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I spent a lot of my childhood in my bedroom. A very good amount and well into teenage years. Like I'd go to school, come home and not leave the room. Friends kinda came and went but generally speaking I'd close the door and live in this room, even eat my meals in there after my dad would inevitably start shit with my mom. Never in my memory was there affection from either parent towards each other or to me. My father especially was easiest to live with by staying in the room and keeping quiet. As an adult I've learned to crave human interaction and affection since I never had much, and only in adulthood realized how void of it I was as a child. I didn't realize how much that's not normal at the time because I was content to stay in a bedroom and play Legos or video games or watch Star Trek, and now I'm back there staying in that room playing the same games and watching Star Trek and it's destroying me. Sometimes Courtney has days off and those are usually good but I can also snap on her sometimes like my dad used to at mom and then the self hatred gets deeper. Regardless she's also gone again for several days at a time. The nights she works 7pm to 7am are worst, I usually can't sleep and I'd usually drink then but I stopped. I have a suicide plan but I won't do it because there's still people I care a lot about but I also don't feel like they'd want to notice me or be bothered by me. I'd love to tell ones I've worked with before I consider friends to interact with me and invite me out on things even if I seem distant because distance is how I'm just wired to be. That feeling has always followed me. Last night I connected my first feelings of self hatred and thoughts of suicide to when I was sexually abused in 4th grade looooool shit dude I thought it wasn't like instantly traumatizing as a kid but somehow I never put that timeline together, 5th it started and by middle school and into high school most peers abandoned me or disregarded me as some freak. Not all did and to this day anyone who shows emotional understanding or just even doesn't outright make me feel judged is a friend. I just want to get out of the fucking room but I don't think I can
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