kaifinja

[kaifinja]

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[kaifinja]

Humans Catalogue Everything

We are the most chaotic but somehow the most organized species, and its baffling to the Xenosapien species.

As such, here is master list of everything to date for my humans are space orcs. I'll group everything by their protagonists.

1. Danger Days: A Tale of Human Steve

Aliens and the Art of Human Practicality

Dying Like a Human

No One Politically Faux Pas Like a Human

The Human Line

2. Carl's Guide to Life: An Aliens Struggle

It's a Human Thing

The Human Game

The Human's Guide to Deja Vu

Humans and Their Possessive Ways

The Distance Between Stars

3. The Terran Trouble Makers, Crossover

The Human Art of Tradition

4. The Journals of Horusavina, Homosapiologist and Honorary Human

Aliens and the Mental Health of Their Humans

Aliens and the Art of Being Human

Aliens and the Joys of Human Restraint

Aliens and the Fallout of The Gift

Aliens and the Art of Comfort

Aliens and the Art of Appeasement

Aliens, and the undiscovered Power of Humans

Notes About One Name Bill

5. Underhill and Through the Ship

True Heart of a Coward

Underhill and Through the Ship to Joseph's Realm We Go

The Interview

The Funny Thing About Vent Crawler Joe

6. Miscellaneous Notes

Bizarre Human Triggers

Slang Translations

Symbols of War

Personal Thoughts

Humans Bond With Everything

[kaifinja]

Humans are Space Orcs “Duct Tape”

I was challenged and the challenge was accepted. Thank you  @cyberstrikebeast​ for the suggestion! Also thanks and credit to @impalalord​ for the original post where the idea was suggested to me, and the original inspiration. 

https://impalalord.tumblr.com/post/187591145361/finds-duct-tape-humans-were-here

The intergalactic technology summit was an annual event, or at least it happened once every agreed cycle. Members of the GA excitedly brought forward their best advances in the past year to share with the convention center. This was the first year that the humans had been invited. Of course, at such short notice the humans had only been able to send a few delegates, who were ordered to ‘pay attention, take notes, and most of all, see if there is anyone who would be willing to let us test it out.

For that reason, Commander Vir of the UNSC accompanied Earth’s representative rocket scientist. At first, the two humans had been a bit wary of each other one being primarily a military man and the other being primarily a rocket scientist. First impressions were a bit deflated as the scientist assumed the big, muscular soldier would be bored, stuffy, and kind of dumb, while the soldier assumed the small, tweed-wearing scientist would be boring, stuffy, and kind of condescending. Of course, upon spending the next ten minutes with each other it turned out that geeks come from all walks of life, and by the time they reached the summit, a friendship was forming.

They stepped through the doors with their badges on and allowed both of their mouths to drop open. It was no secret that humans were not far on the end of the technology spectrum. In fact most of their gear was rudimentary if not laughable to other species like the Vrul or the Runid who used anti gravity systems instead of engines to propel their rockets into the sky. There were entire rows dedicated to the advancement of medical science which made humans look like an automobile chop shop where people go to get sequentially dismembered by rusty saw blades.

The Geek fest that followed would have been laughable for an outsider, but with the two of them it was simply a reason for excitement. They pranced about the convention, the rocket scientist asking dozens of questions in an attempt to understand the technology, while the soldier took every opportunity he could to test the object personally no matter how dangerous it may have been. Generally, together, they made a decent team, and the scientist came to find that the soldier was not, as it originally seemed, and idiot. Any technology involving aviation, despite him being a rocket scientist, was quickly overshadowed by the knowledge of this man, who had operated, fixed and MacGyvered most machines without a comprehensive knowledge of physics.

Keep reading

[kaifinja]

ya’ll dissing the supernatural finale like the writers didn’t sacrifice every lead character so georgia could turn blue twice

[kaifinja]

The discord server thinks I should make you all suffer like I made them suffer. Say hi to photoshopped jeffery. who is Cobra, axolotl, and Demigorgon pieces all mashed into one. 

I need to be stopped. 

[kaifinja]

I just don’t think babies should occur unless the person undergoing pregnancy is okay with their body being used to produce another human being? I think that is a fairly basic standard of consent

[kaifinja]

something I think we all know about fanfic, but don’t talk about because it would hurt writers feelings is that some fics are like fast food. I mean this as a compliment. I don’t always want to sit down for a six course meal that will be a flavor experience. Sometimes I just wanna dip some fries in a frosty. Sometimes I want something homecooked and delicious and super niche, but super comforting. Sometimes I want to eat an entire dark chocolate cheesecake in one sitting even though I know Its gonna make me sick. Just. holy crap, y’all. Sometimes I don’t even want fast food, I just want to eat an entire bag of chips. and yeah, I’m ashamed of myself afterwards, but at the time it was exactly what I wanted. So, no, we’re never going to say to our fanfic writers that we consider their writing to be the equivalent of a midnight run to taco bell - and we shouldn’t, feelings would be hurt by that. But writers, please, please, please, remember this. You don’t need to create a six course meal if you don’t want to. You don’t have to make something complex and homemade if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to finish cooking it - because someone will be thrilled that you brought a bowl of cookie dough and a spoon, because they cannot even consider sitting down and having a proper meal right now. It’s okay writers, whatever you decided to make. Someone was happy to have it. You gave them what they needed. You made them happy. You did good.

[kaifinja]

Stop letting your heart and your pussy choose your men.

[kaifinja]

Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.

[kaifinja]

Why must they be so adorable!!!

Puppies of the day

11.9.20

[kaifinja]

where can I meet this guy’s wife

[kaifinja]

to anyone who thinks those of us with invisible disabilities have “passing privilege”:

being denied access to resources you need is not a privilege.

being refused disability benefits at first glance because you look “healthy” is not a privilege.

getting dirty looks and having insults thrown at you for parking in a disabled space, using a disabled toilet or sitting in disabled seating is not a privilege.

getting accused of faking or exaggerating because “you look fine” is not a privilege.

being made to feel like you shouldn’t sometimes use mobility aids/wheelchairs because you “seem fine without them” is not a privilege.

having doctors not believe you’re sick and even refuse to give you any tests or diagnosis is not a privilege.

being denied treatment and medication because doctors don’t believe you really need it is not a privilege.

constantly being told that “you don't look sick” when you tell someone about your disability is not a privilege. 

being forced to do things that you really struggle to do because “you seem fine” and “you CAN technically do them” is not a privilege.

constantly worrying about how you look and if you should wear certain clothes, make up or do your hair because you’re afraid it might give people another reason to deny your conditions is not a privilege.

being afraid to even tell people about your conditions because you’re worried about how they’ll react and if they’ll believe you is not a privilege.

having your own loved ones question you is not a privilege.

questioning yourself and wondering if it is all in your head is not a privilege.

looking healthy does not mean you get the privilege that comes with a healthy body and mind. having an invisible disability is NOT a privilege and never will be.

[kaifinja]

Ok so there’s these tidal islands in Northern Germany that are connected by little tiny trains that you have to drive yourself, which is already delightfully ghibli-esque.

But then I found out UNTIL THE 196OS, THE TRAINS HAD LITTLE SAILS AND WERE WIND-POWERED?

THAT’S THE MOST GHIBLI THING TO EVER EXIST ON THIS PLANET, BRING IT BACK YOU MONSTERS.

[kaifinja]

finally made that patreon page ya’ll been on about

[kaifinja]

Resources and Entertainment

Since we are all basically stuck inside for the next few weeks or months, I decided to compile this list of things I recommend anybody who is thinking of writing anything historically-inspired or royal-inspired. These are books, tv shows, movies and documentaries I recommend you trying out.

Documentaries

(Note: Avoid David Starkley at all times. PS. Lucy Worsley is my wife and any documentary she does should be watched)

The Rise and Fall of Versailles 1 | 2 | 3

Inside the Court of Henry VIII

Tales from the Royal Bedchamber

The Hidden World of the Harem

Britain's Bloody Crown (All Episodes)

Britain's Bloodiest Dynasty (All Episodes)

Secrets of the Castle (All Episodes)

A Night At Hampton Court

The Real Versailles

Tales from the Royal Wardrobe

Six Wives with Lucy Worsley

Empire of the Tsars

A Merry Tudor Christmas

The Six Wives (Dan & Suzanne's version)

The Battle of Towton

Hannibal: The man who Hated Rome

Egypt's Lost Queens

Blood On The Altar

Assorted Ancient History Documentaries

Assorted Mediaeval History Documentaries

Books

Sex With Kings by Eleanor Herman

Sex With the Queen by Eleanor Herman

The Art of Poison by Eleanor Herman

Marie Antoinette: The Journey by Antonia Fraser

The Romanov by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Love and Louis XIV by Antonia Fraser

The Plantagenets - Dan Jones

SPQR by Mary Beard

The Hollow Crown by Dan Jones

Young, Damned and Fair by Gareth Russell

She-Wolves by Helen Castor

Dynasty by Tom Holland

The Civil War by Julius Caesar

The Gallic Wars by Julius Caesar

The Aenid by Virgil

The Odyssey by Homer

The Iliad by Homer

The Horrible History Collection (for children yes but can be a great way to get the basics of everything)

Tv Shows and Movies

Not all of these are exactly accurate but most of them get something right and are entertaining as well. I will star (*) any one that has trigger warnings such as sexual assault.

Elizabeth (inaccurate at times but worth a watch)

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (mixed accuracy, good costumes, Cate Blanchett is also my wife)

The Young Victoria (Mixed bag of accuracy but costumes are great)

The Crown (accurate though has some issues)

Rome HBO * (can be very inaccurate but shows you a true look at Roman culture)

Victoria (Fine but inaccurate in places as well as being overpraising. Victoria did not help the Famine or feel bad about it and Melbourne was a slaving hoe-bag)

The Tudors* (has great accuracy in places, sometimes not. Recommend because its a good watch and Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Henry Cavill and Natalie Dormer are fucking great)

Dowtown Abbey* (Accurate and gives you the basics of Noble mumbo jumbo)

Medici (Great watch, slight skewed historical take)

The Borgias* (Sensationalized but clever and the costume porn is just *chef kiss*)

Marie Antoinette (Accurate in places, I'm fond of this film)

Memoirs of a Geisha* (watch this only for the aesthetics. NOT ACCURATE AT ALL but enjoy)

Versailles* (good show to watch for court politicking help)

Reign* (very fond of this show but so inaccurate that its down here for entertainment purposes only)

The Favorite* (love this film, some inaccuracies but gives you an insight into the court politics)

Mary, Queen of Scots* (has its problems but all together a good film)

The King (not accurate but fucking great)

Outlaw King (fine but would gave preferred an actual Scot to play Robert)

The Pillars of the Earth* (minor inaccuracies that I can live with)

The White Queen* (not terribly accurate but worth a watch)

The White Princess* (again it's not the most accurate but can be entertaining)

The Spanish Princess (not very accurate but is an ok watch)

For @eternally-sweet

[kaifinja]

So whenever someone gets near me at work I start screaming, “Six feet away! Six feet away! CDC says six feet away!”

I am fully taking advantage of people’s concern to not only reduce the risk of spreading viruses, but also to MAINTAIN MY PERSONAL FUCKING BUBBLE, DAVID

SIX FEET AWAY!!

[kaifinja]

Sharing Potstickers

The hero struggled against the restraints of the trap they had so stupidly walked right into. What were they thinking? They should have expected something like this. They were just too focused on getting in and stopping the villain’s plans.

Speak of the devil…

The villain sauntered around the corner, stopping when they saw the captured hero. They were carrying a small bowl in one hand. There was a brief look of surprise that was almost immediately covered by their normal expression of suave condescension.

“Ah, [hero], I thought I’d find you here. I see you found my newest security project. Lovely, isn’t it?” They smugly popped something from the bowl into their mouths and began chewing. Suddenly, their eyes bulged and they started sucking in air while still trying to chew. They turned slightly to the side to hide their face. “Hot, hot, hot,” was all the hero could just barely make out them saying.

“You’re not going to get away with this, [villain]. I’ve got backup coming, and this trap won’t hold me long!”

Having recovered, the villain turned back around and took a few steps toward the hero. “Get away with what? You’re the one breaking and entering here serves you right for getting caught in… all that.” They motioned towards the mess the hero now found themselves in. They continued getting closer, eventually squatting down next to the hero’s head. They stared down at them for a moment, still chewing while they considered the hero. After a moment, they lowered the bowl down so the hero could see the contents. Tensing, the hero prepared for something dangerous, poisonous, disgusting, something that would spring at their face, or maybe something…

It was a bowl of potstickers.

Confused, the hero looked back up at the villain.

“You want one? They’re fresh, just made them myself!” The villain offered in a slightly sing-song voice.

The hero frowned and renewed their attempts at freeing themselves. “I’m sure they’re laced with some poison, right? How like you!”

The villain rolled their eyes. They picked up a potsticker and blew on it. “You saw me eat one when I came in.” They held the bowl out again as they ate the one in their other hand. “They’re still hot, so you’ll have to blow to cool it down.”

The hero just stared at them, utterly confused. “Why? What is this really about?”

“Look,” the villain swallowed, “I’m a criminal, not a jerk. It’s rude to eat in front of people and not offer to share. You want one or not?” Without really waiting for an answer, the villain pinched the edge of a potsticker and held it out in front of their face. “Don’t worry, I washed my hands. Just blow on it, it might still be hot.”

Still not completely convinced this wasn’t some part of the villain’s dastardly plan, the hero did as they were told. Yeah, they probably shouldn’t have, but they’d been doing rounds all day and hadn’t had anything to eat all day. And that potsticker did look good. So good.

And it was. It wasn’t like any potsticker the hero had ever eaten before, it had some sort of mushy, creamy content that they couldn’t identify, but as soon as they had swallowed, they wanted another. The food seemed to remind their body just how hungry they were.

“Good?” the villain smiled.

The hero’s tongue went through every nook and cranny in their mouth, hunting down any last morsel. Oh wow, they were really hungry. But, this all could still be part of the villain’s plan. What was really in that potsticker? A poison the villain was immune to? A tiny tracker device of some sort? What? They voiced their concerns aloud.

The villain tutted, feigning hurt shock. “I would never! I don’t know what you think is going on around here, but I was just making a late snack for myself, minding my own business. I’m not even plotting anything today.” 

The hero snorted.

“I am! I can take a ‘me day’ sometimes you know! Fighting off heroes and trying to overthrow society every day can be very taxing on anyone!” The villain stood back up and ate another potsticker, smiling down at the hero. “And if you really want to know, the filling is… it’s… uh… I forget the word. What’s it called. I made it from garbanzo beans? It’s… spiced garbanzo mush and celery?”

“Hummus?”

“Ah yeah, there it is. Yeah. Hummus.” They picked up another one out of the bowl. “You want another one?”

The hero’s mouth was open slightly as they stared up at the villain. The potsticker was pushed in through their lips when they didn’t respond. The hero jerked in surprise, but still hungry, they tried to not lose any bits of the food out of shock.

“Why hummus?” The hero asked after they swallowed. “I didn’t think you were a vegetarian.”

“Oh, I’m not.” The villain jerked the bowl up, sending the last potsticker into the air and catching it in their mouth. “I just haven’t gotten groceries in a while.” They set the now-empty bowl on a side table and flipped a few switches on a command panel. The trap the hero had been caught in receded and they were able to pick themselves up and stand. The villain turned back to them and just smiled.

“Well,” The villain sighed, “You said you had backup coming? I’d suggest you call them off. Like I said, nothing going on here today. I wouldn’t want to waste you do-gooder’s time when you could be, oh I don’t know, getting kittens out of trees or saving bus-loads of kids or whatever.”

The hero shook their head. “No. You’re up to something. We know you’ve been working on some new superweapon!”

“Hmmm…” the villain cocked their head to the side. “And do you have a warrant to search my lair?”

“Uh, no.”

“Ah, well. Then I’m afraid you can’t. As far as the law is concerned, I’ve got a clear record as of 4 days ago. I’m just trying to make my way as an honest, upstanding member of the populace. I suggest you get out of here before I call the police.” “Upstanding member of… you’re nuts if you think anyone’s going to buy that! You trapped me with one of your evil inventions just now!”

“One, you weren’t hurt. Two, you broke in and got caught in my security system. It’s not illegal for me to have security.”

“You said it yourself, you’re a criminal.”

“Oh,” the villain mocked, “and are you going to take me in for that? You’ve got nothing on me.”

The hero stood awkwardly in the room, fuming. They were right. They couldn’t legally do anything at this point. Not without more evidence. Defeated, they sighed and felt their shoulders drop slightly. “Where’s your front door, I’ll leave.” “Oh no,” the villain laughed. “You think I’ll give you an opportunity to see more of my lair? No, go out the way you came in. Shoo!” They waved the back of their hand at them like they were trying to get rid of some small puppy, “Shoo! Get out of here.”

Well, this was humiliating. The hero started back out the way they came in.

“And go eat something!” The villain called out after them. “I mean real food? So help me if I find out you stop for some fast-food junk!”

They waited a few moments until the hero was gone and sighed. They picked their bowl back up and rolled their eyes. As they start walking out of the room, they hear a crash and a loud metallic snap from a few rooms down. “Heroes,” they muttered to themselves. “How am I supposed to get my laser drillers done on time when they keep popping in like this?”