldn't it be better if his balls became huge and everyone survived?

Shiraishi: That would be awful, actually. You're ruining it, Asirpa-chan!

Koito: What is that...

Tanigaki: Horrible...

Asirpa: Well, anyway, this whole thing has nothing to do with the Ainu, so it's a no from me. You lot really have no eye for this thing at all.

*everyone is upset*

Asirpa: Alright, now back to Panampe and Penampe...

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kalopsiaaaan · 4 months ago

Audio

third golden kamuy drama cd. it’s all about kiroranke’s group while in karafuto. script is written by noda, so it’s canon.

same as the previous ones, if you’re willing to make this into a video with synced subtitles, be my guest.

Kiroranke: I’m so glad… This trip wasn’t in vain… Bringing Asirpa here wasn’t in vain…

Asirpa: Kiroranke-nispa! Shiraishi has left the hotel yesterday and still isn’t back. Kiroranke: What? Ogata, do you know anything? Ogata: No, no idea. Let’s just leave him behind. We don’t need him. Kiroranke: Perhaps he went to a red light district as soon as we got here in Karafuto. Ogata: Let’s leave him behind. That guy is a disease. *sighs* Shiraishi: Hold on a minute! Who are you calling a whoring diseased bastard? Asirpa: Where the hell have you been, Shiraishi?! Shiraishi: While you lot were sleeping with stupid faces, I managed to get my hands on information about the tattooed skins! Ogata: What information? Shiraishi: You see, there’s this gambling house that deals with some funny business. A bunch of people divide into two teams and punch each other, some kind of traditional Russian event. It’s called Ste-something. Kiroranke: It’s called Stenka. Shiraishi: Yeah, yeah, that! Apparently this one time they had some Japanese involved in one and it turned into a gamble. And now it seems that it’s a nightly event which keeps locals excited. Ogata: Had my hopes up just to hear about a gambling house. Let’s leave this guy behind, after all. Shiraishi: Listen until the end, will you? Anyway, it seems that the prostitute who told me about this went to that house once, and- Kiroranke: So you did go to a prostitute after all!! Asirpa: So you did go whoring! Shiraishi: All I did was talk to the prostitute at the entrance of the red light district! I only went there to get information! Anyway, the story starts here. According to the girl, the Japanese who started gambling on these matches had a bizarre tattoo all over his upper body. She said she saw him fighting with her own eyes. And I asked her, what kind of tattoo? So she pointed at my own tattoo and said that his was exactly the same. Kiroranke: So you were naked, you fiend!! Ogata: So you were fucking after all. Asirpa: Does it mean we could meet a tattooed prisoner if we went to that gambling house? Shiraishi: Guess so. But it seems that the guy will fight only the strongest. Apparently he doesn’t show himself to anyone but those who caught his interest. Kiroranke: Alright. Let’s see what this whole Stenka deal is about.

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